Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Rub it into he's face? Is that really what your telling yourself? Let me guess, you don't want to cause your husband anymore pain, so the less he knows the better for you.....correct? So when did you lose so much respect for your husband? Better yet, when did you lose your self-respect? He knows I flirted with the guy. I'm not here to get bashed. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 . So I flirt back, nothing graphic, just silly flirting. This goes on and off for a couple of months. But I feel sad and depressed and emotionally burnt out from the whole thing. If anyone has some advice on how to heal from this thing I'd like to hear it. What's going on in your life that you'd get so invested in such a casual sounding (though inappropriate) relationship? Are you addressing the missing parts of your marriage? Some validation seeking here that indicates a deficit at home... Mr. Lucky
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 He made a threat. You're judging it by the wrong standard. Let the prosecutor, judge, and site admin decide whether's there's proof that he has committed a crime or violated terms of service. He said something scary on the phone. Not on the site.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Heatherknows: the most important question is what are you doing to prevent this from happening again? By the way the guy is one of many predators that are online looking for venerable victims, he must be really good he caught you right where he wanted and almost dragged you into an PA, you are lucky you realized this was a " stupid Affair " as you described it, but you really need to find out why were you so venerable. Why you needed an attention from an outsider. Don't tell me it was just fun because that's how all affairs starts You need to address the reasons why you put yourself in this mess to prevent it from happening again. Yes. You're correct, the most important question is what am I going to do about my behavior and my marriage. I don't want to be a cheater. I flirted with the guy because there are unmet sexual needs in my marriage which I've been working on with my husband. I have passion needs that are being ignored and I'm sexually frustrated. My husband is fully aware of these issues. I am doing everything I possibly can to be faithful and all I need from my husband is a little more passion and sex once a week. He tries to give me that. I try my best to arouse him. I've been patient, understanding, I'm very attractive and work-out five times a week. I don't want an affair but I do want passion in my life. It's important to me. It's very very important. 2
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 What's going on in your life that you'd get so invested in such a casual sounding (though inappropriate) relationship? Are you addressing the missing parts of your marriage? Some validation seeking here that indicates a deficit at home... Mr. Lucky I'm missing sexual validation. I'm missing passion. I want those things.
qubist Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Yes. You're correct, the most important question is what am I going to do about my behavior and my marriage. I don't want to be a cheater. I flirted with the guy because there are unmet sexual needs in my marriage which I've been working on with my husband. I have passion needs that are being ignored and I'm sexually frustrated. My husband is fully aware of these issues. I am doing everything I possibly can to be faithful and all I need from my husband is a little more passion and sex once a week. He tries to give me that. I try my best to arouse him. I've been patient, understanding, I'm very attractive and work-out five times a week. I don't want an affair but I do want passion in my life. It's important to me. It's very very important. It is good that you understand your problem, hopefully you had learned a lesson from the A and your husband would do his best from his side too. Good luck 1
jbrent890 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I have no proof that he's a predator; it's a theory. He may not have meant the scary things he said. Who knows? I doubt he will put too much effort into finding where I live. I don't think he's obsessed with me, I think he was pretending he was. Not sure why he would pretend obsession but maybe it gives him some sort of pleasure. The whole thing was weird. My husband knows enough. I don't need to rub it into his face. Usually when I give people in your position this advice, they get a little defensive and say that I am beating them up, so I'm going to try to say this in the most respectful and polite way possible. What you are doing right now Heather is called Trickle Truthing. It is when the wayward only tells the betrayed what they feel they need to know, but not the whole truth. When waywards do this, they say exactly what you said, which was to protect their BS. In hindsight, most waywards will later on admit that even though they did want to protect the BS, their primary motive was actually to protect themselves. I'm not telling you this to beat you up Heather, but you not telling your husband about the phone call was to protect you more than him. Heather, trickle truthing is very risky, especially if the infidelity (or flirting in your case) is already known. If your husband finds out later on from other means about the phone call, it will do serious damage to the trust in your relationship. A LOT and I mean A LOT of waywards do this, even when they know that it is better to just tell the truth. You never know if your husband might decide to do some further investigation himself and check the phone records. If that happens, you will have a very hard time fixing what ever issues are in the relationship, because there will be no trust. Again, I hope you don't think I'm trying to beat you up. I actually commend you for telling him about the flirting. Most people wouldn't even do that. You already did most of the hard stuff, you just have to finish off. My advice if you choose to accept it is sit him down and tell him about the phone call. Once that issue is addressed, then you guys can fix your marriage. If you choose to ignore this, then my advice is you better cover your tracks well. If he finds out about the phone call from any other means than you, then you are going to have a lot of work to do in regaining his trust. Most importantly, thats time and effort spent that could have been used fixing the issues in your marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
cgiles Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 My husband knows enough. I don't need to rub it into his face. Heather, I have nothing against you, but look what you wrote : "My husband knows enough". Who are you for decide when it is enough for him ? He doesn't deserve the whole truth, why ? Look at this : Drip?drip?drip?The danger of the ?trickle-truth? ? Rescuing My Marriage or that : Trickle Truth, It's Neither Trickle Nor Truth - ChumpLady.com You lied to him. When he will found out, and he will, don't worry about this, everything which happened between the moment he will find out, and the moment you admitted the emotional affair, sorry the flirting, will be a lie to him. Maybe it's time to think about divorce, if you are so unhappy and unsatisfied in your marriage. And don't say it's for the kids, because I can't see how it is for the kids to show them than being unhappy and or unsatisfied in a relationship is good for them. 1
turnera Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 After he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I threw his number away he wrote on the forum that he's planning to meet me in person. He said to me on the phone "Please keep away, if you email me I'm too weak not to answer you...I beg you keep away, I have to get you out of my mind etc.." He sounded serious. So at first it felt like flat out rejection then it felt like something completely convoluted and weird and even stranger than rejection. Classic psychological manipulation. There are books and forums out there to teach men how to hook women this way.
autumnnight Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I think you need to tell your H everything for 2 reasons: 1. He is your husband. Trust is paramount. He needs to know the full extent 2. Sometimes this kind of man can come back to bite you. And you better believe he'll use what he thinks your husband doesn't know. If you tell your husband EVERYTHING, then this weirdo has no leverage When it comes to freaky weirdos who get obsessively and unhealthily invested in the lives of others...preemptive and complete truth telling is one of your best weapons.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'm missing sexual validation. I'm missing passion. I want those things. You haven't provided any details about your marriage so I won't speculate. But you're not going to find satisfaction at home when your focus is elsewhere. The grass is greener where you water it... Mr. Lucky
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Classic psychological manipulation. There are books and forums out there to teach men how to hook women this way. I'd like to read about how men manipulate women so I will be able to put this in perspective. If you have any links please share. 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 I think you need to tell your H everything for 2 reasons: 1. He is your husband. Trust is paramount. He needs to know the full extent 2. Sometimes this kind of man can come back to bite you. And you better believe he'll use what he thinks your husband doesn't know. If you tell your husband EVERYTHING, then this weirdo has no leverage When it comes to freaky weirdos who get obsessively and unhealthily invested in the lives of others...preemptive and complete truth telling is one of your best weapons. I just don't think this guy is going to hunt me down. He's very charismatic, has lots of friends and everyone on that forum thinks he's God. I think he knows I'm not going to have sex with him and will search out someone who will and won't have a problem finding this person. My guess is that he still has hope that I will have sex with him which is why he wants to be able to access me. If I stay away he'll forget.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 You haven't provided any details about your marriage so I won't speculate. But you're not going to find satisfaction at home when your focus is elsewhere. The grass is greener where you water it... Mr. Lucky I'm refocusing myself on my marriage and I'm trying to build more solid self-esteem. I'm pretty exhausted from the whole scenario with this man. Being used isn't fun. 1
singer23 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I suppose. He's very charismatic; you should see how all the men and women on the forum fawn all over him. He's going around the country to meet with all of them in person. It's all very strange. I was lonely and looking for some romance which isn't great but I thought online flirting was no big deal "everyone seems to do it." I didn't know he'd want to meet me in person and I sure didn't think I'd get into him. I thought it was going to be fun and no big deal. But I'm a pretty serious person and when a man whom I find attractive flirts that heavily with me I get caught up in the romance. I start thinking "soulmates" and other girly crap. He's not my soulmate. He probably thinks I'm just another stupid girl and maybe he's right. What forum is it ? What is the forum about ? Maybe his wife and him are swingers
singer23 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 After he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I threw his number away he wrote on the forum that he's planning to meet me in person. I didn't explain all of this in my post because I just wanted to make the post short and get to the point. The long version: He said to me on the phone "Please keep away, if you email me I'm too weak not to answer you...I beg you keep away, I have to get you out of my mind etc.." He sounded serious. Less than 24 hours later he makes a thread on the forum about getting together with everyone in person and states that he plans to see me first. I couldn't believe it. I contacted him and said "WTF I don't get you." He said "What's not to get you know I wanted to make a thread about you and I thought this was a good way to loop you in I didn't contact you directly but please keep your account activated so I can PM you if I want." So at first it felt like flat out rejection then it felt like something completely convoluted and weird and even stranger than rejection. I told him I'd keep my account activated but then I decided this thing is just too freaking weird and maybe he wants to hurt me or something he does have a prison record. I made a password that I couldn't remember and can't get back into the account and I already threw out his number. My guess (hopefully) if I stay away from him he'll forget about me and get a new target. This is how utterly bored people generate drama in their own lives...It is not easy but with enough effort, you can generate your own personalized drama.. 1
qubist Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 What forum is it ? What is the forum about ? Maybe his wife and him are swingers him and his wife could be the same person. this is one of the techniques used by male predators. 1
Dutchman1 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Dear Heather, I feel it's time for me to apologize my harsh comments. I sensed there was more to the story, while you made yourself look like a 16,year old. There is a problem in your M I'll agree. Lying and cheating is not going to solve problems, honesty is. Read and learn from people who were convinced never to be found out. I understand you already took steps to spice up your M. You could skip.one workout night and take your H to a movie ( preferably a romantic one) (( and not like mrs Dutchman would do! )) Mrs Dutchman would take me 5,days a week to see dirty dancing. Haha. Is there a stress factor like too much work ours, if you both have full agenda's that leaves you not much hanky-panky time, then make changes. Also.possible but a bit sensitive: Testosterone levels, a known issue with career making man. Still cheating is NEVER gonna solve your problems, you could lose all you care for, ask some lady's on this board. Reclaim your honor and dignity. You are in charge and responsible for the outcome. Please honor your H, and don't become a selfish woman. Dutchman 1 1
qubist Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'd like to read about how men manipulate women so I will be able to put this in perspective. If you have any links please share. just google it. it is amazing how many predators are online taking advantage of the flaws of modern marriages. and looking for victims. this should be considered a crime. there are unfortunately a lot of men and women just like you have unmet needs in their relationships which make them venerable. You are lucky that you were able to stop the manipulation before it was too late, and lucky that your Husband forgave your EA. but be aware of what some of the posters here are talking about regarding telling him the whole truth. first of all, the fact that he forgave and admitted his part of the the problem doesn't necessary means he is completely over it, you have to make sure that he is either over the A or working on it, some people just have the ability to hold themselves but eventually explode later, so I won't be surprised he he later start investigating more about your A. with that being said, unless your 10000% sure he is not going to find any trace of your calls, you should just tell him, it would be almost impossible for him to trust you again if he ever finds out. make sure he is Ok with the whole situation, show him that you care by taking full responsibility and show you remorse and sorry
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 What forum is it ? What is the forum about ? Maybe his wife and him are swingers I'm not revealing the forum but it has nothing to do with swinging. He wouldn't let a man go five feet near his wife. He's very possessive.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 This is how utterly bored people generate drama in their own lives...It is not easy but with enough effort, you can generate your own personalized drama.. Condescending. Thanks. Helpful.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Dear Heather, I feel it's time for me to apologize my harsh comments. I sensed there was more to the story, while you made yourself look like a 16,year old. There is a problem in your M I'll agree. Lying and cheating is not going to solve problems, honesty is. Read and learn from people who were convinced never to be found out. I understand you already took steps to spice up your M. You could skip.one workout night and take your H to a movie ( preferably a romantic one) (( and not like mrs Dutchman would do! )) Mrs Dutchman would take me 5,days a week to see dirty dancing. Haha. Is there a stress factor like too much work ours, if you both have full agenda's that leaves you not much hanky-panky time, then make changes. Also.possible but a bit sensitive: Testosterone levels, a known issue with career making man. Still cheating is NEVER gonna solve your problems, you could lose all you care for, ask some lady's on this board. Reclaim your honor and dignity. You are in charge and responsible for the outcome. Please honor your H, and don't become a selfish woman. Dutchman 1 Thank you Dutchman. I don't want to lose everything or be a selfish person. I want a marriage were everyone's needs are met. 2
turnera Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I'd like to read about how men manipulate women so I will be able to put this in perspective. If you have any links please share.just Google 'how to pick up women' and 'how to seduce women' and 'how to get a married woman.'
autumnnight Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Interesting that he won't let anyone within 5 feet of his wife, yet he has no problem flirting with others. The best thing you could have done was to erase that forum from your life, so good for you on that. Focus all your romantic energy and care on your hubby, and really communicate with him. 1
happyman64 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Hey Heather, Think of all the energy, time and emotions you spent on giving to this Other Man that you could have used on your own husband. You can cry all you want about you do not receive from your Husband or what is lacking in your marriage. But what you put into your marriage you could easily get back. So tell your H the truth. Tell him what you are missing in the marriage. Tell him what you want from him. Then recommit to your Husband that all your time, emotions and love will be used on him. Be honest. Be remorseful. And go get the marriage you are looking for. HM 1
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