Lost the love of my life

[isolatedgothic]

After 25 years apart, an ex-boyfriend from my early 20s and I were able to reconcile. The chemistry was amazing for both of us. I was so happy to have him back and really believed that he was “the love of my life.”

 

Once the family had met me and accepted me, I decided to send him a relationship request on Facebook. He accepted it, but took it down 24 hours later. At first, he swore up and down that he did not take it down, that someone must have gotten on his work computer and removed it as a joke. However, he never put it back up … and it finally came out that his work buddies made so much fun of him that he took it down to shut them up. That troubled me a bit. Here we are, a middle aged couple, and we can’t let his work friends tease him about being in a relationship? They all knew about me. They all seemed to like me. I attended their events. Why the shame, and placating them this way? He would deflect, tell me he hated Facebook and wanted to take it down. I told him if his work friends were that invasive, then by all means, take it down. However, he never did.

 

A few months later, he added an ex-girlfriend from his past, one who had broken his heart years ago and who had nearly driven him to suicide over the break up [he dated her before he dated me 25 years ago.] When I asked him why he added her, he lied and said he didn’t. He said he had no idea how she got onto his Facebook page. It was magic, I guess. At the same time, he started keeping his cell phone well away from me, hiding it from me if he got a message, and frantically grabbing for it if I happened to touch it. Turns out he had her phone number in his cell phone. When I asked him how he got her number, he said it must have come in from the iPhone cloud, because he didn’t even know it was in his phone.

 

Then, the bitter arguments began. Anything he could find that was dear to me, he would pick on and criticize. He would make bigoted remarks, racist remarks, over and over again, knowing that it bothered me to hear him being so horrible about other people. When I would ask him to please stop, he would just keep going and going. I had to learn to say nothing, because if he picked up on something that bothered me, he’d start criticizing it and arguing with me over it. Finally, he started criticizing my adult daughter and my parenting skills, comparing her to his own daughter who is perfect in his eyes, and his parenting skills which were ideal. I couldn’t take it anymore, and stormed out of his house in a real embarrassing blaze of anger. I am ashamed of my anger, but I couldn’t take the picking anymore and I felt like I had been sent over the edge.

 

I am very suspicious that he picked on me and started these arguments in the hopes that I would break up with him, so he would have an excuse return to this former love who mysteriously appeared on his Facebook and in his iPhone. I have not heard from him in over a week, and all I can do is picture them together, happy, laughing at how crazy I am, and enjoying each other. I am really, really struggling with all of this. He denied everything, yet it all seems so obvious. I guess I tell you all this because I am in a lot of pain, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I loved him so much, but am so confused by the secrecy, and the outward hostility towards the things that I loved. I am just so very confused and sad.

[qubist]

I'm so sorry you are feeling down, you love him but he lacked respect for you which is a key to any successful relationship. you guys also lacked another important key in your R which is communication, I wished you had just talked about your concerns with him openly. as of right now you should focus on yourself, pain takes time to ease. if he really loves you he will reach out to you again otherwise if he's that fake and was pretending all the time then it is better for you that he isn't with you any more. you gotta be proud of yourself not tolerating disrespect. if he ever reach out to you make sure to be honest with him regarding how disrespectful he was to you

for now focus on you, try to do something different go out have fun.

[JADIE]

Frankly, it sounds like you didn't lose much and the real love of your life is still out there somewhere. The love of your life is not some sadistic cruel spineless evasive abusive sneaky gutless bastard not man enough to tell you he used you as a placemarker 'til he could reunite with his previous ex. The true love of your life will be a man with flaws no doubt, but he won't use his shortcomings to belittle, demean, degrade or purposely hurt you...he will hold you next to his heart til this other jerk is a distant bad dream...

 

I know it's very hard, but chin up and onward...this guy was NOT it.

[aloneinaz]

Frankly, it sounds like you didn't lose much and the real love of your life is still out there somewhere. The love of your life is not some sadistic cruel spineless evasive abusive sneaky gutless bastard not man enough to tell you he used you as a placemarker 'til he could reunite with his previous ex. The true love of your life will be a man with flaws no doubt, but he won't use his shortcomings to belittle, demean, degrade or purposely hurt you...he will hold you next to his heart til this other jerk is a distant bad dream...

 

I know it's very hard, but chin up and onward...this guy was NOT it.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking OP when I read what you wrote. Change your thinking! A love of your life is someone who is there for you thru thick and thin. He'd take a bullet for you and NEVER make you feel bad about yourself. This guy was the "nightmare of your life"..

 

 

I can't see how you'd possibly even consider ever speaking to this douche bag again. You should HOPE he's back with his ex who ripped his heart out cause she'll probably do it again.

 

 

What you need to do is read the NC thread and VANISH from this persons life. BLOCK him on all social media and ignore ANY attempts by him to contact you.

 

 

As another middle age person, I can tell you there's MILLIONS of others like us out there looking for someone great to spend the rest of our lives with. Don't "settle" for anything but awesome either.

[isolatedgothic]

I read the NC guide and have actually done NC in the past, but never thought I'd do it to this guy. So deleting/blocking him from Facebook is the right thing to do? Do I then do this to his other family members, including his daughter? It bothers me that he will see deleting his daughter as some kind of cruel smack in the face to her, but I also know she runs and tells him everything. She even called her own mother "crazy," but I am starting to see how her mother got to "crazy," because I feel like I am following in her footsteps in so many ways.

 

While I was busy making friends with his family and including them in my life, he was busy making friends with his ex-girlfriend and her family members on Facebook ... it just hurts so much that we seemed so deeply in love, and he marched away from me so easily. I wanted to be part of his family, and they were all so nice to me, but I know that in the end, they will pick sides, and it won't be mine. I will be yet another dirty ex of his. This is truly the death of a dream, or as one put it, a "nightmare."

[Fleur de cactus]

If you want to hear from him, go NC , block him everywhere. He will not be happy to see that you don't care and he will try to reach you. However, don't block him to try to get back together, block him for good. He is a liar. He does not respect you. He devalued you by insulting your intelligent saying that he does not know who took you of his facebook wall, or how the ex's number got in his phone. You saw the signs!

 

Don,t regret storming out, you did the right thing. You are not losing anything really. You deserves a good man.

[Fleur de cactus]

Forget about his daughter and family members. Right now you have to think about yourself. Don't try to satisfy others or protect the girl from questioning about the whole situation. People take a break from FB anyway, and take it down, hide it for a while. why don't you do the same thing?

 

Continuing interaction with the group will continue to hurt you. they will report to him and you will check on what is going on, which is depressing for you. I don't see any support you will receive from his family. I know you love him, but he is not worth it. I am telling you, cry, grieve, heal and move on. Don't waste you time and life with him.

[Gus Grimly]

I read the NC guide and have actually done NC in the past, but never thought I'd do it to this guy. So deleting/blocking him from Facebook is the right thing to do? Do I then do this to his other family members, including his daughter?

 

You gotta block the FB page of anyone associated with him that you might find yourself having an urge to visit. Block his Phone #, e-mail address, Instagram, FB, and anything else that will remind you or give you updates on him. It's hard I know, but you have to walk away.

 

You really do deserve better. We all do.

[aloneinaz]

Yes, what fleur said.

 

 

You need to delete anyone that's know him from FB. When my last ex and I broke up and I vanished from her life, I "cleansed" my FB. All her family members, friends, etc... were GONE from FB.

 

 

You don't need to be worried about what anyone thinks, especially him and his family or friends. They'll get that you're DONE with him and this is what people do to heal and move on.

[isolatedgothic]

Small update on my situation. We have been no contact now for 11 days. I am sad that there has been nothing, no apology, no contact, nothing from him. It confirms my suspicions that he is happily distracted by another, otherwise I feel he would miss me as much as I miss him.

 

At any rate, I was trying to do some errands yesterday, when I passed him on the highway running through my town. He was going the opposite direction and I could see his face turning to look at me, but I just kept looking straight ahead. Next thing I know, I see his car following me. He has a very distinct color of car, so I am sure it was him. He was careful not to get right behind me, but kept a car or two between us, but changed lanes as I would change lanes. After a mile or so of this, I decided to make a sudden turn into a housing edition and get lost on him.

 

While it was flattering to think that I might still be on his mind so much that he had to follow me, it was also ... creepy. I mean, how about a text, or a phone call? What is the point of a man following you like that, and what did he honestly hope to accomplish? To see me going out to pick up cat food? What's the point of it?

[Realitycol]

Small update on my situation. We have been no contact now for 11 days. I am sad that there has been nothing, no apology, no contact, nothing from him. It confirms my suspicions that he is happily distracted by another, otherwise I feel he would miss me as much as I miss him.

 

At any rate, I was trying to do some errands yesterday, when I passed him on the highway running through my town. He was going the opposite direction and I could see his face turning to look at me, but I just kept looking straight ahead. Next thing I know, I see his car following me. He has a very distinct color of car, so I am sure it was him. He was careful not to get right behind me, but kept a car or two between us, but changed lanes as I would change lanes. After a mile or so of this, I decided to make a sudden turn into a housing edition and get lost on him.

 

While it was flattering to think that I might still be on his mind so much that he had to follow me, it was also ... creepy. I mean, how about a text, or a phone call? What is the point of a man following you like that, and what did he honestly hope to accomplish? To see me going out to pick up cat food? What's the point of it?

 

Okay first off, I really can't stop myself from cringing from "love of my life," if someone is the love of your life they won't leave.

 

You're sad that you got nothing out of him in 11 days of NC, which is understandable, but 11 days is NOTHING. One of my ex in the past HATED me 2 months after BU and had negative thoughts of me.

 

Some people forgive faster than others. Everybody's healing process is different. The end result is the same though, they heal.

 

You're upset you haven't heard a peep, back on topic, why are you holding such high expectations? Because you shared a relationship, well darn but it's OVER. He owes you NOTHING.

 

Maybe he followed you to see if you're dating someone, as a guy that's the first thing that would come to my mind, but heck it could be ANYTHING. Honestly, when I run into ex I just greet them, of course I've moved on and healed completely and living a great life and I hold no grudge. Hopefully you two reach that point one day. Where you've both let go and HEALED. Can look back together one day and LAUGH at how young and childish you two were.