TrevorDia Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I keep getting myself into deeper and deeper nonsense with my ex. For the past month now I've gone from being "doing well" after NC for a few months to "still got feelings for her, but somehow trapped in a friendship where she's constantly telling me how happy she is in her relationship". And fool that I am, I've actually gone to the effort of testing the strength of the relationship by asking questions about him. And even worse than that, in what is by far the worst thing I've ever done in my life, I've agreed to move in with her and her friend for a year while they're studying in the same city I work. Now I feel like I'm entrenched in this ****ty situation I've managed to get myself into and I need a way out. We're currently long-distance friends, and I just want to separate entirely, but my underlying feelings for her keep getting in the way - I still care deeply about her and I know she doesn't feel the same way. I don't want to be helpless against her, but it's like an addiction. I just can't seem to get away from her. I'm starting to think I need help from a mental professional :/
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Yeah, this is seriously f*cked up. And yes, it would be in your best interest to seek out some professional help. You are the creator of your own chaos, no one else is. Until you change the things you're doing nothing will change...EVER. Good luck. 4
theredpill Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Never f'kin ever stay friends dude, what the feck are you doing and moving in with her too - get that sorted out immediately. You do need help, she's got your bollocks in the palm of her hand and not the good way, either that or you sold them on eBay. Go watch some self improvement and attraction videos on Youtube, if these don't help, seek professional advice, what you're doing to yourself is unhealthy and destroying who you are, there are probably tens of thousands of women within a short driving distance, please open your eyes, she's just one person! Would you stab yourself in the face with a pen consistently??? No, you wouldn't... but you're quite happy to destroy your own happiness caught up in this train wreck. Tell her as soon as you read this response, that you are lovers not friends, if she's not interested in being lovers, there's no friendship to give and then don't ever contact her again (kerblammmo your balls are back and huge!) You continue to keep this friendship going, you will suffer and that will be your fault, because nobody else can fix this but you. 2
dyna85 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I think you're less 'mental' than you think as you recognize how you've gotten yourself into a bit of a mess. I think the solution is obvious: extricate yourself from this 'friendship' and don't move in with her. Problem solved. I know the pain of losing her is hard, but what is harder: being reminded of the pain by continuous contact with the source or coping with the pain while detaching from the source? I'd choose option 2 any day. Seems you bit off more than you can chew by becoming entrenched in this madness. I would go back to your initial strategy which was helping you rather than making matters worse. You're a product of your own doing and you seem to know the way to make it better, but for whatever reason are not yet decided in going that route. May I ask what is stopping you? 2
Author TrevorDia Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Honestly? Fear of change is stopping me. Failure to engage, trying to please people I care about. I just suck at the real and personal stuff. I've always had social anxiety and it's just amplified when I have to deal with people I care about. 3
Satu Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Honestly? Fear of change is stopping me. Failure to engage, trying to please people I care about. I just suck at the real and personal stuff. I've always had social anxiety and it's just amplified when I have to deal with people I care about. Care about yourself, by not caring about them. At the moment you're doing the opposite of that. 1
dyna85 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Trevor, you don't need to deal with your ex's drama. Get out now. She gets the best of both worlds by having you and her new bf at her beckon call. Now that would be fine and dandy if you had nerves of steel, but honestly, most people would be seriously anxious in a situation like this and clearly it's affecting you negatively. Consider yourself to be a brave soul for attempting such a feat, but the more courageous effort would be to say sayonara to her and let her deal with your absence from her life. You need not try to please others who aren't trying to please you. Screw her. Abort the freakin' mission. It's not worth it. It's at the detriment of YOUR emotional well being which is of utmost importance. You have positive change to look forward to but change always starts with you. Do it for yourself. Save the care for yourself and for those who deserve it and reciprocate. Someone who dumped you is not worth it. Say your goodbyes and be done with it. Let the weight be lifted. 2
theredpill Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I've been in your situation TrevorDia and I'd do literally anything to make things better and it hurt like hell hanging around just suffering, it was horrible and I can remember it vividly although it was two decades ago, the shame of putting myself through it. Perhaps why my original tone was a tad harsh, more directed at my younger, less experienced self. Trust us, the numb feeling of her not being around is nothing compared to seeing her flirting and going home with another man and where will that be if you move in together? If these posts are providing little direction, ask a family member you know and trust, if it's a man, please be aware he may slap you, wish someone would have done that to me. Think about yourself, get busy, as men we're gifted with the amazing talent of being able to concentrate on one single thing at a time, so if you do pretty much anything and get into it, you won't be thinking about her. You'll get there in time and wonder why you put yourself through so much grief because you're actually quite awesome, that's why she wants you around - but you've got boundaries and she's either in or she's out, if she's out, she doesn't really deserve the benefits that come with your friendship and it will stop you moving on. She may get upset and possibly a lil angry initially, it's another mini breakup, emotions on both sides, handle it with kindness, but be firm and set the scene, can't be her friend if you're not with her, you need to move on and it seems she'll be okay from what you wrote, not to mention you'll look better in her eyes, because you're doing this for you. The only real certainty is you'll learn and grow from this, coming out the other side an even better version of yourself.
fireflywy Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Your way out comes when YOU take the wheel. No one else is going to save you from this upcoming hell. Only you can. 1
Recommended Posts