Shining One Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 It's driving me nuts, but not for the reason most people would assume. She was around 125 lbs. when we met and she's around 140 now. She is by no means fat, but she has noticed the change. The weight gain doesn't bother me, but her incessant need for validation that it doesn't bother me is becoming annoying. I get that she is very self conscious about it right now. Both of her sons tease her about it. When she's getting ready to go out, she'll try on various outfits and reject several saying "I'm too fat to wear this." Earlier tonight, she was looking through old videos on my computer and she saw a video of me dancing with a friend several years ago. In the video, I picked my friend up and spun her around (she's a tiny girl). Immediately after, my girlfriend asks (again!) if I think she's gotten too big and why I never take her out dancing. I reassure her and remind her that she doesn't like dancing and she's always turned me down when I suggested it, so I stopped asking. It doesn't help that most of my female friends are thinner than her. How do I get her to stop seeking reassurance or at least tone it down to a less frequent rate? I've suggested we work out together, but she doesn't like the gym. She prefers to run in the park, which she does with her kids. I can't run outside to my knee condition, so I get my cardio on the elliptical or the bicycles. I've started cooking lighter meals for us whenever she comes over. I'm not sure what else to do to help the situation.
kjohn Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 The only thing that I can think of is to shower her with compliments. Don't wait for her to ask what you think of how she looks. Tell her frequently without her having to ask. Tell her that her jeans make her butt look good. Tell her how hot she looks. Tell her that she is beautiful. All you can do is reassure her that you still find her attractive. The real work has to be done inside of her, but if you hear something enough you start to believe it so the trick is to have your voice drown out her own internal voice that is constantly telling her she is fat and not good enough. 2
carhill Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 OP, I won't give you advice but I can tell you one thing.... I did all that loving support stuff and I'm divorced. My male friends who've had long marriages either say nothing or are blunt and sometimes mean. I've seen them in action over the decades, many times. My exW was 5'1" and 170 at her lightest. Fortunately, she didn't constantly seek validation. Part of being older I guess. Good luck.
Maleficent Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 I suggest you have a good talk with her on the subject. Tell her you are more than willing to support and encourage her if she wants to lose the weight. But she needs to know you are not responsible for her self-esteem and it gets heavy always having to reassure someone in a relationship. 2
RoseVille Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 It's so frustrating when people are frustrated with their partner's weight trying to get them to workout. You can't exercise away a cruddy diet. Diet makes up 80% of whether you gain, lose, or maintain. That's what she needs to work on, not working out. As for your specific twist of a problem, I wouldn't be showering her with compliments. I'd flat out tell her that it's really unattractive that she's spending so much time and evergy complaining about something and not doing anything to change it. I'd make sure she knows you love her and find her sexy as she is physically, but it's her attitude that's a turn off. 1
Keenly Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Enabling her insecurity is not your job. If she is so worried about it, she needs to do something about it. 3
newmoon Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 you should probably be asking her if she is having problems at work, if she's happy in the relationship, if she has child/ex-baby daddy issues, etc. weight gain can be a symptom of something else - some problems that aren't being addressed, and the need for validation is just part of that downward spiral. focus less on the exercise/eating and more on finding out the real problem behind the weight gain.
Arieswoman Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Shining one, How tall is your g/f? 125/140 lbs means nothing if not related to height.
Author Shining One Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Shining one, How tall is your g/f? 125/140 lbs means nothing if not related to height. She's 5'6".
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Enabling her insecurity is not your job. If she is so worried about it, she needs to do something about it. You tell her you love her, no matter what. Then gently tell her that if she feels slightly overweight and isn't feeling happy then it is up to her to do something about it and you'll help support her however you can. Suggest that she joins a gym, or does a yoga class, or go swimming. Cook meals together, healthy ones. Tell her that if she is feeling insecure and not as confident as she used to feel, then talking to a therapist to help bring up her self esteem could help too.
Arieswoman Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 ShiningOne, At 5' 6" and 140 lbs your g/f has a BMI ( Body Mass Index ) of 22.6 which is within the normal range. I don't see what the problem is here ?
carhill Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 The OP outlined the problem here: "The weight gain doesn't bother me, but her incessant need for validation that it doesn't bother me is becoming annoying."
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 How long has this been going on, OP? And how old is your GF? If it's only been a few weeks and maybe medical / hormonal change issues are playing a part, then be a little more patient and see what she intends to do about it. She may still be processing the new changes in her body. If it's been months and she still feels really insecure without taking action (bearing in mind age / hormonal balance / genetics can play a part in her rate of success despite her best efforts), then you can gently tell her you've noticed she has become increasingly insecure and you can also ask her what you could do to help her feel better about herself both in words and in action.
xxoo Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 She's a healthy weight, but wants to shed vanity pounds. You don't have to seriously entertain the topic. When she brings up her weight gain, or parts that she feels insecure about, ask, "are you trying to turn me on?" And give her a lusty kiss. DON'T be audience to her putting herself down. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 She's a healthy weight, but wants to shed vanity pounds With all due respect, how do you know? Weight distribution affects ppl differently and your actual weight is no reflection of your health and can also be deceiving; ppl don't always look their weight.
xxoo Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 With all due respect, how do you know? Weight distribution affects ppl differently and your actual weight is no reflection of your health and can also be deceiving; ppl don't always look their weight. Because he told us. I'd want to lose the pounds, too. But she needs to poop or get off the pot, and he shouldn't reinforce her complaining with a lot of attention. 1
Author Shining One Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 How long has this been going on, OP? And how old is your GF?This has been going on for at least four months. She is 32.When she brings up her weight gain, or parts that she feels insecure about, ask, "are you trying to turn me on?" And give her a lusty kiss. DON'T be audience to her putting herself down.I like this idea!
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Because he told us. I'd want to lose the pounds, too. But she needs to poop or get off the pot, and he shouldn't reinforce her complaining with a lot of attention. That's me told! That makes sense then . 1
Els Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Have you actually had a talk with her about it where you stated point-blank that you still think she looks great and her weight isn't an issue for you (and that her constant validation-seeking is the actual issue), or did you dance around it as you did in your OP? Meaning no offense, but I see no mention in your OP that you actually said that. I mean, I can see both sides here. Weight and relationships is a difficult issue for women to be secure about, because of all the messages thrown at them by society about it (heck, LS is one of the prime vectors of these messages). I've seen very levelheaded women get down about their very healthy weight at times. It's sad, and not entirely their fault. That being said, if you're doing all you can to let her know that you think she looks great and that her complaining is bothering you, then she also needs to make a stronger effort to stop complaining about it. 1
carhill Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 OP, I was fixing breakfast and a thought came to mind, actually a question..... is this apparent insecurity about weight a glaring anomaly in an otherwise confident and secure person or have you observed other signs of insecurity about other, non-weight-related, issues? Also, presuming you're a less than perfect guy and have some weak points or moments in your life, how does she respond when you share them?
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Have you actually had a talk with her about it where you stated point-blank that you still think she looks great and her weight isn't an issue for you (and that her constant validation-seeking is the actual issue), or did you dance around it as you did in your OP? Meaning no offense, but I see no mention in your OP that you actually said that. I mean, I can see both sides here. Weight and relationships is a difficult issue for women to be secure about, because of all the messages thrown at them by society about it (heck, LS is one of the prime vectors of these messages). I've seen very levelheaded women get down about their very healthy weight at times. It's sad, and not entirely their fault. That being said, if you're doing all you can to let her know that you think she looks great and that her complaining is bothering you, then she also needs to make a stronger effort to stop complaining about it. I agree with most of the above. I have to talk to ppl about their weight on a regular basis ib my line of work and even when it's health related it's very tricky. I fully acknowlegde I've never had weight issues myself but I know it's a minefield, especially on LS where it's toso easy to offend someone when trying to give advice to another. The OP's GF isn't he to tell us how she's been affected by her weight and I'm still not sure what vanity pounds are so it's a little tricky to advise the OP on anything he won't have thought out himself. 1
Author Shining One Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Have you actually had a talk with her about it where you stated point-blank that you still think she looks great and her weight isn't an issue for you (and that her constant validation-seeking is the actual issue), or did you dance around it as you did in your OP?Yes, I have told her on multiple occasions that she looks great and that her slight weight gain doesn't bother me at all. However, I have not been vocal enough about her constant need for validation getting on my nerves. I'll tell her to "stop asking" and she will, for that evening.is this apparent insecurity about weight a glaring anomaly in an otherwise confident and secure person or have you observed other signs of insecurity about other, non-weight-related, issues?She has a few cases of insecurity here and there, but nothing to this level.Also, presuming you're a less than perfect guy and have some weak points or moments in your life, how does she respond when you share them?She is supportive and tries to help if she can.
carhill Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Yes, I have told her on multiple occasions that she looks great and that her slight weight gain doesn't bother me at all. However, I have not been vocal enough about her constant need for validation getting on my nerves. I'll tell her to "stop asking" and she will, for that evening. She has a few cases of insecurity here and there, but nothing to this level. She is supportive and tries to help if she can. IMO, those are some aspects you can focus on, but not dwell upon, specifically that, overall, your impressions of her are positive and confidence inspiring and that, you, yourself, aren't perfect. Then, like suggested by others, an action of affection and 'we'll get through this together' and move on.
TheGuard13 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Been there. The insecurity can be a lot more troubling than the weight she's gained. Has this been a pattern in your relationship, or is this just recent?
beatcuff Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 It's driving me nuts, but not for the reason most people would assume...How do I get her to stop seeking reassurance or at least tone it down to a less frequent rate? sometimes a lengthy 'explanation' loses the actual question/problem. and i almost missed it as well. this has nothing to do with the weight gain but with her insecurity of your affection. i assume you either hinted, stated outright or made it obvious you prefer thin. fine, maybe you never said 'i hate fat girls' but expressions is a form of communication as well. first decide what you want. then have a talk. pick a quiet moment, no alcohol AND certainly not after she complains about it. she really does not want reassurance. so explain what you stated in your first post then ask her what the real issue is, then shut up. let silence cause her to open up. if it looks like she wants 'it to go away', tell you need this to be discussed, now. be mindful to say what you really mean: don't say 'i will love you at any weight' if there is a upper limit. other OPs --- please stop telling him that 140 is 'fine'. its his opinion/attraction/hangup or not. much like Carhill --- been there tried that and lost every time.
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