AllyT_123 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 My background: I'm 24. I had a couple short relationships in high school/college, then followed by a long serious one that ended 3 years ago. He was abusive, and everything that could have ended badly in the relationship did. Since then, I've dated, but I've never had it materialize into a relationship. Fast forward to this summer..I've met a guy I really am interested in, he's really interested in me, we've known each other years, and the perspective he seems to have is if you're into someone, it's mutual, you should date--and by date, he means have a relationship. I'm terrified. I really like him, he's great, and he makes me happier than anyone has in the longest time. SO WHY does the idea of relationships terrify me? I live by this agenda of you should non-committal date someone non-exclusively for months first, and then MAYBE proceed with caution to an exclusive relationship. Clearly, this hasn't been working. Also, I wasn't always like this--I use to believe the way this guy does about relationships. Commitment scares me. My brain is currently screaming: "BUT WHAT IF I MEET SOMEONE ELSE AND I'M TRAPPED?" "WHAT IF HE TRIES TO TAKE MY FREEDOM?" And things like "what if I want to go out with friends, do I have to check in?" "Am I allowed to enjoy a bar anymore?" "Am I allowed to have male friends? Where does the line get drawn on that?" I've been single so long..It's like I almost don't know how to be UN-single. From my last experience in a relationship..Men steal your freedom, and then while you're not dating anyone else and trusting them, they go find someone else and cheat. Does anyone have any advice or input? Is it the guy, or is it me? I really don't think it's him that's making me balk, I think it's this way I've hardwired myself to believe commitment is scary and trap and once they've got you they'll hurt you.
Vintage79 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 This one is entirely you - you have seriously emotional baggage that you should probably seek help to correct. Your justification in your post is ridiculous - "what if I meet someone else and I'm trapped"? Seriously? For starters if the relationship makes you happy, that situation won't likely present itself, and if it does, you simply break-up...that happens all the time. Moreover, if the latter happens, the reason the situation ever presented itself is largely because you were looking, or at least projecting some level of interest elsewhere, meaning that the primary relationship wasn't all that healthy. Second, if he "tries to take your freedom", it's an unhealthy relationship that you should get out of. Basically, your concerns are not so much about being in an exclusive relationship, as they are about being in a controlling, imbalanced relationship that you should get out of. My advice, try the exclusive relationship and to help assuage your fear, do an assessment every month or two, and try to get some outside feedback to validate whether or not the relationship appears healthy. To my first point, this could be conversations with a counselor, as you have major trust issues and a skewed view of reality - sure, there are some bad that you could date (men and women), but the majority of the people are pretty decent... 1
Gary S Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 It sounds to me like you are on the rebound from the previous relationship......that was a bad one, it's understandable that it would take some time to get over. I mean, if you were really into new guy then you would not be focused on all this other worry - you would be too busy enjoying your feelings of love.......clearly that's not the case. And why are you getting involved with an old friend? If he's so great, why did you two not get together earlier, why the wait? Did you ever have a crush on him? Why did you not pursue it earlier? So either you are on the rebound and not ready for a relationship, or this is not the right man for you.....or some combination thereof.
Poppygoodwill Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Given your background having dated an abusive guy, your reaction seems to me to be perfectly expected and normal. I was in an abusive relationship and for like 10 years after it ended I was very fearful of getting serious with anyone else. I was always one foot in, one foot out the door. The biggest problem I realized through therapy was that I didn't trust MYSELF to choose a good man after I had chosen that bad one. So I would always second and third guess my instincts when I met men, good men, who wanted to love me, and I would hesitate and balk and hold back. Not because I they showed any sign of being potential abusers - not at all. But because I didn't trust my own judgement. I was happy cruising along in semi-committed relationships, until I met someone I really liked and I really wanted to commit to, and then I felt so anxious all the time with him. It was awful. I was forcing myself to get closer and closer to him,and it was making me feel more and more anxious. I wouldn't stop though, because I knew that it was fear, my fear, and that I needed - finally - to beat it. Eventually I went into counseling and worked through my fear and all the other unresolved issues behind it. It didn't work with that guy in the end - just too much goign on. But down the road I met a fantastic man and now I'm married. Something I couldn't imagine ever doing before. So take heart. But get help to work through your feelings about the bad man and get rid of his impact in your life once and for all.
xcupid Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Your abusive relationship has created fears that you need to deal with and get help with. Otherwise you will miss out on a great guy when he comes along.
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