laelithia Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Here they are: 1. He is my "type". He has the most beautiful, piercing green eyes I have ever seen with heavy jet black lashes. I don't think I'll ever date someone I will find as attractive. 2. I loved his name, and thought mine with his last one would fit perfectly. 3. He played hockey (my favourite sport) professionally and is still very good. 4. He's one of the effortlessly "cool kids" and I felt proud and lucky he chose me. He'd never had a serious relationship before me and he was 28. 5. He had a troubled past and opened up to me about it despite being a very private person. Again, I felt honoured. 6. I love his friends and his lifestyle and I became a part of it. Now that it's over I feel left out and bored. 7. A gut feeling I've never had before that I will never truly get over him and not want to be with him (even if I find someone better). Help me see these aren't the important things...
RocketQueen Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 All of the reasons you list are very superficial and don't list any of his characteristics etc. I presume he broke up with you? The bottom line is, you can write lists as long as your arm but being in a relationship is a two sided thing, if you're not working out as a couple for whatever reason for one of you - it just won't work. You will eventually find someone else who ticks all of your boxes, breaking up is never easy. 3
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Help me see these aren't the important things... I'd simply *love* to be able to do that. But I can't...because you've made them important things and you won't let go that they're important things. So...how can I help you let go from this idea that they're important things? (Because, they're not what is truly important qualities or characteristics...not in a human being and not for a relationship to express even close to it's highest potential, but...) Where did it come from in the first place, that they even *may* be important things?
Oregon_Dude Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Reasons I still can't get over her: -gorgeous cat eyes -great sex, naughty as hell -smart, funny Reasons I should get over her: -untrustworthy -emotionally immature -self-centered -childish -moody, hot and cold -passive-aggressive (silent treatment, sh*t talks everyone) -eating issues -OCD, anxiety, depression -has three cats -only child, spoiled I could go on. Bad news. 4
Oregon_Dude Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Red flags. Not good things: 4. He'd never had a serious relationship before me and he was 28. 5. He had a troubled past and opened up to me about it despite being a very private person. Again, I felt honoured. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 When you fall in love with someone else, all those things will no longer be special. In fact, you'll probably remember the bad parts more than the good ones later on. You're still deep under his spell.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Most of those sound really superficial to be quite honest. 2
guest569 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Here they are: 1. He is my "type". He has the most beautiful, piercing green eyes I have ever seen with heavy jet black lashes. I don't think I'll ever date someone I will find as attractive. 2. I loved his name, and thought mine with his last one would fit perfectly. 3. He played hockey (my favourite sport) professionally and is still very good. 4. He's one of the effortlessly "cool kids" and I felt proud and lucky he chose me. He'd never had a serious relationship before me and he was 28. 5. He had a troubled past and opened up to me about it despite being a very private person. Again, I felt honoured. 6. I love his friends and his lifestyle and I became a part of it. Now that it's over I feel left out and bored. 7. A gut feeling I've never had before that I will never truly get over him and not want to be with him (even if I find someone better). Help me see these aren't the important things... OP, I would say that all aside from perhaps no.5 are superficial, with no.7 probably being utter nonsense (you will get over him when you're ready and you can be happy again in a new relationship, just takes time) and of course the superficial ones are not important. His eye colour and surname and he is "cool"? You're clutching at straws i think. You will definitely get over him. Hang in there and we are here to help you along the way
Author laelithia Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Thanks everyone for your feedback. As I titled this post, these are the ridiculous reasons I can't seem to move on, not the only ones. There are legitimate ones as well (extremely loyal, hard working, smart, etc.) but I struggle with the "ridiculous" ones because I know they don't matter, yet they do to me. They made him unique, and I worry I will ever feel as strongly about another man as I do about him. We broke up (I dumped him) a year ago, and although I dated others, I never really got over him. I truly wonder if I ever will. He was my dream man, except I couldn't make him happy enough to stay.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 If he was your dream man, why did you dump him? There must have been some dealbreakers in there somewhere. What were they?
Author laelithia Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 He has an anger problem (ex. When he's late or rushed he'll throw things around and yell), he has past emotional trauma he hasn't dealt with yet, he can be selfish and self-serving, he seems unwilling/not ready to fully settle down (wants to be single for his November trip to Asia), needs a lot of space and alone time, unable to handle stressful emotional conversations, and moody. He is not all these things all the time, but they have come out throughout the relationship. I see so much potential in him (I feel like 99% of his bad traits are due to poor coping skills with the trauma in his past) and when things were good, which was most of the time, I felt amazing with him. I was so happy I wouldn't feel the need to check my phone, wonder what other people were up to, or want to be anywhere else. Even if we weren't doing anything exciting. Now that it's over, I'm dealing with extreme feelings of grief and loss, mixed in with feelings of regret and failure to not help him enough to have a normal, healthy relationship with me
singsparkles Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Here they are: 1. He is my "type". He has the most beautiful, piercing green eyes I have ever seen with heavy jet black lashes. I don't think I'll ever date someone I will find as attractive. 2. I loved his name, and thought mine with his last one would fit perfectly. 3. He played hockey (my favourite sport) professionally and is still very good. 4. He's one of the effortlessly "cool kids" and I felt proud and lucky he chose me. He'd never had a serious relationship before me and he was 28. 5. He had a troubled past and opened up to me about it despite being a very private person. Again, I felt honoured. 6. I love his friends and his lifestyle and I became a part of it. Now that it's over I feel left out and bored. 7. A gut feeling I've never had before that I will never truly get over him and not want to be with him (even if I find someone better). Help me see these aren't the important things... I've been there. It sounds like complete infatuation. And infatuation can be camouflaged into love at times. Ask yourself...what did he do for YOU? If you can't find much, then try and think clearly. I know his looks caught your attention, and looks catch everyone's attention, but they're not enough to keep a relationship going. I used to be like you at a younger age-- when a cute guy and I broke up, it was the end of the world (not saying you're young, but i was like this when Ii was younger) as I've aged. the more I realize looks are such bull****. I'd rather be in love with someone decent looking who treats me like a princess than someone who is drop dead gorgeous who only cares about himself and acts vain in every situation. Humility is attractive and in 80% of dudes who know theyre hot and use that against women do not possess a quality called Humility. After awhile, w dudes like this, it WILL get boring if they have nothing else to offer. Think of this as a get out of jail free card. You're free now to do whatever you want. Go out with your girlfriends. Have some fun. If you meet a cute cool guy, then thats just a bonus. :-) I say leave this one in the past. And stay strong, beautiful! xox:love:
singsparkles Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Reasons I still can't get over her: -gorgeous cat eyes -great sex, naughty as hell -smart, funny Reasons I should get over her: -untrustworthy -emotionally immature -self-centered -childish -moody, hot and cold -passive-aggressive (silent treatment, sh*t talks everyone) -eating issues -OCD, anxiety, depression -has three cats -only child, spoiled I could go on. Bad news. wonderfully sad, OreganDude. It seems as if you do make a list of someone who keeps hurting you who you think you're still in love with, the list ends up with way more cons than pros. Cons definitely outweigh the pros.
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