ManyDissapoint Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Everyone likes to be loved. Love can have different meanings too. "I love you" can be a catch all phrase we use regarding people and animals we care about, it is not just confined to romantic attachments. In a break up/affair/reconcile situation where we may not be "in love", but we want to soften the blow, then we tend to use "I still love you", as otherwise it may seem we place that person below our cat, below our best friend from college we haven't seen for three years or below that old aunt in Delaware... We, even as dumpees, need to hear the Love word. "I have just spent 5 years of my life pandering to your every whim and you don't even love me as much as your dog????" We want to hear it, as it makes us seem relevant, makes us feel of some importance, even if they are just turfing us out and they are not "in love" with us any more. I appreciate the distinction you are trying to make, but I'm pretty sure we can give most people the benefit of the doubt in saying that when people in a troubled relationship ask each other if they still love each other, it's romantic love they're asking about. Not like the love we have for our pets.
Southern Sun Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I know I have it now still into almost 10 years with my husband. I also know I didn't have it with my first husband. Actually we had it at 17/18 but lost it and didn't realize what that meant. Knowing what I know now, I know how fragile and precious what we have is and how hard I will fight to keep it. Sorry I don't know how you get it back. Ohh...this is kind of scary to me. H and I have been together since we were in our early 20s...19 years. I think of us as close. As warm. As good partners and friends. Ouch. Maybe that's what all this love and in love stuff is. But again, what should I expect? We have others to care for, children, etc. Maybe other things are more important. Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe...
Author minimariah Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Or you lose it but have no way to figure out how you get it back. It is so precious, so nebulous, so fragile and it can just "poof* before your eyes and be gone. yes! i had it and lost it with my xH, too. found it again with my current partner and it's even stronger AND the stronger and more beautiful it is...? the more scared you are, i think. i'd be fine if my partner dumps me. i'd survive. i'd move on. but like you say - my life would've definitely lose colours. it's like, i can live without my current partner but i don't want to. that's - to me - is how i know it's LOVE. romantic love, in love. deep love. sexually, emotionally and intelectually obsessed with the person you are with. when you never run out of things you want to tell to your spouse. when your spouse is the 1st thing you wake up. when though of your spouse being in pain PARALYZES you with fear and sadness. that's what i mean when i talk about love. & yeah, love does disappear if you don't nurture it and aren't careful with it. i have two examples around me - my father and his new partner and my mother and her new partner. my mom and new partner had been together for a few years only but my father and his W? over 20 years. and it's still there - the spark. so when i saw that, i was like... OH. IT'S NOT A MYTH! it's a beautiful and a very scary feeling, indeed. 2
Got it Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 yes! i had it and lost it with my xH, too. found it again with my current partner and it's even stronger AND the stronger and more beautiful it is...? the more scared you are, i think. i'd be fine if my partner dumps me. i'd survive. i'd move on. but like you say - my life would've definitely lose colours. it's like, i can live without my current partner but i don't want to. that's - to me - is how i know it's LOVE. romantic love, in love. deep love. sexually, emotionally and intelectually obsessed with the person you are with. when you never run out of things you want to tell to your spouse. when your spouse is the 1st thing you wake up. when though of your spouse being in pain PARALYZES you with fear and sadness. that's what i mean when i talk about love. & yeah, love does disappear if you don't nurture it and aren't careful with it. i have two examples around me - my father and his new partner and my mother and her new partner. my mom and new partner had been together for a few years only but my father and his W? over 20 years. and it's still there - the spark. so when i saw that, i was like... OH. IT'S NOT A MYTH! it's a beautiful and a very scary feeling, indeed. I have realized it is a rare thing to have. Congrats to your parents. But that is it exactly. And I was over 30 before I realized that it exists and each day I learn how much deeper it can become. I love my husband more now than ever. As much as we drive each other crazy at times (two very dominant personalities) we are utterly in love. It makes you feel strong and unbelievably weak all at the same time. 1
Giggle Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Idk. I told mine that I had nothing for him when I was breaking up with him. I very much didn't want him thinking there was hope. That did not stop it though. He still hoped something was there when I flat out said there wasn't. You are always going to get argued with if you just say it's not love. It's very much can be, just not what you are talking about. 1
jen1447 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 You are always going to get argued with if you just say it's not love. It's very much can be, just not what you are talking about. ^ That's normal tho. No one's gonna shrug their shoulders and say ok when someone they're deeply invested in says they're on the way out, they're naturally gonna fight and scrape to try to save what's very likely the single most important constant in their life. Allowing that to happen doesn't mean you're giving in and taking them back, it just means you're allowing them their 'process' - something integral to a feeling of resolution somewhere down the road. They can tell themselves they tried, whereas if you lie or patronize, all they can tell themselves is they weren't worthy of the truth in your eyes. 1
autumnnight Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 The only way to keep that romantic love alive is to purposely work to keep that roman tic love alive. If you choose to put your "marriage" love on hold while the kids grow up....you are CHOOSING to starve that romantic love, and you shouldn't be surprised when it is gone. Women especially do this. When they first baby comes, they stop being wives and become 100% mothers, and they will defend to the death that children ALWAYS come first. My parents loved us dearly and fiercly. They also protected their marriage and couple time and intimate time. Once a month we spend the weekend with a neighbbor, and once a month that neighbor kid spent a weekend with us. I learned later they did that so both couples could have a weekend alone every month. They dated, they told us "no" sometimes when we wanted to horn in on their time. We turned out fine. In fact, having parents who were in love with each other actually, I think, made us more secure, and it sure ga ve us a better model of marriage. I also think that is the reason that many people divorce once the next is empty. With no kids as a buffer they have nothing in common anymore. 2
Got it Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 The only way to keep that romantic love alive is to purposely work to keep that roman tic love alive. If you choose to put your "marriage" love on hold while the kids grow up....you are CHOOSING to starve that romantic love, and you shouldn't be surprised when it is gone. Women especially do this. When they first baby comes, they stop being wives and become 100% mothers, and they will defend to the death that children ALWAYS come first. My parents loved us dearly and fiercly. They also protected their marriage and couple time and intimate time. Once a month we spend the weekend with a neighbbor, and once a month that neighbor kid spent a weekend with us. I learned later they did that so both couples could have a weekend alone every month. They dated, they told us "no" sometimes when we wanted to horn in on their time. We turned out fine. In fact, having parents who were in love with each other actually, I think, made us more secure, and it sure ga ve us a better model of marriage. I also think that is the reason that many people divorce once the next is empty. With no kids as a buffer they have nothing in common anymore. Actually I think one/both is really just biding their time until the nest is empty. I think far few realize they have nothing in common, I think one of them is already in tune with it but just waiting until there are no kids still in the nest when they decide to fly it. 1
Author minimariah Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 The only way to keep that romantic love alive is to purposely work to keep that roman tic love alive. do you think that love and "spark" can vanish even when you work on the relationship...? i sometimes have a feeling that those things are determined by "fate" and luck more than anything. in my marriage, both me and my xH worked on our relationship... but it wasn't enough. it naturally vanished and i don't think we could have stopped it. i think that's why our relationship was good until the end, we kept "working" on it. but somehow lost that spark, i guess....? and i think we never really noticed it and it had happened so fast and just like Got it says POOF! it was gone. 1
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