kjohn Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 My BF and I have been together nearly 5 years. 2 months ago he made a big mistake (not cheating) that nearly ended our relationship. He begged me to stay. I was unsure. We started seeing a counselor together. The counselor has forced me (not easy for me) to be very clear and very specific with my BF about exactly what it is that I need from him in order to consider staying in this relationship. He has done every single one-time task that I have asked him to do, no questions, no arguments. But there are a few ongoing things that he struggles with because they are things that don't necessarily come naturally for him and he has to put effort into working at them on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. The other night we had an argument and I reminded him that he is the one that screwed up and nearly ended our relationship and he is the one who is supposed to be working on trying to make amends for the mistake that he made. He got mad, as I'm sure it sounds like he very well should have because I pretty much just spat that out to him just the way I typed it here. It is not in my nature to be rude, blunt or hurtful and I was shocked as hell that it came out of my mouth, but I said it and to be honest it's the way that I feel. He argued "what about my needs?" While I agree that his needs should also be met in this relationship. Right now, we are in repair mode. He still has some work to do to repair the damage that he caused with this bad decision that he made. I'm not over it yet. I'm just not. While my heart wants to cave in and "chase" him....be the one to initiate the loving texts, be the one to initiate affection, be the one to fix everything....like I always do, my head keeps screaming at me to stand my ground and make him do the work. The problem is that he may not do it which would mean the end of the relationship. So my question is this.....do I have a bad attitude? Is it wrong and bitchy of me to insist that he do the work? To insist that he demonstrate he has learned from his mistake? To make him be the one to chase after me? That he be the one to prove to me that he wants me to stay in this relationship? It feels somewhat egotistical that I want him to chase after me....like I'm just seeking the attention, but at the same time I really do believe that he needs to work for this if he really wants it. The Nutshell... He screwed up big. I was ready to walk out the door. He begged me to stay. I said you'll have to work for it. He said he would....but at the end of the day he's not. Some days, I feel like that's my answer right there. Other days I still see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are still continuing to see a counselor together and he has also started to see a counselor on his own.
salparadise Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 ...my head keeps screaming at me to stand my ground and make him do the work. The problem is that he may not do it which would mean the end of the relationship. So my question is this.....do I have a bad attitude? Is it wrong and bitchy of me to insist that he do the work? To insist that he demonstrate he has learned from his mistake? To make him be the one to chase after me? That he be the one to prove to me that he wants me to stay in this relationship? It feels somewhat egotistical that I want him to chase after me....like I'm just seeking the attention, but at the same time I really do believe that he needs to work for this if he really wants it. Well, you clearly have the upper hand due to whatever mistake he made. Why not milk it as long as possible, and to the fullest extent possible? If you've got him on the ropes just keep hammering him with head shots until he either collapses or gives up and walks away. Why are you being so arcane as to central issue that made you queen and he your servant?
Author kjohn Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 That is exactly what I am trying to avoid doing. That is why I came here for advice. Advice would be appreciated.
salparadise Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 You're withholding too much for anyone to have a clue. If he murdered your sister then you're probably justified in keeping him in the doghouse until hell freezes over... but if he ordered the wrong color icing on your birthday cake, then yea I'd say it might be a bad attitude. The counselor has forced me (not easy for me) to be very clear and very specific Apparently, only in the office during sessions, eh? If I was dating someone who got a bit of leverage and expected me to atone for the remainder of my days, or to "chase" after being together five years... my inclination would be to say we're done here and walk away. And the same thing goes for someone who is perpetually dissatisfied and can't articulate exactly what it's about... just that it's your fault that she ain't happy. 4
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Without knowing the mistake he made, it is difficult to advise here. YOU cannot hold him to account forever, as that would make for a very unhappy arrangement for both, but by the same token, if you feel he is glossing over things or he is getting angry to avoid facing up to the stuff he did, then that is not acceptable either. If you have outlined your side succinctly, he knows what he has to do (and it is not unreasonable), and he is still not willing to fix things or work with you, then you are bashing your head up against a brick wall. Stop. 1
road Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Well, you clearly have the upper hand due to whatever mistake he made. Why not milk it as long as possible, and to the fullest extent possible? If you've got him on the ropes just keep hammering him with head shots until he either collapses or gives up and walks away. Why are you being so arcane as to central issue that made you queen and he your servant? That is exactly what I am trying to avoid doing. That is why I came here for advice. Advice would be appreciated. First stop holding the past over his head. Second it is not caving in meeting his needs. Third when he drops the ball on meeting your needs tell him and hold him to it without the past. There is the right way and the wrong way to do things. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 No context, so no way to advise. You'd have to tell us what he did. 2
RoseVille Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 He argued "what about my needs?" While I agree that his needs should also be met in this relationship. Right now, we are in repair mode. He still has some work to do to repair the damage that he caused with this bad decision that he made. I'm not over it yet. I'm just not. While my heart wants to cave in and "chase" him....be the one to initiate the loving texts, be the one to initiate affection, be the one to fix everything....like I always do, my head keeps screaming at me to stand my ground and make him do the work. The problem is that he may not do it which would mean the end of the relationship. So my question is this.....do I have a bad attitude? Is it wrong and bitchy of me to insist that he do the work? To insist that he demonstrate he has learned from his mistake? To make him be the one to chase after me? That he be the one to prove to me that he wants me to stay in this relationship? Yes, I think you're handling this poorly. He does have work to do. He needs to be putting in the effort necessary. But so do you. Relationships aren't one sided. You can't stop being how you are in a relationship (affection, initiation, being loving) to punish him. Punishing him is not making him do work. It's punishing him. It's punitive. It will make him lose motivation for the relationship, it's only natural. Not only now, but it will make him think that this is what he has to look forward to in the future next time he messes up, which he will because he's human, and so will you. You can do both. Make him go above and beyond while you remain steady. 2
Gloria25 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Five years and no ring/date for marriage? Where did you get this counselor from? I guess you got a counselor who just wants to take your money and waste your time cuz if I was the counselor, I would have asked you both "work on what?" I mean, while we do need you to tell us what he's doing "wrong" here in this RL so we can help you, at the same time let's say he does everything you want...where is this RL going? I wonder if the fact that it's 5 years and this RL is going nowhere is the underlying issue here... I mean, sometimes we are upset about something "else" and it manifests itself in other ways that may not have to do with the underlying issue...For example, you're frustrated that it's 5 years and no ring/date. One night he forgets to wash the dishes and you want to rip him apart. Has nothing to do with the dishes...it has to do with you wanting a ring and a date. Hope that helps... 4
BlueIris Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 The Nutshell... He screwed up big. I was ready to walk out the door. He begged me to stay. I said you'll have to work for it. He said he would....but at the end of the day he's not. Some days, I feel like that's my answer right there. Other days I still see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are still continuing to see a counselor together and he has also started to see a counselor on his own. Well, it's hard to change and repair a relationship damaged by his own horrendous mistake. I can understand how hard that is for him- it's hard on the ego. Sometimes the people who "beg" for another chance and promise to change find they don't want to change, but they are now stuck with their own promise. You might find that he won't or can't. He might become angry or humiliated if he can't do it, or doesn't want to, and you'll be seeing that at the same time he does-- or he might evolve. Good luck. It isn't an easy thing you're doing, but it is probably going to be very good for both of you.
spiderowl Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Only you know whether you want this relationship to continue or not. If you do, and he does, then he should do his bit. But, just thinking of this from the point of view of any human being, if we try hard and we don't see any reward, warmth or love as a result of our efforts, then we give up. Your partner has been bluntly reminded that he's at fault. You have reminded him he is still at fault, that he has more work to do. You have shown him that you are wielding power over him. Whether that is 'fair' or not is up to you to judge, but if you do not show him that his efforts are working and moving towards a loving, forgiving relationship, then he may opt out. That might not be a problem for you and maybe whatever caused the near split was irredeemable, but if you want him, then reward him, be positive about what he's achieve (without gloating) and show him it is all worthwhile. It's human nature to give up if we feel we are failing or the other person doesn't care. 1
Satu Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 That is exactly what I am trying to avoid doing. That is why I came here for advice. Advice would be appreciated. If you want to be happy live in the present.
newmoon Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 you're 5 years in and you didn't mention a marriage or engagement. with the issues you're having and the one you already had - which you're clearly not over - it doesn't sound like hanging on is worthwhile. to what end are you hanging around? is he your dream man and the one you plan to marry and have kids with? you're building up resentments and whatever happened won't go away because you talked to a counselor. 2
Gloria25 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Only you know whether you want this relationship to continue or not. If you do, and he does, then he should do his bit. But, just thinking of this from the point of view of any human being, if we try hard and we don't see any reward, warmth or love as a result of our efforts, then we give up. Your partner has been bluntly reminded that he's at fault. You have reminded him he is still at fault, that he has more work to do. You have shown him that you are wielding power over him. Whether that is 'fair' or not is up to you to judge, but if you do not show him that his efforts are working and moving towards a loving, forgiving relationship, then he may opt out. That might not be a problem for you and maybe whatever caused the near split was irredeemable, but if you want him, then reward him, be positive about what he's achieve (without gloating) and show him it is all worthwhile. It's human nature to give up if we feel we are failing or the other person doesn't care. Agreed...^^ Hard to stay motivated and continue progress if the other person doesn't praise your accomplishments and just keeps on picking at you for what you haven't still gotten right.
Purepony Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 He bought a car! He bought a 19sixty7 ford mustang Fastback like the one in gone on 56 seconds! Ha I'm kidding but if he didn't, he should so can move on with life and be happy again.because if he's just getting punished I don't see him taking this for long
jay1983 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 I don't know what he did, but please leave him and relieve him of this sh*t you're putting him through. 1
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