My ex is really trying to make things right...should I give a second chance ?

[heather03]

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and feel like lately i cant stop thinking about it. I feel like i have to choose whether i want to be friends with him or get back together with him and i cant make a decision. We met up yesterday after 6 months and it was nice; i felt attracted to him and wanted to kiss him, but the same feelings weren't there as before, if that makes sense. I know he wants a second chance but im just still not sure and im thinking about it a lot. Thinking about it to the point of maybe obsession; I just wish I had a clear answer of what I want and should do in this situation.

How can i make a decision and know whats right?

 

A little insight..we broke up because he decided to study abroad a second time without really telling me/including me because he was scared. He has apologised since then and tells me that he has changed. Also my family would support me but tell me that they dont think its a good idea to get back with him, and they saw he didnt really make me happy. Half of our relationship was him studying abroad/thinking of studying abroad so no, I wasn't really happy in the relationship

because all I thought about was him going away again and distanced myself.

[qubist]

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and feel like lately i cant stop thinking about it. I feel like i have to choose whether i want to be friends with him or get back together with him and i cant make a decision. We met up yesterday after 6 months and it was nice; i felt attracted to him and wanted to kiss him, but the same feelings weren't there as before, if that makes sense. I know he wants a second chance but im just still not sure and im thinking about it a lot. Thinking about it to the point of maybe obsession; I just wish I had a clear answer of what I want and should do in this situation.

How can i make a decision and know whats right?

 

A little insight..we broke up because he decided to study abroad a second time without really telling me/including me because he was scared. He has apologised since then and tells me that he has changed. Also my family would support me but tell me that they dont think its a good idea to get back with him, and they saw he didnt really make me happy. Half of our relationship was him studying abroad/thinking of studying abroad so no, I wasn't really happy in the relationship

because all I thought about was him going away again and distanced myself.

you have to obvious choices

1- end it with him, you are going to end it completely if you still feel attracted to him you should cut all contact with him like he never existed in order for you to move on.

2- give him a 2nd chance: if you decide to try it again make sure he knows exactly what was bothering you during the first try, not just the studying abroad, tell him everything, be clear honest and nicely tell him that he will have to work on these issues first. you also ask him if there was anything from his end that he wants you to do.

[aloneinaz]

I wouldn't do it. There were too many things of concern in your post about him. Usually, our instincts are correct when we reach a decision to end a relationship. What happens all to often is the dumper (you) gives the person they dumped a second chance. After the initial excitement wears off, the dumper see's all the same things that cause the first break up and end it again. I've done it myself.

 

 

The other thing you need to do is ask yourself WHY you'd consider giving him another chance? Has dating not been good for you? Are you lonely and missing being in a relationship, so you'll "settle" for him again? This is usually the reason a dumper gives someone a second chance. They do it for selfish reasons as it's beneficial to them.

 

 

Again, I think you'd be better off not recycling a failed relationship and keep dating.

[theredpill]

Are you sure that's the best advice aloneinaz?

 

I know plenty of people who've split up and are still together today and I'm pretty sure this is the case for literally millions of people across the world.

 

Setting yourself up looking to fail, can only result in failure - isn't the best approach to look for success and happiness?

[Simon Phoenix]

Are you sure that's the best advice aloneinaz?

 

I know plenty of people who've split up and are still together today and I'm pretty sure this is the case for literally millions of people across the world.

 

Setting yourself up looking to fail, can only result in failure - isn't the best approach to look for success and happiness?

 

Considering that there are billions of people in the world, his advice isn't as offbase as you are painting it. I don't think reconciliations are automatically doomed to failure, but if nothing from the old relationship is different, than the end result from that relationship is going to repeat itself.

 

That being said, what the OP has to do is trust her own observations. Has she actually seen the change that she wanted to see for herself, or is she basing that off what her ex is saying? If she thinks he's changed based on his words, she's going to be setting herself up for failure. Real change doesn't need to be verbalized -- it should be showing on its own without him saying "oh look, I've changed." If someone has told you they've changed, especially when you haven't asked or brought it up, then they probably haven't.

 

Also, the OP needs to evaluate her own motivations, just as aloneinaz said. Does she truly miss him, or is she just acting out of loneliness? Does she really miss what she had, or is she just disappointed with how post-breakup dating has gone? If she's just settling because there's nothing better at the moment, she'll just dump him again as soon as she gets sick of that settling.

 

There are a lot of things she has to honestly consider (with her rational mind, not her irrational heart or impulses) before making such a move. And she probably shouldn't be communicating with her ex until she figures all this out honestly.

[writergal]

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and feel like lately i cant stop thinking about it. I feel like i have to choose whether i want to be friends with him or get back together with him and i cant make a decision. We met up yesterday after 6 months and it was nice; i felt attracted to him and wanted to kiss him, but the same feelings weren't there as before, if that makes sense. I know he wants a second chance but im just still not sure and im thinking about it a lot. Thinking about it to the point of maybe obsession; I just wish I had a clear answer of what I want and should do in this situation.

 

How can i make a decision and know whats right?

 

A little insight..we broke up because he decided to study abroad a second time without really telling me/including me because he was scared. He has apologised since then and tells me that he has changed. Also my family would support me but tell me that they dont think its a good idea to get back with him, and they saw he didnt really make me happy. Half of our relationship was him studying abroad/thinking of studying abroad so no, I wasn't really happy in the relationship because all I thought about was him going away again and distanced myself.

 

If you do give him a second chance, you need to have a clear idea formed about what you specifically want from him in terms of being your boyfriend. And you need to tell him your expectations or he'll never know.

 

Half of the relationship problems in the world could be easily solved if people would just communicate their expectations verbally with each other, face to face.

[dyna85]

To answer your question: how can I make a decision and know it's right? You combine your head logic with your heart instinct and go with it. Only you know what's best for you. You weigh the pros and cons and factor your feelings with those facts and then bam, you make a choice.

 

There's no manual in this life and no one has the right answer for you. No one but you.

 

If it makes you feel any better, the worst that can happen isn't really all that bad if you think about it. You survived once without him, and if you give it a second go and it doesn't work out, you know from experience you will be okay. If you decide to not give it another go, you're still okay.

 

All in all, you're sitting pretty.

[heather03]

Considering that there are billions of people in the world, his advice isn't as offbase as you are painting it. I don't think reconciliations are automatically doomed to failure, but if nothing from the old relationship is different, than the end result from that relationship is going to repeat itself.

 

That being said, what the OP has to do is trust her own observations. Has she actually seen the change that she wanted to see for herself, or is she basing that off what her ex is saying? If she thinks he's changed based on his words, she's going to be setting herself up for failure. Real change doesn't need to be verbalized -- it should be showing on its own without him saying "oh look, I've changed." If someone has told you they've changed, especially when you haven't asked or brought it up, then they probably haven't.

 

Also, the OP needs to evaluate her own motivations, just as aloneinaz said. Does she truly miss him, or is she just acting out of loneliness? Does she really miss what she had, or is she just disappointed with how post-breakup dating has gone? If she's just settling because there's nothing better at the moment, she'll just dump him again as soon as she gets sick of that settling.

 

There are a lot of things she has to honestly consider (with her rational mind, not her irrational heart or impulses) before making such a move. And she probably shouldn't be communicating with her ex until she figures all this out honestly.

 

This makes sense but its hard to really have a clear perspective on the relationship because I haven't seen/been around him in 6 months, only through text. Wouldn't it make more sense just to act as friends for now and hang out casually and getting to know one another again to get a better idea of him and if he has actually changed ?

[aloneinaz]

Are you sure that's the best advice aloneinaz?

 

I know plenty of people who've split up and are still together today and I'm pretty sure this is the case for literally millions of people across the world.

 

Setting yourself up looking to fail, can only result in failure - isn't the best approach to look for success and happiness?

 

 

Absolutely, everyone should ALWAYS look for the best outcome that is possible in all circumstances in their lives. But, I'm also a realist too. Recycling a failed relationship is like playing blackjack and hitting 16 when the dealer has a 5 showing. The odds are way against you.

 

 

People simply don't change, especially in 6 months. People don't usually end a relationship without careful consideration either. I'd say that vast majority of the time a dumper goes back to someone they dumped is because-

 

 

* They're lonely

* They haven't had any luck dating or have run into knuckleheads.

* They miss being in relationship and the stability it can bring.

* They're are lazy and impatient. It's easier to say "crap, ok, I'll try it again with him cause dating has sucked lately and the holidays are coming".

 

 

I'd absolutely love to suggest to people to give a failed relationship another try. I'm only suggesting NOT to after experiences that me, my friends, family members and the thousands of experiences shared on this site. Yes, sometimes they work out but it's truly rare.

[Simon Phoenix]

This makes sense but its hard to really have a clear perspective on the relationship because I haven't seen/been around him in 6 months, only through text. Wouldn't it make more sense just to act as friends for now and hang out casually and getting to know one another again to get a better idea of him and if he has actually changed ?

 

No. Because you aren't friends. If you were actually recovered from the relationship and could actually be geniune friends and not use the guise of friendship as some sort of weird, awkward test phase to dating again then yes, maybe that'd be a good idea. But you aren't there, so no, it's not a very good idea.

 

What exactly are your expectations and desires from this guy? What do you want to see?

[heather03]

No. Because you aren't friends. If you were actually recovered from the relationship and could actually be geniune friends and not use the guise of friendship as some sort of weird, awkward test phase to dating again then yes, maybe that'd be a good idea. But you aren't there, so no, it's not a very good idea.

 

What exactly are your expectations and desires from this guy? What do you want to see?

 

I miss hanging out with him and having love/affection, but at the same time i feel like this is all in the past and maybe cant go back to what it was before. I feel like maybe hes just telling me what i want to hear. Even he was thanking me for meeting up with him and staying in contact with him, making me feel like i shouldnt be doing so.

Just for some reason i cant let this situation go and cant figure out what i want from him.

[Simon Phoenix]

cant figure out what i want from him.

 

Until you figure this out, you should not meet with him. You're doing yourself a disservice if you do and you are doing him a disservice. You need to figure out what you want first and foremost.

[foolinlove79]

From my own experience id just be concerned with a repeat of what has already happened and that is a bu. My ex would always come back and tell me everything i wanted to hear. And inevitably would change his mind again. And i really believe now its just cos he didnt have any luck finding someone else while we were bu. And he doesnt like to be alone either. Its up to you if you want to risk it but they have already left you once. And that tells me they may not be that invested.