chickenlegs Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 Hi all, I'm seeing a wonderful young woman, and while I don't know how serious the whole deal will become, I've come upon a bit of a roadblock with allowing myself to get closer to her. Her last boyfriend, a serious, live-in relationship, ended up a schizophrenic, and one night after she had gotten out of the relationship, he did the usual "lets just talk, as friends, closure" thing. (And for the girls out there who hear this line, please don't immediately interpret it as portending domestic violence. I am sure a lot of messed up guys just want to talk pleasantly). well, the situation turned badly, and he ended up hitting her a few times. I've seen the pictures she took of herself afterward, in case she decided to get the police involved, and the bruises are numerous. And to top this off, when I met her, she was still sending him a monthly letter, keeping in touch with his parents, etc. When I explained to her that her graciousness and genuine concern for someone she was close to only helped him to feel better about what he did, and that "killing him with kindness" was a fiction perpetuated by motivational speakers, she agreed, and liked me all the better for being upfront about it. THis was a few months ago. The issue for me is two fold. I feel at once kind of sorry for her, the way you feel sorry for a naive little puppy who lavishes its love on those who mistreat it precisely because they mistreat it, and secondly, I resent her for being so kind to an ex who actually caused her physical harm, when my ex treated so terribly, and I was as good to her as i knew how. My ex isn't an issue, really, as far as wanting to be with her. But to see that a man can behave so terribly and still be treated warmly, while I, however unhappy the relationship was, was dumped with enthusiastic cruelty. Maybe I'm being a pretty selfish a**h*** about thsi. I haven't shared how resentful I feel, and she already knows the many reasons to stop writing her ex, and she stopped as soon I talked with her about it,the day after she told me he had hit her. I don't know. I guess being with her sometimes reminds me that no matter how well I treat a person, the way they treat me, good or bad, hasn't got much to do with how I've treated them.
bluechocolate Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 What's the issue here? You spoke to her & she's stopped communicating with the guy? You say he developed schizophrenia. If he wasn't violent with her in the past it could be that the violence was related to his illness. Of course that doesn't mean it's OK but sometimes people with a mental illness cannot always control their actions. I haven't shared how resentful I feel .... Resentful about what? The fact that you treated your ex nicely & was dumped by her whereas he hit her & she's still nice to him? Sorry, but I don't get it. I guess being with her sometimes reminds me that no matter how well I treat a person, the way they treat me, good or bad, hasn't got much to do with how I've treated them. Apologies again, but that really doesn't make much sense to me. My ex isn't an issue Are you sure about that? It sounds to me like you have some unresolved issues there & you're projecting them onto your present g/friend.
faux Posted May 8, 2005 Posted May 8, 2005 I also cannot understand what you are trying to get at here. Could you please clarify things? What sort of input are you seeking?
amerikajin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Basically, you're thinking along the lines of "all women want a_sholes," which isn't true. I think your girlfriend has issues with self-esteem. She's probably a sweetheart, and perhaps too much of a sweetheart at times. You said that your ex isn't an issue, but I beg to differ here; I think she is an issue. I think you feel mistreated by her, and your experience is now juxtaposed with that of your current girl. Please, don't do that. Your EX was the b!tch, not this girl. This girl probably just isn't strong enough to write off someone like her ex completely. Even so, your ex has apparently ceased contact with her, so I'd say that this shouldn't be an issue anymore. Try to move on here.
UCFKevin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Well, at least she wasn't making excuses for what happened. I talked to this girl a while back who's ex used to beat her and she told me, "Well, it wasn't his fault, he would come home in a bad mood and I'd say the wrong thing and I'd pay for it, it was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything." I was infuriated to hear that kind of bulls***.
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