How can ex gf be happy with someone who offers far less, when she complained about me

[lebowski99]

I don't mean to sound pretentious whatsoever, I'm only speaking sincerely. I know a subject such as this may come off as self assuring and it's natural for someone to undermine an ex's new love interest, however, I really am seeking to understand the psychology behind this...

 

Ok, so my ex girlfriend that I dated for 2 yrs is now dating a new guy. Someone else brought it to my attention, but mentioned that he is far less attractive than me. I found out it's someone I have hung out with before. He seems like a nice guy, but someone that tries really hard to impress people (through social media) and has a very plain personality that lacks anything of substance or much depth--from what I had gathered. And I'm saying this in the most diplomatic way possible. I don't intend to make it seem like I'm speaking ill of this person for biased purposes, but he really does lack any qualities that might stimulate any growth in a person. He has no job, and doesn't seem to have much going for him.. And apparently he has already cheated on my ex. I believe they have been together about 4 months from what I've heard.

 

So anyways, when I was with my ex, she was EXTREMELY jealous. But I NEVER cheated and am extremely loyal. I used to try and mitigate her irrationality as much as possible, and always tried to remind her how much I loved her. I really was absolutely saturated with love for her. I tried to be understanding because I knew she had a rough upbringing, and she knew I had been with some attractive girls before (although she is gorgeous), and she knew I was going to the best University in the state (30 minutes from our hometown).

 

However, she always questioned my love and would start arguments and on several occasions had professed she had fallen out of love with me. I did all I could, but eventually got pushed away and kicked her out of my place once she started lying about things and staying places without telling me where she had been the night before...

 

But I just don't get how she can be happy with someone else, when she took advantage of everything I had offered? I bought her everything she needed, took her to fancy restaurants, provided a home for her, and gave her genuine love. I always attempted to be very open and receptive to her, but she would often close down to communication and be passive aggressive, often times creating resentment. I would even point this out at times and tell her without communication, our relationship was futile.

 

I just felt pushed away after a while and felt suffocated and it made her justify her irrational ways even further.

 

But she was someone who I did love beyond measure and she offered so much that I have found hard to find it any other girls--even before her--but she just had issues from her upbringing that I couldn't fix. No matter what she never believed that I really loved her, although it was undeniable in the way I would look at her and hold her and make love to her. It would seriously feel like a spiritual experience sometimes when we had sex. I was seriously completely enthralled by her. She was so deep and could have such profound conversations with me that I felt really connected with her. But throughout the duration of a day, during the hustle and bustle of stuff (whenever we weren't within the silence of a room together and able to dismiss the absurdities that our egos often conjure up), she would allow her deeply embedded insecurities to lash out and cause constant problems. It was never ending and I became suffocated by it. But I just felt like I offered her so much on ever level. I would make her laugh, I would cook for her, I would speak gently to her, I knew how to open up and communicate without putting her down.

 

But she took advantage of all of this. She tried to make me seem weak and even once called me a bitch because I would try to talk to her. However, I'm an alpha male type, but I have confidence. I never make people feel less or inferior, and I always try to uplift others. I have always been a natural leader, but it would hurt to have her make me feel like less of a person for trying to love her more. It eventually closed me off..

 

I'd just like to make sense of this because I don't get how I could offer everything, and she could start lying and doing things behind my back, then be with some guy who has far less to offer. Thanks for your time and consideration.

[Downtown]

I really am seeking to understand the psychology behind this...my ex girlfriend that I dated for 2 yrs is now dating a new guy..... that lacks anything of substance or much depth.

Lebowski, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The strong irrational jealousy, anger issues, inability to believe that you truly love her (i.e., fear of abandonment), and "rough childhood" are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Significantly, if your exGF really is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits, you should have seen -- in the two years you dated her -- more BPD red flags than you've described here. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Lebowski.

[theredpill]

Please don't take offence, you just appear to have let her take charge of the situation and with this type of girl, first sign of trouble they should know it could be over forever and they'll never see or benefit from you again. This is the only way to play with fire, because if you don't... you'll get burnt. This new guy may not have the material wealth or options you have, but he probably puts his foot down and that's what she needs.

 

If money alone kept women interested, every millionaire would be happily married forever - this is clearly not the case.

 

Stop talking to her, get back out there, you're caught up in the eddies of the relationship, she'll be back, but by then you'll be happy with someone else and wonder why you ever questioned yourself

Edited August 9, 2015 by theredpill

[lebowski99]

I appreciate your response Downtown. And I'm somewhat familiar with personality disorders, and I definitely believe she posses some form of one, although there seems to be a lot of gray area between identifying a particular one. and although these issues had arisen, in moments of solace between us, she was able to actually identify the errors of some of her ways and regularly criticized her parents and sisters for exhibiting the exact same characteristics she has whenever she's operating under an unconscious, ego driven mode. I just saw so much underlying potential and thought I could evolve her innately good qualities, but it was too much.

 

And yes, I didn't have time to include all of her antics. But she had done things on occasions such as leaving period blood stains on my sheets at my apartment in my college town for other girls to see, sometimes forcibly leaving hickies on my neck, constantly questioning my love, as well as causing issues with an ex because of unprovoked, paranoid jealousy.

[lebowski99]

No offense taken, the red pill. I can understand how I portrayed myself as someone who allowed her to walk over me, however, I would actually be very assertive, and am normally very dominant during sex, however I know when to incorporate gentleness and love depending on the mood of the moment...

 

But although I would be very understanding, I set definite boundaries, while trying to find a delicate balance between the 2. And as mentioned I did become more closed off and stern. I think I evoked more passion within her when I became more direct and less concerned with her feelings, but then it perpetuated her idea that I didn't love her. It was literally a no win situation...

 

And this guy I had mentioned is a push over from just talking to him. I admit he seemed like a nice guy, but I don't think he's capable of even considering deep, analytical thoughts. He is someone who clearly operates on a very basic level, which may please her on some level to not be challenged. But he's more of a bumbling bafoon, in all honesty.

[theredpill]

You sound like a pretty straight up dude and I've dated similar women, so I kinda get how you feel right now, those relationships are hot & heavy and you really start to think long term. It's almost alien to think she'd give up on something so good, but they do.

 

There's men who do exactly the same thing, leaving a trail of confused women wondering what they did wrong and the answer to that is nothing, perhaps in a similar way to yourself.

 

You'll always twist yourself into a knot trying to work him/her out, that time is better spent on you.

[bubbaganoosh]

In my opinion I think your lucky. The woman would have sooner or later worn you out trying to always prove yourself to her.

 

There's a reason for everything and I think it's the best thing that could happen to you. Go find a woman who can accept you for you and not always bend your ear that you don't love her. It's her problem to work out, not yours.

[Dudearino]

You're a lebowski I'm a lebowski... (Granted you've watched the big lebowski)

 

Just let her be dude. She's gotta learn on her own. Been through some similiar stuff. You can't hold them down. If you somehow you did they'd hold it over your head. I hate to use this analogy... If you truly love them just let them go. You did what you could. You changed what you could. Yadadada. Start looking at it from a view of a parent. (Most) Parents don't hold their kids back. It makes it a little easier just to let them be.

[aloneinaz]

Listen,

 

 

I know it sucks and can be painful when a relationship ends. It's normal to think about it for a couple of months, post break up. You said she's been dating this new guy for 4 months. How long have you been broken up?

 

 

So, with all this, let me ask you, what's holding you up from simply letting go and moving on from her? Why care who/what/why about this exes new guy so many months post break up?

 

 

All I'm trying to point out is you need to make a decision to "accept" that it's over and there's truly no value in continuing to worry about, discuss or rehash this failed relationship months after the fact.

 

 

At the end of the day, focus your time and attention on you and finding you next great love that's hopefully emotionally and mentally healthy.

[lebowski99]

Yea it was definitely the most passionate relationship I have had. I just don't understand how she can be so blind. She would show glimpses of her true self and I absolutely adored it, but then she allows her insecurities to completely overshadow her good qualities. It's like she can recognize and express certain sediments, and then turn around and become a completely different person. She has been doing a lot of questionable things since we split up, and it's completely outside of who she truly is. I don't get how the person I would share intimate, deep moments with can be COMPLETELY different than what she is when she's around everyone else.

 

Her parents have both been in and out of prison, and she had hung out with her mom all of the time leading up to our split, and following our split. And her mom continues to commit crimes and involve my ex in damaging situations. I just don't get how my ex could clearly see things for what they are when she would talk to me, but then portray those same characteristics. Does that side I have seen of her not even exist unless I'm around? Because the person I shared those intimate moments with would be aghast at the things she has done now... It just doesn't make sense and I try not to think about it, but I'm someone who just likes to make sense of everything.

[lebowski99]

bubbaganoosh, it did become exhausting. I did everything possible to convince her of my love, however, without showing signs of desperation or neediness. I value independence immeasurably in a relationship, and she would do everything she could to alienate me from others and to prevent me from having a life outside of her. It's just hard because I felt things with her I hadn't ever before. I was attracted to her immensely. From physical attraction, to intellectual, to certain personality traits, and spiritually. She was literally perfect to me in her times that she was her true self... But I guess that sounds similar to testimonies from people who have also endured failed relationships.

[lebowski99]

aloneinaz, I know it's not very logical for me to be having these thoughts. It's crazy how love can seemingly turn the most sane man crazy.

 

We have been apart about 8 months, but tried to reconcile for about a month about 2 months into the split. She had contacted me about how she missed me and nobody else makes her feel like I do, and eventually I gave into her sporadic texts and decided to try and work it out. I stressed how important open communication was, and I wanted at least the closure to know if it didn't fully work I did everything I could, but of course her feelings became wavering during our reconciliation and I caught her lying again. The first time I talked to her about how we can't have any lies or it won't work, then the second time I cut it off immediately.

 

I can be very understanding, but also very direct and unwavering in my boundaries and beliefs. I will not allow someone I'm with to disrespect me. It's imperative that I have respect for myself and love myself enough to know where to draw certain lines, although it would kill me inside because I wanted to badly to make things work. But having respect for me is non negotiable.

 

And I felt like I had been moving on, although I still think about her at some point every day. It just feels like things are compounded by the lack of stimulation from other females. A pretty face and attractive body doesn't do much for me. I prefer a female that I can actually enjoy beyond a physical level. Someone that I can relate to and someone who can understand my thoughts and perspective. I mean physical attraction is a big part for me, and that's one of the hardest parts about not being with my ex anymore because I find her extremely attractive and I'm not sure if I'll even be able to replace that aspect, but then trying to find a woman who can also match me mentally is tiresome. It took me long enough to even find my ex.

 

I feel like I have to sift through countless women to find one that I'm extremely compatible with on most levels. And I don't go out trying to compare other females to my ex, it's just hard in general. I try not to even focus on a woman either and just do things to evolve my own life, but I like having a woman who is not only my best friend, but one I can satisfy and make feel good, and one I have outrageous sexual chemistry with. I really just love having a female around. The female essence really breathes life into me I feel like. And I'm capable of going out and sustaining a meaningful life without a woman, but I just prefer having a woman. I don't enjoy having multiple females whose presence I hardly appreciate beyond a physical level...

 

Anyways, I guess I have no choice but to continue on anyways. It's just difficult sometimes.

[aloneinaz]

aloneinaz, I know it's not very logical for me to be having these thoughts. It's crazy how love can seemingly turn the most sane man crazy.

 

We have been apart about 8 months, but tried to reconcile for about a month about 2 months into the split.

 

And I felt like I had been moving on, although I still think about her at some point every day. It just feels like things are compounded by the lack of stimulation from other females.

 

I feel like I have to sift through countless women to find one that I'm extremely compatible with on most levels.

 

Anyways, I guess I have no choice but to continue on anyways. It's just difficult sometimes.

 

 

So, it's been 6 months since you've ended then. I'll offer you that what you're doing is absolutely NOT helping you move on. It's only keeping you stuck in not completely accepting it's over. How or why are you still so connected to her that you know all these things about an ex, 6 months after you ended? Pls don't take this the wrong way but you're almost obsessing and stalking what she's up to.

 

 

Moving on from a failed relationship and WANTING to get over it includes have zero contact w/the ex. It also includes not stalking social media, having someone keep you updated on them nor rehashing it and worrying about this person 6 months after it ended. She's not your worry anymore. You can't FIX her. Maybe she does have emotional issues or even BPD tendencies? WHO CARES.. Again, she's not your problem.

 

 

Yes, dating and connecting with someone who rocks your world in all aspects can take time and patience. It's a much better thing to do than considering recycling a failed R/S with someone you were not compatible with the first time. Frustration with dating and spending the time alone while doing it is what causes people to try again w/exes and almost always has disastrous consequences. Just keep reading threads on this site for proof.

 

 

Seriously, if you want to put her out of your mind and life, read the NC thread and apply it do your daily routine.

[Downtown]

And I'm somewhat familiar with personality disorders, and I definitely believe she posses some form of one, although there seems to be a lot of gray area between identifying a particular one.

Lebowski, I suspect there is far less "grey area" between PDs than you imagine. The American psychiatric community is aware that the 10 PDs are too numerous and thus have substantial overlaps. It therefore is in the process of consolidating them into a smaller number of PDs. The committee of experts who revised the latest diagnostic manual (DSM-5) proposed reducing the 10 PDs to only six, which would retain the BPD, NPD, and ASPD categories you are familiar with. By reducing the number of PDs to a more realistic level, the APA will be eliminating most of the "grey area" you apparently find so confusing.

 

Yea it was definitely the most passionate relationship I have had.... She would show glimpses of her true self and I absolutely adored it, but then she allows her insecurities to completely overshadow her good qualities.

If she has strong PD traits as you suspect, the "glimpses" she shows of her insecurities and lack of trust likely are as much a part of her "true self" as are the good qualities you adore. If she has a fractured ego and weak sense of who she is, you would see her changing radically at various times -- depending on what fragment of her personality you are seeing at the moment.

It's like she can recognize and express certain sediments, and then turn around and become a completely different person.

A common complaint of the ex-partners of BPDers (and of NPDers to a lesser extent) is that they felt like they were dating someone who was half-way to having a multiple personality disorder (aka, Dissociative PD). Because BPDers cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, they "split off" the conflicting feeling -- putting it out of touch of their conscious minds. This is why they frequently do "black-white thinking," which is especially evident in how they can flip rapidly from adoring you to devaluing you. And, a few weeks or months later, they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

She has been doing a lot of questionable things since we split up, and it's completely outside of who she truly is. I don't get how the person I would share intimate, deep moments with can be COMPLETELY different than what she is when she's around everyone else.

What you're saying here is a common complaint of ex-partners breaking up with a BPDer. They are amazed that the BPDer is attracted to a totally different type of partner and starts behaving in a way that is so foreign to her usual behavior.

 

With BPDers, this occurs because a BPDer has such a weak ego that she does not know who she really is. She therefore learned, early in childhood, how to emulate the best aspects of another person's personality. Significantly, a BPDer usually doesn't do this to deceive and manipulate. Instead, she does it -- out of necessity -- as a way of being accepted, being loved, fitting in, and acquiring a temporary "identity" and sense of purpose. The result is that BPDers typically are comfortable around a wide variety of people and tend to exhibit the behavior of the group they are around at the moment.

 

I just don't get how my ex could clearly see things for what they are when she would talk to me, but then portray those same characteristics. Does that side I have seen of her not even exist unless I'm around?

If she has strong BPD traits, she likely gets "moments of clarity" occasionally. My BPDer exW, for example, was capable of seeing many of her issues very clearly when she was terribly frightened I would abandon her. That happened perhaps five times in 15 years with her. It lasted about two days and then was gone.

 

Because BPDers have little ability to regulate their own emotions, they get intense feeling very frequently. These strong feelings distort their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Indeed, to a lesser extent, this distortion in perception occurs to ALL of us whenever we experience intense feelings, e.g., anger or infatuation. During those times, things that were crystal clear when we were cooled down are suddenly very distorted.

 

Because the person I shared those intimate moments with would be aghast at the things she has done now... It just doesn't make sense and I try not to think about it, but I'm someone who just likes to make sense of everything.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, the young woman you shared intimate moments with was a person who -- not knowing who she really is -- mirrored the very best features of your own personality. A BPDer will do this so perfectly that you BOTH will be absolutely convinced that you've met your "soul mate." If you would like to read more about this, Lebowski, I suggest that you follow the two links I provided above in my first post.

[GammaLeonis]

Take a look at the things she may blame you for.

 

Chances are, those are the exact things she's done to you. I know my ex accused me of three things that made us fail before I straightened the record.

 

The irony was, I was certain that those were things that she's done to me in the entire relationship.

 

I thought she couldn't have time to study me out and mirror me until I realized that I've been talking to her on and off as early as 4 months before we started dating back in Dec. 2014. Everything was peachy until this May. Then, a two-month breakup, and we got back together for about 3 weeks before she snapped again.

[lebowski99]

Downtown. it's interesting because she says since she's a gemini, that's her reason for having split a semblance of split personalities and that's why she has trouble being consistent in how she is.

 

I read your links as well, and a lot of it resonates. She always had played the victim, she was extremely jealous, and she would talk poorly about my family and friends often. I guess I just became too infatuated with the good aspects. And the physical aspect was amazing. I appreciate all of the time you have taken to help me get some clarification on all of this...

 

And it's crazy to me how she could do something so absurd to start a fight, but then would turn it around and make it seem like it was my fault. It would really make me question myself sometimes. I would actually start wondering if things really were my fault.

[lebowski99]

Aloneinaz, I had a mild bit of regression the past couple days. It's just a culmination of things. I have requested to anyone I speak to that they never mention my ex to me, but someone I normally don't speak with happened to bring that information up to me the other day. On top of that, I just know it's going to be a very long time before I have any serious feelings for someone else again. I get tired quickly of most females and it's exhaustive even trying to interact with them and get to know them when 99% it's ultimately a waste of time...

 

Also, she has always been the one to reach out to me. I have been the one to make the clean breaks and cut communication. I gave in that one instance, but not sense. And for months after our final split, I have ignored her attempts to reach out to me. I had to block her on social media as well because of her messaging me and trying to add me on 2 different sites. Her pride must of taken over the past couple of months because she hasn't tried to reach out any longer, but it still doesn't change the fact that despite doing everything correctly by break up protocol (except my very recent relapse), I still have thoughts of her...