Advice needed

[Alza]

My partner of eight years and mother of my two kids broke up with me five weeks ago. I've been battling depression and anxiety since my mid-teens which results in me being distant, lazy and drinking heavily. Although she knew I had issues I didn't tell her the extent of them until we broke up.

 

She told me that I don't make her happy, cited me not wanting to spend time with her or the kids, drinking until I pass out, not feeling loved and not laying with her when she was ill as the reasons she decided to break up.

 

Originally she wanted us to live together but break up, which I couldn't cope with. I've been moved out 3 weeks and go to see the kids everyday.

 

Next week we are taking a family camping holiday, I've chosen still to go because I want to see the kids and also I want her to see the positive changes I've begun to make.

 

I'm really struggling with how to be around her while we are away. I don't want to smoother her, be distant or mess things up even more. I'm trying my best to do minimal contact and only talk to her regarding the children to give us both some headspace; I'm really struggling to keep this up too.

 

Any words of advice from anyone regarding this would be gratefully received.

Edited August 8, 2015 by Alza
Missed word in title

[aloneinaz]

My partner of eight years and mother of my two kids broke up with me five weeks ago. I've been battling depression and anxiety since my mid-teens which results in me being distant, lazy and drinking heavily. Although she knew I had issues I didn't tell her the extent of them until we broke up.

 

She told me that I don't make her happy, cited me not wanting to spend time with her or the kids, drinking until I pass out, not feeling loved and not laying with her when she was ill as the reasons she decided to break up.

 

Originally she wanted us to live together but break up, which I couldn't cope with. I've been moved out 3 weeks and go to see the kids everyday.

 

Next week we are taking a family camping holiday, I've chosen still to go because I want to see the kids and also I want her to see the positive changes I've begun to make.

 

I'm really struggling with how to be around her while we are away. I don't want to smoother her, be distant or mess things up even more. I'm trying my best to do minimal contact and only talk to her regarding the children to give us both some headspace; I'm really struggling to keep this up too.

 

Any words of advice from anyone regarding this would be gratefully received.

 

 

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do for yourself to get you back on track. It sounds like the first step would be to address the drinking. Can you stop? Can you attend AA or a program like it? I would think drinking that much would contribute to being lazy, adding to your depression and when you're withdrawing, elevate your anxiety.

 

 

As far as how to act around her, just treat her like a close, platonic friend. Be very nice but not affectionate nor anything else. You're going to have to give her space from you and allow her to miss you. It might be too late for her to change her mind about reconciling but...you should still address these issues about yourself that will make your life more enjoyable.

[Alza]

Thanks for the reply! I'm not an alcoholic, I have got an alcohol problem though. I've started to address this, I'm also waiting to start therapy for the depression and anxiety. I'm losing weight, joined a gym and going to see friends. Doing everything I can to keep my mind off her and improve myself at the same time. She needed to do this to me for me to accept the problems I have.

 

At the moment I'm having good days and bad days. I just need to avoid the bad days while we are away!

[Gus Grimly]

It's good you are taking care of yourself and taking a look at yourself and possible character flaws.

 

Everyone could use a piece of humble pie once and a while. Humans tend to get comfortable which causes them to stop working to improve themselves. Breakups will definitely give you a wake up call. Good luck and hang in there.

[lolablue17]

It's different if she is seeing someone else or not. If she's not, you can try to be patient with her, give her as much time as she needs.

 

But if there's or will be someone else, i don't think you want to be involved too much with her at all.

[theredpill]

Yeah the ole humble pie, as much as I like to think I know I still lost a great girl stressed with work and neglecting "our" time which last year was absolutely amazing, in our own words.

 

There's wise advice in the posts above, self improvement is tough but a healthy state of mind is a prerequisite for any happy and fulfilling relationship. Keep up the good work, stay focussed on doing this for you, become the best version of yourself.

 

Your partner will see this, rather than you putting on a façade for her - that's the wrong approach.

[Alza]

So yesterday as I was dropping the kids of she wanted to talk about our son, who hasn't taken me not being there well. The conversation went on to her asking how I am, her saying she didn't want to hurt everyone and she hadn't wanted this (I took that to mean she used to want to be together forever rather than a change of heart). I gave polite but short answers, told her I wasn't ready to talk about this and left.

 

In the evening we spoke on telephone again on the premise of our son (my daughter seems to be coping well). Again she switched the conversation and was talking about how I'm coping, saying "we can't just work in the relationship just because our son is upset, can we" and she said that I seem to agree that this is for the best and I left easier than she thought I would.

 

Really confused as to what I should do. Is she reaching out to me? Looking for an ego boost or something else? All I want to do is pour my heart out to her.

[Realitycol]

My partner of eight years and mother of my two kids broke up with me five weeks ago. I've been battling depression and anxiety since my mid-teens which results in me being distant, lazy and drinking heavily. Although she knew I had issues I didn't tell her the extent of them until we broke up.

 

She told me that I don't make her happy, cited me not wanting to spend time with her or the kids, drinking until I pass out, not feeling loved and not laying with her when she was ill as the reasons she decided to break up.

 

Originally she wanted us to live together but break up, which I couldn't cope with. I've been moved out 3 weeks and go to see the kids everyday.

 

Next week we are taking a family camping holiday, I've chosen still to go because I want to see the kids and also I want her to see the positive changes I've begun to make.

 

I'm really struggling with how to be around her while we are away. I don't want to smoother her, be distant or mess things up even more. I'm trying my best to do minimal contact and only talk to her regarding the children to give us both some headspace; I'm really struggling to keep this up too.

 

Any words of advice from anyone regarding this would be gratefully received.

 

So the bolded parts. Did you battle and WIN over depression and anxiety?

Did you win the battle against your drinking problems?

 

If yes to both THEN you can say you changed and show it.

 

If not you won't make her happy.

 

Nobody wants someone that comes with extra baggage. Life is hard as is and so are relationships.

 

You can't use depression/anxiety/drinking problems AS AN EXCUSE or your scapegoat. Be a man, FIX IT. Fix it FOR YOURSELF IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Fix it for the WOMAN YOU LOVE. Fix it for the CHILDREN.

 

Don't get on your keyboard and say you can't. You can. Don't be a quitter please it's not man-like.

[Realitycol]

So yesterday as I was dropping the kids of she wanted to talk about our son, who hasn't taken me not being there well. The conversation went on to her asking how I am, her saying she didn't want to hurt everyone and she hadn't wanted this (I took that to mean she used to want to be together forever rather than a change of heart). I gave polite but short answers, told her I wasn't ready to talk about this and left.

 

In the evening we spoke on telephone again on the premise of our son (my daughter seems to be coping well). Again she switched the conversation and was talking about how I'm coping, saying "we can't just work in the relationship just because our son is upset, can we" and she said that I seem to agree that this is for the best and I left easier than she thought I would.

 

Really confused as to what I should do. Is she reaching out to me? Looking for an ego boost or something else? All I want to do is pour my heart out to her.

 

If she reaches out just set up a definite date to have fun and hook up. Don't be a jerk or be cold and distant. Don't bring up the talk on relationship, just remind her what a fun-filled man you are. Don't over-complicate or over-think things. Just go with the flow. When she thinks of the new YOU, she must associate you with positive things like (fun, romantic, changed, etc.) not negative things (same ole', cold, boring, distant, depressed).

[Alza]

So the bolded parts. Did you battle and WIN over depression and anxiety?

Did you win the battle against your drinking problems?

 

If yes to both THEN you can say you changed and show it.

 

If not you won't make her happy.

 

Nobody wants someone that comes with extra baggage. Life is hard as is and so are relationships.

 

You can't use depression/anxiety/drinking problems AS AN EXCUSE or your scapegoat. Be a man, FIX IT. Fix it FOR YOURSELF IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Fix it for the WOMAN YOU LOVE. Fix it for the CHILDREN.

 

Don't get on your keyboard and say you can't. You can. Don't be a quitter please it's not man-like.

 

I haven't drank alcohol since the night we split up. I won't say I've beaten the drink problem but I'm working towards it. As the the anxiety and depression that's an ongoing process but I'm in a better place now than when we split up. I've not used them as an excuse, I had choices the make and choose the wrong ones which I'm not planning on doing again.

[Satu]

I haven't drank alcohol since the night we split up. I won't say I've beaten the drink problem but I'm working towards it. As the the anxiety and depression that's an ongoing process but I'm in a better place now than when we split up. I've not used them as an excuse, I had choices the make and choose the wrong ones which I'm not planning on doing again.

You're on the right track.

 

Keep going and don't deviate from it.

 

 

Take care.

[Realitycol]

STICK with your words. That's a MAN. SOOO Many times I promised my exs of change and all this flatter talk. Then I'd return to square one and 1 little slip up on my end and the inner demons come out and she starts running.

 

Don't ever let your past issues come back to haunt your future. Get to the bottom and root of it all and cleanse yourself. YOU deserve that and so does every loved ones around you. Do it for YOU and THEM and that's why you NEVER give up.

[Chi townD]

So yesterday as I was dropping the kids of she wanted to talk about our son, who hasn't taken me not being there well. The conversation went on to her asking how I am, her saying she didn't want to hurt everyone and she hadn't wanted this (I took that to mean she used to want to be together forever rather than a change of heart). I gave polite but short answers, told her I wasn't ready to talk about this and left.

 

In the evening we spoke on telephone again on the premise of our son (my daughter seems to be coping well). Again she switched the conversation and was talking about how I'm coping, saying "we can't just work in the relationship just because our son is upset, can we" and she said that I seem to agree that this is for the best and I left easier than she thought I would.

 

Really confused as to what I should do. Is she reaching out to me? Looking for an ego boost or something else? All I want to do is pour my heart out to her.

 

 

She's looking to you for confirmation that she did the right thing. Problem is, she see's the pain her decision is causing your son. Women are allowed to be selfish when they feel that their needs aren't being met. But! As a mother, the LAST thing they want to see is their children in pain. SO! the woman and the mother are at odds with each other.

 

 

If you have an up coming camping trip, I would strongly urge you to google search, "Doing the 180 in a relationship" and start doing the 180, especially on that trip. The 180 is kind of a double edge sword. It was sort of written if there's another person involved (but, I don't believe that this is the case) so, ignore the rules that apply to an outside person invading your relationship.

 

 

The 180 is designed to make you look like your getting on with your life and leaving her behind. The 180 makes you look like a fun guy to be around. But, if that doesn't spark her interest to come back, then it also helps you detach from her.