Slickdev Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) Hello, I am new to this forum and came here in the hopes of finding some advice. A brief explanation of my circumstances to get everyone up to speed. I am a combat veteran, served 12 years in the Army in 2003 I was diagnosed with PTSD and dumped to the curb. Its an everyday struggle I assure you. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. We have two beautiful kids together. it was a rough 9 years dealing with the PTSD but we worked at it, she did most of the work. I struggled. Recently She started a new job and I found she was texting a co worker, even went out to dinner one night as a "employee gathering" She tells me she really has strong feelings for this guy. month later my job relocates me to another state she tags along. I have asked and begged and pleaded for her to stop texting and calling the guy in which case she lies to me about it because I have caught her. But last night she told me she wants a break because she's tired, tired of the stress tired of how I made her feel while I dealt with the PTSD, just tired and burned out. And yes I saw where she was talking about getting to know the guy better. She still wants to live together but wants her space, when I asked her about rules the only rule we have is no cuddling/holding that type of stuff but yet we can sleep in the same bed?? I should also note I recently had a gigantic break thru with my Ptsd and I am 100% better. I have been able to open up to her emotionally, physically and turn my life around. So I don't understand why now and I don't understand the rules?? DO I really stay and wait to see what comes next? she doesn't want to break up only get some space?. She is my whole world and without her I would have never been able to get a grip on this mess of my life. Sorry for the long post but any help on what to do would be appreciated. Edited August 9, 2015 by Slickdev
Poppyolive Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I'm happy you've had a break through in terms of your own health a d well being. I'm sorry she's putting you through some pain. Here's what I see, she has disregarded your boundaries of no contact with this other man. Therefore lacks respect for you, your family and your relationship. I understand she can feel burnt out, but I think she maybe using that as a blame/excuse to persue this other man. As well as that, her wanting a break is so she can test the waters with the other man and have you as back up. I wouldn't settle for a "break" You need to stand firmer on your boundaries, all or nothing. I think you are ignoring a lot of redflags for your own well being. You'll get great advice here 3
CarrieT Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 No "break." She wants to put you on the back burner while she "experiments" with this new guy to see if it works out. All the while, keeping you on hold... "Just in case." Don't let her. Kick her out. 5
mrldii Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Sorry to sound harsh (and sorry for what you've gone through and are going through...and thank you for your service), but I agree with CarrieT. Somebody wants a break from me, they get a break from me...my complete and utter absence. No sharing the bills, no free babysitting (while they see the other person), no sharing of housecleaning duties, NOthing. THAT is life without me. Also, I am really bothered by the 'we can sleep in the same bed, but no touching/cuddling/(and obviously sex)'-thingy. Seems like she's more willing to keep an alluded-to or actual promise of sexual/intimacy fidelity with the OM, all the while ignoring the real and actual promise shared with you in your shared 9-year relationship. That's just being plain damned sh*tty. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Sorry to be painfully blunt, but it's over. She's interested in other guys & just wants to keep you around for whatever reason. Don't accept that crap or play her games. Dump her & go NC other then child care issues. As hard as it is, you need to face facts & move on. Get away from her & work her outta your system. Don't let her back, if she tries. Find someone who believes in a healthy monogamous relationship. You don't deserve abuse & games. 2
Qboro90 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I don't think you need to be as harsh towards her as some of the other replies suggest. After all, this woman stuck by you through all your struggles and made a ton of effort to help you get better and function over a very long period of time. So kicking her to the curb might not be what is immediately needed. She probably became a bit "burnt out" over the course of almost a decade and dealing with you and your struggles. That's only natural and honestly not too surprising. The other man she is "friends" with and likes to talk to probably offered her an escape of some sort from the issues going on at home with you. I'm sure she still cares about you hence why she doesn't want to stop sharing a bed with you however you should really have a brutally honest conversation with her. Explain how thankful you are and appreciative for everything she did to try and support you in your PTSD battle. It's finally starting to get to the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak where you can live your life as you always hoped and be yourself again. Something you might have lost if it wasn't for her. Now with that being said you should also express to her how the roller coaster of emotions you'll be forced to go through during her "needing space" period is worrying you that it might cause you to have a set back after all this progress was made. That's not you saying it as a needy BF either. Just explain that you don't want to get into an argument but you've had plenty of discussions/arguments about this other man she speaks with. You can't help but think that while she is having her "space" that this man will fill a lot of that and while your madly in love with her you think that it's unfair of her to ask you to share the same bed and have these "no touching/cuddling/etc" rules in place. That's just going to be incredibly difficult on the both of you and does she really want to sleep next to someone while she's exploring her own self and possibly dating. You don't want to lose her but the living situation and partnership rules she's put in place just aren't plausable or realistic for you. For either of you actually. Understand that she has been through a lot with you and you get that she might need to discover what she wants for the rest of her life. Know that she might not choose you as that answer. Suggest that if she really needs space then separating or living separately would be the situation that allowed her to truly gauge what she wants going forward. It might make her realize that she truly does love and need you in her life or she might see that she's exhausted from the last 9 years and wants to give this other guy a legit shot in order to be fair to her own needs. She seems to have done a lot for you. If you really care about her you will sacrifice this and risk losing her in order for her to achieve her own happiness.
Satu Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Do NOT agree to this 'break.' It is totally unfair to ask it of you. She should either stay as your commited partner, or go. 2
Author Slickdev Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Well had a long talk this morning. Tried it Qboro90 way. Not much changed wants me to stay. Sleep in another room. Swears its not about the guy that she really just needs space, so I don't know where everything really stands. One minute I'm picking up one signal and another minute its the opposite.
Satu Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Well had a long talk this morning. Tried it Qboro90 way. Not much changed wants me to stay. Sleep in another room. Swears its not about the guy that she really just needs space, so I don't know where everything really stands. One minute I'm picking up one signal and another minute its the opposite. She's not being fair with you. Whichever way you look at it, thats a fact. What about what you need? Thats just as important. 1
Author Slickdev Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 I think that's where I get lost at , my wants. PTSD ruined me. I am finally back to where I feel like myself again yet I don't see where I should be in a place to demand anything after enduring what she did. Then there's our kids. But I also can't stand this hurt. She has broken my heart and I still have to look out for my well being if for no one else then I have to for the kids.
Phoenixashes Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Please don't feel that "well, she stayed with me through my problems" gives her a pass to disrespect you. If it was truly just space to consider the relationship? Ok, and even then... But she's clearly...clearly testing the waters with this new guy and wants you as a "just in case" it doesn't work out deal. Nothing any mate has done for you should put you in a position to sit around while they try out someone else to take your place. 1
Author Slickdev Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 You're right. Best to end it now go NC except for the kid's and go from there, I guess. Before the hurt gets worse and dragged on. 2
Chi townD Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 To me, it sounds like someone is coming out for a visit. That's probably why she wanted a "break". He comes out, she dates him for the time that he's here (possibly even sleep with him) guilt free! Because, technically you're on a break! And you can't get mad at what she does because you're not officially together! Don't you love technicalities. I mean, I could be wrong. But, you can easily find out if this is the case. Just don't ask her about it. Go to Best buy or Walmart and get a couple of voice activated recorders (VAR). Hide one in the house in a room where she does most of her talking on the phone. And then, go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro and secure other VAR under the drivers seat of her car. Cheaters do most of their talking while in the car. If he's coming to town, they're going to make plans. You can find out if you're getting played or not. 2
Phoenixashes Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. Thank you for your service. I pray your recovery continues. As for your ex...easier said than done but similar stories have been written on our pages ...good luck.
crederer Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 No "break." She wants to put you on the back burner while she "experiments" with this new guy to see if it works out. All the while, keeping you on hold... "Just in case." Don't let her. Kick her out. This is what I was going to say.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Your best bet is this. Let her know that either she's in it with you or out and there is no middle ground. Once you do that then you lost. Not to mention that I know it will play hell with you losing her but it will be much worse having her around you knowing that to her your best isn't good enough. You don't deserve that and shouldn't have to put up with it either.
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