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Posted

This is going to be really long so I'm sorry.

 

We met via a Craigslist ad I posted and we connected instantly. We talked for hours and found out we had so much in common that it was crazy. We would meet up and hang out every so often and we connected more and more. After a month, I started liking him as more than a friend but I was scared he didn't feel the same way so I just kept quiet about it. One day he texted me that he liked me a lot and I told him that I felt the same way. Then a couple of weeks later he texted me that he was in love with me but wasn't sure if he was over thinking it or not. I told him that I also loved him as well. However, despite this, I wasn't sure about where we would stood relationship wise; if we were dating, in a relationship, single etc. We discussed it and he said that he would like for us to date. And we went on a date to the fair that week. However, I still wasn't mentally fully vested in this thing we had going on because I was scared to fully trust him for the fear that he may leave me suddenly or something. After the fair, I discussed my concerns with him and I told him about how I have a difficult time trusting people and letting them into my lives due to bad past experiences. So I asked him if I could trust him and he said of course. So we were officially in a relationship at that point.

 

After the night at the fair and our discussion, he suddenly became very affectionate with me. He would hug and kiss me constantly, send me texts saying he loves and misses several times a day, call me babe, and tell me that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. He always wanted to see me everyday and I wanted to see him everyday as well. He'd get disappointed when he couldn't see me for a day.

 

Everything was great until one day I saw that he had a hookup app on his phone. I asked him about it and he said he hadn't been on the hook up app since we started going out. But my gut was telling me otherwise. I installed the same app on my phone, saw his profile on there and it said he was recently online just a few hour ago. His profile had a picture of him shirtless. I made a fake account and messaged him on there and asked if he was in a relationship and he said he wasn't. I was furious at him. However, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want him to know what I'd done. A couple of days later, I noticed he kept texting someone when I was with him and he'd try to hide the fact that he was texting when I was around him. A couple hours later, the phone dinged and I glanced at the phone and there was a text that said "hope you like the pictures". My stomach dropped. I had a horrible feeling that he was cheating on me. I started getting dreams that I was reading his text messages and my gut told me to do this. The next week, when we went traveling to the coast for the day, we stopped at a gas station so he could use the restroom. He'd left his phone in the car and my gut told me to read his text messages so I did. I froze up in shock when I saw some of the texts on his phone. There were about 50 different people he'd text messaged which he'd hooked up with in the past month alone. I was so furious that I was shaking. When he got back, he said I seemed different and asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. But deep down, I was fuming, I wanted to confront him so badly but I didn't want him to know I'd read his text messages behind his back.

 

I spent the next week pretending that I never saw the texts and that he wasn't cheating on me. But that didn't stick. So I changed my mind and pretended to be okay with the fact that he was having sex with other people even though deep down inside it killed me. I noticed that I felt very hostile about him when I wasn't around him but I would fall in love with him all over again whenever we hung out so I kept forgiving him for his cheating. My mood changed up and down on a daily basis. However, one day I became so bothered about his cheating, that I brought up the topic of people cheating on their loved ones and told him how I would instantly break up with someone who cheated on me. He went on a big rant about cheating and started talking about his ex-wife who'd cheated on him three times and at how much it'd hurt him. He even started crying about it. After his rant, he told me that I made it seem like I was accusing of him of having sex with all these different people.

 

Everything was fine after this and I just started to accept the fact that he had sex with other people. I would look on the hook up site on a daily basis to see if he was online and how far he was.

 

As time went on (a couple of months) he started only sending me good morning texts everyone once in a while and slowly but surely stopped sending me the I love and miss you texts. After so long he stopped texting me asking how things were going and I started being the one who had to initiate the conversations and plans. When we texted, he started taking longer to respond and sometime wouldn't even respond at all. When he didn't respond, I would send him multiple texts and call him many times so I could hear from him. One day I did the multiple texting thing and he wrote to me "I can't leave my phone for 10 minutes without you blowing it up." We talked about his texting habits and he said didn't send me morning texts because I took forever to respond back (which was a lie) and that he just didn't think about texting that much. I didn't text him one day and I waited all day for him to text just to see if he would. Then around 6 o' clock n the evening I texted him "it's been nice hearing from you" and he just said haha.

 

He also started becoming less affectionate with me as well. I started getting the feeling that he didn't care about me anymore and it really bothered me. I brought this to his attention and he said he didn't realize he'd been acting this way. I told him I'd like for him to be more attentive and affectionate towards me. Then I asked him if I was being attentive and affectionate towards him and he said I was. He improved a bit but for a only a short while. Then I just started feeling resentful towards him but I boosted my attention towards him in the hopes that he would be more affectionate towards me. One night I'd texted him good night and that I loved him. He didn't respond back and an hour later, I looked on the hook up site he is on and it showed that he was online. I lost my temper and texted him, "so you can talk to strangers but you can't even tell me good night? Later, a**ho**." He wrote back that I was crazy and that he was getting tired of my s*** and that he was about done with me." He started saying that I was just like his ex-wife and kept comparing me to her every time we argued from that point.

 

I saw him on his work lunch break the next day and we talked in my car. He said that that he would no longer tolerate my multiple texting and callings and that me calling him an a-hole was unacceptable. I apologized. I then asked him why he wasn't responding and he said he was sleeping (which was a lie).

 

Later that week, I had gone out of town for ten days in late June and when I got back, he was more affectionate and was texting me often like he used to. That unfortunately died down. A couple of weeks later around the tenth of July, I texted him good morning around 9 AM. I waited a few hours and I still hadn't heard from him. I called him about 5 times in an hour with no answer. So I drove down to his house and his truck was there so I knocked on the door. I knocked a few times and heard nothing but the dog barking. I got worried sick that something had happened to him because he'd mentioned snorting coke with his cousin the other day. I kept thinking he'd overdosed on coke and that he died. I knocked on his bedroom window and the back door for twenty minutes. Then as I was heading back to my car, I heard the side garage door open and he came out looking very tired. I was actually happy to see him but he was all pissed off. He yelled and threatened to punch me for showing up to his house unannounced. I told him that I drove down to his house because I was worried sick about him. When I got back home, I texted him, "sorry for being a caring person and actually showing concern". He responded saying he was just pissed about me showing up announced and knocking for 20 minutes. Then I started thinking about the whole situation and I just became angry that he didn't appreciate the fact that I'd drove all the way down to check on him to make sure he was okay. I lost my temper and texted him "I went out of my way to check on you and that's the thanks I get? Well f*** you" and he blocked my number.

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Posted

PART 2:

 

I spent the next four days that he had my number blocked in a nervous wreck. I couldn't sleep, eat or function. I was just so bothered by the fact that he blocked my number and I was regretting going to his house to check on him. He only unblocked my number because I had gone down to his house one day after work and I talked to him about it. I called him after we talked and I apologized again for being verbally abusive towards him. Everything seemed to fine again after this. He invited me down to his house a couple of times and we had a lot of fun. Then last Wednesday, he blocked my number and I became really pissed about this. So I drove down to his house to confront him but he wasn't there. So I went back a few hours later and he was pissed with me again about showing up to his house unannounced. He was very quiet and would barely look at me. I kept trying to talk to him but he was hung up on me coming to his house unannounced. I started crying and asked him if I could call him later and he told me I could. A couple of hours passed and I called him but he still had my number blocked. I just ended up crying myself to sleep thinking he was never going to talk to me again. I was also very confused because we'd been getting along well and he all of a sudden bans me from contacting him. It was very strange.

 

I called out of work the next day and just wallowed. I spent the whole day depressed and kept contemplating suicide. In the evening, I wrote out a long letter for him telling him that I was sorry about everything, that I would always love him and that I never imagined that the Craigslist ad that I posted would lead us onto this journey. I drove out to his work and placed in the letter in his windshield. I called him around 9:30 that night

and we spoke on the phone for about half an hour. He said that I am the way I am and he just has to learn to accept it. He thought some time away from one another would be best and he said he apologized for not being so nice to me in the past. I was relieved but avoided contacting him for the next few days.

 

We saw each other again at church this past Sunday, we sat next to each other and he seemed happy to see me. He invited me to go to lunch with him and we talked some more about everything that had been going on in the past month or so and he asked me how I was feeling about everything. I thought, finally everything was okay and we could move on now.

 

I texted him Monday and Tuesdays mornings wishing him a good morning and asking him how he was and he would never answer me. I would have to call him a couple of times before I could get a hold of him. The day before yesterday, the same thing, expect he never answered my calls. I got frustrated and thought of anything to make him respond to me so I told him that I was going to kill myself and that it was nice knowing him. He responded by say "okay, see ya". I told him that I was tired of trying to be nice to people and being ignored, he wrote to me, "whatever, you make everything all about you. that's why we can't be together and p.s.: if you're going to commit suicide, don't tell me because I don't want to know". I apologized for doing this. He told me that I'm always saying I'm sorry but I do the same thing again. I ended up making an appointment with a psychologist for next Tuesday and told him but he said that all they're going to do is put me on more drugs and that only God can help me, not man nor medicine. I tried calling him that evening and asked him to call me. He said he was in a meeting and that he'd call me shortly after. I waited and waited but never heard from him.

 

Yesterday, he and I went on a trip with our church to the aquarium. I only went because he was going and I hoped we could bond a bit. We ended up having a good time and tagged me in a picture of himself that he took on the trip onto Facebook. I thought everything was finally good between us. After we left church, I called him but he didn't answer. So I texted him that I had a great time with him and everyone else with no response. Ten minutes later, I texted him asking if I could call him with no response again. I called him again an hour and a half later with no answer. I waited another half hour when I texted him asking if he was not in the mood to talk or if he was mad at me and I mentioned how I'd been trying to get in contact with him since we left church and I told him how we had a great time today so I was a little bit confused. I also told him that I was sorry for texting and calling him so much. He called me two minutes later. I answered the phone and said, "hello". He started off saying, this is the last damn time I will ever tell you about sending me ten messages in a row and I said "okay, I'm sorry" then he screamed that he wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't want to see me at church, or at his work, that he was going to block my number and remove me as a friend on Facebook. We both said bye and I blocked his number. I sort of went numb after this and just lied in bed and tried to pretend like that really didn't happen.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about what had happened last night and I actually started laughing at the way he acted. I've spent the whole day feeling pissed at him for the way he spoke to me last night and never wanting to speak to him again, to regretting sending him that text, to thinking that I need to focus solely on myself now to feeling sad because I miss and want to see him. I don't know what to do now. I'm just hoping that he just said that stuff he said to me out of anger and will feel bad after a few days. However, I can't help but feel that this whole thing is my fault. I couldn't leave him alone or give him space. I just had to keep stabbing at him and I just pushed him away. I hate how I get so attached to people and care too much about them and how it ends up hurting me in the long run. I really want to go by his work and see him but I'm scared he'll get mad at me. I hope that within time, he'll cool down and we can try to work things out. And he still does have my kayak at his house, so I don't know what will happen.

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