underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 There is no contact between WH and MW. There is no contact between me and BH. There has not been another incident. The first year was a huge mix of ups and downs. Great sex between FWH and I. Mixed emotions about myself and my value to the marriage. Three years out...he coachs youth fall ball, youth arena and semi pro all while maintaining a full time job. I work "part time", that means full time hours during the day. I chose the job for the daytime hours, which meant more time with my husband and kids. It is super stressful, but mentally rewarding. I love my job. What I cannot stand is how lonely I have become. When it was asked that he help coach semi pro, I stated that it was not a good plan. He did it anyway. Now I spend a majority of my night alone with 4 yr old and once in awhile the oldest 16. Which lets face it the 16 yr old spends more time in her room than with me. Saturday nights suck and Sundays are filled with grocery shopping and cleaning. To say the least, I am bored and feel that he chose football over me. I miss him!!! I miss us!!! I get that boredom led to his past affair. I get that he likes to stay busy. But I feel that I am not enough for him. I know that he loves me. He does his best to show me. I know the little things mean a lot. I just wonder if he wants and needs me as much as I want and need him. I look at my job is a security blanket in case anything where to ever happen again. I will not stay for a second shaming. I want to make sure that I can provide for my kids without him. I want to feel that I valuable to someone. 17 yrs of marriage, three kids and an affair. That is what 37 yrs has brought me. And by the way...I would still beat the crap out of MOW if I passed her today. For me, my kids, her husband and their kids. I still hate her with every fiber of my being. Enough said.
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Are you still just as angry with your husband? How much time do you typically spend with him?
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 We not hire a sitter and join your husband. Ask him to choose 1 coaching job. Take one of those nights for just the two of you. Or look into outside fun activities for yourself? I do not think it is unreasonable to ask that your husband put the US relationship higher on his radar. 3
Author underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Are you still just as angry with your husband? How much time do you typically spend with him? The anger towards him has long ago faded about the affair. But then again, I know that he had to face the music. Still just unsure about myself with him. Not with other people. I know that I could have someone if I snapped my fingers, but I don't want them. I want him. I get about an 1 hr per night. And about a day on Sundays. I just need to find some else to occupy my time. Some new interest.
Author underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 We not hire a sitter and join your husband. Ask him to choose 1 coaching job. Take one of those nights for just the two of you. Or look into outside fun activities for yourself? I do not think it is unreasonable to ask that your husband put the US relationship higher on his radar. We are paycheck to paycheck for now. We cannot afford a sitter. I use the 16 yr old once in awhile, but I don't feel it is fair to burden her. I plan on asking him to chose once the fall season and semi pro ends. I am fine with him coaching one or the other, but not both. Just thought I would give a little perspective as to where one might stand three yrs out. And venting.
Confused48 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Have you thought about doing the 180? Not as a ploy but as a lifestyle. You sound like you are in a good position to do that. Think about it. You might end up with someone far better suited to you than your fWH. Or your fWH might become more suited to you than he is right now. Either way, you win.
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Nothing outside of your marriage will make your marriage more fulfilling which is what you say you want. Does your husband not miss the intimacy? An hour a day doesn't seem like very much time. You have to stop settling for so little while hoping for so much more. How does he respond when you bring it up? 2
Author underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Have you thought about doing the 180? Not as a ploy but as a lifestyle. You sound like you are in a good position to do that. Think about it. You might end up with someone far better suited to you than your fWH. Or your fWH might become more suited to you than he is right now. Either way, you win. The 180 works just enough to interest them. It turns you upside down and makes you become someone you are not. Besides, why should I change who I am just because some one else lacks the morals and decency to stay loyal to one person. I am waiting another year then going back to coaching cheer (with my 4 yr old) and working my job. That should stop the boredom I am feeling and give myself a better feeling of value. Plus more time with my kids. And to be quite honest, I don't want to end up with someone else. If it was to be over between us then fine. I don't need the extra drama and distraction from kids another "man" might bring.
Author underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Nothing outside of your marriage will make your marriage more fulfilling which is what you say you want. Does your husband not miss the intimacy? An hour a day doesn't seem like very much time. You have to stop settling for so little while hoping for so much more. How does he respond when you bring it up? He misses the sex, I think. Hard for me to be turned on when there is nothing outside of the bed. I don't bring it up much. It is a little point less right now. My goal is to hit him with the choice when semi pro ends. In the meantime, I will focus on my kids and job.
Confused48 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 If you feel the 180 is making you become someone you are not, then you are not doing it right. You are not getting into the spirit of it. The 180 might end up with you being with another man. But that is not certain and not the point. The 180 will certainly result in you no longer waiting for your WH to come home and spend time with you. Study it. Apply it. If it feels good to you. Try it and see. Really try it. Not pretend. Pretending to do the 180 results in becoming someone you are not. Really doing the 180 works wonders. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 It seems like he's doing what he wants , on the nights he doesn't coach, you need to have him watch the 4 year old and do something for yourself. I don't think it's ever a good idea for your life to totally revolve around a man, especially one who has cheated on you. He has time with you, the family and time alone. Yet your time is with him and the family. No time for you alone. He has one clear day for coaching, then you need to get a day that he commits to watch the 4 year old, so that you can make plans. It doesn't mean you'll go out every week, but the point is he makes that commitment, the same way you do on coaching nights. You know that you have a 'night off' every week. Early in my marriage, I decided that I would continue my girlie weekends and having nights out, even when kids came along. I refused to be chained to the kids preventing me from being my own person or getting out of our home without them. My H had his time to go out as well .
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 When you say your husband had his affair out of "boredom," I think you've embraced a superficial answer. Your H had an affair because he was a broken person - one that was too broken to make the logical, ethical, and healthy choice that was within his personal standards. By accepting that he cheated out of boredom, you're now driven to make sure he doesn't get bored again and so you've compromised some personal boundaries that you shouldn't have. By letting him coach to his heart's content, you're losing the emotional connection between you (which probably should have been the paramount priority) and you've relegated yourself to a lonely existence. It sounds like you're ready to take steps to reclaim some of what you gave up. Good. I think part of it is also shedding this notion that he cheated out of boredom. Boredom doesn't cause cheating. What causes cheating is the wayward's decision to cheat. Stop trying to solve his boredom problems and focus on your emotional connection, which happens by virtue of spending more time together, not less. You don't deserve to have gone thru this only to have a crappy marriage at the end of it. Do not accept that. Just my $.02 6
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 He misses the sex, I think. Hard for me to be turned on when there is nothing outside of the bed. I don't bring it up much. It is a little point less right now. My goal is to hit him with the choice when semi pro ends. In the meantime, I will focus on my kids and job. What would a more successful life with your H look like? What kinds of things would you like to do together? Mr. Lucky 1
World's.Edge Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I get that boredom led to his past affair There's an oversimplification if I've ever read one. The 180 works just enough to interest them. It turns you upside down and makes you become someone you are not. Besides, why should I change who I am just because some one else lacks the morals and decency to stay loyal to one person. That's not what The 180 is for. I agree with the following. If you feel the 180 is making you become someone you are not, then you are not doing it right. You are not getting into the spirit of it. The 180 might end up with you being with another man. But that is not certain and not the point. The 180 will certainly result in you no longer waiting for your WH to come home and spend time with you. Study it. Apply it. If it feels good to you. Try it and see. Really try it. Not pretend. Pretending to do the 180 results in becoming someone you are not. Really doing the 180 works wonders.
Clay Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 You don't have to go out to enjoy time with each other. You can do things at home and still keep the kids occupied. There is no doubt that there are some sacrifices to that but you do what you can to make the best of it. On a different note instead of just watching him go out and live his life doing what he wants to do what are you doing for yourself? Why not find times to where you can go do things too. It shouldn't just be you at home waiting for him. In my mind relationships are 50/50 and with the fact he has had a affair he is the one that should be doing what he can to make things better instead of out doing his own thing. Yes even three years out. C
autumnnight Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 You want to be closer to your husband and spend more time on your marriage, but he is gone all the time. You finding reasons to be gone all the time is not going to accomplish the goal. I'm really not understanding the philosophy of detaching from your husband and finding your own thing while he does his own thing so you want need/want him as much...isn't that the OPPOSITE of becoming more intimate? I get those whole "sports are fun" thing, but your marriage needs to be a priority, especially after he torpedoed it 3 years ago. Sounds like he needs a priority check. Two people legally bound but living as single isn't my idea of a marriage, and it doesn't sound like it's yours either. 1
Author underwater2010 Posted August 30, 2015 Author Posted August 30, 2015 When you say your husband had his affair out of "boredom," I think you've embraced a superficial answer. Your H had an affair because he was a broken person - one that was too broken to make the logical, ethical, and healthy choice that was within his personal standards. By accepting that he cheated out of boredom, you're now driven to make sure he doesn't get bored again and so you've compromised some personal boundaries that you shouldn't have. By letting him coach to his heart's content, you're losing the emotional connection between you (which probably should have been the paramount priority) and you've relegated yourself to a lonely existence. It sounds like you're ready to take steps to reclaim some of what you gave up. Good. I think part of it is also shedding this notion that he cheated out of boredom. Boredom doesn't cause cheating. What causes cheating is the wayward's decision to cheat. Stop trying to solve his boredom problems and focus on your emotional connection, which happens by virtue of spending more time together, not less. You don't deserve to have gone thru this only to have a crappy marriage at the end of it. Do not accept that. Just my $.02 I accept your $.02 and raise you a dollar. It may be superficial, but yes boredom was a HUGE part of the affair. Along with an ego stroke for an overweight, struggling man. Mix that with anger, and an affair you get. And you are right I don't deserve a crappy marriage as a result. The line has been drawn since this post. He has definitely bitten off more than he can chew. I have made clear my disappointment in the marriage regarding the lack of time together. In the meantime, I am working on my career and myself. He can either keep up or get left behind.
jnel921 Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 Underwater, its almost 3 years since D-Day for me too. It's coincidental that I am reading what you wrote and have experienced almost the same thing not too long ago. But I have to say that as soon as I felt as you did I had to have a serious talk with my H. Loneliness is terrible, especially when you have kids at home. My kids are older 19 and 18 so they are never around and have their own lives. My husband plays a lot of golf, when he is home he plays video games, watches baseball, football, ESPN, Sports Center and all things sports related. Even on car rides the radio is on sports talk. Just like you we have minimal time together as I work during the week and he works nights. His days off are Sunday and Monday. So the only time we have together is Sunday. He was making tee times and doing other things on that day! It got to a point where I was like WTF?! So one day a few weeks back I asked him to go on a hike with me. This meant he had to give me his full attention and we would be completely alone. During our walk we took a break. This was my time to explain how I was feeling. Thankful that we R and made it this far after his A. However I told him that I felt alone. His attention in the past was on another woman. Now I feel its everything else. I told him how i needed him to spend time with me. Quality time and how I needed to feel from him that this is what he wanted to do as well and not feel forced. I cried twice during this conversation. I let him know that if it continued like this that once the kids were gone that I would be too. I don't want to feel like I am a roommate and at 47 I still feel beautiful and deserve the love and attention from someone that sincerely wants to give it. He listened and was apologetic. So he now does most of those thing when I am at work and doesn't golf when we are home together. We have made time to go away and have had made great memories. I am glad that we had that talk. When you recognize those feelings its a warning. Unfortunately for WS this would be a justification to run out there and have an A. But I love my H and want to see our M work. So I do the work and expect him to do the same if he truly wants to be with me. I hope things get better for you. Sometimes you have to put the cards on the tables. Don't think you have to settle for the cards you have been dealt. Good Luck.
Recommended Posts