lino Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Just look at those around you who are successful with women( in real life, not online), that's all you need to do. This isn't a good question to ask women to be honest as they'll just give an answer that saves face and that they hope makes them look pleasant in the eyes of others. Best bet is to make friends with men who are successful with women and learn from them. If you're short on friends, I'd start on that before girls. They'll be more loyal than any woman ever will be and it'll start you in a good path.
DJOkawari Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 1. Positivity 2. Openness 3. Tact/emotional intelligence 4. Humor 5. Friendly assertiveness 6. Positivity Aka giving off "good energy"..."I'm enjoying life, maybe we can enjoy it together". Well said, autumnnight.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 ZA, maybe you didn't get my post after call. Your above post reflects a defeatist attitude and low self-esteem (negative energy). Women are going to sense that negative energy and not be attracted. Which then adds to your negative attitude and the vibe you give off, which in turns adds to women not being attracted, and on and on it goes. Nothing gets resolved and you continue feeling like a loser who isn't attractive, and women continue not being attracted! All this negative energy you are exuding isn't getting you anywhere! Yes it IS your vibe/energy that is turning women off. But you can change your energy/vibe by becoming a more positive person and thinking more highly of yourself! It's not that you are not attractive to women..... it's that you *think* you are not attractive that is working against you here. Again, it's all in the attitude and if your attitude is negative in that you think you are not attractive to women .......then for sure you won't be attractive to women! There are things you can do to raise your own self-esteem and feel better about yourself. There are so many things I can't list them all here, but helping others/volunteering is one. Becoming a more interesting and well-rounded person is another. Start taking classes in things that interest you ....not only will you learn something new but you will meet like-minded people (men and women) and you never know what can develop from that. Join a support group! Support groups are awesome ..... you get to interact with people (men and women) who are experiencing the same issues you are (as well as different issues), discuss ways of improving your respective situations, all while getting good solid support from each other! All this adds up to you feeling better about yourself, feeling like a more attractive person (inside and out) .....which will in turn change your *vibe* from negative to positive ....which will lead to -- guess what? Attracting more women (attract more people) to you in general!! Positive energy/vibe = attracts people to you. Negative energy/vibe = repels people. I did pick up your post and its meaning . I wont ever be that charming, happy go lucky guy so its pointless pretending to be that person. I take a realistic approach to things which people perceive to be negative, simply because I don't sing the praises of each and every aspect of life or whatever topic is being discussed. Call me the boring voice of reason. Am quite ok with myself apart from knowing I cant have what I want and yes that does hurt, more so because nothing I can do will fundamentally alter my personality into something "marketable" on the dating market. I get that its my "thinking" but unfortunately its also backed up with cold evidence, no dating success at all, virgin at 31, those facts point to someone who is fundamentally unattractive to all but the most desperate. The reason I actually started this topic was to try and determine if there was any sort of generic list of what makes guys attractive, cynically I have my own list of what I think it is based on my own observations and experiences. Ultimately and this may surprise some I am the first to help people, be it co workers, the very few friends I have, giving is never an issue for me, neither is caring but I find myself caring just a little less each time I get rejected for no apparent reason. Hence me coming up with what is in reality a stupid idea of me trying to conform to what the average female deems to be attractive. As near to impossible as this will be to accomplish. I cannot pretend to be something I am not, am I negative, possibly yes, why I am I negative, do to constant negative dating experiences, disappointments. I am sure someone will chime in and say "yes but we all have those" and I would agree with one proviso, MOST people have tasted some form of success, I have not and that's one of the many things which keep awake at night. I used to feel confident around females, after the last well documented saga that confidence is gone, replaced by "I really don't care to go out I will rather sit and home, that way I don't need to see all these happy couples" On paper I think I am a good guy with much to offer someone in terms of honesty, loyalty and caring but when I read here, those things don't seem so important to most people. When I cant even win over someone I do have things in common with its telling. Its probably over sharing but no words I can type here can begin to describe how much that last sentence bothers me. I absolutely hate giving up on anything but equally I cant play a game I don't understand or one where I just keep getting wiped out time and time again. I am happy to keep getting defeated if I am taking something meaningful away from it and learning something but I don't, nothing valuable comes of it and I learn nothing apart from how to feel like a total reject. Bottom line is I simply don't know how to do any of this so its easier to just not play at all but no less lonely and one feels no less a reject.
Qboro90 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 If this is the conclusion you've gotten to and the mindset you can't seem to get out of then clearly you're mentally and emotionally drained from the lack of success and absence of hope on the horizon. It might be a good idea to call a time out for yourself and remove yourself from "the game" for the time being. Forget about trying to find the "formulas" to what makes a guy attractive, what women want, how to act on a date, etc. Step back and subtract women for a while. While they've always been absent in your life you've devoted a ton of time trying to figure out ways to attract or be successful with them. So for the next couple months don't bother with it whatsoever. Instead try to either progress your career and advance it if possible. Or you can try and discover something to occupy your time as far as a hobby or goal to achieve. Not sure if you are into exercising but some friends of mine who get into ruts have signed up to do events like "tough mudder", or a quarter/half marathon. If excercising isn't your thing then there are plenty of groups and organizations that you can visit or look into. Not only will it give you something new and interesting to do but it will also expose you to new people. Don't even worry about interacting or forcing it. Just let it happen naturally based off what you participate in or where you go. I'm sure you've heard the saying before but it really is often the case. The moment you stop looking for someone to date is when you'll least expect it and have someone enter your life. The main thing tho is to not just quit the dating game and continue your basic routine. Even if you were going to be single the rest of your life, wouldn't you want to find a few hobbies to look forward to doing? Also do you have siblings by chance? If so maybe take the time to get together with them more often. You can take a vacation for yourself, go see someplace new, take a road trip. Do something
Author ZA Dater Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 If this is the conclusion you've gotten to and the mindset you can't seem to get out of then clearly you're mentally and emotionally drained from the lack of success and absence of hope on the horizon. It might be a good idea to call a time out for yourself and remove yourself from "the game" for the time being. Forget about trying to find the "formulas" to what makes a guy attractive, what women want, how to act on a date, etc. Step back and subtract women for a while. While they've always been absent in your life you've devoted a ton of time trying to figure out ways to attract or be successful with them. So for the next couple months don't bother with it whatsoever. Instead try to either progress your career and advance it if possible. Or you can try and discover something to occupy your time as far as a hobby or goal to achieve. Not sure if you are into exercising but some friends of mine who get into ruts have signed up to do events like "tough mudder", or a quarter/half marathon. If excercising isn't your thing then there are plenty of groups and organizations that you can visit or look into. Not only will it give you something new and interesting to do but it will also expose you to new people. Don't even worry about interacting or forcing it. Just let it happen naturally based off what you participate in or where you go. I'm sure you've heard the saying before but it really is often the case. The moment you stop looking for someone to date is when you'll least expect it and have someone enter your life. The main thing tho is to not just quit the dating game and continue your basic routine. Even if you were going to be single the rest of your life, wouldn't you want to find a few hobbies to look forward to doing? Also do you have siblings by chance? If so maybe take the time to get together with them more often. You can take a vacation for yourself, go see someplace new, take a road trip. Do something I did exactly this last year. Removed myself from it, devoted each hour of the waking day to work and other projects and yes I am still doing exactly that now but I just see the months going by and I do look at myself, people I know getting married, others having stable relationships, some married with kids and then I look at me and for all my success and achievements in other aspect of life it seems to matter little. Exercise is good, I do quite a lot of that and generally I am occupied for most of the time. Either at work, working on work at home, working on club related business or working on my fictional novel. I wouldn't say my life is overly people centric, close friend keeps trying to encourage me to approach girls , waitresses and the like but that just isn't me. The solution to all of this is for someone I like to actually give me a chance without fobbing me off or just going quiet. Just once I want to experience what everyone else finds so easy to find. That's all, just once.
Qboro90 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 And how do you expect that "just once" to happen exactly if you refuse to approach anyone? Saying "it's not you" is the ultimate excuse. Pardon my language but... No ****, of course it's not you otherwise you wouldn't struggle meeting women so much. Just because it's uncomfortable and you've been rejected every time in the past doesn't mean that it's impossible to overcome. At the end of the day the only thing that's holding you back from going up to a girl you find attractive is to uneasy/uncomfortable feelings that go along with it. You're not going to develop a disease by doing it, it's not going to get you arrested, you won't lose your job. The worst possible outcome is that a girl says "no thanks". Is that the end of the world? Obviously not. I've approached dozens upon dozens of women in my life and have had countless rejections. But never fails that if you just keep on trying eventually there will be one that is interested. You're 31. Most people start really getting into dating in their early 20s. So just because you haven't had any luck till now doesn't make you Steve Carrell in the 40 year old virgin. What will lead to that is lying to yourself and saying "I just won't approach anyone, it's not me". That's not anyone. If guys had the choice we would have women approach us obviously. That's not how the world is. Sorry, it sucks but if you're waiting and hoping for a "wow" girl to walk up and say "heyyy ZA, you seem really interesting, wanna grab coffee with me?". Then my advice is to just not hold your breath.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 And how do you expect that "just once" to happen exactly if you refuse to approach anyone? Saying "it's not you" is the ultimate excuse. Pardon my language but... No ****, of course it's not you otherwise you wouldn't struggle meeting women so much. Just because it's uncomfortable and you've been rejected every time in the past doesn't mean that it's impossible to overcome. At the end of the day the only thing that's holding you back from going up to a girl you find attractive is to uneasy/uncomfortable feelings that go along with it. You're not going to develop a disease by doing it, it's not going to get you arrested, you won't lose your job. The worst possible outcome is that a girl says "no thanks". Is that the end of the world? Obviously not. I've approached dozens upon dozens of women in my life and have had countless rejections. But never fails that if you just keep on trying eventually there will be one that is interested. You're 31. Most people start really getting into dating in their early 20s. So just because you haven't had any luck till now doesn't make you Steve Carrell in the 40 year old virgin. What will lead to that is lying to yourself and saying "I just won't approach anyone, it's not me". That's not anyone. If guys had the choice we would have women approach us obviously. That's not how the world is. Sorry, it sucks but if you're waiting and hoping for a "wow" girl to walk up and say "heyyy ZA, you seem really interesting, wanna grab coffee with me?". Then my advice is to just not hold your breath. Thanks for that. Why approach when I know what my league is and OLD has taught me well what I can attract and cant attract, nothing that was even half remotely decent looking on OLD was interested. If you approach then you need to have something to offer and need to compete with everyone else, again OLD taught me what I have to offer is of no interest at all. You may have had countless rejections but you aren't the 31yo guy who has never had ANY success at all.
cessna Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I'm I the only one who hates the term 'energy' when applied to ones persona? Makes me cringe every time without fail. I'd banish the term along with the terms 'spark', 'vibe', 'chemistry', 'fate' and 'destiny'. Back to the point, I don't think you can make anyone like you and why would you anyway? I'd rather be myself and have people dislike me for it than to act how they'd like me to. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 In other what makes a person attractive? Perhaps this is a somewhat open question but I would be interested to hear from ladies any generic attributes they find attractive. Then from the guys, how much should one "sell" ones achievements and how much should one "boast"? You are who you are and the people who find you attractive are the ones who appreciate you for being that way. A person does not adjust their personalities, needs, looks, etc. to accommodate everyone they meet. That can't be done anyway. If you are trying to "sell" yourself, you will sell yourself short. Because the product should "sell" itself. The customers who "buy" the product are the ones whose needs are met most effectively by that product There is no such thing as generic.
losangelena Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I'm I the only one who hates the term 'energy' when applied to ones persona? Makes me cringe every time without fail. I'd banish the term along with the terms 'spark', 'vibe', 'chemistry', 'fate' and 'destiny'. I don't disagree that these are generally overused terms. However, what words would you use to describe these things? I'm curious.
RecentChange Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Now "attraction" is not a universal trait - it depends on the mix. What attracts me, might not attract another woman at all. Here are some of my "tips" - I am thinking about someone who successfully "attracted" me - when I wasn't looking to me attracted to anyone! Be a good conversationalist. This means eye contact, LISTENING, asking intelligent questions - add HUMOR, and a wonderful smile doesn't hurt. Show genuine interest, and do not "boost" but you can add onto what someone else is sharing with your own experiences. And when I say listen - do just that, and take some mental notes - ask about things they brought up, show that you take an interest in them! You want her to say "Oh, you remembered about that?" You want ALL of your body language to say "I like you". I again, this means eye contact, a genuine smile, leaning in, if legs are crossed, they are towards the other person. Don't cross arms rightly to look "closed off" - you want your face and your body to seem "open" and close to the other person. Show her that you are happy and entertained by per presence. Make her feel desired - not just sexually, but as someone you want to be "close" to. And each person's "list" is different, here is my re-arrangement of Autumn's 1. Tact/emotional intelligence 2. Humor 3. Friendly assertiveness 4. Openness 5. Positivity 1. Positivity 2. Openness 3. Tact/emotional intelligence 4. Humor 5. Friendly assertiveness 6. Positivity
cessna Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I don't disagree that these are generally overused terms. However, what words would you use to describe these things? I'm curious. Well, when people talk about 'positive/negative energy' they're talking nonsense because people don't give of any energy in that sense. It's almost as bad as believing that people have 'souls'... Fate and destiny simply don't exist so that's an easy one. And 'chemistry' I'd simply put down to getting along well with one another. I just really can't stand this new-age nonsense of having a silly buzzword for absolutely everything.
RecentChange Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 I agree with this - although "chemistry" can be a bit more than just "getting along" - pheromones, and their complexities can play a role as well. Something I used to totally ignore until someone's sent drove me crazy.... but is in the "can't control" category. When I saw "positive" listed earlier, I was thinking that they were talking about a "optimist" or someone that has an over all "good" / happy outlook. I can see how that can be attractive - but as someone who describes themselves as "salty" I don't gravitate towards overly positive people, I love some cynicism. Well, when people talk about 'positive/negative energy' they're talking nonsense because people don't give of any energy in that sense. It's almost as bad as believing that people have 'souls'... Fate and destiny simply don't exist so that's an easy one. And 'chemistry' I'd simply put down to getting along well with one another. I just really can't stand this new-age nonsense of having a silly buzzword for absolutely everything.
Strahatmak Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 1. Tact/emotional intelligence 2. Humor 3. Friendly assertiveness 4. Openness 5. Positivity Quote: Originally Posted by autumnnight View Post 1. Positivity 2. Openness 3. Tact/emotional intelligence 4. Humor 5. Friendly assertiveness 6. Positivity Well I know a few people have the above characteristics, but zero attractive to men...
joseb Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Well, when people talk about 'positive/negative energy' they're talking nonsense because people don't give of any energy in that sense. It's almost as bad as believing that people have 'souls'... . So you honestly don't know people that have a positive energy/vibe/attitude versus others that are the opposite? It's nothing to do with religion or anything supernatural. It's the way some people are - whether by nature or nurture. People absolutely do run the spectrum in this regard.
Vercetti Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 If really have things going for you, they will be understood and people will enjoy discovering things the longer they stick around. People that brag endless about whatever are really off putting to me. If so amazing why sitting in the same place I am begging for a ego boost. Plus, want people to like you, not what think can get out of you or you can do for them. Finally, people might just want you to ask about them as opposed to vomiting a resume that might not even be that impressive...if they did care.
Author ZA Dater Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 So you honestly don't know people that have a positive energy/vibe/attitude versus others that are the opposite? Some people definitely have that and its a very attractive quality to have.
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