globemoney Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Been in a relationship 5 years, met partner at university. We have lived together for most of that time due to accommodation at university. This also includes a year travelling in Australia together (we are from UK). We are both introverts and spend little time socialising, although when we do we are not that reserved. For a long time I have had doubts about relationship. When travelling these doubts became larger as I found that living in hostels together, I did not feel confident that we would be able to get on in this setting because of the distractions of the other people. Basically, living in these kind of environments, I found I would have to 'play the game' in order to keep my partner attracted to me, and found I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to just be myself and risk losing her. She is someone that seems to 'fit in' and go along with whatever is happening, in a way that has at times seemed a bit alarming to me. I am not sure if this is paranoia on my part or whether most girls would be like this. I, on the other hand, fit in well sometimes, and not other times, so when there is this difference between us, it feels as though we are not really together. This comes down to my own insecurity which I am aware of, I have anxiety issues, especially to do with social situations. But I fear that unless I get some more social experience, with girls as well, behind me then I will always feel inferior in my relationships which makes me prone to be cheated on etc later on. After coming back from Australia, I cheated on my partner several times and she found out. Our relationship then changed in that we became like separate people, not 'as one' like before, which felt like a maturing process in our relationship, and through this, I went through a lot of emotional pain from my past, but I still feel apathetic about our relationship, almost as though I am constantly looking for an excuse to end it. And then I remind myself of her positive qualities and I think how much it would hurt to end it and I re-think. I love lots of things about my partner, she is kind, intelligent, attractive, and also very loyal, but there are also things I don't like. A big issue I have is that I feel uncomfortable talking to other women around her because I feel that she should show that she is not threatened by them after what happened. In fact, I am suffering mentally because of it and this adds to the apathy I have toward our relationship. I have spent a lot of my relationship depressed, and I have blamed this on the relationship. I am aware it is the blame itself that may be causing the depression, but I feel so much apathy, especially when socialising with my partner that it causes me issues in my life. I really do love the person she is, but feel somewhat stuck, because without the active loving of her, I won't be happy, but feel apathetic towards this attitude change. I don't want to end my relationship unneccessarily, but I often feel she is too 'powerful' for me, as she is very attractive, (I am a good looking man, but I am introverted and quite socially inexperienced due to avoidance in anxiety) I feel like I want to travel the world and be free from ties, meet women, be rejected, meet lots of interesting friends, but I feel unwilling to do it with her by my side because I feel I would be setting myself up to fail. Any advice welcome.
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