woodstok Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 OK quick summary, my current fiance and i have been together for over 1 year and a half, we broke up for a while in between this time and she dated some other guy, but all along we continued talking and she always said she loved me an missed me and so we got back together. I suspected something was wrong though at first because she just did not seem herself and eventually i found out she was doing crystal meth and had began doing it with this other guy and friends. I am not into drugs, rarely drink and do not smoke, i know she is better than this and we talked about it and she said it was a sutpid thing to do and she would not do it again. Well 8 months later we are having a few little problems and have not been spending as much time together as before just because we both felt we needed some space to do our own things because we were spending 24/7 with each other, but the problem is this past month i have noticed her acting different, she is really confused, always feels sick, just not herself. I just blamed it on stress from work (she is a manager) and her always working so i told myself, trust her, belive in her and everything will be ok. The big thing came today, you see last night we were supposed to go out together but when it came time she had just got off work and told me she felt really tired and just wanted to sleep, i was upset because i had not seen her in a few days, but i said ok fine just rest and we will talk tomorrow. So tomorrow came (today) and i get woken up by a phone call from her dad asking if she was with me because she was supposed to be at work and was not there yet. I told him no, and he told me she had told her parents last night she was going to my house, obviously she didnt and went out, i dont know where. Her worked called me and everyone was worried looking for her and suddenly she called work saying she was really sick, she went to her friends house last night ate some pizza, watched movies and woke up very sick, i personally dont belive this and i am worried she is doing drugs again. I called her all throughout the day because im worried about her and she has ignored my calls and text messages. I spoke with one of her friends who had talked to her and she said she did not want to talk to me because she did not want to hear me bitch at her. Well i am not going to but i am worried she is doing this stupid crap and she knows how i feel about it, i hate it, and if anything i would bitch her out about not doing this ****, being more responsible, and knowing she is better than stupid things like that. I am so worried she is hanging with that old crowd again and they dont care about themselves so why care about her so they give her drugs, i am so confused, hurt, and worried about what i should do. I love her so much and just want the best for her, but i cant deal with her lying to me or doing stuff behind my back. Her friends have said they too have noticed a difference in her attitude, and ever since her and i have spent more time apart she has not been the same. When we are toghether sure we have occasional fights, but there are and never have been drugs or stupidity going on. I hate the thought of her doing this stuff and i am so upset, what should i do? She wont respond to me whatsoever, i told her i dont want to fight but i am worried and would just like to hear from her but i get no response. A lot of my friends have told me to cut ties with her because she did this in the past, i am a good guy who deserves better, i deal with too much crap with her and put up with too much, but i love her soo much and i am standing here, by her, no matter what i am here to help, support and be there for her does that not count for anything. Should i just give up and let her call me when she feels like it. I am so confused and really upset i just need some advice. I am sorry this is so long and sorry if it somehow does not make sense but i am so worried and just need an outlet.....thank you for your time
latida Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Wow, that is so hard. On the one hand you want to be there for her and help b/c you love her and are a good person...then, on the other it is very hard to help an addict ...they have to help themselves. I would suggest calling your local Narcotics anonymous or something like this organization. I believe they have some advice that would help you if you want to help her. Realize that addiction is a deeper issue. Self loathing, depression, spiritual weakness even a life-long psychological problem along with the addictive properties of the drug itself. Also, it can be a insurmountable struggle for some with many "on and off the wagon" episodes for the rest of her (or your) life. Considering that she has lied and easily kept it from you for so long (do you really know for how long), it will be hard to get that trust back...ever. I would suggest that you just be her friend, be there for her and let her know you love and respect her and want to help. But making her change is like making it rain, it won' t happen because of you.
Author woodstok Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 im just so lost because i love her so much and care so deeply for her. Yes she lied to me and who knows how long she has been doing this, it just kills me to think of the woman i love and saw in my future doing things to herself she should not. I am so stupid for willing to stick this out and not leaving but i know reality is i should walk away, i am just so scared, i dont want to be without her, being with her when she is ok and not doing this stuff is heaven for me, but when she does this stuff its pure hell, she is a completely different person who only cares about herself and is not worried she is hurting those she loves. How can i make her see this, i know most people say i cant do anything she will have to see it for herself that she is putting not only her life, health , and career in jeopardy but the love from her friends and family because she lied to us all. I need help, should i ignore her the next few days like she did me today or do i try and contact her again or answer if she calls?
latida Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I would say answer her call/call her, set up a time to meet, and then talk to her about her problem and where she wants to go with it. Counseling, or just continue on with lies... to herself and to you. If she won't even meet or talk with you she had chosen drugs first. It is too difficult for her to face the mirror in your face. If she refuses to admit she had a problem and says she's not doing drugs, just uses it sometimes, etc. she is lying/denying, (addicts language.) SHE has a lot of work to do to remove HERSELF from addiction it has nothing to do with you a. She will most likely have to hit rock bottom (different place for different people) to seek help, which may never happen if she is a functioning addict. You should just be honest, kind, and open. Love as you would like to be loved. But, you really cannot marry an addict, and you need to be sure you are mature, giving and patient enough to marry a recovering addict. Also, once again, contact a local organization that can help you help her BEFORE you meet with her. btw, how long have you been engaged, are you 20's, 30's???
Author woodstok Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 We are both in our early 20's, the problem is i know she wont talk about drugs with me just because she know how i feel about the subject and worse since i know she is doing it, plus anytime i ask about it she blows up at me and denies it all the time. Another thing is i really do not know the extent of her addiction as we have not been spending much time together, but it just blows me aways with what happened today, lies, missing work, calling in late, and telling everyone she is with me when she wasnt. It gives me an idea that its bad or she did a lot and just could not make it to work, although she says she got sick from eating pizza but come on, give me a break. in my head its so weird to even call her an addict as she has not done this since we talked about it last time 8 months ago and she recently started doing it again, its so weird to think she is an addict, the woman i love, and have been engaged with for 1year. AH!! I hate this and the sad truth is your right could i marry her knowing she could always do this and keep it from me, i really know the answer is no, but i am so confused and its not helping that we have not talked at all. I am so confused to as to why she does not want to talk to me, i mean is she ashamed because i know she lied to me and i found out she lied to her parents as well and in turn i found at she did not do what she said she would do. Is she pissed off i now know the truth and she knows i now know what she has been doing these past couple of days? why is she ignoring me, why, i am not the one who did anything wrong....
latida Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 She doesn't want to talk to you because you do not accept her as a drug user. You force her to look at her self that way and she cannot do that right now. I am sure she doesn't want to hurt you, you are just a casualty of drug use. It probably hurts her on a deeper level to know she is hurting you and can't help it. Early 20's, you are both young and have many more years of mistakes to make. She is making a mistake. She will make many more. Soon it will be your turn. If you decide not to marry her and end up marrying someone else who seems perfect, everything could be perfect...or she could murder you in your sleep 10 yrs from now. Humans are not robots, we have freedom to make choices, even really bad ones. She is not a bad person! Patiently wait until she is ready to talk to you. Don't call, don't get angry. Think of it like a car that has been stolen, a puppy that has run away, something like that. You are helpless until she comes back to you ready to talk. Not listen to you berate, judge and yell, let her talk. Do her parents know she is using? Possibly involve them (seek advice of narc-anon 1st) unless they are the angry close minded type!
ah8623 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Well, I am on the same boat you're on. I dated this guy who did drugs. He stopped doing them and wanted to date me. Well, we broke up about a year ago because he picked drugs over me. He came back into my world about a month ago. This man is the one I love more than any guy I have ever loved. Except for one thing: he smokes pot. I told him if he ever wanted a future with me, he had to stop one thing and he could have me forever. Well, I don't think that he loves me more than pot and his pot smoking buddy. I am on my last string. I want him in my life, but not if he is doing drugs. He is the one who makes me smile every day when I see him. We laugh and he gives the best hugs in the world. But when he is on drugs, it's all about him and who cares about me. So, my advice is: we should both say good bye and if you stop and I am not with someone else, then let's try it then. However, they will also lose something that is very meaningful and that they love. If that ain't good enough to lose that. then we aren't the ones for them. They need something bigger and better in their lives and I guess we can't help them. Other than them putting us through alot of pain
blind_otter Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 wow. pot = crystal meth? man i'm in trouuuuuubbbllllleee.
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