Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Hi all, advice is much appreciated as i'm a inexperienced in this field. So I've been speaking to a lovely girl for a while and we finally met up today. It was lovely, we got on, laughed, spoke, chilled and had lunch. I enjoyed her company, she looks great and had no awkwardness. What I'm asking is does there need to be some big spark to move things forward? There wasn't for me unfortunately.. I want to see her again, feel like I could build feelings by dating her, but I guess i'm comparing her to the feelings of my ex where when I first laid eyes on her I wanted to get to know her and be with her... The feelings aren't like that for this one - does that mean something is wrong? I may sound naive and I am but mature advice would be appreciated.
carhill Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 1. If you're comparing anything about a new person to your ex, even incidentally as an analysis of your style of interaction, keep things casual. It's a sign of residual emotional attachment, and perfectly normal for anyone who's ended a relationship or marriage. 2. Absent your ex, have you always felt 'a big spark' immediately with every woman you've successfully dated and mated with? If so, that's your style and your preference and you should go with it. If it's missing here, move on. This serves two purposes; one, it respects your style of interaction and attachment and, two, it validates your power to self-determine and prioritize your own health over any particular social interaction. Does there need to be a big spark? The answer depends on the people. We're all different. If the styles and sparks match up, then the people keep showing up and a relationship could occur. If other, other. 10
Author Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Thank you for your quick response. 1) I agree, my relationship with my ex only ended 3 months ago. Although I do not want her back or anything of the sort, i'm definitely comparing the initial feelings of attraction to this new girl. 2) I'm unsure, that's why I said i'm inexperienced. I have dated a few girls casually but have only had 1 serious relationship which was where I felt that initial spark. Perhaps since I've had my heart broken I'm now being more cautious and mature about the whole thing? I'm not too sure, I want to continue dating this girl for a while to see how it goes but as it stands right now, she is alot more forward than I am, which is why i'm skeptical.
xcupid Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Comparing her to your ex is a bit unfair. You might have had lustful feelings for your ex when you first met her. Your lustful feelings for this new woman may take time to develop as you get to know her. If you at least LIKE her then date her again. And again. See how things progress. Contrary to what others say, you don't have to have an immediate spark to fall in love with someone. Sometimes it takes time. Good luck. Sounds promising. 10
Author Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Appreciate that response, it's what I wanted to hear.. Thank you
yellowhibiscus Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 For me, usually the "spark" comes a few dates in...I've never felt it on the first date. Usually, I will really like someone enough to spend more time with them and then once I get to know them a little better, I will feel like wow this person is amazing and I want to spend more and more time with them until eventually falling head over heels in love 2
Author Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 For me, usually the "spark" comes a few dates in...I've never felt it on the first date. Usually, I will really like someone enough to spend more time with them and then once I get to know them a little better, I will feel like wow this person is amazing and I want to spend more and more time with them until eventually falling head over heels in love Lovely thank you for that
Gary S Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 There does not have to be a big spark but there should be something there to kick things off. Would you like to kiss her? That's the question you need to ask yourself. 4
Author Yummm Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Yeah, definitely Gary. It could have been done today easily but I wanted to just take things slow as she was alot more forward than me. I guess deep down i'm comparing the initial feelings of attraction with her to my ex, which isn't good. No, I am not comparing HER to my ex, but like I said, when I first laid eyes on my ex the sparks were there, this time it's alot slower and with alot more caution, which I guess isn't a bad thing. Will continue to date her this week, i'll update you guys! Thank you, much love xx
ZA Dater Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 The positive part here is you like her, that's a massive, massive positive and I think gives you the foundation to see her again. Best of luck. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I recently went for something without the spark and regretted it. She was super nice, sweet, etc but it just didn't hit me, ya know. I kept thinking it would and drew it out longer than I should have. I created quite an unnecessary mess which I know regret. That's my story, YMMV. 3
Gloria25 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 You gotta watch "sparks" cuz sometimes those sparks make you think something's there when there really isn't. I say give it a few more dates. "Sparks" only get your foot in the door, it takes a lot more to get a deeper connection with someone. But like others said, good that you feel "something"...I'd advise you to let it go if you felt "nothing". Think of it as calling her back in for a 2nd interview
rocketman122 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 everyone is different. I personally need the immediate spark. the attraction must be there at a very high level. she doesnt have to be the prettiest but something about her makes me want to be with her. it helps move things along better as well. ive been on many dates. on many I didnt have a strong spark and I ultimately had to walk away. they were interested but I didnt feel my heart pumping intensely. maybe it sounds shallow. I also make sure to read the profile a few times to see there would be compatability. and I have gone on dates where what they wrote spoke to me and the pictures werent exactly what impressed me and ultimately they never looked even as good as their pictures and I went flat. so basically I need the strong attraction and spark but also who the person is, is just as important. thats very rare to find. theres a certain proportion of one to the other im willing to be flexible with but a certain minimum of spark im willing to accept, otherwise it goes flat. there are many women OLD who are very attractive but I know it wont hold because from what they write, we wont have much to talk about and ultimately it wont hold. usually the I like to travel, like dancing, like restaurants and like enjoy the good life are those who care about what they do and not the person.
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) everyone is different. I personally need the immediate spark. the attraction must be there at a very high level. she doesnt have to be the prettiest but something about her makes me want to be with her. it helps move things along better as well. ive been on many dates. on many I didnt have a strong spark and I ultimately had to walk away. they were interested but I didnt feel my heart pumping intensely. maybe it sounds shallow. I also make sure to read the profile a few times to see there would be compatability. and I have gone on dates where what they wrote spoke to me and the pictures werent exactly what impressed me and ultimately they never looked even as good as their pictures and I went flat. so basically I need the strong attraction and spark but also who the person is, is just as important. thats very rare to find. theres a certain proportion of one to the other im willing to be flexible with but a certain minimum of spark im willing to accept, otherwise it goes flat. there are many women OLD who are very attractive but I know it wont hold because from what they write, we wont have much to talk about and ultimately it wont hold. usually the I like to travel, like dancing, like restaurants and like enjoy the good life are those who care about what they do and not the person. I am also not happy to bypass the initial spark. But I am not here to try and convince people anymore that fireworks and intense attraction is the be all and end all. And in actuality, it's so rare to find sparks flying MUTUALLY with a highly COMPATABLE individual, that most people never do find it. So it is probably worth exploring non sparks based beginnings to potential relationships if you want a family and you are happier in a relationship with mediocre chemistry to being single for years and possiblly forever..... I'be tried it and ultimately, with my relationships that lasted over two years that lacked the initial butterflies and giddy with excitement feeling, I never did fall head over heels. It was always falling quietly in love without that euphoric feeling. And yet the man I fell hard for and had sparks with from date one, I felt more strongly for him than I ever did for my two exes of two years......... Knowing what I know now, dating and relationships just aren't satisfying enough if I know full well that my feelings are watered down compared to what I know I CAN feel. The immediate first date chemistry and sparks have always been commensurate to the extent of my love for a man. The more intense the falling in love part the more I feel I can love a man long term. The initial infatuation and magic is something couples I know draw from to help keep the spark alive years later. I realize I will likely take a few years to find the hot attraction and sparks with a compatable partner but as a moderately attractive (but not gorgeous) woman in her late 20s, I believe I will garner the initial attraction with enough men for me to realistically hold out for the devine spark. Are you the type of person who can afford to wait for the strong intense feelings and sparks with a compatable, decent woman? (please consider that sparks are often one sided and it is rare to find MUTUALLY intense chemistry and sparks) Do you want kids? I am not phased about kids. Love em but don't need my own biological kids. So depending on your age and level of attractiveness, your only option may be to forgo sparks and the head over heels feeling in favour of great compatability and minimal to mediocre attraction without the heady infatuation stage. Most couples skip the instant sparks and most successful long term marriages didn't begin with sparks and fireworks. I just so happen to not be a woman who can be happy without a great love story. I would rather compromise a tad on compatability in order to mutually fall head over heels for someone where the compatability is still satisfying enough but not necessarily smooth skipping all the time. It is all relative. Who are you when it comes to love? What does your heart yearn for? Most people would PREFER a great romance with sparks flying and effortless chemistry but then again, many people also have low sex drives and so the need for amazing chemistry isn't there... Then there is the children factor and your age and lastly, are you attractive enough to garner attraction from enough women in order for you to realistically expect to land sparks with compatability? Most people are happier in a relationship with mediocre chemistry that started with no sparks initialy than they are remaining single for a year or more. I am not most people. My personality need for sparks to be flying sure isn't the norm and nor is it necessary for a happy and healthy marriage or like partnership. So the answer is no. Sparks are not necessary for a great relationship. But with divorce at a 50%... And the fact monogamy isn't natural or optimal for many... It also makes sense to hold out for a strong NATURAL chemistry and sparks from the outset. The stronger the chemistry the stronger the "in love " feeling. And if you have that more primal and raw attraction at an instinctive level, rather than passion you have to work to achieve, then I would said this : Strong and natural attraction plus great compatability = best chance at lasting love. Where as: mediocre chemistry and attraction that had to be worked hard on and great compatability = more suseptable to afrairs and divorce. The last question is: are you a person who can grow intense passion over time in absense of initial sparks? Some can. Mostly women as men are more visual. Edited August 9, 2015 by Leigh 87 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I will tell you a story. I know a guy who was engaged to a lovely caring and successful woman. They got along effortlessly. They made a great team and he was sexually attracted to her enough to want sex with her. She had a nice smile. He proposed to her after two years. It wasn't a great love story. There were no sparks or intense feelings of passion. Or may passion at all beyond deep love and comfort. Then he met his fiance. Sparks were flying from day one. Something was a bit special about her. He didn't want a relationship at the time because he just ended his engagement and 4 year relationship and he had a few dating profiles up stating that he was "just looking for fun". He was hell bent on remaining single for at least one year. The day he met his fiance it all went out the window. Sparks Flew. He found her stunning. They just clicked on top of the electric chemistry. He could not help but want to be with her despite his aversion to dating. He said this: " As much as I adored my ex fiance as a person and Lived happily with her and found her to be attractive, I just didn't spoil her to romantic dates or feel the inclination to treat her like a princess. I treated her well and paid for the dates we did go on, but the lack of primal attraction on THAT level just didn't generate much romance from my part" He then went on to say " with my current fiance, I am compelled to spoil her to so many things than I ever did my ex...... I just look at her and want to squeeze the crap out of her because I find her so adorable and so sexy at the same time.... I feel so much more intensity in my feelings for my current girl that I cannot help but pamper and spoil her far more than I did my ex who I never had the spark with " Take this as you will. There is a reason why so many men cannot help but act more lukewarm towards the women they have lesser intense feelings for. And yet there are still plenty of men who can still get just as excited about a lesser intense and passionate afrair. My obvservations are extracts from my own life. While MOST men would probably have treated both the low chemistry and high chemistry woman the same, there ARE certain men out there who NEED the great chemistry and romance in order for then to really feel like going all out and spoiling their girls. In that guys case, he is a romantic by nature and a passionate lover with a keen sex drive... He needs loads if intimacy and affection and so mediocre or low chemistry just doesn't cut it for him..... And intense attraction and heady infatuation stages and the euphoric feeling of the love high is what drives him and makes him the most satisfied in his relationships. 3
Gloria25 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 While I am a passionate woman and for the life of me, do not see what some men see in wet napkins with pretty faces...I am still weary of sparks too fast, too soon. I mean, even guys who go for wet napkins may do so cuz they "think" they feel a spark when all they're doing is moving too fast. So, while sparks are cool with me and wet napkins are not - I'm sorta seeking a middle ground...cuz, too fast, too soon more than likely fades. So, we both can have our hearts beating out of our chests - but if he's doing too much too soon, I gotta wonder if he's like this with everyone or if there's something special about "me". 1
Author Yummm Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) Leigh and Gloria, thank you for your honest and really helpful input. That's the thing, i'm really not sure. If you read my previous topics, you'll see how infatuated I was by my 'first love' and how the MUTUAL sparks were there. It was the most satisfying feeling I have ever experienced. It was incredible. I am 22, I would call myself an oldschool romantic. I showered my ex with love, she was a princess to me. I had my heart ripped out my chest so hard that obviously now i'm cautious. It has only been 3 months since my breakup and i'm not sure exactly what I want with regards to the sparks. Gloria's point also hits home. A spark that shines too bright burns out twice as fast... We were so infatuated and 'in love' that as soon as the honeymoon phase wore off, I got kicked to the curb, it was painful.. With this new girl, she has been heartbroken before, as have I, we both feel happy when speaking to eachother and I believe that she is alot more forward than I am, hence why I'm a little skeptical. She's attractive, nice, funny and I enjoy speaking to her, but definitely WON'T be jumping into anything fast as I did with my first relationship. As I haven't been in any serious relationships apart from 1, I have no idea if I would be able to feel and do the same things for someone who I don't have that intense chemistry for. I hope that all of this is just because i'm naturally being more mature and cautious about love since my first heartbreak. As I have said, I enjoy this girls company, want to continue seeing her and spending more time with her. We've been speaking for a while and only had 1 date which went well. We text alot, plan on seeing eachother again this week, so by the looks of things it's all positive. Leigh, I would DEFINITELY like to feel that intense feeling of being in love again in the future, that was honestly one of the most incredible feelings in this world, but was that real love or just infatuation? I don't know.. Once again, thank you for picking my brain on this. Edited August 10, 2015 by Yummm
Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Leigh and Gloria, thank you for your honest and really helpful input. That's the thing, i'm really not sure. If you read my previous topics, you'll see how infatuated I was by my 'first love' and how the MUTUAL sparks were there. It was the most satisfying feeling I have ever experienced. It was incredible. I am 22, I would call myself an oldschool romantic. I showered my ex with love, she was a princess to me. I had my heart ripped out my chest so hard that obviously now i'm cautious. It has only been 3 months since my breakup and i'm not sure exactly what I want with regards to the sparks. Gloria's point also hits home. A spark that shines too bright burns out twice as fast... We were so infatuated and 'in love' that as soon as the honeymoon phase wore off, I got kicked to the curb, it was painful.. With this new girl, she has been heartbroken before, as have I, we both feel happy when speaking to eachother and I believe that she is alot more forward than I am, hence why I'm a little skeptical. She's attractive, nice, funny and I enjoy speaking to her, but definitely WON'T be jumping into anything fast as I did with my first relationship. As I haven't been in any serious relationships apart from 1, I have no idea if I would be able to feel and do the same things for someone who I don't have that intense chemistry for. I hope that all of this is just because i'm naturally being more mature and cautious about love since my first heartbreak. As I have said, I enjoy this girls company, want to continue seeing her and spending more time with her. We've been speaking for a while and only had 1 date which went well. We text alot, plan on seeing eachother again this week, so by the looks of things it's all positive. Leigh, I would DEFINITELY like to feel that intense feeling of being in love again in the future, that was honestly one of the most incredible feelings in this world, but was that real love or just infatuation? I don't know.. Once again, thank you for picking my brain on this. Sometimes infatuation leads to true and lasting love. Usually it does not. Personally I need to go through the infatuation period of the instant sparks and electric chemistry. I prefer the euphoric high as opposed to make watered down feelings. Although infatuation doesn't last, I sure love the feeling of sparks and electric chemistry. The giddy with excitement feeling. The intense degree of emotions you feel. I don't want to enter into my last relationship on earth and have to bypass that phase. I would actually rather remain single and feel alive. I would rather fall head over heels a few more times on shorter term relationships that may not last long term than to ever settle for a more lukewarm relationship that may last forever yet lacks limerence and the glorious head over heels stuff. 1
Author Yummm Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 That's actually quite sad to read because those feelings you describe is exactly what I felt with my first relationship and I wonder if I will ever feel like that again with somebody else.. Nevertheless thank you for your input. As I am inexperienced, I will attempt to go on a few more dates with this lovely girl and see if anything grows, if not, i'll do the right thing and move on.
MissBee Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 No there doesn't need to be. If you liked her, had fun, it wasn't awkward, and you want to see her again, I'd definitely go out again. Not all lasting or good relationships have to start with a big spark. Conversely, in my experience I have experienced instant spark, chemistry, fireworks with several men and it ended up not turning into anything serious or sustainable...so I know that while it feels great, the spark can come from a variety of things, none of which mean it's going to last. So see her again!
Rejected Rosebud Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 IMO everybody who wants to find true love needs to stop worrying about BIG SPARKS as long as they are drawn to a person enough to truly want to see them more! If you don't, though, just forget it! Nobody knows how love grows, it's a big mystery, if you have many preconceived notions from movies, Walt Disney, porn or whatever you are likely going to be standing alone fantasizing while other people are open to maybe something happening in a way they weren't expecting! :bunny:
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'm in the immediate sparks camp. I also think you can fall for pretty much anyone if you give it enough time, provided they tick all your other boxes. I personally can't wait and see, it has to be all there or I go for friendship. If I feel I have to convince myself or doubl check the attraction can potentially grow overtime, something is amiss. That's bases on personal opinion / experience and the idea that I don't to settle or waste ppl's time on the basis that they're lovely. Ultimately, you need to find what works for you 1
wb1988 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Initial sparks are overrated, unless you're some sort of 'spark-chaser' I've only dated 1 girl that gave me that immediate spark, and she was the worst gf I ever had and ruined like a year of my life. I found out the guy before and after me had a similar experience with her as well. The best gf I ever had (of course I messed it up) was with a girl that I initially had very little spark despite her attractiveness. Eventually after a month she did so many cute things that I fell for her. To answer your question, no there doesn't need to be a spark. 1
No_Go Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Depends what you're looking for. If you're looking for committed relationship/marriage/family soon, sparks get low on the list. You should look for compatibility and common life goals, getting along and sufficient sexual appeal. If you are not pressured with the above (e.g. if you're teen or in your early 20s, or older with grown up kids, any situation in which you're not in a rush for a partner), I wouldn't go for her. You may learn to love her, be comfortable with her etc, but you'll miss the fun of the big fireworks...and maybe your true love. Hi all, advice is much appreciated as i'm a inexperienced in this field. So I've been speaking to a lovely girl for a while and we finally met up today. It was lovely, we got on, laughed, spoke, chilled and had lunch. I enjoyed her company, she looks great and had no awkwardness. What I'm asking is does there need to be some big spark to move things forward? There wasn't for me unfortunately.. I want to see her again, feel like I could build feelings by dating her, but I guess i'm comparing her to the feelings of my ex where when I first laid eyes on her I wanted to get to know her and be with her... The feelings aren't like that for this one - does that mean something is wrong? I may sound naive and I am but mature advice would be appreciated. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 If you are a big spark person, you will always find something missing with the current girl. It's not about what other people believe in, it's about what YOU believe in. 3
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