Bigmess2 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 So long story short... I'm 27. I've been in 3 long term relationships. The longest was 4 years. The shortest was a year and a half and that one was probably the most serious. So that being said, i've been in relationships longer than i've been in the dating around world. I've been dating here and there for a year now. So far i've found nothing but guys that are noncommittal. I am not one to jump into something serious unless theres a really good chemistry there and I can be pretty picky. I just don't understand when things seem to be going so well with a guy and then all of the sudden they ghost out and disappear. I have been talking to this one guy since April. Every single day pretty much and it has been a healthy balance between him and I initiating conversation. We have sex regularly. He comes over at least twice a week. I've met his friends twice. So even though there was no title there, we were definitely enjoying each others company. The past few days, however, i'm starting to feel bummed out because that has come to an abrupt stop and for no reason that I can make out. He helps coach a travel team and he went away for 4 days. I saw him before we left, we talked the entire time he was away and we made plans for the day after he got back. The day before he got back he had to cancel our plans and said that we'd definitely have to reschedule... So the next day he texts me asking to hang out and I said i'd love to hang out but we couldn't at my house because there were people working on the house but maybe we could go to the beach and come here later on. He said nah nevermind I just wanted to bum around during the day. So that threw me off because I don't understand how you can't bum around at the beach and why ask me to hang out and then take it back??? Then the next 2 days after that I initiated conversation and there wasn't much to it. Just basic, "how's your day going" conversation. I asked him what his plans were for the week because i'd like to see him and he said "not too sure, football starts up (another sport he coaches) and I'm gonna have to play it by ear. If that's not an excuse for, I don't want to hang out with you, then idk what it is... So basically i'm going to give up on texting him unless he comes to me. I just don't understand how things could have been going so well for the both of us and within 1 day there being distance. I don't understand!!!!! Nothing even happened... Ugh bummed... end of vent session. Thanks for listening.
Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Sorry you're going through this.. Can I ask though, if you're fed up of non committers, why do you continue this for months knowing that you'll probably build feelings without pushing for exclusivity earlier? 1
ThisisIt606 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 You're right that he definitely sounds like he's pulling away. Do you know if there's anything else going on in his life that he's stressed about? Guys ( not all) can be horrible communicators and if something is bothering them can tend to shut people out. This happened to me with an ex and it turned out his grandmother died, it was like pulling teeth to get it out of him/ finding out why he was so silent and acting so weird . So if you care, ask if he's ok/ anything going on. Tell him you can give him his space of he needs and then do just that. Don't initiate any further contact and let him fade if he wants to. You don't need that stress in your life.
xcupid Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I'm sorry this has happened but some guys are like that. He needs his space for some reason. Give it to him. And let him come back to you, if he wants to. I hope it works out for you. 1
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Thank everyone. He broke his arm a couple weeks ago and that has kind of put a damper on the things he enjoys doing. Like working out. But i've been there for him and have tried to make him feel better. I don't really know why he's pulling away and I really just wish I had a reason for it because things had been going so well. He had been telling me how he enjoyed my company too so I know how it wasn't all one sided. I don't get how one day you can be all about someone and the next you want nothing to do with them. Ughhh. Depressing.
Waynester Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Maybe just try asking him outright? I don't know what level of communication/trust you have but if something's bothering you..like this is, perhaps just ask if all is ok? Explain how you feel, that it's like he's pulling away.
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Waynester- I was thinking about doing that. I was literally just coming on here to ask for some advice about that actually. I'm not sure if I should just not communicate and let him come to me (if he ever decides to text me again... haven't talked to him since Saturday and that was only because i texted.) Or if i should just be like hey I don't mean to be annoying but is everything alright? I don't want him to see I texted him and be like ughhhhh this girl is a stage 5 clinger. Because that's the last thing I want to be. I'm just so confused how things could be going so well to being so distant.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Waynester- I was thinking about doing that. I was literally just coming on here to ask for some advice about that actually. I'm not sure if I should just not communicate and let him come to me (if he ever decides to text me again... haven't talked to him since Saturday and that was only because i texted.) Or if i should just be like hey I don't mean to be annoying but is everything alright? I don't want him to see I texted him and be like ughhhhh this girl is a stage 5 clinger. Because that's the last thing I want to be. I'm just so confused how things could be going so well to being so distant. My number #1 rule in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. If some guy has suddenly pulled away and is no longer giving me his time and attention, I'd chew my right arm off before reaching out to him to try to get his attention again. If he wants to see you, he'll contact you. Hopefully by that point in time, you'll turn his sorry ass down flat. 1
Lansing Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 If you have this "discussion" do it over the phone at minimum and NOT via text. This girl I was dating previously exploded on me over text with a "what is going on??" type message after I didn't talk to her a few days (was really busy with work and instead of her being supportive she attacked me). The way she reacted was enough to turn me off of her for good.
kendahke Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 So long story short... I'm 27. I've been in 3 long term relationships. The longest was 4 years. The shortest was a year and a half and that one was probably the most serious. So that being said, i've been in relationships longer than i've been in the dating around world. I've been dating here and there for a year now. So far i've found nothing but guys that are noncommittal. I am not one to jump into something serious unless theres a really good chemistry there and I can be pretty picky. I just don't understand when things seem to be going so well with a guy and then all of the sudden they ghost out and disappear. I have been talking to this one guy since April. Every single day pretty much and it has been a healthy balance between him and I initiating conversation. We have sex regularly. He comes over at least twice a week. I've met his friends twice. So even though there was no title there, we were definitely enjoying each others company. The past few days, however, i'm starting to feel bummed out because that has come to an abrupt stop and for no reason that I can make out. He helps coach a travel team and he went away for 4 days. I saw him before we left, we talked the entire time he was away and we made plans for the day after he got back. The day before he got back he had to cancel our plans and said that we'd definitely have to reschedule... So the next day he texts me asking to hang out and I said i'd love to hang out but we couldn't at my house because there were people working on the house but maybe we could go to the beach and come here later on. He said nah nevermind I just wanted to bum around during the day. So that threw me off because I don't understand how you can't bum around at the beach and why ask me to hang out and then take it back??? Then the next 2 days after that I initiated conversation and there wasn't much to it. Just basic, "how's your day going" conversation. I asked him what his plans were for the week because i'd like to see him and he said "not too sure, football starts up (another sport he coaches) and I'm gonna have to play it by ear. If that's not an excuse for, I don't want to hang out with you, then idk what it is... So basically i'm going to give up on texting him unless he comes to me. I just don't understand how things could have been going so well for the both of us and within 1 day there being distance. I don't understand!!!!! Nothing even happened... Ugh bummed... end of vent session. Thanks for listening. He met someone while he was out of town.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 If you want commitment why did you agree to be fwb? It's very difficult to reset things afterwards, when one of the parties has caught feelings and the other one hasn't. Which seems to be the case here. You need to be honest about what it is that you want from this. If you want to move things towards being bf/gf this will probably not going to happen, he's not on the same page. If you want to continue being just fwb, this is doable, he'll likely be back at some point, after whatever he's got going right now ends. Either way do not contact him until he reaches out. 1
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 When we had a discussion on what we were both looking for I told him that I like him and that if we turned into something more he'd be happy with that and we agreed to taking things slow. Things have been progressing and he was telling me he cared about my feelings up until the other day when they suddenly stopped. I guess I'm just scared about chasing him away. He texted me today... Very small talk just asking how the day went and telling me about his day. So idk.... I wish I could read his mind.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 This is the problem. It seems likes more and more people don't have the ability or patience to just relax and let things develop naturally. Everything has become about definition/labels and having discussions from the get go about it. Some women like the OP are so focused on commitment, that it ends up feeling forced and goal oriented. Relationships are supposed to be fun, playful, and stress free. But when some women have their guards up, are worried that they'll be used for sex, and try to force a relationship from the beginning, it turns men off. Also it should be about wanting a relationship w-a particular person and not just about the idea of being one in general. If you let things develop naturally and take your time, you'll show the person you want them, and not just anyone to fill a void in your life. My advice OP? Have your only goal be to go out on dates and have fun. Take it week by week and live in the moment. Don't think about the future or what the sex means. Just enjoy yourself and relax. You're 10x more likely to wind up in a relationship being carefree and confident, then insecure and commitment obsessed.
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My advice OP? Have your only goal be to go out on dates and have fun. Take it week by week and live in the moment. Don't think about the future or what the sex means. Just enjoy yourself and relax. You're 10x more likely to wind up in a relationship being carefree and confident, then insecure and commitment obsessed. I agree with this part. I think it sounds like you were trying to do that though, right? and he still pulled away? You're not going to like this part as far as a reason why (and I don't usually jump to this conclusion) but when he made plans with you, then cancelled and then tried to get together again but not the beach, just wanted to "bum around"--- to me, that means he wanted sex rather than see you as a priority, i think. Now it could have just meant for that one time because he was tired from traveling or it could be how he sees the relationship on the whole. Here's the thing, while I agree with what ff says above (part of it), i think you need to hold back on the sex and then think a relationship will just come out of it. There are so few girls that are truly and 100% comfortable having sex when the guy is not wanting to be committed. It's hard because of course you probably want it to but if later you're going to be upset because it didn't lead to a relationship as you hoped it would, then you should tell him you need to take it slow. He wants to take it slow with the emotional part and that's fine but then don't be fully onboard yourself. Take it for what it is: easy, light dating and handle accordingly. If he was seeing you twice a week was it primarily at just your house, sex a lot of the time? Well then he got lazy. He didn't have to do much to be in a "relationship" with you so without putting effort in, he didn't really value his time with you. That's what I'm guessing is going on. Good luck. Post more and I will try to help.
Author Bigmess2 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 I really appreciate all of your responses. Thank you! Im definitely going to follow this advice. I believe everything will fall into place the way it should. I just have to stop expecting and take it a day at a time.
myothernic2 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I really appreciate all of your responses. Thank you! Im definitely going to follow this advice. I believe everything will fall into place the way it should. I just have to stop expecting and take it a day at a time. Please don't "stop expecting" what you really want! It's been four months and I think at this point he either wants a relationship with you or not. Don't start settling for less than, you'll regret it. 1
Teraskas Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 It's ironic really because I'm having the same issue with the opposite gender. Constantly running into women who are commitment phobes and ghost out on me after several dates, perform the fade, etc. Whereas I ADMIT that I want a relationship and am genuinely looking for that. :/
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I really appreciate all of your responses. Thank you! Im definitely going to follow this advice. I believe everything will fall into place the way it should. I just have to stop expecting and take it a day at a time. I think that will make you more doormat-y to him. You need to start seeing this whole thing from your point of view. And take a long-term view if you want to be his gf---not a short term one. That means don't give him the benefits of being in a relationship when you are not in one. Sure take it a day at a time AND if he is not offering much, enjoy it for what is is on that day but pull back appropriately. Don't jump to see him. If he's not making you a priority (which it doesn't sound like he is), don't treat him as a priority. The part I meant about thinking long term is that you don't see him twice a week because you are worried if you don't he'll lose interest and he's asking you at the last minute and you don't want to miss the chance. You SHOW him you are important by not accepting but suggesting an alternative for example the following week. You need to show him you are worth something. Planning, thought, priority, communication, waiting. If he disappears, it's because he wasn't interested in that way anyway. And you should be dating others as well. Actually guys fall more in love with you when you do this not less--if there is a chance at all (it may be past the point). It's not being bitchy or playing games. It's showing them that if he doesn't put much effort in, then you are only marginally interested. Also you don't be available all the time because he needs to see that if he doesn't take the top slot in your time, you will give it to someone/something else. See? So yes, relax but only because he is giving you very little, you need to participate and start putting some standards of your own onto it. 3
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