Has he changed?

[moarlisa]

We’ve been together for almost a year. When he lost his job, I moved in with him because I found a new job and also to help with his rent, and we’ve been living together for about six months. Now he’s working two of his own jobs and is pretty stressed out about it and making ends meet. I created his business’ website for him and help him out sometimes with his work. He is very patient with me and funny and we get along.

 

But he has a past history of being a player, sleeping around, cheating. I know he slept with other women when we started dating but he hasn’t done it since we started living together.

 

He is charming and outgoing so I get the feeling sometimes that he’s up to something, and I do get jealous when he talks to other women in public. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t talk much about his feelings or what he’s thinking emotionally so I’ve had to go in and check his e-mail and text messages because he’s hiding things from me.

 

Through that I’ve caught him multiple times talking to different girls and even exes. Nothing sexual or anything but why does he have to keep them a secret from me? They also don’t seem to know about me. His friends don’t even know we live together yet. I don’t understand why he has to keep things from me.

 

A couple of times I’ve looked at his texts and we’ve gotten into shouting fights with him hitting or throwing things so he does seem to be sorry for what he did. I made him block and stop talking to these girls and he has followed through so far. Do you think he is finally changing his ways? He wouldn’t put up with so much from me if he isn’t…right?

[Qboro90]

Let's go through a few things:

 

1. He cheated on you multiple times and had sex with other girls when you started dating.

2. A year together, And his friends don't know you're living together for 6 months

3. He interacts with other girls regularly, reaches out to ex gf's, doesn't make it known that he has a girlfriend.

4. You need to monitor and check his phone/social media in order to find out what he's doing or who he's talking to.

5. When you check his texts or confront him he becomes aggressive and throws/hits things and you take that as being apologetic caring? Wtf. That's not how someone who's sorry or who cares too much acts. That's textbook aggressive and controlling behavior on his part.

 

Why are you still with this guy? Yea he's probably very good looking and charming and attractive to other women so you find him appealing but the facts show clearly that he's just going to look elsewhere no matter how good you are to him, most likely because he gets an ego boost from chasing, flirting, sleeping with other women.

 

He's just not a good boyfriend, pretty sure you should've come to that conclusion already. At this point I think you've established that you will let things go and there are no consequences to his actions. For goodness sake you knew he cheated on you when you started dating and that wasn't even a deterrent. He cheated on you and his punishment was you supporting him and paying his rent 6 months later. If I was him I'd see no need to change either. He's just getting better at avoiding your questions and emotions as time passes. Or being able to divert your attention to some thing else. Example: you check his phone and see he's texting other girls. He has no excuse ready so he just starts a temper tantrum and throws/breaks things so you end ho saying "calm down calm down I'm sorry i didn't mean to get you upset"

 

Lol can you see how warped that is? You're saying sorry for him texting other girls because he throws a fit. So to answer your question. YES he is changing. He's changing to become better at manipulating you and getting you to want to believe his lies rather than face the truth that your BF is an *******.

[elaine567]

He is using an emotional escape.

 

Watch -

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think he's changed his ways. You're now getting to see his true colours. You barely knew him when you moved in together, you did so not out of a desire to make a bigger commitment but to help out with rent. And now you are experiencing who this man is. Looks like he's not who you thought he was. Or at least that he's hasn't changed his old ways, and wouldn't have unless you found out what he was up to. Of course he would keep around because he knows it's a sure and constant source of affection and attention when he wants it. But honey, a guy who's actually into you would do the things he does. He's playing you right now.

 

Is that really how you envisioned your boyfriend? Someone who sleeps around while dating you, talks to other women behind your back, and shouts and hitsand throws things when he gets angry? Sounds pretty awful to me. Why are you hanging on?

[moarlisa]

Let's go through a few things:

 

1. He cheated on you multiple times and had sex with other girls when you started dating.

2. A year together, And his friends don't know you're living together for 6 months

3. He interacts with other girls regularly, reaches out to ex gf's, doesn't make it known that he has a girlfriend.

4. You need to monitor and check his phone/social media in order to find out what he's doing or who he's talking to.

5. When you check his texts or confront him he becomes aggressive and throws/hits things and you take that as being apologetic caring? Wtf. That's not how someone who's sorry or who cares too much acts. That's textbook aggressive and controlling behavior on his part.

 

Why are you still with this guy?

 

Is that really how you envisioned your boyfriend? Someone who sleeps around while dating you, talks to other women behind your back, and shouts and hitsand throws things when he gets angry? Sounds pretty awful to me. Why are you hanging on?

 

Thanks for the responses. Why do I still stay? I've never really had a serious boyfriend before and I really like him. And because I can't be 100 percent sure he's a bad guy or playing me.

 

To elaborate on some things...He did sleep with other women when we first started dating and weren't "official" yet. But his friends all agree that he hasn't done it in a while so maybe he is committing?

 

From what I know his exes and other girls are the ones who reach out to him. He texts with them but I don't think he's actually met up with any of them besides one that I know of. And that one's convos with him are not sexual or anything but I still got jealous and made him block her and stop talking to her.

 

I knoe it's wrong to look into his stuff but he is such a private person. He has been really patient with me because I know my jealousy can get too much to handle and when I push him over the edge, that's when he gets angry. But he has stopped talking to all those girls. It's just that so far, with every one I've caught him and told him to stop talking to, after a while another one comes up when I look at his texts.

 

Other than that we get a long really well. I also moved in with him because it was more convenient for me too, not just to pay his rent. I know he has a reputation as a player but maybe he's changing.

 

Am I being delusional or is there some validity in what I'm thinking?

[elaine567]

t's just that so far, with every one I've caught him and told him to stop talking to, after a while another one comes up when I look at his texts.

 

Look at the video I posted. Classic player behaviour.

 

He pops up an emotion to cover what he doesn't want to talk about. He gets angry gets into shouting matches over the texts, and a while later is still texting other girls, as if the anger and the fight never happened. He used the anger and the shouting match to calm you down and to take you off the scent and as soon as things your end went back to normal, he is back to texting other girls.

[No Limit]

Girl, run. Far away from this guy. ASAP!

You're being used and played like a fiddle.

[mrnova]

We’ve been together for almost a year. When he lost his job, I moved in with him because I found a new job and also to help with his rent, and we’ve been living together for about six months. Now he’s working two of his own jobs and is pretty stressed out about it and making ends meet. I created his business’ website for him and help him out sometimes with his work. He is very patient with me and funny and we get along.

 

But he has a past history of being a player, sleeping around, cheating. I know he slept with other women when we started dating but he hasn’t done it since we started living together.

 

He is charming and outgoing so I get the feeling sometimes that he’s up to something, and I do get jealous when he talks to other women in public. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t talk much about his feelings or what he’s thinking emotionally so I’ve had to go in and check his e-mail and text messages because he’s hiding things from me.

 

Through that I’ve caught him multiple times talking to different girls and even exes. Nothing sexual or anything but why does he have to keep them a secret from me? They also don’t seem to know about me. His friends don’t even know we live together yet. I don’t understand why he has to keep things from me.

 

A couple of times I’ve looked at his texts and we’ve gotten into shouting fights with him hitting or throwing things so he does seem to be sorry for what he did. I made him block and stop talking to these girls and he has followed through so far. Do you think he is finally changing his ways? He wouldn’t put up with so much from me if he isn’t…right?

Sounds like you got a real winner. Better keep a hold of him. There are many women would love to date him.

[fitnessfan365]

It's interesting. Everyone has been coming down on this guy. But no one calls the OP out on the fact that she invaded his privacy going through emails and texts. I think it's wrong that she did so, and if she can't trust the guy how's she going to sustain a healthy relationship with him? Also, he should be with someone who trusts him and doesn't act like a spy.

[elaine567]

It's interesting. Everyone has been coming down on this guy. But no one calls the OP out on the fact that she invaded his privacy going through emails and texts. I think it's wrong that she did so, and if she can't trust the guy how's she going to sustain a healthy relationship with him? Also, he should be with someone who trusts him and doesn't act like a spy.

 

Big difference between invading privacy due to suspicion of cheating and just invading privacy for the hell of it.

OP suspicious with due cause, he already cheated on her and her suspicion that he has been regularly chatting to other woman has been confirmed too.

 

But you are correct this is NOT a trusting relationship and that isn't healthy going forward.

[TunaCat]

It's interesting. Everyone has been coming down on this guy. But no one calls the OP out on the fact that she invaded his privacy going through emails and texts. I think it's wrong that she did so, and if she can't trust the guy how's she going to sustain a healthy relationship with him?

 

FF, I actually was going to call the OP out on this. I'd be furious if someone I was seeing went through my emails & texts. Honestly, that would end the relationship for me. The minute the OP felt the need to do that, is the minute she should have ended the relationship.

[xcupid]

 

A couple of times I’ve looked at his texts and we’ve gotten into shouting fights with him hitting or throwing things so he does seem to be sorry for what he did. I made him block and stop talking to these girls and he has followed through so far. Do you think he is finally changing his ways? He wouldn’t put up with so much from me if he isn’t…right?

 

 

Red flags all over the place with this. Is he changing his ways? No, not at all. He's just going to be more careful that you don't catch him. I get the impression you're convenient for him right now, that's why he's putting up with you. If you don't trust him then why are you in a relationship with him? Just because he's charming and outgoing doesn't make him a good partner.

[joseb]

FF, I actually was going to call the OP out on this. I'd be furious if someone I was seeing went through my emails & texts. Honestly, that would end the relationship for me. The minute the OP felt the need to do that, is the minute she should have ended the relationship.

 

Yip if she did that to me id be out of there too.

 

The other thing people seemed to miss is him "hitting and throwing things", and the OP seemed to think this was a good thing???

From her side i would be out of there the minute he did that.

[moarlisa]

Red flags all over the place with this. Is he changing his ways? No, not at all. He's just going to be more careful that you don't catch him. I get the impression you're convenient for him right now, that's why he's putting up with you.

 

I'm wondering how he can even try to cheat when we live together and are with each other every day.

 

Big difference between invading privacy due to suspicion of cheating and just invading privacy for the hell of it.

OP suspicious with due cause, he already cheated on her and her suspicion that he has been regularly chatting to other woman has been confirmed too.

 

But you are correct this is NOT a trusting relationship and that isn't healthy going forward.

 

Yes, I know reading his texts and emails are invasions of privacy but like elaine567 said, I had a feeling he was keeping things from me. I also watched the video you linked and that makes a little sense...After our fights about this stuff he agrees to stop talking to the girls and work on us a day at a time. I interpret that as him putting in effort towards a commitment...

 

Sounds like you got a real winner. Better keep a hold of him. There are many women would love to date him.

 

Sorry I'm confused. Is this sarcasm?

 

The other thing people seemed to miss is him "hitting and throwing things", and the OP seemed to think this was a good thing???

From her side i would be out of there the minute he did that.

 

No no I didn't say it was a good thing. Just that I thought it meant that this all means something to him for him to get so heated like that.

 

And if so many of you agree that I'm invading his privacy and that you would break up with me if I did that to you, why didn't he break up with me?

 

I know this is probably not right but I like him too much to break up...And there's a possibility that he is TRYING to change...I don't know. Besides all these issues we ARE happy. I just don't know if this outweighs the happy bits.

[TunaCat]

And if so many of you agree that I'm invading his privacy and that you would break up with me if I did that to you, why didn't he break up with me?

 

Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He wants you to break up with him so he can remain the "good guy" in front of others.

 

I don't understand how you can still like him given everything he has done. Where is your self respect. Why aren't you standing up for yourself and demanding better treatment?

 

How can you be okay with a guy who throws & hits things? That is extremely immature. That would tell me that he has anger issues.

 

Do you really want to deal with that?

[GemmaUK]

If it were me with this guy I wouldn't care that he was texting/mailing anyone.

I would care about hitting things and throwing things and I would be out of there like a shot.

 

He sounds like he has anger issues, is emotionally abusive, a manipulator and could well become physically abusive too.

[katiegrl]

If it were me with this guy I wouldn't care that he was texting/mailing anyone.

I would care about hitting things and throwing things and I would be out of there like a shot.

 

He sounds like he has anger issues, is emotionally abusive, a manipulator and could well become physically abusive too.

 

Agree. Sadly, many women don't quite *get it* until their boyfriends start *physically* abusing them, and even then, they still won't leave. Claiming they can't as they *love* them too much to leave.

 

Really sad.

[moarlisa]

Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He wants you to break up with him so he can remain the "good guy" in front of others.

 

I don't understand how you can still like him given everything he has done. Where is your self respect. Why aren't you standing up for yourself and demanding better treatment?

 

How can you be okay with a guy who throws & hits things? That is extremely immature. That would tell me that he has anger issues.

 

Do you really want to deal with that?

 

So if I never break up with him, he'll never break up with me? Not going to test that theory, I'm just wondering.

 

Agree. Sadly, many women don't quite *get it* until their boyfriends start *physically* abusing them, and even then, they still won't leave. Claiming they can't as they *love* them too much to leave.

 

Really sad.

 

He has NEVER directed his physical anger at me and it was really only once that he broke something. Usually he's pretty quiet but then I force an explanation out of him, which is when he starts to get angry.

He served with the Army in the Middle East so I am taking that anger as part of his experience there, not a psychological/abuse issue.

 

If it were me with this guy I wouldn't care that he was texting/mailing anyone.

I would care about hitting things and throwing things and I would be out of there like a shot.

 

He sounds like he has anger issues, is emotionally abusive, a manipulator and could well become physically abusive too.

 

How is he a manipulator and emotionally abusive? Now that he's stopped talking to other girls and cheating, I am trying hard to believe we will be okay and he has committed...

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, dear.

 

OP, I don't know how old you are (sorry if I missed that somewhere in the thread) but this all leaves me with the impression that you don't have much experience with men or relationships. Is that correct? This is not a bad thing at all, by the way. We all start somewhere, and we learn as we go.

 

However, the wrong men will completely take advantage of your inexperience and you'll be left thinking that their behaviour isn't that out of line. This guy's behavior is extremely inappropriate. Hitting and throwing and breaking things is disturbing and would be a dealbreaker for me. Why? It demonstrates a lack of self-control and problems with anger, which in my books have zero place in a relationship. That could well one day be turned against you. You are already assuming some of the responsibility by saying he only does that when you press him for an explanation. Don't try to justify or excuse it. If he's not getting help for that, and with whatever problems may be hanging on from his time in the service, it's not going to get better. His angry outbursts have zero to do with his level of commitment to you - none at all. So save yourself the hassle of trying to paint a silver lining on his temper, because there just isn't one.

 

Was it wrong to go through his private messages? Yes. But the moment you felt the need to do that was the moment you should've walked away. You know you can't trust him. You know he chats with other girls. Unfortunately, you're very easy/convenient for him. He does crappy things and you're still there. Of course he wouldn't break up with you. That's not how men (and women) like him operate.

[moarlisa]

Oh, dear.

 

OP, I don't know how old you are (sorry if I missed that somewhere in the thread) but this all leaves me with the impression that you don't have much experience with men or relationships. Is that correct? This is not a bad thing at all, by the way. We all start somewhere, and we learn as we go.

 

However, the wrong men will completely take advantage of your inexperience and you'll be left thinking that their behaviour isn't that out of line. This guy's behavior is extremely inappropriate. Hitting and throwing and breaking things is disturbing and would be a dealbreaker for me. Why? It demonstrates a lack of self-control and problems with anger, which in my books have zero place in a relationship. That could well one day be turned against you. You are already assuming some of the responsibility by saying he only does that when you press him for an explanation. Don't try to justify or excuse it. If he's not getting help for that, and with whatever problems may be hanging on from his time in the service, it's not going to get better. His angry outbursts have zero to do with his level of commitment to you - none at all. So save yourself the hassle of trying to paint a silver lining on his temper, because there just isn't one.

 

Was it wrong to go through his private messages? Yes. But the moment you felt the need to do that was the moment you should've walked away. You know you can't trust him. You know he chats with other girls. Unfortunately, you're very easy/convenient for him. He does crappy things and you're still there. Of course he wouldn't break up with you. That's not how men (and women) like him operate.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am 24 and he is older so has a lot more experience. I really have no one to compare him to. He is my first real boyfriend physically and emotionally. When we argue and he gets angry, I always thought it meant that we mean something to him. And he gets over it very quickly.

 

He is not talking to any other girls right now that I know of.

 

You sound like you know a lot about guys like my boyfriend. You're saying he wouldn't break up with me because I am convenient. How DO guys like that operate?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the advice. I am 24 and he is older so has a lot more experience. I really have no one to compare him to. He is my first real boyfriend physically and emotionally. When we argue and he gets angry, I always thought it meant that we mean something to him. And he gets over it very quickly.

 

He is not talking to any other girls right now that I know of.

 

You sound like you know a lot about guys like my boyfriend. You're saying he wouldn't break up with me because I am convenient. How DO guys like that operate?

 

They keep you around until someone else really catches their interest. Then you're out the door and they've already moved on. They get the best of both worlds: a girlfriend to come home to and fun on the side. You are also providing some financial support here. Of course he's not going to want to lost that either.

 

Yes, I have experience with men like your boyfriend. The fact that you even needed to check up on him about secretly talking to other girls says the relationship isn't on solid ground. A guy who really loved you wouldn't be talking to other girls like that in the first place. You would never have felt the need to go snooping about to begin with.

 

I also unfortunately have experience with men who have anger issues. It has nothing to do with their commitment to you or the relationship. I hope you can understand that. That, in my opinion, is the biggest red flag here. You need to really think about why you are brushing that off. It's a very bad sign.

[moarlisa]

They keep you around until someone else really catches their interest. Then you're out the door and they've already moved on. They get the best of both worlds: a girlfriend to come home to and fun on the side. You are also providing some financial support here. Of course he's not going to want to lost that either.

 

Yes, I have experience with men like your boyfriend. The fact that you even needed to check up on him about secretly talking to other girls says the relationship isn't on solid ground. A guy who really loved you wouldn't be talking to other girls like that in the first place. You would never have felt the need to go snooping about to begin with.

 

I also unfortunately have experience with men who have anger issues. It has nothing to do with their commitment to you or the relationship. I hope you can understand that. That, in my opinion, is the biggest red flag here. You need to really think about why you are brushing that off. It's a very bad sign.

 

Thank you for the gentle advice. I am going to really thing everything over. Not one person (besides the sarcastic one(?) on here seems to think there will be a positive outcome... He doesn't get angry easily but when he does, it's a little explosion and then he's over it.

 

About the bolded part: Does that mean he isn't really interested in ANY of the girls I've caught him talking to and hasn't ever been interested in anyone? If he listened to me and stopped talking to them, they must not mean much. And because he's so busy with his job and we live together, how is he supposed to find time to meet any other girls?

[connectwithhisheart]

I don't know why mans are doing this. He has less interest on you, mainly when you saw to do flat with some other girls or hiding thinks from you.

 

you can take suggest from expert as it is very important for life. Kristina Marchant she is relationship expert .

Edited August 9, 2015 by connectwithhisheart

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for the gentle advice. I am going to really thing everything over. Not one person (besides the sarcastic one(?) on here seems to think there will be a positive outcome... He doesn't get angry easily but when he does, it's a little explosion and then he's over it.

 

About the bolded part: Does that mean he isn't really interested in ANY of the girls I've caught him talking to and hasn't ever been interested in anyone? If he listened to me and stopped talking to them, they must not mean much. And because he's so busy with his job and we live together, how is he supposed to find time to meet any other girls?

 

It's impossible to say if they don't mean much. It'a also impossible to say whether he'll start chatting with them again, but be more sly about hiding it. The big problem is that it would've continued had you not caught him. That didn't come from his own desire to stop.

 

And believe me, people can always find a way. I lived with a man for 6 years, he worked all the time, and he found a way too. If they want it badly enough, they will do it. Don't assume that because you live together he can't step out. He's already showing you some big warning signs.

[moarlisa]

It's impossible to say if they don't mean much. It'a also impossible to say whether he'll start chatting with them again, but be more sly about hiding it. The big problem is that it would've continued had you not caught him. That didn't come from his own desire to stop.

 

And believe me, people can always find a way. I lived with a man for 6 years, he worked all the time, and he found a way too. If they want it badly enough, they will do it. Don't assume that because you live together he can't step out. He's already showing you some big warning signs.

 

That's a good point you bring up...He never actually met up with them, just texted. And I don't know if I'm being too jealous or worrying too much. The thing is that he never flat out told them he had a girlfriend (me!). But never told them he was single or available either...

 

I'm sorry to hear that that happened to you. Six years is a long time and I'm sure deep feelings were involved. To be honest, I'm not sure if I could ever be the one to break up with him first. He seems really into me but then also distant sometimes too.