Completely Blindsided

[lostinthecity]

I met my now ex-boyfriend in college. He was my best guy friend and we got along great. People at school always thought we were dating even though we weren't. I ended up leaving college, and on his last year, I ended up connecting him with some people who got him a job in his field. That job ended up oddly bringing him to work in my hometown. Obviously we started to hang out all the time, until one day we started dating. Never expected it, it just happened. We moved in together after 1 year, we had already lived together in college so the transition wasn't strange. Our relationship was great, we were best friends, sex life was great, we never fought, if we had an argument it was discussed and fixed. In November we would've been together for 4 years. Last week, we had an argument, that I thought would be resolved as everything else usually did and he ended up breaking up with me. He had been strange for a couple of months, but when asked, he said it was his job which was stressing him out and living in this particular city (which he was never happy about.) During the breakup he told me that he didn't love me anymore, that he hadn't for some time. That he only loved me as a friend. A couple of days later, we reconnected to talk it out more calmly, he now said that he had misspoken, that he still was in love with me but that he needed time on his own to figure out his own things i.e. what he wants to do with his life. Although that is completely understandable, I am now confused. I honestly never expected the breakup, we were always super honest, knew when the other person was lying since we were friends way before dating, and the day before the breakup we were planning out where we were going to move next. I'm completely blindsided. I feel like I lost my best friend and boyfriend at the same time. It has been really amicable and difficult for us both, but now my confusion on why this happened so suddenly is killing me. I've been blaming myself for the relationship ending, even though he has expressed that i am not at fault at all. And i'm super confused about the love thing. Did he mean what he said the first time? or does he indeed love me still and just needs to get his life together without me? Is he lying? We both described to one another that we felt empty after the breakup. Has anyone else had a similar situation? Friends, family, and even people who did not know us very well were in shock about our breakup. Everyone thought that we would get married. I don't understand what just happened. I need some enlightenment.

Edited August 9, 2015 by lostinthecity

[Gus Grimly]

Awe, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's not easy for me to read these stories as I'm only just now starting to heal myself.

 

I'm not sure if anyone can give you the answers you want beyond speculation. So, this could be one possible reason out of hundreds why he's ended it.

 

Think of the way he feels about the relationship like a grandfather clock pendulum swinging back and forth. On one side, he has all the good memories, the love you both shared, the intimacy and the friendship. On the other side, there's probably feelings of apprehension, indecisiveness, fear, regret. He most likely still loves you, but there's a blemish in the relationship causing him to want it to end.

 

Your boyfriend still loves and cares for you, but the relationship has run its course. There is something bothering him to the point he had to make this very hard decision. It's something you probably won't be able to fix.

 

I wouldn't hold out any hope for reconciliation, and you may never know the truth behind him walking away. All you can do right at this moment is focus on yourself and a future without him.

[FaithInMe]

I am so sorry this happened to you. But you will find a lot of support here.

 

I am a lot older than you, but I can relate to what you are feeling. The same thing happened to me a couple months ago. I lost my lover, my best friend, and my future all at once. It was devastating! Everyone thought we'd be sending out wedding invitations by next year. One week we were talking about moving in together, and then the next week he broke up with me out of the blue at a stoplight (literally).

 

Nothing made sense....not that day he talked to more, or the emails after. After 2 months I still don't understand what happened, and how he let it get to the point that he thought walking away was his only option, when we hadn't even been fighting??

 

I also know that there is still a lot of love and respect between us. Things have been amicable (very limited contact). That can create its own kind of confusion. Because if we love and respect each other, and we are best friends, why can't we work this out? But it takes two people to do that.

 

I'm telling you all of this because even if your exBF gives you answers, they may not help. He may not even really understand himself. He probably does love you, but he is also confused and going through his own pain right now. They will say things that they don't mean, or that don't make any sense.

 

You can't really help him with that, because you need to focus on YOU.

 

The best thing you can do right now is take some space for you and to make yourself feel better. Spend time with people who love you. Pamper yourself. Talk to friends. And get that space you need.

 

After some time has gone by and you can breathe, you'll be able to think more clearly. As I said, I am a couple months ahead of you, and I promise that you'll get to a better place. It just takes time.

 

You need to focus on you right now. I know that is going to be very difficult, because you'll keep thinking about him, what is he thinking, what is he doing, what did he mean, etc..... That won't help you at all. Trust me.

 

Here if you need me, okay?

 

~Faith

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, blindsiding goes hand-in-hand with emotional dishonesty. The questions you ask all have this answer: Yes/No. That's all you get to know. That is your closure. And, in a way, it's the most honest answer you can get from someone who doesn't know what they want, doesn't know who they are, doesn't talk to you about their feelings, hides their feelings, etc.

 

He may have met someone. I say that because that's a usual culprit. It's a usual catalyst for change in a relationship.

 

You don't need to find out. As Grimly said all you can do is go NC, focus on you, heal, move on.

[Qboro90]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can try and give you some insight into his mindset as I had been in a similar relationship in my early 20's where I ended things and my gf at the time felt blind sided. For me and probably your ex as well just know that it wasn't just a random decision he made that day without any previous consideration or wavering back and forth. While your relationship might have been great in your eyes, he could have started to notice that while he likes/loves/cares about you, he didn't see himself with you 5 years from now and rather than continue dating he ended it now. Like ripping a bandaid off instead of gradually letting himself withdraw and drag it out.

 

In my situation I just realized over a few weeks/month that I really didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. The girl I was with was great to me and a wonderful gf. I just had other things I wanted to prioritize and knew that even if I expressed that to her, she would want to make it work any way she could. Support, give me more space to focus on my career, education, etc. And while that's incredible of her I simply did not want to have her or anyone for that matter along for the ride while I worked on my life and the things I wanted to do. Didn't mean I didn't love the girl. But once I realized that I'd prefer to be on my own through this period of my life and didn't necessarily want or need her there while I matured .. That kind of showed me that maybe my feelings for her had peaked and if I wasn't madly in love with her to the point where I couldn't let her go regardless of what other things I had going on, then I probably wasn't going to develop those feelings at any point.

 

We dated for 2 years when I ended it and looking back I know I did the right thing because I never found myself regretting it or wanting her back. Therefor I must not have loved her as much as I expressed when we were together. I wasn't saying I loved her and wanted to be with her forever for no reason either. I was young and thought I felt those things truly. As I grew older I realized that there are different levels of love and desire and those feelings for her just weren't where they should've been after 2 years so why continue? If your BF enjoyed dating you but came to the realization that you weren't the girl he wanted to marry then respect that he was able to tell you now and save you from wasting perhaps years of your life.

 

Let him be for now. Don't reach out. When a guy breaks up with a girl like he did with you then the ONLY thing that will lead him back to you or reconciliation is if he realized it on his own without you contacting or swaying his opinion at all. The best thing you can do is leave him alone. Being clingy and reaching out or staying friends will just make him feel like he can have u back at any time her wants and therefore don't come to the realization that he could lose you forever. Best of luck

[foolinlove79]

Hi there. I am sorry for you too. It is so hard losing someone who is also your best friend. I am a bit older then you too. I have found sometimes peoples feelings just change. It doesnt make sense and its not fair. It just is the way it is. It can be you have not done anything wrong either. You are very young and this guy just isn't the one for you. It sux when things dont work out the way you want. Right now you are hurting. Everyone on this site knows what that is like. You will be ok in time. Xx