Author ljn1650 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 So he broke up with me saying he thought he wanted a serious relationship, but actually doesn't. I'm feeling very hurt but I guess now I know.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 So he broke up with me saying he thought he wanted a serious relationship, but actually doesn't. I'm feeling very hurt but I guess now I know. I'm sorry. (((hug))) You can't find your prince until you've kissed a few frogs first. Stay positive, there are lots of sweet, sexy guys who won't pull that crap.
anna121 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm sorry ljn. I suspect he needed to take back control and when you didn't jump to his texts he decided to bring down the hammer. Block him now, and if you happen to run into each other at some point be polite but very distant. In the meantime, be good to yourself and look for other dates.
Author ljn1650 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 So it's been 5 days since he said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship as it wouldn't be fair on me. He thought he was ready, but is not. I'm really struggling with motivation and have gone into a bit of a depression. It doesn't fill me with hope that someone can get to know me, and still not be interested. I don't see the point in future relationships if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't see how someone would change their mind overnight if there wasn't something wrong with me. We haven't spoken since, I said perhaps it was best we don't speak to avoid confusion. Being broken up reminds me how boring my life is in reality, and I just need some advice on how to deal with this and not to take it personally - because I'm lumping all the blame on me which is very unhealthy. I'm analysing what I did wrong and it's making me miserable.
lana-banana Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 It doesn't fill me with hope that someone can get to know me, and still not be interested. Think about what you're saying. Do you fall in love with everyone you meet? We are all different people, with our own thoughts and needs and preferences. Haven't you ever dated someone and thought "geez, he's a catch, he's just not for me"? You can't take this guy's lack of interest as a reflection on you personally. He just decided you weren't the one for him. That's a good thing. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you more than peanut butter. I don't see the point in future relationships if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't see how someone would change their mind overnight if there wasn't something wrong with me. First of all, don't ever say that. And he didn't change his mind overnight. He was probably trying to talk himself into feelings he didn't have, which happens sometimes when you're in denial. At three months you barely know each other and are just beginning to get a sense of how you are together. Like many people here, I've been in relationships that seemed good but fizzled out right at the three-month mark when one or both of us decided it wasn't right. It's very common and it has nothing to do with you. Seriously though, if I catch you talking that way again I'm going to send you to bed without dinner. Being broken up reminds me how boring my life is in reality, and I just need some advice on how to deal with this and not to take it personally - because I'm lumping all the blame on me which is very unhealthy. I'm analysing what I did wrong and it's making me miserable. Happily ever after relationships, the ones where they marry and have kids and stay together forever, aren't about things like this. Even people in happy relationships do the wrong thing ALL THE TIME. I assure you there are nights when Prince Charming takes like 35 extra minutes to get them home because he didn't want to sit on the freeway and Snow White is like "for Christ's sake you're just wasting gas at this point" and Prince Charming is all "at least I'm not sitting in traffic and besides if you work out the miles per gallon versus driving or crawling it's basically the same" and Snow White is like "that's not how it works" and they get into a snippy argument about fuel economy. But they don't love each other any less. You didn't do anything wrong here. Like he said, it's not about you. He didn't feel the connection he was hoping for and there's nothing you could have done or said to have changed that. Dating is all about finding the one for whom you feel it, mutually, and together you ride into Happily Ever After. Just don't take the freeway. 3
BluEyeL Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Most men who are not ready, are really not ready and some may never be. If you look at his history and behavior, you'll find clues that it really was him and you two couldn't have worked out. I had similar things happening to me, including someone who dumped me at 3 months. Now when I am in a happy relationship, I can see clearly why none of the previous ones have worked out. I even found myself struggling to remember the 3 months' guy's name when writing an email to a friend. He's sooo much forgotten. So time will heal you. To answer your question, I can tell you how I coped with this type of rejection when I was dating. Every morning when I was waking up I was saying to myself "I'm beautiful, I'm kind, I'm smart, men love me, I deserve the best. People who don't lilke me are stupid and I don't care for stupid people". Although some of this is a bit over the top, saying it over and over helped me. Knowing I didn't intentionally harm anyone, and I'm a good person, I couldn't possibly feel rejected personally. I said to myself every morning, this, then I remembered all of the good things in my life. I tried to fill my time with interesting things, make more friends etc. Don't sit on your butt feeling sorry about yourself. It's up to you to have a good life. Forget the loser, he's a loser because he lost you. Get up, dust yourself off and go out and make connections with people, do things that will make you feel good about yourself and never give up ! Hugs!
Author ljn1650 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) Think about what you're saying. Do you fall in love with everyone you meet? We are all different people, with our own thoughts and needs and preferences. Haven't you ever dated someone and thought "geez, he's a catch, he's just not for me"? You can't take this guy's lack of interest as a reflection on you personally. He just decided you weren't the one for him. That's a good thing. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you more than peanut butter. First of all, don't ever say that. And he didn't change his mind overnight. He was probably trying to talk himself into feelings he didn't have, which happens sometimes when you're in denial. At three months you barely know each other and are just beginning to get a sense of how you are together. Like many people here, I've been in relationships that seemed good but fizzled out right at the three-month mark when one or both of us decided it wasn't right. It's very common and it has nothing to do with you. Seriously though, if I catch you talking that way again I'm going to send you to bed without dinner. Happily ever after relationships, the ones where they marry and have kids and stay together forever, aren't about things like this. Even people in happy relationships do the wrong thing ALL THE TIME. I assure you there are nights when Prince Charming takes like 35 extra minutes to get them home because he didn't want to sit on the freeway and Snow White is like "for Christ's sake you're just wasting gas at this point" and Prince Charming is all "at least I'm not sitting in traffic and besides if you work out the miles per gallon versus driving or crawling it's basically the same" and Snow White is like "that's not how it works" and they get into a snippy argument about fuel economy. But they don't love each other any less. You didn't do anything wrong here. Like he said, it's not about you. He didn't feel the connection he was hoping for and there's nothing you could have done or said to have changed that. Dating is all about finding the one for whom you feel it, mutually, and together you ride into Happily Ever After. Just don't take the freeway. I can't say I have ever felt that way, as this is the first guy I have ever really dated for an extended amount of time. This somehow feels worse than sleeping with someone then the slow fade, as they have made a judgement about your personality and decided to end it. Made worse by it being your first relationship. There's no one to be mad at - just questions about why you weren't good enough to be committed to, and I feel his reason was just an excuse so I can't get closure on the situation. See where I am coming from? I have had previous experiences where a guy has said he doesn't want a relationship then gone on to get a girlfriend almost immediately. These weren't even fully fledged relationships - so I really can't win either way. I'm terrified of him going on to someone else and being humiliated again. Edited August 16, 2015 by ljn1650
lana-banana Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I can't say I have ever felt that way, as this is the first guy I have ever really dated for an extended amount of time. This somehow feels worse than sleeping with someone then the slow fade, as they have made a judgement about your personality and decided to end it. Made worse by it being your first relationship. There's no one to be mad at - just questions about why you weren't good enough to be committed to, and I feel his reason was just an excuse so I can't get closure on the situation. See where I am coming from? Of course, but it's not about not being good enough to commit to or anything like that. It's just a matter of it not being a good fit. I really love anchovies and I love bourbon, but they don't necessarily work well together. That doesn't make either of them defective on their own. Three months is no time at all, and the whole point of those early months is figuring it out. I have had previous experiences where a guy has said he doesn't want a relationship then gone on to get a girlfriend almost immediately. These weren't even fully fledged relationships - so I really can't win either way. I'm terrified of him going on to someone else and being humiliated again. Well, yes. Of course he'll go on to someone else, just as you will. When a guy says "I don't want a relationship" what he's saying is he doesn't want a relationship with you. Everyone is ready when they meet the right person. I'm a little concerned that you've never met someone you liked but knew wasn't good for you, but you're still very young. That discretion is a fundamental part of dating. The world is full of awesome men who aren't necessarily awesome for us. 1
Author ljn1650 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 wow, i didn't think i'd need such ongoing advice with this. it's been a week since the last update and, despite me asking for no contact, he sent me a whatsapp message saying 'hope you're ok' - i didn't think this necessarily warranted a response so I left it and didn't fully open the message. He then sent an SMS with the exact same message an hour later,so is clearly after a response. How do I deal with this? My gut is telling me he is trying to make himself feel better - should I leave it for tonight?
katiegrl Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 wow, i didn't think i'd need such ongoing advice with this. it's been a week since the last update and, despite me asking for no contact, he sent me a whatsapp message saying 'hope you're ok' - i didn't think this necessarily warranted a response so I left it and didn't fully open the message. He then sent an SMS with the exact same message an hour later,so is clearly after a response. How do I deal with this? My gut is telling me he is trying to make himself feel better - should I leave it for tonight? Oh man that would annoy me. How freakin condescending, what did he think...you were gonna fall to pieces because he ended the relationship? lol If it were me, I would text him back "Yes I'm fabulous, why wouldn't I be? Hope you're well to. CYA! :)"
Jejangles Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 wow, i didn't think i'd need such ongoing advice with this. it's been a week since the last update and, despite me asking for no contact, he sent me a whatsapp message saying 'hope you're ok' - i didn't think this necessarily warranted a response so I left it and didn't fully open the message. He then sent an SMS with the exact same message an hour later,so is clearly after a response. How do I deal with this? My gut is telling me he is trying to make himself feel better - should I leave it for tonight? Yes, leave it. And not just for the night, leave it for good. It's not even a question, it doesn't warrant a response. He's probably emotionally unavailable and so now he's more interested again because you have backed off. If you respond there's a chance you'll end up dating again. So just forget him, block him if you want, and move on. 1
Empyrea Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 He's DEFINITELY just trying to make himself feel better. But you can approach it from either angle - 1) ignore him completely, which is fine, he'll get over it, but might get the impression he hurt your feelings; or 2) reply on a cheery note like someone suggested with a simple 'great thanks, hope you're well' or something to that effect. Just try to refrain from entering into a dialogue with him - that would make him feel a whole lot better and you feel a whole lot worse - NOT NECESSARY. So don't ask any questions in return or if he replies again, ignore. You've put him out of your mind and he should stay there.
Author ljn1650 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 So since the last update, I never actually responded to him despite him clearly wanting a response. I have felt good about it, but today I have started to feel guilty and rude. Or scared that he was trying to reach out and I ruined a chance - silly I know. I know deep down he was doing it because he was bored, but I can't help feel bad. I just REALLY don't want to engage him because it will be too painful if he then doesn't reply back. I don't want to sit there and think when, why he will reply. Given how he ended it, am I being rude in not responding to his messages? I haven't heard from him since. I've been missing him and the connection/intimacy. Feeling lonely and need motivation to continue NC!!!
Oregon_Dude Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 ljn, no, you're not being rude by not responding. As others here have told you, HE broke up with YOU, so you don't owe him sh*t. I agree with katie, that his text was condescending and he wanted essentially to see if he still had you on the hook. He's probably feeling a little guilty. The balls on some of these people, to break up with us and then still bother us with these breadcrumbs.. it's amazing to me. I got a similar text from my ex the other day.. "I really hope you're doing well!" It's insulting. Of course I'm not doing well, but don't flatter yourself that just because you left, I'm sitting around crying and using my tears as lube. My deal is a lot like yours - she and I dated for 3 months, and it felt apart after she didn't know what she wanted and neglected me emotionally, physically. As tough as it is, try to see the whole situation with a sense of humor. From outside your body, perhaps. Look! It's me moping again, feeling sorry for myself. In just a few months, I'm going to look back on this me and see how pathetic I was for wasting mental energy on someone who is confused, not right for me, and in-communicative. You will be fine, and so will I. But the feelings will come, and just feel them for a while. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) PS. Unless you get a text from an ex that says the following: "I am really sorry for the way I treated you. I miss you and care about you deeply, and would really appreciate the chance to make it up to you. I want us to be together. Please forgive me." ... then whatever else they say is bullsh*t that is something to ignore. I don't fully rule out second chances, but they have to make it clear to you that they've done soul-searching, were wrong, are sorry and want to try again. Repeat: anything other than that, is to ease their OWN guilt. It really has nothing to do with YOU. Edited August 20, 2015 by Oregon_Dude
Author ljn1650 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 So, I'd been doing really well. Even feeling good about the situation and accepting it - like yeah, you know what, it was actually for the best. No contact, and not responding to his double 'hope you're ok' message really had worked wonders and made it all easier. However,one of our mutual friends spoke to him a couple of days ago, and after he told her we were over he proceeded to tell her I had cut him out of his life (since I ignored his messages) saying 'which I think is a shame because we get on do well' - errm HE DUMPED ME!! Am I missing something here? Now I feel guilty and that he's trying to prevent himself from looking like the bad guy to our friends. I would never bad mouth him to anyone so this is ridiculous and he knows better that I hate drama (which is why I instigated NC) How can move on when he continues to do this, contact me, send smoke signals through friends? He said he didn't want any kind of relationship so what on earth does he expect from me? This is causing me to get upset about it all again. Am j wrong to not want to be his friend?
Empyrea Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 That's great! Think about it, if you had stayed in his life as some sort of a friendzoned backup, you'd always be left wanting more. This way, you were firm, you laid down the law. It's all or nothing, buddy. Which is what self respecting women looking for relationships are always recommended to do. And it worked in the sense that it looks like you got under his skin a little bit (dramatically saying you cut him out of his life when really you just didn't answer a few inane messages) and he's missing you (saying you got along well). It doesn't mean he'll reconsider, but it's definitely the preferred option of how you'd want to come out of a situation like this. You did good!
Leigh 87 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Lol. He thinks you get along so well. In a platonic sense. Great. So he wants you to stick around as a friend so he doesn't have to miss you ( just because he isn't that into you romantically he still misses you as a person) so he can ideally have you around while he seeks out the right person. Come on. As if you WANT to be hanging about a man who wasn't that into you, when he finds a girl he's smitten with? You won't be happy for him and you will most certainly be jealous and/ or sad.
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