Heatherknows Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I suppose I had an emotional affair but the whole thing was short, repulsive and overall stupid. I'm just looking for some support because I feel a little fragile and ashamed at the whole sort of thing. Here is the short version: Met man on forum who's married and flirts openly with lots of women. His wife is on the forum and he does it in front of her. He began sending me PM's alerting me that he likes to flirt but he tells his wife and I shouldn't be upset because it means nothing. So I flirt back, nothing graphic, just silly flirting. This goes on and off for a couple of months. A few telephone calls and the last one was highly emotional and he states he cannot flirt with me anymore because I'm on his mind all the time and other stuff along those lines. I deactivate my account on the forum and throw his number away. The stupid affair is over. But I feel sad and depressed and emotionally burnt out from the whole thing. If anyone has some advice on how to heal from this thing I'd like to hear it. 3
Ronni_W Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Hugs, Heather. I think...forgive yourself. It filled a need at the time, whatever that need was. But. You have gone beyond it; have learned from it. You're not that person anymore. You're relatively unscathed...it could have gotten a lot worse on a lot of levels, yes? So. It's okay to forgive yourself and just carry on from here, as the new - and wiser - person that you are right here, right now. 4
Satu Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 It sounds like you've learned a useful lesson. Resolve not to do it again, and put it behind you. 4
ShatteredLady Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Unless you've missed out any important aspects it sounds like you cut off all communication immediately when he crossed the line by professing feelings. Was this really an EA? Did your husband know about the forum & flirting? 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Hugs, Heather. I think...forgive yourself. It filled a need at the time, whatever that need was. But. You have gone beyond it; have learned from it. You're not that person anymore. You're relatively unscathed...it could have gotten a lot worse on a lot of levels, yes? So. It's okay to forgive yourself and just carry on from here, as the new - and wiser - person that you are right here, right now. Thanks Ronni for the hugs. I still think about the guy TBH and it hurts but I do feel as if I'm moving forward. It's my fault for flirting with him in the first place. I was hungry for romance, passion and attention. What I got was mostly confusion and disappointment. 1
underwater2010 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Realize that you were smart enough to know that things where progressing much further than you where comfortable with. You stopped it cold in its tracks and have moved on. That is enough. 2
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Unless you've missed out any important aspects it sounds like you cut off all communication immediately when he crossed the line by professing feelings. Was this really an EA? Did your husband know about the forum & flirting? I found the whole thing confusing. I told my husband about some of the flirting but not about the phone calls.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Quite honestly, the guy sounds like a lying, conniving scumbag. I mean really, playing some lame online game and flirting with anonymous women players is what this guy does in his spare time? How productive. And he does it in front of his wife which just makes him look even more ignorant and more scummy. I'm actually laughing when I picture how absurd the whole nonsensical thing is. Don't be too flattered by Romeo's proclamation of being too 'into' you. He no doubt probably has 2 or 3 other women he's also pulling that same bullsh*t nonsense with, right alongside you. Something tells me he's a big man on campus behind his keyboard but a total zero out on the streets in real life. What a douche bag. The only thing you need to get over is feeling foolish for ever having wasted your time in the first place with this keyboard Romeo. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I did this too, I'm embarrassed to admit. In my case it went a bit further (in terms of words, anyway) but it was still just an online fantasy. Just shrug it off and move on. I'm not even sure that what you had could be called an affair. At the end of the day, in my "relationship" with this "man", I have no idea who he even is. You don't, either. You've never met him. The whole thing was just a stupid fantasy. In my case, I have no idea who I was even talking to. I would not be surprised if he doesn't exist at all. I tried to check into him online with some of the stuff he told me, but nothing panned out. I gave him my phone number and all contact information. He gave me NOTHING. He gave me his new work phone number (which I traced after the fact and it did not trace to his work) and he refused to even tell me his last name. Refused to give me his personal phone number. Should have been a HUGE red flag, but I just was too stupid to see it. Never again. 3
Furious Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I found the whole thing confusing. I told my husband about some of the flirting but not about the phone calls. It's obvious you don't really feel bad about the flirting with married guy, it's the rejection that is making you feel bad. Come on, you're not really confused, you're not confused enough to lie to your husband about the phone calls. You don't feel bad you lied to your husband and MM lied to his wife, you don't feel bad for them, only feel bad that you were rejected. It's odd how you try to come across as a confused innocent when in actuality you're cunning and just as deceitful as the MM. Two peas in a pod, and MM pulled one over you in the game of deceit. 3
Dutchman1 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Heather, tel your H. You can heal, but there is not such a thing as an ex cheater.you can choose to do that no more, but now your lying by omission. How brave. Just own your actions. Dutchman 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) Quite honestly, the guy sounds like a lying, conniving scumbag. I mean really, playing some lame online game and flirting with anonymous women players is what this guy does in his spare time? How productive. And he does it in front of his wife which just makes him look even more ignorant and more scummy. I'm actually laughing when I picture how absurd the whole nonsensical thing is. Don't be too flattered by Romeo's proclamation of being too 'into' you. He no doubt probably has 2 or 3 other women he's also pulling that same bullsh*t nonsense with, right alongside you. Something tells me he's a big man on campus behind his keyboard but a total zero out on the streets in real life. What a douche bag. The only thing you need to get over is feeling foolish for ever having wasted your time in the first place with this keyboard Romeo. You're probably right. I thought a little romance and excitement would be OK but to tell you the truth I took it too seriously. It isn't so anonymous because there are a lot of real pictures posted. It was a bodybuilding site. Edited August 9, 2015 by Heatherknows
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 I did this too, I'm embarrassed to admit. In my case it went a bit further (in terms of words, anyway) but it was still just an online fantasy. Just shrug it off and move on. I'm not even sure that what you had could be called an affair. At the end of the day, in my "relationship" with this "man", I have no idea who he even is. You don't, either. You've never met him. The whole thing was just a stupid fantasy. In my case, I have no idea who I was even talking to. I would not be surprised if he doesn't exist at all. I tried to check into him online with some of the stuff he told me, but nothing panned out. I gave him my phone number and all contact information. He gave me NOTHING. He gave me his new work phone number (which I traced after the fact and it did not trace to his work) and he refused to even tell me his last name. Refused to give me his personal phone number. Should have been a HUGE red flag, but I just was too stupid to see it. Never again. I hear what you're saying. In my case I've seen tons of pictures of this guy, videos and know what his wife looks like. He made it seem so innocent at first like "hey I love my wife she knows all about my flirting this is what I do for fun...etc." and then it got so convoluted and weird and I felt as if I was really into him and I didn't even know why.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 It's obvious you don't really feel bad about the flirting with married guy, it's the rejection that is making you feel bad. Come on, you're not really confused, you're not confused enough to lie to your husband about the phone calls. You don't feel bad you lied to your husband and MM lied to his wife, you don't feel bad for them, only feel bad that you were rejected. It's odd how you try to come across as a confused innocent when in actuality you're cunning and just as deceitful as the MM. Two peas in a pod, and MM pulled one over you in the game of deceit. Yeah, I do feel bad about being married and flirting with another married person. My moral compass has gotten a bit messed up and I need to reset it. I also feel bad about being played with by this man who still wants contact with me. He wanted to meet me in person I said "no" he didn't like that. But he still wants contact with me so I wasn't really rejected I was just played with a bit. 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 This guy was a classic predator I suppose. He's very charismatic; you should see how all the men and women on the forum fawn all over him. He's going around the country to meet with all of them in person. It's all very strange. I was lonely and looking for some romance which isn't great but I thought online flirting was no big deal "everyone seems to do it." I didn't know he'd want to meet me in person and I sure didn't think I'd get into him. I thought it was going to be fun and no big deal. But I'm a pretty serious person and when a man whom I find attractive flirts that heavily with me I get caught up in the romance. I start thinking "soulmates" and other girly crap. He's not my soulmate. He probably thinks I'm just another stupid girl and maybe he's right.
Dutchman1 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Would be sorry to read that you met him, and than read all about it in the infidelity section. Tell your H, that will ease your itch Dutchman 1
Furious Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I suppose I had an emotional affair but the whole thing was short, repulsive and overall stupid. I'm just looking for some support because I feel a little fragile and ashamed at the whole sort of thing. Here is the short version: Met man on forum who's married and flirts openly with lots of women. His wife is on the forum and he does it in front of her. He began sending me PM's alerting me that he likes to flirt but he tells his wife and I shouldn't be upset because it means nothing. So I flirt back, nothing graphic, just silly flirting. This goes on and off for a couple of months. A few telephone calls and the last one was highly emotional and he states he cannot flirt with me anymore because I'm on his mind all the time and other stuff along those lines. I deactivate my account on the forum and throw his number away. The stupid affair is over. But I feel sad and depressed and emotionally burnt out from the whole thing. If anyone has some advice on how to heal from this thing I'd like to hear it. You say that the last phone call MM told you he cannot flirt with you anymore and then you deactivate your account and throw away his number. Sounds like rejection to me, maybe as you say later on, you refused to meet him in person. Sounds like since you wouldn't take it further, even though you know he's married too, that he wouldn't flirt anymore with you if that's all he'd be getting from you. Yeah...it's rejection, a player like that just moves on if you're not going to give him more than flirtation.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Would be sorry to read that you met him, and than read all about it in the infidelity section. Tell your H, that will ease your itch Dutchman 1 My husband knows a lot about the flirting and how I was into the guy and everything. He just doesn't know about the phone calls. I never met him in real life and I never will. He said something very scary on the phone about what would have happened if we did meet.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) You say that the last phone call MM told you he cannot flirt with you anymore and then you deactivate your account and throw away his number. Sounds like rejection to me, maybe as you say later on, you refused to meet him in person. Sounds like since you wouldn't take it further, even though you know he's married too, that he wouldn't flirt anymore with you if that's all he'd be getting from you. Yeah...it's rejection, a player like that just moves on if you're not going to give him more than flirtation. After he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and I threw his number away he wrote on the forum that he's planning to meet me in person. I didn't explain all of this in my post because I just wanted to make the post short and get to the point. The long version: He said to me on the phone "Please keep away, if you email me I'm too weak not to answer you...I beg you keep away, I have to get you out of my mind etc.." He sounded serious. Less than 24 hours later he makes a thread on the forum about getting together with everyone in person and states that he plans to see me first. I couldn't believe it. I contacted him and said "WTF I don't get you." He said "What's not to get you know I wanted to make a thread about you and I thought this was a good way to loop you in I didn't contact you directly but please keep your account activated so I can PM you if I want." So at first it felt like flat out rejection then it felt like something completely convoluted and weird and even stranger than rejection. I told him I'd keep my account activated but then I decided this thing is just too freaking weird and maybe he wants to hurt me or something he does have a prison record. I made a password that I couldn't remember and can't get back into the account and I already threw out his number. My guess (hopefully) if I stay away from him he'll forget about me and get a new target. Edited August 9, 2015 by Heatherknows
aliveagain Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 My husband knows a lot about the flirting and how I was into the guy and everything. He just doesn't know about the phone calls. I never met him in real life and I never will. He said something very scary on the phone about what would have happened if we did meet. Report him as a predator to the people that manage the site. Take out a restraining order against him for the scary things he said to you. Tell your husband the truth about the phone calls and the scary things he said to you. Keeping secrets from your husband that you share only with O/M is deception that continues against him, get rid of the deception if you want a healthy marriage. An affair is an affair no matter how far you took it, fix it. 4
Author Heatherknows Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Report him as a predator to the people that manage the site. Take out a restraining order against him for the scary things he said to you. Tell your husband the truth about the phone calls and the scary things he said to you. Keeping secrets from your husband that you share only with O/M is deception that continues against him, get rid of the deception if you want a healthy marriage. An affair is an affair no matter how far you took it, fix it. I have no proof that he's a predator; it's a theory. He may not have meant the scary things he said. Who knows? I doubt he will put too much effort into finding where I live. I don't think he's obsessed with me, I think he was pretending he was. Not sure why he would pretend obsession but maybe it gives him some sort of pleasure. The whole thing was weird. My husband knows enough. I don't need to rub it into his face.
TobyBoy Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I have no proof that he's a predator; it's a theory. He may not have meant the scary things he said. Who knows? I doubt he will put too much effort into finding where I live. I don't think he's obsessed with me, I think he was pretending he was. Not sure why he would pretend obsession but maybe it gives him some sort of pleasure. The whole thing was weird. My husband knows enough. I don't need to rub it into his face. Rub it into he's face? Is that really what your telling yourself? Let me guess, you don't want to cause your husband anymore pain, so the less he knows the better for you.....correct? So when did you lose so much respect for your husband? Better yet, when did you lose your self-respect?
SoleMate Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I have no proof that he's a predator; it's a theory. He may not have meant the scary things he said. He made a threat. You're judging it by the wrong standard. Let the prosecutor, judge, and site admin decide whether's there's proof that he has committed a crime or violated terms of service.
qubist Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Heatherknows: the most important question is what are you doing to prevent this from happening again? By the way the guy is one of many predators that are online looking for venerable victims, he must be really good he caught you right where he wanted and almost dragged you into an PA, you are lucky you realized this was a " stupid Affair " as you described it, but you really need to find out why were you so venerable. Why you needed an attention from an outsider. Don't tell me it was just fun because that's how all affairs starts You need to address the reasons why you put yourself in this mess to prevent it from happening again.
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