cocorico Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 if u're a better deal. yeah some do.. "Better deal" is a very subjective assessment. And often, even if an OW is a "better deal" there are structural reasons why the MM can't leave - finances, kids, family, business, social situation, etc. it's a lot more complex than who is the "better deal". My fMM (now H) left because it became possible for him to leave - the kids were old enough to face another split, they'd seen the M not work out despite the xBW's promises - quickly broken - and they'd seen their father fall in love and find happiness. A few years earlier, it would not have been possible for them to accept that, and he'd have had to put them through trauma again, just as she'd done- which I don't think would have been possible for him. i don't think that would have made *me* a "worse deal" back then - but the situation would have required something else.
sandylee1 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 if u're a better deal. yeah some do.. Or if the benefits of being with the OW, outweigh everything he's built with his wife. I also think it takes some gumtion and backbone to leave, which not all men have. There's never a great time to leave, but when a MM with kids aged under 5 or so, says he'll leave when they go to college, I really think that the marriage is not as hellish as he claims, or he wouldn't sentence himself to another 13-16 years of misery. Nobody wants to live in misery. 1
andie1969 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) My ex husband left me for his OW. As far as I know they are still together 4 years on. Are they happy? I have no idea but the last time I saw him he looked like cr@p. As far as I'm concerned his OW is welcome to him, I would not want to be with someone who'd throw the person they were committed to under the bus without a second thought. Same here, currently going through a divorce that my ex-H initiated so he could be with the OW who was also married when they "met" online. He met her in person for the first time in Jan, and by April had already moved to another state to live with her. He and I have a 12 year old daughter he sees maybe once every 6 weeks. What kind of woman even wants a man like that?!?! The 2 lying cheaters deserve each other! Edited August 10, 2015 by andie1969 4
Arieswoman Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Mascara, The answer to your question is "yes" with the kicker "not very often". I know of 3 women whose husbands left for the OW. In 2 cases they were serial cheats and left after the 4th affair, but they left within 2 months of meeting the OW. In one case he'd never cheated before but again he left after about 6 weeks of meeting OW. All men were in their 40's ( if that is relevant?) The results after 15 years are 1 couple still together but not married, 2nd couple got married and he (WS) died a year later. Last couple - I don't know as BS died 2 years later so I lost contact. In my case exH was caught out and I threw him out and divorced him. Eventually he ended up with AP. I suppose that's OK if she wants my cast-offs
Got it Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Yes, we were both married prior when our affair started. We are both now divorced and married to each other. And yes we are very happy together. Is it always sunshine and roses? Nope, we drive each other batty sometimes. But we are very happy together. But there is a lot that has gone on in the years between working on our past, our present and our future to get to this point. No one has sat on their laurels waiting for life to hand them a better option. There are consequences to all actions and ownership of them, good and bad. 3
Timshel Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I was wondering how many on here actually have had the MM leave his wife? If so, did it work out the way you imagined? Was it everything you dreamed of? I always wonder with these threads, the question is if he/she is happier, more content with someone else. If you marry someone who grows/you grow, both of you grow away from each other, the answer is yes. If one person is discontented/unfulfilled in the relationship, it is impossible that the other person is. It's impossible. If you are not right for them, then an equal equation is they are equally not right for you. There is no loss.... 1
andie1969 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Mascara, The answer to your question is "yes" with the kicker "not very often". I know of 3 women whose husbands left for the OW. In 2 cases they were serial cheats and left after the 4th affair, but they left within 2 months of meeting the OW. In one case he'd never cheated before but again he left after about 6 weeks of meeting OW. All men were in their 40's ( if that is relevant?) The results after 15 years are 1 couple still together but not married, 2nd couple got married and he (WS) died a year later. Last couple - I don't know as BS died 2 years later so I lost contact. In my case exH was caught out and I threw him out and divorced him. Eventually he ended up with AP. I suppose that's OK if she wants my cast-offs I think it's very relevant, textbook mid-life crisis. There is a mid-life crisis forum I joined and it's mind boggling the number of affairs that happen during this time.
sandylee1 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I've known some couples IRL where the MM left his wife, but I also know of two others, both where the MM left and isn't happy, regrets leaving, but is too ashamed/stubborn to leave/divorce the OW (one is now married to the OW) and have another failed marriage to his name. In both cases the MM has begged to reconcile with the BW and they've both refused unless he leaves the OW first. Neither want to leave OW, unless the Ex/BW gives a guarantee of reconciliation, which neither will, so he sticks with OW. One BW openly admitted to using the WS as a FWB now, so she's technically the OW. As they have kids together, him going to her house is a regular thing and doesn't arouse suspicion. This BW also said whilst the OW is really great with her (BWs) kids and the kids like her a lot, she can see that OW doesn't look that happy either anymore. She reckons that the fact they caused so much devastation is keeping them together, to prove it was worth it.
cocorico Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I always wonder with these threads, the question is if he/she is happier, more content with someone else. If you marry someone who grows/you grow, both of you grow away from each other, the answer is yes. If one person is discontented/unfulfilled in the relationship, it is impossible that the other person is. It's impossible. If you are not right for them, then an equal equation is they are equally not right for you. There is no loss.... I also thought this. But some Rs are dysfunctional, and meet one person's needs at the expense of the other's. They don't necessarily start off that way - but over time patterns become entrenched where it's always the same person making the concessions, the same person refusing to budge... And over time one person starts to build up resentment while the other thinks everything is just grand. Sometimes, differences in values which seem negligible when you're 18 become massive when you're 48, especially when there are big material differences riding on those - around child raising, or retirement planning, or elderly parents. If one person is unhappy - say, because they live too far from their elderly parents to help with their care, but their partner believes that everyone should plan for their own later years and not rely on their kids, and they're happy to be miles away from extended family - it may not be that big a deal for their partner, who may simply be irritated at their "disproportionate" emotional response, but happy with how things are in general. If it was really impossible for one person to be unfulfilled while the other was completely happy, breakups would only ever be mutual. In reality, that's not the case - often one person is blindsided by being dumped, and reading these forums it would seem that that is more often the case than not.
Furious Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My best friend, since childhood, caught her husband cheating at around the ten year mark of their marriage. She divorced him and he then married the OW and that marriage lasted for 3 years. Her ex went on to marry for a third time and guess what, he married the OW from his second marriage. Sure, it happens that the OW gets the guy, the big question is for how long does that marriage last. Stats on first marriages divorce is at around 50%, divorce stats on second marriages is at around 65% to 70%, third marriages fare even lower. Of course there are exceptions, and some second marriages with the affair partner do not end up divorced but the prevailing stats concur it's not the norm. In my best friend's situation both the OW in her ex husband's marriages when he married them were previously divorced. The first OW was once divorced and the second OW was twice divorced. 1
Morro72 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My mother was OW to an MM who left his wife for her. She seemed to be happy but I think the key to happiness in her case was realistic expectations. It may be worth clarifying that by "realistic" I mean "low." Her assessment was pretty much on target but she got what she wanted, which was not very much.
cocorico Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I think it's very relevant, textbook mid-life crisis. There is a mid-life crisis forum I joined and it's mind boggling the number of affairs that happen during this time. This is unsurprising. Few people land up living the kind of life they dreamt of when younger, and often the decades of compromise take their toll. The cliche of the person not recognising the face staring back at them in the mirror as they clean their teeth is a sad indictment of the kind of societies we live in, where it's seen as mature and admirable to settle for a life so far removed from the dreams, values and passions of one's youth. 1
goodyblue Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I also thought this. But some Rs are dysfunctional, and meet one person's needs at the expense of the other's. They don't necessarily start off that way - but over time patterns become entrenched where it's always the same person making the concessions, the same person refusing to budge... And over time one person starts to build up resentment while the other thinks everything is just grand. Sometimes, differences in values which seem negligible when you're 18 become massive when you're 48, especially when there are big material differences riding on those - around child raising, or retirement planning, or elderly parents. If one person is unhappy - say, because they live too far from their elderly parents to help with their care, but their partner believes that everyone should plan for their own later years and not rely on their kids, and they're happy to be miles away from extended family - it may not be that big a deal for their partner, who may simply be irritated at their "disproportionate" emotional response, but happy with how things are in general. If it was really impossible for one person to be unfulfilled while the other was completely happy, breakups would only ever be mutual. In reality, that's not the case - often one person is blindsided by being dumped, and reading these forums it would seem that that is more often the case than not. This first paragraph is what happened to my h and his ex.
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