GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Are there particular situations where it is understandable to cancel a meet-up/catch-up? My guy friend cancelled on me twice. Is this a bad sign? I am disappointed but I am trying not be psycho about it because he doesn't even know I am attracted to him. He wants to catch up next week, but that's what he said last time... Any thoughts? Be honest, please. I am a bit inexperienced in the dating and attraction field.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 If it's a girl I want, nothing will take priority in terms of social events. I've already made a social commitment and I'm not a flake, but on top of that, nothing I might do is better than scoring cred with the girl. If the reasons are family related, work related, or health related, then I would cancel. If I'm not into a girl, and my buddies were like, hey, let's drink some beers and play halo... I'm probably going to be shootin some faces. 2
icebreaker1 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Are there particular situations where it is understandable to cancel a meet-up/catch-up? My guy friend cancelled on me twice. Is this a bad sign? I am disappointed but I am trying not be psycho about it because he doesn't even know I am attracted to him. He wants to catch up next week, but that's what he said last time... Any thoughts? Be honest, please. I am a bit inexperienced in the dating and attraction field. Why not have a good chat with him? Tell him that you like him and would like to see him regularly. See what he says. If he knew (or at least had the inkling that) you were attracted to him, he would probably more attentive. To answer your question, there are reasons why it is understandable to cancel. Did you ever find out what those reasons are? It might seem that he still is interested in you. If I wasn't interested in a woman, I would never say that we should meet next week. In the meantime, are you looking around for other men as well? You don't have to put all of your eggs in one basket. 1
Author GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Thank you, LoveRefreshed. His reasons were work related on both occassions. I don't really know what to think. I still want to see him next week but my interest has gone 2 steps lower based on two cancellations. I wonder if I am being a bit too over the top.
Author GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Why not have a good chat with him? Tell him that you like him and would like to see him regularly. See what he says. If he knew (or at least had the inkling that) you were attracted to him, he would probably more attentive. To answer your question, there are reasons why it is understandable to cancel. Did you ever find out what those reasons are? It might seem that he still is interested in you. If I wasn't interested in a woman, I would never say that we should meet next week. In the meantime, are you looking around for other men as well? You don't have to put all of your eggs in one basket. Icebreaker, thanks! I am a bit of what people would call a 'slow girl' in this dating world. I somehow focus on one guy at a time which isn't necessarily a good thing. This guy is my friend for years though (we worked together in the past). We know each other's past failed attempts to date and all that. He has recently been supportive and protective of me over some stuff I have been going through and this gesture is what has led me to start thinking of him differently. Sadly, I haven't told him because I am concerned about losing the important friendship. He is also 4 years younger than me. All very 'disempowering' points in relation to coming clean. We have never gone past hugging and handshakes
h0000 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 All we can say now is that you are not his priority. Well, what do you expect , he doesn't even know you like him. So yes blowing you off for work is pretty legit. Don't take it too seriously at this stage. Go out with him next time amd see how it goes , and see if you can feel the connection. But before that, shift your attention on something else 2
icebreaker1 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) Icebreaker, thanks! I am a bit of what people would call a 'slow girl' in this dating world. I somehow focus on one guy at a time which isn't necessarily a good thing. This guy is my friend for years though (we worked together in the past). We know each other's past failed attempts to date and all that. He has recently been supportive and protective of me over some stuff I have been going through and this gesture is what has led me to start thinking of him differently. Sadly, I haven't told him because I am concerned about losing the important friendship. He is also 4 years younger than me. All very 'disempowering' points in relation to coming clean. We have never gone past hugging and handshakes I never understood how telling someone you like him equates to a potential loss of friendship. I also don't understand what four years being younger has anything to do with this. There's nothing wrong with that. Nevertheless, if you don't want to tell him how you feel, why don't you try this: Sit him down, say "I really want to take you out for lunch/dinner/coffee/drinks, and I don't want any excuses this time. You missed out twice already. I really want to get together with you." Offer him a few potential times and days. I'd be interested to see what he says. By the way, I do think that work-related reasons are legitimate, so give him some time. You don't know what he's going through. Edited August 8, 2015 by icebreaker1 1
RoseVille Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I wouldn't even make an effort for a good friend after two flakes, regardless of the reason. They'd have to put the effort in. But with a guy? Even more nah! If he's interested, he'll step up. 1
Author GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Thanks guys. Roseville, I have gone from being upset to being reasonable and then back to upset...and now just sad. I don't know what to think. Icebreaker, there is a chance the friendship may suffer if for some reason dating failed. I don't know if I'd be able to manage that. This guy helps me move, listens to my thoughts and worries, assures me 'it's going to be ok' when other parts of my life fall apart etc. When (or is it if?) I see him next week, I'll try your suggestions. I don't know if I have the courage yet though. I'm intending to make lunch for him. Sometimes I think he knows, and acts as if he likes me too, but because of the friendship it is hard to assess e.g. he texts more these days, he plans future meet-ups, he sends me smilie faces (this sounds juvenile but he never used to do this until recently), he tells me 'you deserve better' repeatedly when I talk about a recent failed dating I tried (he knows the guy, and doesn't approve of him), he gives me his music to listen to, says it's calming and good for me, shows me his old childhood/teenage pics etc. We have a lot in common. I feel the closeness has moved a little higher than the usual, but I'm guarded because he could be doing any of these as the good friend he has always been. I am scared of being rejected if I make the first move as well as losing the friendship. Let's face it, if it's a 'no' things will be awkward.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 OP, you should consider either coming clean to him or working on getting over your feelings, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy overanalyzing any tiny detail. If you choose to tell him just ask him (in a light-hearted way) if he has ever thought about whether there is be a potential for more between the two of you. This gives him an easy way out where, if he's not interested in anything beyond friendship he can say something simple like "I don't get involved with friends". And if he is interested in more, obviously he can take it from there. That way you're not revealing any feelings you have, all you're saying is that you might have thought about this possibility which is not unusual, and it's possible he has thought about it too, whether in a positive or negative light. But you're not putting yourself, or the friendship, on the line. And even if he says he doesn't think it's a good idea you can play it down almost as a joke, and although you'll feel rejected he won't know that. And once you get over the rejection you can resume the friendship without throwing off he dynamic. I think this approach gives him both an easy in and an easy out. 1
icebreaker1 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) Thanks guys. Roseville, I have gone from being upset to being reasonable and then back to upset...and now just sad. I don't know what to think. Icebreaker, there is a chance the friendship may suffer if for some reason dating failed. I don't know if I'd be able to manage that. This guy helps me move, listens to my thoughts and worries, assures me 'it's going to be ok' when other parts of my life fall apart etc. When (or is it if?) I see him next week, I'll try your suggestions. I don't know if I have the courage yet though. I'm intending to make lunch for him. Sometimes I think he knows, and acts as if he likes me too, but because of the friendship it is hard to assess e.g. he texts more these days, he plans future meet-ups, he sends me smilie faces (this sounds juvenile but he never used to do this until recently), he tells me 'you deserve better' repeatedly when I talk about a recent failed dating I tried (he knows the guy, and doesn't approve of him), he gives me his music to listen to, says it's calming and good for me, shows me his old childhood/teenage pics etc. We have a lot in common. I feel the closeness has moved a little higher than the usual, but I'm guarded because he could be doing any of these as the good friend he has always been. I am scared of being rejected if I make the first move as well as losing the friendship. Let's face it, if it's a 'no' things will be awkward. Sure, the friendship may be lost after you dated - it's a risk - but then it could be stronger. The friendship could be lost after not dating him as well, for another reason, and you'll never know what a romantic relationship with him is like. I can't speak for him, but I would be flattered if one of my female friends were to reveal her romantic feelings for me. You say that you may not have the courage to tell him that you want to do lunch. All you're doing is stating what many of us in that situation would be thinking: I'm frustrated that when I make plans with you, you come along at the last minute and tell me that you can't make it. I would give the very same speech to my same-sex, platonic friends. You're not expressing any romantic feelings, you're just merely making it clear that you want to make lunch for him and you don't like it that he bails out at the last minute (even though, like what I said, work is a good reason to cancel). Why didn't you tell us that he plans future meet-ups? He may very well like you. If he doesn't care about you, do you think he would propose future meet-ups? You listed a bunch of things he does. Now I can see why you think he likes you. It certainly is a possibility. And if he says one more time that you deserve better, you know what would be interesting to ask? Ask him to describe this better man and see if he describes himself. If he does tell him (jokingly) that he just described himself and see what he says. You know, if the above doesn't seem appealing to you, one thing you could do is if you have a mutual friend, you can get her/him to enter a casual conversation with your crush and ask him if he likes you. Hopefully he will reveal his true feelings without you asking him directly. Just a thought. Edited August 9, 2015 by icebreaker1 1
Author GalWithNiceGuyFriend Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Sure, the friendship may be lost after you dated - it's a risk - but then it could be stronger. The friendship could be lost after not dating him as well, for another reason, and you'll never know what a romantic relationship with him is like. I can't speak for him, but I would be flattered if one of my female friends were to reveal her romantic feelings for me. You say that you may not have the courage to tell him that you want to do lunch. All you're doing is stating what many of us in that situation would be thinking: I'm frustrated that when I make plans with you, you come along at the last minute and tell me that you can't make it. I would give the very same speech to my same-sex, platonic friends. You're not expressing any romantic feelings, you're just merely making it clear that you want to make lunch for him and you don't like it that he bails out at the last minute (even though, like what I said, work is a good reason to cancel). Why didn't you tell us that he plans future meet-ups? He may very well like you. If he doesn't care about you, do you think he would propose future meet-ups? You listed a bunch of things he does. Now I can see why you think he likes you. It certainly is a possibility. And if he says one more time that you deserve better, you know what would be interesting to ask? Ask him to describe this better man and see if he describes himself. If he does tell him (jokingly) that he just described himself and see what he says. You know, if the above doesn't seem appealing to you, one thing you could do is if you have a mutual friend, you can get her/him to enter a casual conversation with your crush and ask him if he likes you. Hopefully he will reveal his true feelings without you asking him directly. Just a thought. I didn't mention the meeting schedules because it's not like he never used to in the past. It's just that now it's a little different. For instance when I get home after seeing him and say 'thank you' for today, he says, things like 'next time I'll make you even happier. You know I can always make time, right?'. He even covered his ears once when I started talking about the failed dating and said "I don't want to hear about that". After this I said in a text that 'I think I am getting too used to you'. He didn't reply until the next day (which is unusual). When he replied, he apologised for the delay but did not say anything about my insinuation that I like him. He simply said 'See you next week sometime?' Then he cancelled. I wish he could just say it if he indeed likes me differently. He has nothing to lose. It would make both lives easier.
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