ljn1650 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I was with my boyfriend for 3 months, then we went on holiday that he asked me to come on, and spent 7 days together. When we got back, he was short with his responses to me, then sent me this- Hello, how you doing? Sorry if I seem a little off at the moment. It's just I suddenly feel things might be moving a bit too fast. That's probably my fault and I've probably been a bit pushy, but I just want to hold back a bit. Hope you're ok with this, feel free to give me a call to talk about it. X It's also nothing To do with you and please don't think it is, I just need a Bit of time. Sorry x I replied with 'ok' as I didn't want to seem emotional and wanted to give him space. However, he then rang me and messaged me asking if I was okay. Eventually I rang him, and asked if he wanted to end it and he just kept saying I don't know I don't know. And that his head is still pretty messed up (he split with his gf of 8 years almost 2 years ago, they were also engaged). He sounded sad and said I could still call him any time I wanted. So basically, I had no concrete answer and he has now not contacted me for 5 days. This is difficult when we have spoke every day for 3 months. I let my guard down and he did this, despite him bring the one that rushed it. He told me he was falling for me the night before our holiday. Did I screw up while we were on holiday? I am driving myself insane trying to understand. Does he not care that we are not speaking? I deleted his number so cannot contact him which is probably for the best. Perhaps I should assume it's over?
TigerCub Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Sorry that happened. These things suck. I know what you mean about letting your guard down and getting hurt. It's never easy. He wants to pull back and thinks he is going too fast - fine. When you asked him if it's over, he whines with his 'I don't know, I don't know' fine - I think that is an answer which = Yes He seems to have too much baggage. He liked you, he got all excited about being with you and now he's scared to move forward because of his own issues and his past. That doesn't make him a bad guy - It just means that he's not ready to give you a real relationship. And you don't wanna be with someone that's so scared to let go and be with you. If you guys try again and he keeps being scared and pushes you back over and over that will not be good for your self esteem and it certainly won't help in building trust and safety in the relationship. I say assume it's over and let him deal with his baggage and you find someone else.
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Omg, yet another guy who needed to pull back after **three months** .... what is it about this three month mark ...it's freaking uncanny!!!!! OP, there are a couple of other threads running created by woman going through this same exact thing ...... guy *pulling back* after three months! I even had it happen to me with my first boyfriend. Just pull back yourself, and give him TONS of space. Don't call or text just let him be. Don't get angry, from what I understand three months marks some sort of transition period where things appear to be getting *serious* and it sort of freaks them out and they need to pull back to re-assess. He may even think/feel he has lost interest but in many cases, he's just scared or freaked about things getting more serious than he is emotionally prepared for, even though he *thought* he was. Just give him lots of space. Do your own thing, life your life. I give him kudos for letting you know! Some guys just disappear without a word leaving the woman to think god only knows what! There is another thread created by a woman whose boyfriend did just that ......after consistently dating for three months! Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Yes, I would assume it's over. He didn't even have the courage to tell you this in person - that says a lot about his character. I would seriously question the integrity of a man who spent a week-long holiday with me to then message me telling me it's not working for him. He's got some growing up to do. I think you didn't do anything to screw this up. He's not over his previous relationship, if he actually referenced his head still being messed up from that. For whatever reason, he isn't ready. Don't wait around for him.
Amalyn Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 3 months seems to be the magical mark when these guys do this. I, too, have had a guy pull away after 3 months. It sucks. You just get to the place where you let your guard down, really start to like them and then they pull away (or fade away in my case). I don't think you did anything to screw this up. It's kind of a shame that after 2 years he still hasn't moved on from his ex. I would give him space and let him reach out to you. Don't ask him anymore if he wants to end it. I think you already know the answer.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I don't see why he needed to tell her in person. I actually don't get break ups having to be in person period. It's pretty awful to expect to be seeing your bf/gf and they come out of the left field with the break up speech. Or even worse, saying they need to "Talk" and you stressing over it. Doing it writing lets you handle your emotions and not react in the heat of the moment. It's always my preference.... 3
Author ljn1650 Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Omg, yet another guy who needed to pull back after **three months** .... what is it about this three month mark ...it's freaking uncanny!!!!! OP, there are a couple of other threads running created by woman going through this same exact thing ...... guy *pulling back* after three months! I even had it happen to me with my first boyfriend. Just pull back yourself, and give him TONS of space. Don't call or text just let him be. Don't get angry, from what I understand three months marks some sort of transition period where things appear to be getting *serious* and it sort of freaks them out and they need to pull back to re-assess. He may even think/feel he has lost interest but in many cases, he's just scared or freaked about things getting more serious than he is emotionally prepared for, even though he *thought* he was. Just give him lots of space. Do your own thing, life your life. I give him kudos for letting you know! Some guys just disappear without a word leaving the woman to think god only knows what! There is another thread created by a woman whose boyfriend did just that ......after consistently dating for three months! Thank you for your response. Fair enough he told me, but really he did tell me anything. He just said he needed time and that he doesn't know. What am I supposed to do with that?
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 How manly of him to send you a whiney little text AFTER you get home from being away crying that he needs his space - after encouraging you for 3 months to invest in him. Little coward. This guy is emotionally stunted if he's still bawling about being afraid of relationships 2 full years after his breakup. Drop kick his whiney ass to the curb. 2
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your response. Fair enough he told me, but really he did tell me anything. He just said he needed time and that he doesn't know. What am I supposed to do with that? ljn, he let you know he is confused, scared, things moving too fast ....and he needs space. He is concerned about your feelings, obviously, hence his constantly asking if you're okay.... and inviting you to call if you need/want to talk about it. He even took responsibility for pushing the relationship, he knows it's all on him... The reason he can't tell you more is because right now he does not know what he's feeling. One day he is totally into you, wanting, even pushing this relationship forward, and the next day he wakes up and doesn't know what he's feeling! Fear will do that to a person! Like I said, many guys just pull the fade, and disappear! So I give him a lot of credit for letting you know what's going with him ....that things moved too fast and he needs some space. And taking responsibility for being the one to push the relationship forward. Don't wait around for him to get his head together about this. He may never! Assume it's over, do your own thing, live your life. I'm sorry hon I know it sucks..... ((hugs)) Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
stillafool Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Yes it's over. He really didn't have the nuts to tell you the truth as to why he wanted to split so he pulls this crap. Don't call him begging for answers. You deserve so much better and you will find it. Good luck.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 For all intents and purposes you can consider it over. If a man has even marginal interest in sustaining a romantic relationship with you he doesn't all of a sudden say he needs space and then drops off the face of the Earth. When people do this it's because they've lost interest. They get bored, the initial spark wares off, and they pull some half-arsed excuse in order to get it over with. They might come back in a few months but it's only because nothing better came along or if it did, it didn't work out. Do you want to be somebody's fall back girl? Stay nc. 1
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Apparently, according to some peeps on this board, people (men and women) aren't *allowed* to get confused, become uncertain, feel ambivalent, and/or need space to sort their heads out when things start becoming serious and are about to enter the next stage. I guess they feel/think once someone develops feelings, those feelings are always to remain the same, never change, never fluctuate, never deviate from their original intensity from when they first met. Sorry guys it doesn't work that way. Feelings ebb and flow, and are fluid. If you can't learn to deal with all the changes (good and bad) that will naturally occur while navigating an exclusive committed relationship, and become angry whenever your partner disappoints or doesn't live up to what you expect, then I wish you luck. Are some people (men and women) cowards, scammers, full of crap, liars, users and takers? Yes!!! But I see no evidence of that here. The guy is confused, has some fears and needs space to sort himself out. He communicated that to her! To the best of his ability given his confusion. "The road to true love never did run smooth." -- William Shakespeare. Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Like I said before, my first boyfriend went through this -- needed space after three months. After communicating that to me (just like the OP's boyfriend did) I gave it to him..... LOTS of it! I fell off his radar, did my own thing, lived my life. I assumed it was over. To my surprise, after three weeks he returned, and after a bit of convincing on his part, we got back together, and were together (happily I might add) FOUR YEARS after that (until I ended it for reasons unrelated). Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Apparently, according to some peeps on this board, people (men and women) aren't *allowed* to get confused, become uncertain, feel ambivalent, and/or need space to sort their heads out when things start becoming serious and are about to enter the next stage. I guess they feel/think once someone develops feelings, those feelings are always to remain the same, never change, never fluctuate, never deviate from their original intensity from when they first met. Sorry guys it doesn't work that way. Feelings ebb and flow, and are fluid. If you can't learn to deal with all the changes (good and bad) that will naturally occur while navigating an exclusive committed relationship, and become angry whenever your partner disappoints or doesn't live up to what you expect, then I wish you luck. Are some people (men and women) cowards, scammers, full of crap, liars, users and takers? Yes!!! But I see no evidence of that here. The guy is confused, has some fears and needs space to sort himself out. He communicated that to her! To the best of his ability given his confusion. "The road to true love never did run smooth." -- William Shakespeare. Nobody said that. Of course feelings ebb and flow. There is a mature way to handle it and communicate that to one's partner. The way he went about it would tell me he's got some work to do in that area. He has dropped off the radar for 5 days since then. If that's the best he could do, I could do better. My experience has taught me that men who are so overcome with doubts and lack good communication skills so early on are not ideal candidates for a long-term relationship. Needing space after just 3 months is a sign that something isn't working. 3
LoveRefreshed Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 So salty Lois. Three months in, six months in, it doesn't matter. Someone can decide to break up with someone when ever the **** they feel like. I see five years. I just read a story about a woman who broke up with her fiancé after 9 years! So don't call him a whiney little bitch for breaking up. I am sure he has his ****ing reasons. Maybe he realized after a week long trip that she has deal breakers for him. As for OP, sucks, but just move on. I wouldn't text him, and if he writes, I'd just tell him you've moved on. Unless you really want him, then you could try and work it out if he gets back ahold of you. However, I'm too proud for that. 1
mrldii Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 ... Did I screw up while we were on holiday? I am driving myself insane trying to understand. Does he not care that we are not speaking? I deleted his number so cannot contact him which is probably for the best. Perhaps I should assume it's over? It doesn't read as though you did anything "wrong while on holiday" together. It's entirely possible that, after spending focused one-on-one time together, he began feeling things that to him felt like this relationship wasn't providing what he feels he wants in a relationship. It's entirely possible - and normal - that this time spent together felt very differently than similar time together spent with the ex and it MADE him realize he's not feeling what he would expect to feel. Personally, I see nothing wrong with what he said/the timing of it/the method used. While it didn't make a lot of sense that he got so *concerned* when you replied "OK" to his break-up text, I suppose it's a testament to the fact that he does have feelings for you and does care about you...just not to the extend of an exclusive and growing relationship. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Nobody said that. Of course feelings ebb and flow. There is a mature way to handle it and communicate that to one's partner. The way he went about it would tell me he's got some work to do in that area. He has dropped off the radar for 5 days since then. If that's the best he could do, I could do better. My experience has taught me that men who are so overcome with doubts and lack good communication skills so early on are not ideal candidates for a long-term relationship. Needing space after just 3 months is a sign that something isn't working. He's "dropped off the radar" because he needs space, just like he communicated to her .... to the best of his ability. That's precisely what taking space is ..... dropping off the radar. To think, sort out feelings, whatever you need to do. My first boyfriend fell off the radar for three weeks! He told me beforehand so I knew what was up, just like OP's bf did. As opposed to pulling the fading/disappearing act which seems to be the norm these days. In response, I fell off his radar too. This gave him the time and space to sort stuff out (within himself) ..... to miss me and realize he wanted to be with me in a long term relationship. With no pressure from me. I agree, for right now, he has lost interest. That's his prerogative .... and he should not be deemed a coward, a "whiney ass," or *emotionally stunted* ...or whatever other derogatory adjectives some on here are calling him (not you expat)...because he has lost interest. It's anyone's guess whether taking space will reignite his interest (it might) or it might not. In the meantime, as I and others have suggested, she should assume it's over and move on. Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author ljn1650 Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 It doesn't read as though you did anything "wrong while on holiday" together. It's entirely possible that, after spending focused one-on-one time together, he began feeling things that to him felt like this relationship wasn't providing what he feels he wants in a relationship. It's entirely possible - and normal - that this time spent together felt very differently than similar time together spent with the ex and it MADE him realize he's not feeling what he would expect to feel. Personally, I see nothing wrong with what he said/the timing of it/the method used. While it didn't make a lot of sense that he got so *concerned* when you replied "OK" to his break-up text, I suppose it's a testament to the fact that he does have feelings for you and does care about you...just not to the extend of an exclusive and growing relationship. Best of luck to you, OP... I think that's what is upsetting me the most, the fact that it could just have been my personality on holiday that made him think 'no thanks!', despite The two of us seemingly having a lovely time. Before he went weird he said he'd had a lovely week. In the phone call I made after the 'break-up' message he sent, he was adamant it was nothing I did on holiday. I just can't help but feel this is an excuse to be polite to me. I'm finding it really tough to not take this personally and wondering if he is finding this difficult too? He also said everything he's ever said to me is still true but he can't explain why he feels this way all of a sudden. I will do as you have said and assume it over. While reading katiegrl's story about her boyfriend fills me with hope, I can't help but feel this is really finished, as I can't understand why he would go from talking to me every day to not at all.
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) I think that's what is upsetting me the most, the fact that it could just have been my personality on holiday that made him think 'no thanks!', despite The two of us seemingly having a lovely time. Before he went weird he said he'd had a lovely week. In the phone call I made after the 'break-up' message he sent, he was adamant it was nothing I did on holiday. I just can't help but feel this is an excuse to be polite to me. I'm finding it really tough to not take this personally and wondering if he is finding this difficult too? ***He also said everything he's ever said to me is still true ***but he can't explain why he feels this way all of a sudden.**** I will do as you have said and assume it over. While reading katiegrl's story about her boyfriend fills me with hope, I can't help but feel this is really finished, as I can't understand why he would go from talking to me every day to not at all. Quote in asterisk above -- Given how many men just up and disappear or fade on their girlfriends on or about the three month mark, I would venture to guess this strange and confusing phenomenon is quite typical for many men. Some relationship gurus (John Gray) call it the "uncertainty" stage and that it's normal and to be expected... he even mentions this usually happens at three months! Apparently he has counseled many many men who have experienced this. I suppose for some men like my ex and your boyfriend, this uncertainty can feel more intense ... thus they require more space than others. Other men might experience the uncertainty in silence, not saying anything to their girlfriends hoping it will pass. In any event though, don't contact him. Start dating other guys! I did. Good luck sweetie.....keep us posted if anything new develops. Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I think that's what is upsetting me the most, the fact that it could just have been my personality on holiday that made him think 'no thanks!', despite The two of us seemingly having a lovely time. Before he went weird he said he'd had a lovely week. In the phone call I made after the 'break-up' message he sent, he was adamant it was nothing I did on holiday. I just can't help but feel this is an excuse to be polite to me. I'm finding it really tough to not take this personally and wondering if he is finding this difficult too? He also said everything he's ever said to me is still true but he can't explain why he feels this way all of a sudden. I will do as you have said and assume it over. While reading katiegrl's story about her boyfriend fills me with hope, I can't help but feel this is really finished, as I can't understand why he would go from talking to me every day to not at all. You have to question the emotional maturity of someone who goes from "I'm falling for you" to not contacting you at all in a matter of a week. I think he did what a lot of inexperienced and/or immature people do which is to get a little carried away in the beginning, then realize they've gotten themselves in uncharted territory and retreat. OP never take rejection personally. I think it was Dita Von Teese who said "You can be the ripest, sweetest peach in the world and there still will be someone who doesn't like peaches" (quoting loosely). Learn from this and move on. I'm sure you'll be hearing from him at some point anyways. 1
mrldii Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 He's "dropped off the radar" because he needs space, just like he communicated to her .... to the best of his ability. That's precisely what taking space is ..... dropping off the radar. To think, sort out feelings, whatever you need to do. My first boyfriend fell off the radar for three weeks! He told me beforehand so I knew what was up, just like OP's bf did. As opposed to pulling the fading/disappearing act which seems to be the norm these days. In response, I fell off his radar too. This gave him the time and space to sort stuff out (within himself) ..... to miss me and realize he wanted to be with me in a long term relationship. With no pressure from me. I agree, for right now, he has lost interest. That's his prerogative .... and he should not be deemed a coward, a "whiney ass," or *emotionally stunted* ...or whatever other derogatory adjectives some on here are calling him (not you expat)...because he has lost interest. It's anyone's guess whether taking space will reignite his interest (it might) or it might not. In the meantime, as I and others have suggested, she should assume it's over and move on. I agree. "No contact" can be correctly and effectively utilized for a myriad of reasons... ...it's not just for when someone has broken our heart and we're hurt and distraught over it. Apparently, there's a very fine line between the [unacceptable] "fade/drop-off" and the [encouraged and cheered-for] "no contact".
hakim Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 The only right thing to do in this situation is respect his demands. Give him the space and don't contact him at all... Assume it's over, no matter how hard it is. If he does reach out, assume he wants to see you and make up a date. Other than that, it sounds like it's over. 2
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 If he does reach out, assume he wants to see you and make up a date. You can do that. Or you can get your self-respect together and go find someone who knows what he wants, doesn't leave you hanging and doesn't make you doubt and question yourself. Surprisingly not all men are indecisive, frail little things who need to be treated with kid gloves and who's inability to make up their fragile, gentle minds needs to be respected and tolerated because god forbid you take away their sacred right to get rid of you in any way they see fit. If you acted the same way towards a guy would you expect him to take you back afterwards? And would you truly respect him if he did? 5
hakim Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 You can do that. Or you can get your self-respect together and go find someone who knows what he wants, doesn't leave you hanging and doesn't make you doubt and question yourself. Surprisingly not all men are indecisive, frail little things who need to be treated with kid gloves and who's inability to make up their fragile, gentle minds needs to be respected and tolerated because god forbid you take away their sacred right to get rid of you in any way they see fit. If you acted the same way towards a guy would you expect him to take you back afterwards? And would you truly respect him if he did? Although I agree 100% with what you've said, I only letting the OP know that if he does reach out, he's doing so because he misses her. If she doesn't then he's either gone back to his ex or has found someone else. I personally wouldn't bother with someone who was as flakey as him, that's for sure.
katiegrl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) You can do that. Or you can get your self-respect together and go find someone who knows what he wants, doesn't leave you hanging and doesn't make you doubt and question yourself. Surprisingly not all men are indecisive, frail little things who need to be treated with kid gloves and who's inability to make up their fragile, gentle minds needs to be respected and tolerated because god forbid you take away their sacred right to get rid of you in any way they see fit. If you acted the same way towards a guy would you expect him to take you back afterwards? And would you truly respect him if he did? LOL, you're right. Many men are just cowards and pull the fade and disappear when they feel uncertain/ambivalent. That way the woman WON'T ever know how "indecisive* and "frail" he is .....she'll just think he's an insensitive douchebag, I guess they think that's better than her thinking he's an *indecisive frail little thing who needs to be treated with kid gloves." That'll teach him to never be honest and open about how he's feeling. With your attitude, no wonder so many men prefer to just fade/disappear instead of sharing with their partner that they need some space and why. Good job!!!! ETA: And who said anything about her respecting and tolerating it? Where did you get that? Most, if not all, of us told her to consider it over and move on! No she should not tolerate it. Try to *understand* the behavior, yes. But no not tolerate it. No one said that. Edited August 8, 2015 by katiegrl
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