One month post BU

[dowbuild]

What I've learnt one month BU. I wish I could say I've come farther but I attach quite strongly and hold onto hope despite all that is in front of my face. However I have learnt some things that have held me back.

 

1. Accept. The sooner you accept you can start to free your mind from fixing all the issues and wondering at what point things started to decline. What they say is most likely what they mean. I tried to interpret every morsel of info as a glimpse of hope but when you step back and look at the things they have said it can be obvious that they have moved on and want you to as well.

 

2. NC. Of course I thought we were different and I could use my ex as a crutch to get me through this. I did get more closure possibly but those things that were last said will not stop circulating in my mind. What has started to hurt worse than the actual BU is knowing how fast he has been able to bounce back to a normal perhaps better life without me. Which of course is a huge slap in the face considering some mornings I just hope I never wake up again. I have started NC only to be able to move on with my life and stop pretending that things are going to go back to the way they were.

 

After this I hope to come back a bit more healed. It's terrible for now but it can't last forever.

[Thegreatfrazzle]

This is very true. The reason the dumper gets back to normal a lot faster is because they began to let go ages ago, before you even broke up. If you have been a nice person to him and that is how he treated you, don't just let go of him, in your mind, tell him to fu£k off.

 

You are doing great though, at one month I wasn't even close to realising what you know now, so keep up the good work! Just do not, under any circumstances, break NC. I did it a few times, and all it does is drag you back. The first time it took me back to how I felt the day after the BU, and the second time it took a few weeks of my recovery. It is just not worth it.

[Gus Grimly]

Just do not, under any circumstances, break NC. I did it a few times, and all it does is drag you back.

I broke NC because, at that point, I couldn't get any worse. It actually helped me a great deal. My Ex fiance broke up with me using a convoluted lie. When I called her 2 weeks later that lie never came up as a reason for the BU. She said I broke her trust, blamed everything on me, said some really hurtful things, and gave away some clues that eventually led me to find out that she had another guy waiting in the wings.

 

Having this knowledge helped me because the person I loved no longer existed. In her place was someone I didn't know, someone who lacks empathy. It freed me from caring anymore and gave me the strength to rid her from my life completely.

[lucid768]

im also 30 days out. I thought things would get easier but the words she shared with me while breaking up still sting me greatly. I sent an email to her a few days after but haven't heard anything from her in response or since the break up. It's so sick since I yearn to see her still everyday yet she doesn't want me based on her actions or lack thereof. Acceptance is so hard because I still want to be with her. I don't know how long it takes for that to go away. I don't know how no contact does anything than let them move on. For me it hasn't yet achieved much other than perhaps some self esteem that I haven't groveled to get her back. I know it's supposed to get better and I'm hoping contributing here and reading posts like yours and replying with the message that you aren't alone will help. Someone tonight told me this is what happens. People change. Feelings can change. There is nothing to say this break up wouldn't have happened a year after it did. That may have been even harder to deal with. I know it's hard to look on bright side of this and I often struggle and go to some very dark places. But stay strong knowing others are here to support you and that just as you say there has to be a future better than the one we've been dealing with the last month.

[dowbuild]

im also 30 days out. I thought things would get easier but the words she shared with me while breaking up still sting me greatly. I sent an email to her a few days after but haven't heard anything from her in response or since the break up. It's so sick since I yearn to see her still everyday yet she doesn't want me based on her actions or lack thereof. Acceptance is so hard because I still want to be with her. I don't know how long it takes for that to go away. I don't know how no contact does anything than let them move on. For me it hasn't yet achieved much other than perhaps some self esteem that I haven't groveled to get her back. I know it's supposed to get better and I'm hoping contributing here and reading posts like yours and replying with the message that you aren't alone will help. Someone tonight told me this is what happens. People change. Feelings can change. There is nothing to say this break up wouldn't have happened a year after it did. That may have been even harder to deal with. I know it's hard to look on bright side of this and I often struggle and go to some very dark places. But stay strong knowing others are here to support you and that just as you say there has to be a future better than the one we've been dealing with the last month.

 

Oh lucid768 I totally hear you. I yearn so much for him that every day I wake up with major depression with no hope to move forward. I took a hard look the last couple days at our last communications and looked at it from a logical perspective (just for a few moments) and realized he has let go. Me sitting here wishing and hoping things would change was doing nothing to change his mind. So while he is out there moving on, I am sunk in this depression hole. That is not right, I forced myself to take the first move forward and let go.

 

NC for me has changed from being a manipulative maneuver to get him back into to using it as my only source of power. Every time we talk it's direct like a friend you kinda don't care if you talk to. That kills me inside therefore I have to give up and move on. If they want you back you know they will make it known. Sending messages only takes away your dignity and power. Look at what happened for what it is and nothing more, in this case positivity is only hurting you more. Start letting go and moving on, two things will happen, you move on and heal and find something better or you move on and they realize what they lost. Its the only win win situation left. Its so so tough to admit and its taken me a month to come to this decision but its all we have left. Don't spend anymore time fighting for what is already gone:( Im sorry Im giving myself tough true love. I'm here anytime to talk.