Jtizzle Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Long story short... Me and my mm have been bestfriends so to say, for a year now..he has been married to his wife for 2yrs, but with her for a full 5..when me and him met, he told me their situation right from the start, he said they were seperated and getting a divorce as soon as he got back to the states to finalize it and whatnot. he came home for a lil vacation in feb.(hes in the army and stationed in korea) and from the likes of what he said to me last nite i dont think him and his wife did the whole court appearance together to finish the deed up. My mm went back to korea and i would say that at the beginning of march we started saying I LOVE YOU to each other..it wasnt a oh yea were bestfriends and i love you blah blah, like some friends would say..but it was more on a romantic level, so to say..well we say it to each other everyday that he emails, ims, and calls..I tried to prolong this and not catch feelins for him until he was out of his marriage, but i am just confused about things.. first question..do opposite sex friends always say i love u to each other everyday they see each other? (thats if they are just friends) secondly...is this like an emotional affair between us? i mean being that he is seperated from his wife and whanot, but does it still count as a emotional one? thirdly..what should i do, being that he is married and seems to be having probs with his wife? last but not least...is it really considered infidelity if you have sexual or emotional relations while married but u two are seperated? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 How do you know he's legally seperated? How do you know he is getting divorced? You've been *Best Friends* with this Guy for over a year and you've said when you met him he told you then he was getting divorced... but wow, he still isn't.. All I can tell you here is IME with the Guys and for real some Women as well in the Military it's amazing how much infidelity there is and it's amazing to me how many of these Guys/Girls have BFs/GFs while they are still very much married.. The Military is very clear about what is okay and what isn't... IF this Guy (your best friend) got caught by his commanding officer messing around while he's married (even if he was/is seperated) his butt is going to be in a lot of trouble... Unless or Until this Guy shows you divorce papers I wouldn't be involved with him... and then you may want to consider as well... he's away often on deployment... do you feel comfortable that he wouldn't do this to you? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 He is definitely not lying about being separated. I mean, he's in Korea and his wife is in the US. Indeed, how do you know he is separated? You mean he sleep in another apartment when he comes back to the US and you've seen this place and know exactly that he has filed for divorce? MM lie to their mistresses and many affairs seem to start with mere friendship. If he is really separated and divorcing her then he is not cheating on his wife. The moment you pack your bags and file for divorce you break the relationship with your spouse. If this is the case and you're 100% sure then this is not an emotional affair. But Please keep in mind that some men are lying dogs and all affairs start with MM claiming they're divorcing. Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Jtizzle, I agree with the others, how do you know what he is saying is true? Men and women lie during affairs. Only you know the answer to most of your questions. My best friend is female and I tell her I love her once in awhile. But its not romantic. Only you know the intentions of that word between you and your friend. I would hope that you can get a feeling of where its coming from. I would say that if there is no sexual relationship between you and your friend but you feel connected romantically then I would think it is an emotional affair. Again...not sure how anyone but you can answer this. In Your third question you asked what should you do if your friend and his wife are having problems? NOTHING. Leave them alone to work it out. If your friend is away in the service I would be dating up a storm. If he comes back to divorce his wife then I would further your relationship with him. RecordProducer I have to disagree with your concept that as soon as the bags are packed the marriage is over. One of the reasons judges make it a six month mandatory wait time is to see if the marriage can turn around and be saved. At least here in Michigan that is one of the reasons. I really feel that until the divorce is final there is still a marriage. How many times have people filed then changed their minds? I would hate there to be a third person involved, aka OW or OM. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 I have attempted to provide straightforward, non-sugarcoated direct answers to your questions. I hope it is of some help. Originally posted by Jtizzle first question..do opposite sex friends always say i love u to each other everyday they see each other? (thats if they are just friends) Generally not. secondly...is this like an emotional affair between us? It's not "like" an emotional affair, it is one. i mean being that he is seperated from his wife and whanot, but does it still count as a emotional one? Yes. thirdly..what should i do, being that he is married and seems to be having probs with his wife? That is up to you. If he wants to work it out with the wife, and if the wife is not evil, you should let him try. If that is what you decide to do, know that it involves not saying you love him everyday, and probably also involves not talking with him much if at all. last but not least...is it really considered infidelity if you have sexual or emotional relations while married but u two are seperated? [i assume you mean while he and his W are separated]. Yes, but every situation is different. If he is still working it out with the W, and has not told you that he wants to be with you and not with her, and has had a chance to make the divorce final but didn't do it, you should probably stay away from him and date a lot. As has been said, if he comes back and divorces his wife, then perhaps you can pursue a relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jtizzle Posted May 10, 2005 Author Share Posted May 10, 2005 i agree with everybody completely and if i was someone else seeing this same situation posted i would tell them the same advice u all are saying to me..guess u gotta hear it from somebody whos lookin in at something to finally somewhat get the picture.. ive been doing alot of thinkin since the last time me and him talked..he called me last nite, but i was too tired to pick up..and he left me im's which i answered...he was talkin about his wife..and well like a good citizen i gave him advice on what to do..not advice to leave her, but good quality advice to stay and work things out with her,etc.. i think he just says the I love you, because of the love that is missing or watever between him and his SO..its like i do the things that she doesnt do, i send him letters, phone cards, care packages,etc..and she doesnt nothing..so maybe he tries to justify saying i love u to me with that kinda stuff, i dont know.. but yea ive done my crying for the nite and i came to tha same conclusion as each one of you that replied did, that i should let him work it out with his wife..and that i should cut out the i love you to him,etc..so the next time me and him speak, ill let him know how i feel and just be done with this, and take this as a lesson learned Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Could this be true? Could it really be true? A woman, on the brink of being an OW, who has what it takes (whatever that is...) to get out while the gettin' is good? Jtizzle, I read your thread with a heavy heart....thinking "here we go again" - another woman who is about to have her heart pulled out by a MM....but from your last post - I feel light and free - for you! Congratulations - you are making a great decision. May I offer one more piece of advice? Now that you've realized that this man is not available at this time, and are committed to avoid being in an emotional affair that will be painful to you (and likely to others) -- please consider putting a little distance between you and him - lightening up on the contact - just to give yourself a better chance to move on in a healthy way. You'll always be able to resurrect the "friendship" in the future if it's the right thing for you! Good luck! Kkat Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Jtizzle, Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
blissfullyaloof Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 I am sorry that you are in this sitch...emotional affairs can be very painful for everyone involved. I would say don't only put a little distance between you....end it all and but put a NO contact rule between you. It will be really hard in the beginning...you HAVE been in an emotional affair...you are not on the brink of being the OW, you HAVE been the OW...so now you will have to deal with that pain of withdrawing. And you might have to deal with depression of causing pain to this man's wife and the man you really like. I know you don't owe her anything as you are not the one breaking your marriage vows...but if she finds out about you, she will be VERY hurt..and like it or not you will be partly to blame. Plus he will feel guilty about hurting you and his wife...so he will be in pain as well...and you will probably feel like you are the cause of this..but you are not...he is. Anyway, after a while it does become easier...but it will be REALLY hard not talking to him. I would do like you said and tell him what you are about to do...DO NOT backdown(again, this will be HARD)...then change all of your emails(or block him)..im accounts..phone #'s...whatever he knows about. This sounds drastic...but if you really love this man and want him to work it out with his wife...then you need to be out of the picture completely! Please know that I give this advice from the presepective of being an OW AND a betrayed spouse...I know how it feels on both sides. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders...do not let feelings for this man to cloud that good judgement. Blissfullyaloof Link to post Share on other sites
turningleaf Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Hi, It is hard to say what is going on. 'friends' do not always say "luv ya' to ea. other. when they are opposite sex. I do not judge you, as I believe everyone deserves happiness, and we cannot control who we become attracted to. I am attracted to a married man, and have only had e-mail contact with him on a few occasions, but no back and forth dialogue. Make sure he is respecting your feelings. You must also do the same with his. I would be cautious about becoming physically involved unless you both have clean breaks from your significant others. Allow your relationship to progress very slowly, if you do end up together. You may find out he was not worth all of the grief. Now when you figure out what is going on, please tell me what to do with my situation!! turningleaf Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jtizzle Posted May 14, 2005 Author Share Posted May 14, 2005 well i would say its been a while since me and army bud talked..he's getting ready to be deployed back to the states and whanot..and he's off for the week end and we sent a few messages via im's...but we didnt get to really really talk because instead of using my pc i was using the messenger on my phone. well we were talking and whatnot and he asks me if i am going to be staying home/texas while doing college, he then said that he asked that because he wanted to see if we could see each other MORE than less when he gets back..i just rolled my eyes at that and thought to myself, person you should b makin plans to see is ya wife..so i send him a few im's and i told him i had just got done working out,and he says something along the lines of, when i get back from the stores, maybe you can put on a little SHOW for me show meanin he wanted me to strip and masturbate on webcam for him....now i'll admit that and i feel bad already for this, but yes i have sent him some "PRIVATE" pix and promised him a show, but its like now that i kno he talks to his wife, and that he's actually THINKING about THEIR SITUATION, i never felt so nasty and disgusted or disrespected in my life, until that moment when he asked for that.. when we talked about him and the progress of his divorce going through the courts,i was a sap and would have done it THEN, but now,ooooooooooooooh he better be glad we wasnt on the phone or i wasnt near at home on my pc to just tell his ass sum things or two.. but mos def. i am going to see what is on and popping with his wife and him, give him some more chin up it will work out advice, and iniate the whole NC..but i cant do that until me and him actualy talk, so i can get my feelins out and not leave with a chip on my shoulder... so on that note i will keep everybody posted on what goes down... Link to post Share on other sites
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