Does he want to end it?

[ljn1650]

LOL, you're right. Many men are just cowards and pull the fade and disappear when they feel uncertain/ambivalent.

 

That way the woman WON'T ever know how "indecisive* and "frail" he is .....she'll just think he's an insensitive douchebag, I guess they think that's better than her thinking he's an *indecisive frail little thing who needs to be treated with kid gloves."

 

That'll teach him to never be honest and open about how he's feeling.

 

With your attitude, no wonder so many men prefer to just fade/disappear instead of sharing with their partner that they need some space and why.

 

Good job!!!!

 

ETA: And who said anything about her respecting and tolerating it? Where did you get that? Most, if not all, of us told her to consider it over and move on!

 

No she should not tolerate it. Try to *understand* the behavior, yes. But no not tolerate it. No one said that.

 

Thank you for your kind yet honest words. I actually deleted his number as soon as we hung up the phone so there is no way I could contact him first, even if I wanted to. Never experienced this before, as this has been my first relationship so it's s bit of a blow to the self esteem. I've experienced the slow fade with othersguys I had been sleeping with and was hoping for more - but not from an invested relationship where I went on holiday with the boy. Do you think the extended time together triggered his anxiety?

[katiegrl]

Thank you for your kind yet honest words. I actually deleted his number as soon as we hung up the phone so there is no way I could contact him first, even if I wanted to. Never experienced this before, as this has been my first relationship so it's s bit of a blow to the self esteem. I've experienced the slow fade with othersguys I had been sleeping with and was hoping for more - but not from an invested relationship where I went on holiday with the boy. Do you think the extended time together triggered his anxiety?

 

Yes I do. It was *too much too soon* for HIM.

 

If it's any consolation, I am sure he is feeling quite crappy about his reaction, especially since he acknowledged HE was the one pushing it forward.

 

It sounds like he could have some commitment fears too ... and the closer he gets to a woman, the more freaked out he gets! Which would explain his anxiety immediately after returning from a long holiday with you. It was too close for comfort ....as they say.

 

Trust me hon, it was NOT you!

 

I am glad you deleted his number! Although I do understand his behavior to a point, you should not tolerate it .....you deserve better.

 

And if what happened with my ex happened to me now, I am not sure I would be so forgiving.

 

It will get better ....I promise.

 

((hugs))

Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl

[ljn1650]

Yes I do. It was *too much too soon* for HIM.

 

If it's any consolation, I am sure he is feeling quite crappy about his reaction, especially since he acknowledged HE was the one pushing it forward.

 

It sounds like he could have some commitment fears too ... and the closer he gets to a woman, the more freaked out he gets! Which would explain his anxiety immediately after returning from a long holiday with you. It was too close for comfort ....as they say.

 

Trust me hon, it was NOT you!

 

I am glad you deleted his number! Although I do understand his behavior to a point, you should not tolerate it .....you deserve better.

 

And if what happened with my ex happened to me now, I am not sure I would be so forgiving.

 

It will get better ....I promise.

 

((hugs))

 

So, he just messaged me after 5 days to say 'are you ok? X' - I don't see why this is necessary if he wants to end it, especially after nearly a week. Any advice on what I should do/say?!

[Snakechammah]

If I were you, sweetie, I'd just delete the text. No reply.

 

Not to be vindictive but to genuinely MOVE ON. You deleted his number for a reason - and remember that reason. To go back into that emotional rollercoaster where he dumped you is not giving yourself time to heal. Say no to breadcrumbs.

 

He has made his bed and now he has to lie on it.

 

That ship has sailed. There are many other MEN (not boys) who knows what they want and will reciprocate your love respectfully.

 

All the best!

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's almost insulting. Why wouldn't you be OK?

 

Don't respond.

[veggirl]

IF you decide to respond to that text (I understand it would be difficult not to if you like him), I would just say "I'm good. You?" or something short like that.

[katiegrl]

IF you decide to respond to that text (I understand it would be difficult not to if you like him), I would just say "I'm good. You?" or something short like that.

 

I agree. Except I would not say "and you?" I would just say "I'm good thanks.". And that's it! And not right away. Wait a day. Don't engage him. Let that rubber band stretch!

 

He messaged you because now that he's gotten some space (which he asked for, remember?), he is starting to miss you.

 

His "are you okay," was not meant to be insulting. I am thinking HE may not okay and he's projecting. It was akin to "hey, how are you"? Just a way to break the ice.

Edited August 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[ljn1650]

I agree. Except I would not say "and you?" I would just say "I'm good thanks.". And that's it! And not right away. Wait a day. Don't engage him. Let that rubber band stretch!

 

He messaged you because now that he's gotten some space (which he asked for, remember?), he is starting to miss you.

 

His "are you okay," was not meant to be insulting. I am thinking HE may not okay and he's projecting. It was akin to "hey, how are you"? Just a way to break the ice.

 

I haven't messaged back yet, despite him seeing I have read the message. My concerns are, he is just asking me this to assuage his guilt and the fact that we have 2 mutual friends and doesn't want to look a ****ty guy in front of them. I worry if I respond he will then ignore me again - leaving me more hurt. It's given me fake hope which I think is unfair. I am going to think on it and get some stuff done instead.

[Empyrea]

Good call on not messaging back immediately!

 

And I agree that if you do reply, just say you're well but don't ask anything in return - that way you will maintain the upper hand and not have to obsess over whether or not he replies. He's just doing this because he feels guilty and while I would feel uncomfortable with not replying at all (because after all he was honest with you, no need for hostility), I wouldn't want to come across as too friendly. A slight degree of guilt on his part wouldn't go amiss.

[BluEyeL]

It could indeed be that it happened that it was too much to spend 7 days (if I remember correctly) together at this stage.

 

Based on my own dating experience, I think it is true what they say, that women fall in love in a man's presence, while men equate longing with love, so they fall in love in our absence. This is why giving him (and any guy) lots of space is the best way to deal in a relationship. In the future, don't go on trips longer than a weekend until way into the relationship, after he declared his love and you spend most of your free time together.

 

I think he started to miss you, for one, and doesn't want to feel like a bad guy, second. He's wondering why you're not blowing up his phone by this time. Good for you for not texting/calling him and giving him all the space he needs. Respond later that you're fine, thanks, and that's it.

[katiegrl]

It could indeed be that it happened that it was too much to spend 7 days (if I remember correctly) together at this stage.

 

Based on my own dating experience, I think it is true what they say, that women fall in love in a man's presence, while men equate longing with love, so they fall in love in our absence. This is why giving him (and any guy) lots of space is the best way to deal in a relationship. In the future, don't go on trips longer than a weekend until way into the relationship, after he declared his love and you spend most of your free time together.

 

I think he started to miss you, for one, and doesn't want to feel like a bad guy, second.

 

----

 

****He's wondering why you're not blowing up his phone by this time***

 

----

 

 

. Good for you for not texting/calling him and giving him all the space he needs. Respond later that you're fine, thanks, and that's it.

 

^^This! Well said Blu ...and the quote in asterisk -- right on!

[RebelWithoutACause]

I wouldn't read too much into that message. If he had anything important to say, if he'd had a change of heart about you, he would have sent something more substantial, something like "hey, I've been thinking, lets meet and talk" or along those lines.

 

Sending what's essentially a "what's up" msg is not serious considering the situation. He is just trying to gauge where you stand in regards to him. Out of curiosity or ego, or because you have mutual friends.

 

A short reply, if any, is what is deserved.

[ljn1650]

So I just replied hours later saying 'hi, I'm good thanks'. We'll see what happens.

 

I won't count on him though - I guess I just needed to know whether he was upset about the situation or not. I suppose it doesn't really matter!

[katiegrl]

I wouldn't read too much into that message. If he had anything important to say, if he'd had a change of heart about you, he would have sent something more substantial, something like

 

 

***"hey, I've been thinking, lets meet and talk" or along those lines.***

 

Sending what's essentially a "what's up" msg is not serious considering the situation. He is just trying to gauge where you stand in regards to him. Out of curiosity or ego, or because you have mutual friends.

 

A short reply, if any, is what is deserved.

 

Quote in asterisk above -- give him time, he will!!!!

 

He is just starting to miss her, wondering about her ...and taking baby steps right now to gauge a reaction.

 

OP, do not give him one! A simple "I'm great, thanks" will suffice. Be as *indifferent* as possible and let that rubber band stretch .... until he can't stand it anymore, and is begging to have you back!

 

It's up to you whether you want him back.....it's a risk cause as soon as he gets too close again, he may need to pull away again.

 

He may not though....it's a gamble.

[katiegrl]

So I just replied hours later saying 'hi, I'm good thanks'. We'll see what happens.

 

I won't count on him though - I guess I just needed to know whether he was upset about the situation or not. I suppose it doesn't really matter!

 

Perfect. Keep us posted.

[ljn1650]

So he's seen the message and no response as suspected! The support on here has been great, thanks guys x

[katiegrl]

So he's seen the message and no response as suspected! The support on here has been great, thanks guys x

 

You are smart to move on, but my guess is he will respond back at some point.

 

Have you considered just blocking him? This way when he responds, you won't be tempted to over-think it and text back.

 

Makes it easier to move on imo.

[RebelWithoutACause]

So he's seen the message and no response as suspected! The support on here has been great, thanks guys x

 

Well, your reply didn't require a response, you didn't ask anything back, so it's not a surprise he hasn't sent another msg right away.

 

He's trying to figure out where you stand and getting the cold shoulder from you is telling him that you're pissed off and/or hurt. But the bottom line is if his motivation for contacting you was about getting back together he would have gone about it differently. He'll keep feeding you these crumbs of hope without anything ever coming out of it, keeping you dangling on the hook in order to make himself feel better.

 

If you have zero tolerance policy to BS at the early stages of dating you'll save yourself a lot of trouble in the long run.

[Strahatmak]

So I just replied hours later saying 'hi, I'm good thanks'. We'll see what happens.

 

I won't count on him though - I guess I just needed to know whether he was upset about the situation or not. I suppose it doesn't really matter!

 

I ignored my date's message for at least 12 hours. Your responding time seems too soon.

 

But in your case, if I were you, I'd totally ignored his message and rather whined with some friends and bought lots of drinks, because responding or not doesn't seem a different for him, sorry to say that.

[BluEyeL]

I also think he'll send a more substantial message later. And it could be days, weeks or even months later.

 

However, with this type, I think that in the long run it will not work out. You could even end up dating him for a while, but, with the obligatory exceptions, I don't think that once a guy pulls one of these on you, he's the one for you on the long run. You'll need to do all this push-pull crap forever and he'll do this again. You're young, why deal with this crap instead of finding a better boyfriend and being adored? I'd just move on. So many men, so little time to waste on the wishy-washy ones.

[ljn1650]

I also think he'll send a more substantial message later. And it could be days, weeks or even months later.

 

However, with this type, I think that in the long run it will not work out. You could even end up dating him for a while, but, with the obligatory exceptions, I don't think that once a guy pulls one of these on you, he's the one for you on the long run. You'll need to do all this push-pull crap forever and he'll do this again. You're young, why deal with this crap instead of finding a better boyfriend and being adored? I'd just move on. So many men, so little time to waste on the wishy-washy ones.

 

I completely understand what you are saying, and I will try my best. It's just I feel responsible in that I didn't pace his excitement and say no to the holiday in the first place. It's hard to let it go, when I think how things could still be okay now had we not holidayed together too soon and he hadn't got freaked out. I still want to know where we stand in relation to each other myself, as it's difficult to consider that your first relationship can turn his feelings off like that and not care - then to rub it in by continuing to contact me. It's taking a lot of will-power and strength to not be more forthcoming with him and tell him I am feeling, as I know it simply isn't worth the hurt of not getting the reaction I want.

[BluEyeL]

I completely understand what you are saying, and I will try my best. It's just I feel responsible in that I didn't pace his excitement and say no to the holiday in the first place. It's hard to let it go, when I think how things could still be okay now had we not holidayed together too soon and he hadn't got freaked out. I still want to know where we stand in relation to each other myself, as it's difficult to consider that your first relationship can turn his feelings off like that and not care - then to rub it in by continuing to contact me. It's taking a lot of will-power and strength to not be more forthcoming with him and tell him I am feeling, as I know it simply isn't worth the hurt of not getting the reaction I want.

 

I understand it's hard. He will come to you. I had one wishy-washy one like that come back over one year later. If you can't just move on, best way to make it happen is to completely leave him alone. Of course you can't be staring at the clock for three months, so I'd live my life anyway in the meantime. That could include dating others.

[katiegrl]

I also think he'll send a more substantial message later. And it could be days, weeks or even months later.

 

However, with this type, I think that in the long run it will not work out. You could even end up dating him for a while, but, with the obligatory exceptions, I don't think that once a guy pulls one of these on you, he's the one for you on the long run. You'll need to do all this push-pull crap forever and he'll do this again. You're young, why deal with this crap instead of finding a better boyfriend and being adored? I'd just move on. So many men, so little time to waste on the wishy-washy ones.

 

 

I agree with this^^... and when this happened to me with my ex (first) boyfriend, I handled it very different and in turn, so did he.

 

 

When he told me he felt uncertain and ambivalent (not those exact words), I told him fine.... take as much as much space as you need. In the meantime, I plan on going on with my life, including dating other guys.

 

 

Don't contact me again until you know FOR SURE you want to go forward to have a relationship with me. I will be fine either way.

 

 

And I meant it! And he KNEW I meant it.

 

 

He did not contact me for three weeks, but when he did, he called me wanting to see me and talk (just like Rebel said). He said he really misses me, and realized how much he loved me (yes he told me he loved me) and for SURE wanted a relationship with me....no doubt in his mind.

 

 

I STILL did not make it all that easy for him....I told him I didn't know and would think about it....I was not sure I could trust him and was afraid he would do it again.

 

 

He spent like the next two weeks trying to convince me to trust him... I finally did and we were together four YEARS after that...and he never pulled that shyt again.

 

 

OP, with YOUR guy, he is being a complete wiezel IMO. Sending you elusive messages asking if you're okay...feeling you out, testing the waters.

 

 

He STILL does not know what he wants...and he should NOT have contacted you until he did!

 

 

But he wants to know that YOU still want him! That's why he sent the text. Totally selfish on his part.

 

 

I would completely ignore him going forward. I think he may be a commitment phobe and IMO commitment phobes are gutless wonders..

 

 

Your guy seems like a classic case. Move on.

Edited August 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[ljn1650]

I agree with this^^... and when this happened to me with my ex (first) boyfriend, I handled it very different and in turn, so did he.

 

 

When he told me he felt uncertain and ambivalent (not those exact words), I told him fine.... take as much as much space as you need. In the meantime, I plan on going on with my life, including dating other guys.

 

 

Don't contact me again until you know FOR SURE you want to go forward to have a relationship with me. I will be fine either way.

 

 

And I meant it! And he KNEW I meant it.

 

 

He did not contact me for three weeks, but when he did, he called me wanting to see me and talk (just like Rebel said). He said he really misses me, and realized how much he loved me (yes he told me he loved me) and for SURE wanted a relationship with me....no doubt in his mind.

 

 

I STILL did not make it all that easy for him....I told him I didn't know and would think about it....I was not sure I could trust him and was afraid he would do it again.

 

 

He spent like the next two weeks trying to convince me to trust him... I finally did and we were together four YEARS after that...and he never pulled that shyt again.

 

 

OP, with YOUR guy, he is being a complete wiezel IMO. Sending you elusive messages asking if you're okay...feeling you out, testing the waters.

 

 

He STILL does not know what he wants...and he should NOT have contacted you until he did!

 

 

But he wants to know that YOU still want him! That's why he sent the text. Totally selfish on his part.

 

 

I would completely ignore him going forward. I think he may be a commitment phobe and IMO commitment phobes are gutless wonders..

 

 

Your guy seems like a classic case. Move on.

 

Okay, point taken. I have just received another message from him saying 'how was your weekend? X' It's almost laughable how men react when you don't give them attention. I'll use your advice and try my best to take it from here. Your advice has been really helpful - sometimes it's easier to talk about these things with strangers. Thanks again.

[LoveRefreshed]

It works on everyone, not just men. It's about wanting what you can't have. Everyone has this problem. Actually, this is a huge part of pick up tactics.