robmeister1190 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Hi, this is my first post on this site. I've been meaning to join for sometime now and finally just did it. Onto the goods: The whole "person disappearing after a great first date" problem is something that's common in the dating world, and I would like some perspective on it in regards to my experiences. I've had no success on the dating front this year (almost three years to be exact), and a problem I've run into a couple of times this year is having the girl I had a great first date with just up and disappear. I'll start with the first girl (Girl A) I saw earlier this year who pulled the disappearing act. We started talking online (eHarmony) back in late February and hit it off well. We both had similar interests and she thought it was really cool that I play drums and like the same kind of music she does. I asked her out after we exchanged a couple of messages and she agreed to meet up. There was a good line of communication leading up to the first date. I meet up with Girl A in early March and we had a great first date. We had dinner, talked, and there was a good vibe all around. I could tell she was comfortable and was having fun because of her body language and she laughed & smiled at a lot. At the end of the date, we exchanged a hug and went our separate ways. Both of us were in agreement to meet up again soon for a second date. A statement she maid then that stood out to me was: "Talk to you later?", which I figured was a great indicator that I had caught her interest and that she really wanted to see me again. The next morning, I texted Girl A to touch base, told her I had a great time. I got a warm response and later in the week, we made plans to go to a museum for our second date the following week. A day before we're supposed to go on the second date, she messaged me saying she would not be able to go to the museum that day because she'll be working later than she anticipated, but suggested we could do something else. I suggested we see a movie instead and she was down for that, so we worked out a time & movie that would work for the both of us. The day of the date comes and everything seemed to be going ahead as planned, but two hours before we're supposed to meet, she texts me apologizing and saying she'll have to rain check because she's stuck working really late. I anticipated it and wasn't upset and asked her if a night the following week would work? Unfortunately, that was the last I would ever hear from her. After not getting a response to my first message, I sent a brief second message, simply asking how she was doing three days later. I got no response to that message either and a week after sending that message, I sent one last brief message, again just asking how she was doing. After my third message went unanswered, I moved on. It was frustrating and disheartening that Girl A just up and disappeared like that after showing a lot of initial interest. I wasn't being pushy or doing anything that would've drove her away either, she just disappeared with no rhyme or reason. More recently, I ran into this problem again with another girl (Girl B). We started talking online (eHarmony, again), and hit it off well. I asked her out and we agreed to meet up for drinks. Like with Girl A, I felt a good vibe with Girl B. She was more quirky, but I'm attracted to quirky, so no problem for this guy! The date went well and we parted ways and suggested meeting up again. Also, said the exact same thing Girl A said to me on our date: "Talk to you later?". Again, I thought this indicated that she was interested. I sent her a brief message the following day to touch base and tell her I had a great time. I got no response to that message and I waited three days to message her again. In the second message, I just asked how her week was going and no response to that message either. Like with Girl A, it seems Girl B also pulled the disappearing act. :-/ Again, it was quite frustrating and I just can't make sense of it. As I previously stated, I'm not a pushy or a clingy guy. I also keep my expectations realistic and don't expect to be instantly gratified or anything. I'm just confused as to why things happened the way they did with these two girls. Is it more than likely something to do with them than with me?
Waynester Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Unfortunately as you say, this is an all to common thing with online dating. I have only recently met someone really great after 18 months of dating. It's hard work that's for sure. It's like Snakes & Ladders, you make progress..only to come sliding down to the beginning again! My take is that with some girls, there is to much choice and they are forever holding out for Mr Perfect. It may be that they like you, but in their minds they think I won't settle yet..I'm sure I can still find better. So they disappear. Or the other reason of course is, they weren't completely honest with the date. They say one thing, but are thinking something completely different, I.e. 'Nah, not interested in this guy' but I'm not brave enough to be honest. It just seems to be easier to walk away from the date saying 'I had a great time, let's do it again'..rather than 'sorry, didn't fancy you' It's a minefield, but the good news, the positive part is that you are getting dates, so there's nothing inherently wrong with your profile..or you. It just takes time. It's a numbers game, the longer you date, the more dates you have..eventually you will click with someone! Sorry I can't help much more than that. Just keep going, the girl you're meant to be with is still out there. 1
mortensorchid Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 This is the world of online dating. My rule is that if I have not heard from the man within 24-48 hours of the first meeting, I will not hear from him again. In 10% of cases I may hear from him a week or so later, I might even have a 2nd get together with that person, but after that I will never hear from them again. I don't think that makes any difference if you have met them online or otherwise anymore. You did the right things by contacting them the day after the meeting if you were interested in them. As for their drifting? Well, that happens as well whether you are a man or a woman. Just keep trying no matter what happens. 1
katiegrl Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Unfortunately as you say, this is an all to common thing with online dating. I have only recently met someone really great after 18 months of dating. It's hard work that's for sure. It's like Snakes & Ladders, you make progress..only to come sliding down to the beginning again! My take is that with some girls, there is to much choice and they are forever holding out for Mr Perfect. It may be that they like you, but in their minds they think I won't settle yet..I'm sure I can still find better. So they disappear. Or the other reason of course is, they weren't completely honest with the date. They say one thing, but are thinking something completely different, I.e. 'Nah, not interested in this guy' but I'm not brave enough to be honest. It just seems to be easier to walk away from the date saying 'I had a great time, let's do it again'..rather than 'sorry, didn't fancy you' It's a minefield, but the good news, the positive part is that you are getting dates, so there's nothing inherently wrong with your profile..or you. It just takes time. It's a numbers game, the longer you date, the more dates you have..eventually you will click with someone! Sorry I can't help much more than that. Just keep going, the girl you're meant to be with is still out there. ^^This was great advice. I read a story (true story) about a man who went out on 80 -- 80!! - dates before meeting a woman he liked who liked him back and actually stuck around! He married her a year later. Waynester is right ......it's a total numbers game. Try not to let it get you down and become bitter! Women will sense that making the whole process even more difficult. Hang in there and good luck! 2
organizedchaos Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 OP, this is all too common. Don't sweat it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/540945-no-contact-day-after-first-date 1
SugarLips72 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Women like to know you are interested. You did the right thing and its not just you. Dating sucks and its hard. I've been divorced 3 years and its hit or miss. I have been on so many 1st dates its not even funny. A few times I make it to a second. Rarely a 3rd. I either decide the guy is not for me, or I'm not the woman for them. It's not just you. 1
oberkeat Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I've been on more one-and-done dates through online dating than I can remember. I did it on and off for two years. Finally, after three flakey women in a row, I threw up my hands and deleted my profile. I continue to believe it's not a good way for men to meet high quality women, and a waste of time.
Author robmeister1190 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Unfortunately as you say, this is an all to common thing with online dating. I have only recently met someone really great after 18 months of dating. It's hard work that's for sure. It's like Snakes & Ladders, you make progress..only to come sliding down to the beginning again! Perfect analogy! It's a struggle, that's for sure. My take is that with some girls, there is to much choice and they are forever holding out for Mr Perfect. It may be that they like you, but in their minds they think I won't settle yet..I'm sure I can still find better. So they disappear. I can understand that in a way, and from a guy's perspective, very frustrating. Girls shouldn't settle for less, but they should keep their expectations realistic too. It's like looking to buy a house, more often than not you're not going to decide the very first house you look at is the one you're going to buy, but you shouldn't pass over several other good homes that had potential for the "perfect" home that you might never find. Sorry if it's not the best analogy, but I think it gets my point across. Guys are also guilty of this too, so both genders run into this problem. Or the other reason of course is, they weren't completely honest with the date. They say one thing, but are thinking something completely different, I.e. 'Nah, not interested in this guy' but I'm not brave enough to be honest. It just seems to be easier to walk away from the date saying 'I had a great time, let's do it again'..rather than 'sorry, didn't fancy you' Yeah, honesty is really lacking in the world of dating anymore, especially online dating. It's definitely hard to be upfront and honest with a date you're just not feeling it with because you're afraid of hurting their feelings or their unpredictable reaction. A lot of guys don't handle rejection well now it seems like, which makes girls prefer to go silent as opposed to rejecting them and receiving a lot of harsh insults and threats. It sucks for guys like me who aren't like that, we get thrown into the same group. Rejection hurts no matter what and reactions will differ. Some also don't think the other is even "owed" a brief message of rejection if they only had one date. I personally disagree with that mindset, although I understand them not wanting to put up with the hassle at the same time. I for one prefer a straight up honest rejection as opposed to a girl going silent and disappearing, but as I've come to learn this year and previous years, you won't always get that closure. Best thing you can do is not be too hard on yourself and move on. It's a minefield, but the good news, the positive part is that you are getting dates, so there's nothing inherently wrong with your profile..or you. It just takes time. It's a numbers game, the longer you date, the more dates you have..eventually you will click with someone! Sorry I can't help much more than that. Just keep going, the girl you're meant to be with is still out there. It sucks how it's a numbers game anymore, but no way around it. It might take several more years, but if I keep at it, I'm sure I'll find a girl I click with eventually. Also, your reply was very insightful and encouraging. Thank you!
Author robmeister1190 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 ^^This was great advice. I read a story (true story) about a man who went out on 80 -- 80!! - dates before meeting a woman he liked who liked him back and actually stuck around! He married her a year later. Waynester is right ......it's a total numbers game. Try not to let it get you down and become bitter! Women will sense that making the whole process even more difficult. Hang in there and good luck! 80 dates, huh? That's insane! I give that man props for the endurance and putting himself out there for so long. It goes to show that hard work does pay off eventually. I admit I have become bitter before from previous negative experiences, but now I tend to shrug them off more and look forward. And thank you!
Toodaloo Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Women get this too. I guess I have been on around 20- 30 dates in the past 6-8 months. Some I know can fit in more but I find it exhausting. The vast majority will not go past date 1 regardless of whether they say they want to see you again. Ignore what people say, watch what people do. If you find yourself getting into a pickle about something that really is very silly and not worth the time or worry then take a break and go and do things that make you happy. OLD is tough, very tough. You need the hide of a rhino to get through it. Also don't forget to talk to and ask out women you meet day to day. It is very easy to become bitter... Just make sure you recognise the warning signs and deal with it. 1
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