not inviting me with him

[amkxoxo]

I am not committed to new guy. Last night, I sat across the table from the woman he pined after for years and was in love with. The only reason he isn't with her is because she did not have any feelings for him.

 

He invites her to things all the time, and I think she is a nice girl and everything, but every time she is around all I can help thinking is if he is thinking of her, or wishing he was with her, or looking at her.

 

Next month he and his guy friend are going with her and her girl friend on an overnight trip. He invited me but I cannot go due to work. He said he figured I could not go. He is sharing a hotel room with her.

 

Because of our race, being with my ex would be an easier long term life. Many people in this country are still racist. People make comments and show disgust out in public. I have gotten over that new guy is another race. If I wasn't over it, I wouldn't still be dating him. I know he and I will probably have more struggles because of it, but I have gotten over it. Its not something you can just ignore.

 

I broke it off with new guy a while back because I had feelings for my ex and I was unsure of what I wanted. He begged and pleaded to be back with me. I had feelings for him, but I knew it was unfair to be with him when my feelings for another lingered. He told me he didn't care and we needed to try because we both had feelings for each other. I gave him a shot. And so far he has impressed me.

 

I am not indecisive about my ex. I have always been so sure about him. Its his lack of commitment to me, that makes me weary. I gave up everything I had years back for him, to pursue him and it never got anywhere. He is still a bad planner and always has been. He even admitted it the other night. He said "Yeah I thought you were made at me since I didn't hear from you for a while." I told him that I wasn't mad at him and if he thought I was why didn't he text me. I told him he could have messaged me to do something and the worst I can say is "No."

 

And I told him how I texted him to make a plan because I wanted to hangout with him. If I was mad at him, I wouldn't do that. He agreed, and said how I made us a plan and a good hour flat. He isn't good at it. He doesn't like to initiate plans and clearly has some deep rooted issues in it.

 

I did dream of being with my ex, but after everything that happened and our distance, I figured it would never be, and I had to let it go and let him go. Him coming back in town kind of just threw a loop into my life.

 

I have dated others in the last two years because I had to move on and keep my options open, because my ex wasn't coming around claiming me.

 

I like new guy too. He is so sweet to me. He is trying so hard with me. To me, I feel like its too early for me to decide what I want. I feel like if I choose one now, while nothing is set in stone, I could end up with no one.

 

My ex's comments about his regrets about us really shocked me. I never expected it. I thought the other night was going to be a pizza, beer, movie night as friends. It took him almost two years to realize he lost me. I am keeping new guy at bay though with this while casual see where it goes attitude, because I also knew my ex was in town. I didn't think it would go anywhere after my first encounter with my ex, but now, its up in the air.

 

My ex seems to like me, but again, something is there holding him back. He told me one of his last relationships the girl was practically on top of him and they made it official right then and there. I feel like when I demand stuff of him or want something out of him, he goes running scared. I just don't get it.

 

It could get harder and harder. There are things I want to invite my ex to with my friends but if he sees new guy holding my hand and giving me attention, it will obviously look like we're together. I'm afraid it will make my ex think "Oh she found someone she likes better than me, I know she never liked me, I guess I see how things are."

 

I'm also afraid to invite my ex to things because I know new guy doesn't like him, because he likes me. I don't want to cause drama. I'm afraid if I pick my ex, I will slowly lose all the friends I have made through new guy, who have become good friends. But at the same time I don't want to just stay in something with new guy, when I don't want to be with him, for the sake of friends. They won't want me bringing another guy around and hurting their friend if I end up with my ex.

 

Then all I will have is my ex and I need friends to survive. I'm so much happier with my life when I have friends. And this group has really made me happy and I fit in well.

 

If I choose my ex and it never amounts to anything, I could end up without him, without new guy, and without friends. I will be depressed and alone. I have some girl friends, but still.

 

My ex is someone I could see myself marrying, but as of now, new guy has proven himself more to me that he will be there for me and stick around. That's what it is.

 

My ex is my type. Handsome, type of look I like. He is intelligent, and funny, and talented, and all things attractive to me that I always wanted.

 

New guy is attractive to me, but in totally different ways. He is intelligent, funny, witty, and when I am with him I am happy, but he isn't my normal type I would go out to find. He was my friend first and we hit it off that way, and the pressure grew until I think we both just needed some physical contact. He and I are like high off of each other. We have to see each other and we miss each other and we add things to each others lives that we both lack on our own.

[Diezel]

Because of our race, being with my ex would be an easier long term life. Many people in this country are still racist. People make comments and show disgust out in public. I have gotten over that new guy is another race. If I wasn't over it, I wouldn't still be dating him. I know he and I will probably have more struggles because of it, but I have gotten over it. Its not something you can just ignore.

 

Yes, yes you can. You can just ignore it. You just choose not to, because you are just like everyone else in "your country".

 

I broke it off with new guy a while back because I had feelings for my ex and I was unsure of what I wanted.

 

HAD feelings for your ex? Get real.

 

He begged and pleaded to be back with me. I had feelings for him, but I knew it was unfair to be with him when my feelings for another lingered. He told me he didn't care and we needed to try because we both had feelings for each other. I gave him a shot. And so far he has impressed me.

 

Yeah, we can all tell he has impressed you... to the tune of you still seeing your ex.

 

Him coming back in town kind of just threw a loop into my life.

 

I thought you said you HAD feelings but it's throwing a loop into your life NOW. Contradiction once again.

 

I like new guy too. He is so sweet to me. He is trying so hard with me. To me, I feel like its too early for me to decide what I want. I feel like if I choose one now, while nothing is set in stone, I could end up with no one.

 

This is the most horrendous way to think. Guess what, you could end up with no one anyway, at least you could feel good about your choice by making the right choice now and stop this madness. Sweet. Innocent. Right. Delusional. Most definitely.

 

My ex's comments about his regrets about us really shocked me. I never expected it. I thought the other night was going to be a pizza, beer, movie night as friends. It took him almost two years to realize he lost me. I am keeping new guy at bay though with this while casual see where it goes attitude, because I also knew my ex was in town. I didn't think it would go anywhere after my first encounter with my ex, but now, its up in the air.

 

HAD feelings... sure.

 

It could get harder and harder. There are things I want to invite my ex to with my friends but if he sees new guy holding my hand and giving me attention, it will obviously look like we're together. I'm afraid it will make my ex think "Oh she found someone she likes better than me, I know she never liked me, I guess I see how things are."

 

Seriously?

 

I don't want to cause drama.

 

Seriously? Read this thread.

 

I'm afraid if I pick my ex, I will slowly lose all the friends I have made through new guy, who have become good friends.

 

Selfish - cake and eat it too syndrome.

 

But at the same time I don't want to just stay in something with new guy, when I don't want to be with him, for the sake of friends. They won't want me bringing another guy around and hurting their friend if I end up with my ex.

 

Selfish - cake and eat it too syndrome.

 

Then all I will have is my ex and I need friends to survive.

 

Selfish. Self-centered: Cake and eat it too syndrome.

 

If I choose my ex and it never amounts to anything, I could end up without him, without new guy, and without friends. I will be depressed and alone. I have some girl friends, but still.

 

Sweet. Innocent.

I can't even keep going... it's too much.

[usernametaken]

I am not committed to new guy. Last night, I sat across the table from the woman he pined after for years and was in love with. The only reason he isn't with her is because she did not have any feelings for him.

 

He invites her to things all the time, and I think she is a nice girl and everything, but every time she is around all I can help thinking is if he is thinking of her, or wishing he was with her, or looking at her.

 

Next month he and his guy friend are going with her and her girl friend on an overnight trip. He invited me but I cannot go due to work. He said he figured I could not go. He is sharing a hotel room with her.

 

Because of our race, being with my ex would be an easier long term life. Many people in this country are still racist. People make comments and show disgust out in public. I have gotten over that new guy is another race. If I wasn't over it, I wouldn't still be dating him. I know he and I will probably have more struggles because of it, but I have gotten over it. Its not something you can just ignore.

 

I broke it off with new guy a while back because I had feelings for my ex and I was unsure of what I wanted. He begged and pleaded to be back with me. I had feelings for him, but I knew it was unfair to be with him when my feelings for another lingered. He told me he didn't care and we needed to try because we both had feelings for each other. I gave him a shot. And so far he has impressed me.

 

I am not indecisive about my ex. I have always been so sure about him. Its his lack of commitment to me, that makes me weary. I gave up everything I had years back for him, to pursue him and it never got anywhere. He is still a bad planner and always has been. He even admitted it the other night. He said "Yeah I thought you were made at me since I didn't hear from you for a while." I told him that I wasn't mad at him and if he thought I was why didn't he text me. I told him he could have messaged me to do something and the worst I can say is "No."

 

And I told him how I texted him to make a plan because I wanted to hangout with him. If I was mad at him, I wouldn't do that. He agreed, and said how I made us a plan and a good hour flat. He isn't good at it. He doesn't like to initiate plans and clearly has some deep rooted issues in it.

 

I did dream of being with my ex, but after everything that happened and our distance, I figured it would never be, and I had to let it go and let him go. Him coming back in town kind of just threw a loop into my life.

 

I have dated others in the last two years because I had to move on and keep my options open, because my ex wasn't coming around claiming me.

 

I like new guy too. He is so sweet to me. He is trying so hard with me. To me, I feel like its too early for me to decide what I want. I feel like if I choose one now, while nothing is set in stone, I could end up with no one.

 

My ex's comments about his regrets about us really shocked me. I never expected it. I thought the other night was going to be a pizza, beer, movie night as friends. It took him almost two years to realize he lost me. I am keeping new guy at bay though with this while casual see where it goes attitude, because I also knew my ex was in town. I didn't think it would go anywhere after my first encounter with my ex, but now, its up in the air.

 

My ex seems to like me, but again, something is there holding him back. He told me one of his last relationships the girl was practically on top of him and they made it official right then and there. I feel like when I demand stuff of him or want something out of him, he goes running scared. I just don't get it.

 

It could get harder and harder. There are things I want to invite my ex to with my friends but if he sees new guy holding my hand and giving me attention, it will obviously look like we're together. I'm afraid it will make my ex think "Oh she found someone she likes better than me, I know she never liked me, I guess I see how things are."

 

I'm also afraid to invite my ex to things because I know new guy doesn't like him, because he likes me. I don't want to cause drama. I'm afraid if I pick my ex, I will slowly lose all the friends I have made through new guy, who have become good friends. But at the same time I don't want to just stay in something with new guy, when I don't want to be with him, for the sake of friends. They won't want me bringing another guy around and hurting their friend if I end up with my ex.

 

Then all I will have is my ex and I need friends to survive. I'm so much happier with my life when I have friends. And this group has really made me happy and I fit in well.

 

If I choose my ex and it never amounts to anything, I could end up without him, without new guy, and without friends. I will be depressed and alone. I have some girl friends, but still.

 

My ex is someone I could see myself marrying, but as of now, new guy has proven himself more to me that he will be there for me and stick around. That's what it is.

 

My ex is my type. Handsome, type of look I like. He is intelligent, and funny, and talented, and all things attractive to me that I always wanted.

 

New guy is attractive to me, but in totally different ways. He is intelligent, funny, witty, and when I am with him I am happy, but he isn't my normal type I would go out to find. He was my friend first and we hit it off that way, and the pressure grew until I think we both just needed some physical contact. He and I are like high off of each other. We have to see each other and we miss each other and we add things to each others lives that we both lack on our own.

 

Girl, you don't want advice. You want a diary.

[Versacehottie]

You are very confused. And intentions are not pure. No good will come of this. Victim mentality and all you can think of is yourself. You need a reality check. What does your mom say?

 

Try to distill the thoughts into oneliners to assess your situation, the answer will be clear.

 

*Ex is not with me for various reasons but I am still hung up on him.

*New guy does not compare to the feelings and future I felt with ex.

*I'm primarily keeping him around to in case I can't get ex back and because I want to poach his friends.

 

****BE WITH NEITHER OR BREAK UP WITH NEW GUY AND TELL EX YOU WANT ANOTHER CHANCE AND TAKE THE CONSEQUENCES. GROW UP.

 

ps you'd have a say in what new guy did about bring this girl he pined for at dinner and on their overnight trips. I think you'd rather complain about it than speak up to him. The passive-aggressive and perma-unhappy/unsatisfied theme never ends--same as your original post. Forget new guy, if you think your new friends aren't going to figure this out, you're wrong. This is the source of your problems.

[h0000]

This sweet and innocent OP makes me cringe

[MovingOnIsHard]

You shouldn't be worrying about your new guy inviting this chick around.. when you're still obviously hung up on your ex. Also, I question whether you are saying that he "might" have feelings for this girl still… just so you can justify having feelings for your ex.

 

Didn't you just say that your new guy has been "so sweet to me. He is trying so hard with me"? If this is true, then why would you thinking he is trying to be with this other girl?

 

Ugh!

 

Also, your utilitarian views on people are evident in your posts: you don't want to be with your ex because you're afraid of losing the new friends you've gained with the new guy? How about "I can't be with my ex because I really like this new guy and I want to be with him"? LOL talk about using the new guy to pick up new friends along the way… Surely you are not socially inept that you cannot make friends on your own?

 

And FYI having guy friends mean having PLATONIC relationships with them… not rolling around in bed, nuzzling each other, making out. I got male friends and I think of them as brothers ie. not making out with them. Gross yo

 

Me thinks you are wanting your cake and eating it too.

[Versacehottie]

You shouldn't be worrying about your new guy inviting this chick around.. when you're still obviously hung up on your ex. Also, I question whether you are saying that he "might" have feelings for this girl still… just so you can justify having feelings for your ex.

 

Didn't you just say that your new guy has been "so sweet to me. He is trying so hard with me"? If this is true, then why would you thinking he is trying to be with this other girl?

 

Ugh!

 

Also, your utilitarian views on people are evident in your posts: you don't want to be with your ex because you're afraid of losing the new friends you've gained with the new guy? How about "I can't be with my ex because I really like this new guy and I want to be with him"? LOL talk about using the new guy to pick up new friends along the way… Surely you are not socially inept that you cannot make friends on your own?

 

And FYI having guy friends mean having PLATONIC relationships with them… not rolling around in bed, nuzzling each other, making out. I got male friends and I think of them as brothers ie. not making out with them. Gross yo

 

Me thinks you are wanting your cake and eating it too.

 

Insecure.

 

He's trying so hard with me but I still want someone who doesn't want me. Can't appreciate new guy.

 

Yes needs her own friends. Guessing it truly is a struggle to make her own friends since she cannot empathize.

[amkxoxo]

Ex and I have been hanging out at least once a week. I wasn't sure where it was going. Things came to a head last week where new guy pretty much told me he wanted a relationship with me, a serious one, or he wanted to just be friends. He couldn't just casually date anymore. I understood. I didn't have an answer for him. I couldn't decide. I know he is hurt, but I feel at this point we have faded away from being together and are drifting into friends territory, because I won't decide, so he decided what was better for him.

 

I needed to know how my ex felt, before things got to far, so I simply tried to tell him of the situation without putting pressure on him.

 

He showed up at my place kind of late. 10pm or so. We talked, watched a movie, laughed, and talked about life. I knew I had to blurt out that I was had kind of been seeing someone else, but it was so hard. At one point we were talking about bed sleeping positions and comfort. It wasn't supposed to be a hint or anything. He ran in my room and laid on my bed. He was tickling me and we were talking and laughing on my bed. We cuddled a lot. We started talking again after a while and he ran out to get his phone to show me something. I didn't know if he was coming back so I followed him. We ended up back in my living room on my couch. We were chatting and I knew it was getting late. I knew I had to throw it out there before he left. I simply said

 

"Hey so I have been talking to someone. He really wants to take me out."

 

He said "Oh yeah?"

 

I confirmed what I said. He then asked me "well do you want to go out with him?"

 

I said "I do not know." and then I said "I was wondering your thoughts on it."

 

He then said "I would never want to prevent you from happiness. If you really want to go out with this guy, then you should go for it. If he offers you what makes you truly happy, then you should go for it. If he is extending a hand and giving you what you want, I would never interfere or prevent you from being happy."

 

I then asked him again "well what do you think though?"

 

He said "well i am not thrilled about it."

 

I was not sure what to say myself. I wanted to gather my thoughts.

 

I asked him "well why aren't you thrilled?"

 

He gave me this smirky 'are you stupid?' kind of look

 

I laughed and said "what?"

 

He kept giving me that look like 'really, you don't know?'

 

I told him that sometimes I was oblivious. He gave me the smirk 'you are crazy' look and said "no you're not."

 

He then went on to tell me how he wouldn't want me to wonder about another guy and he wouldn't want to be paranoid thinking I was wondering about another guy. He said he would like to be the guy at the end. The guy that I have when things fizzle out everywhere else, so he knows he is the only one.

 

I was not sure what to say to this. I wanted time to be able to formulate smart words. I think he wants to take things slow. I don't want to pressure him, and I don't think I did last night. His admission sounds like he likes me and wants to try to be with me. He left and we hugged tight and long, for like two minutes. My mother said I should have kissed him. My friend said I should have told him I picked him. I just didn't want to mess anything up. I figured it was better to leave things simply, and not get into a whole talk about "us".

 

I have been over the moon since. His admission to me, seems as though he likes me. I mean "he wasn't thrilled I had another guy." that to me is what I didn't expect to hear from him. He is my #1 choice. I have waited a long time for this. If anyone has any input on this situation. I am so happy.

[amkxoxo]

Things have ended up not how I thought. I left my new guy for my ex after his admission that he wasn't thrilled I might be seeing someone else. I planned on telling my ex that I want to pursue him next time I saw him. I texted him on a Thursday about making weekend plans. He never responded. I waited all weekend, making my own plans because I never heard from him. Eventually he texted me on Monday. I was surprised. I answered him and then didn't hear from him again. I texted him on Tuesday and asked him if he wanted to do something. He responded that "I am so sorry, I was in quite the mood when we last spoke."

 

I was figuring he meant why he didn't respond to me. I asked him if he wanted to hangout, because I felt we really needed to talk.

 

I went over his place around 9pm that night. The issue was that his roommate was there. So the three of us sat together hanging out and talking. I was panicking inside because I knew I couldn't talk to him with his roommate there. Things got awkward when he and his roommate got into an argument with each other. I just sat there. I felt bad, and I didn't say anything, but everything his roommate was saying seemed right and logical. His roommate wasn't trying to say he was right and my ex was wrong, his roommate was trying to say that he had helped my ex in a certain instance. My ex did not take it well.

 

Things simmered and my ex texted me to say he was sorry, meaning the argument. A while later my ex was complaining about finding someone for this project he was working on. He had someone already, but he made it seem like he wanted someone else than who he already had.

 

I thought of someone perfect for it. His roommate subsequently knew the same person. We started telling my ex all about this girl and how she could help him out. She was nice and had what he was looking for. He got defensive and angry that we were selling this girl to him. He sounded crazy. We were just trying to help him and give him a possible viable contact to work with. Whether he took her name and ran with it, or never contacted her, we were just trying to help him. He felt like we were attacking him. I didn't get it. I was only trying to help. We argued. I backed off. His roommate, still heated from the first argument kept going. It ended.

 

I decided to leave. He walked me out. He was still sort of mad. I apologized and told him I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, I was just trying to help him. He calmed down. I almost didn't want to mention anything about us, but I knew if I left, I wouldn't have any answers and I would be still stuck where I was.

 

I brought up us. I told him I was interested in pursuing us and where we could go. He told me I shouldn't pursue him. He started telling me how he was so busy and that it is why he doesn't ask me to do anything with him and he doesn't text me. He said he was in a horrible mood and didn't want to talk to anyone, and that is why he didn't text me back days before. He said he has been trying to give me what he can give me, but the occasional dinner and hangout session isn't enough, and he knows that. He told me he sees me more than he sees his family and his friends. He wishes he could give me more but he can't. I told him I deserved more, and he agreed and said I did. He told me he hates his two jobs, and wants to quit. He wants better hours.

 

He told me he is miserable and he is negative about everything and he is so unhappy. He has depression and he seems to be suffering with an episode for the last two years. He feels I shouldn't be involved with that. I questioned him caring about me. He was taken back. He told me of course he cares about me, and he thought I knew that. I told him, that he sometimes seems to care, but other times when he doesn't make plans with me or talk to me it feels like he doesn't care. He told me he does care for me, and he is always there when I need him.

 

We talked about our past and he admitted to hurting me. He said that it bothers him, what he did to me, all the time. I told him that I wouldn't forget what he did to me, but I forgave and moved on from it. He claimed that he hadn't. He was still fawning over a situation that happened that hurt me, that wasn't hurting me anymore. I told him that if he felt he hurt me so much then why didn't he try to change it and try to make it better. Why wouldn't he try to make up for what he did in the past. He says he feels like he can't and he already caused damage. He feels he has nothing to offer me. He is so down and low about his life, its unbelievable.

 

He has had the same mindset for the last two years. It's sad. I am sad for him. I asked him why he said he wasn't thrilled about me talking to someone else. He said it was because he does care about me, but if this person can make me happy and give me what he can't, then I should take it if I want to. He made it seem like as much as he cares about me, its halted by his negative mindset. He has so much going on that he can't care about me. He has no room to. He has lost his passion for life.

 

I told him he would lose me, and if he cared about me why would he want to risk losing me to someone else. Why wouldn't he want to pin me down. He again told me he felt he had nothing to offer me, because he was so unhappy with his life. He almost said something to the fact that if he got his life in order and wanted me, that "you don't know how I would be", almost like he could win me back, even after time, even after losing me.

 

I worked 9-5 most days and he works 4-11 most of those days. He only has two full days off a month. He barely has time to talk to his parents. He then went on to show me texting conversations with his parents which were left unanswered by him.

 

He told me how he would love to have me come in and take me to his room and cuddle with me in his bed like we used to do, but he realizes it was what he did to me years ago, and it lead to no commitment and me being hurt, and he wasn't going to do that again. I agreed that we could not repeat the past and that I would not let him do that to me again.

 

I love him, but truly I worry for him. I think he needs to talk to someone outside of his life, to help him sort of what haunts him in the past. He needs to get over things and move on. Not to be with me, but for himself. He talks about making his life better, but I don't see much of that going on. I want to suggest to him that he should talk to someone and how it might benefit him, but I don't want to insult him. Plus, it could be a little weird to just text someone out of the blue "Hey I think you should talk to someone about your life."

 

I don't know how that would play out. He told me that I set the bar so high. I asked him what he was talking about. He told me that I restored some faith in humanity. I set the bar so high for other people. I showed him an extreme amount of kindness and how I was so considerate to those around me and cared so much, and he rarely meets people anymore who show him that type of gratitude. I appreciated he admitted that. I appreciate he openly admits he hurt me in the past.

 

I told him that I wanted to be the girl that made him happy, but that I tried everything I could possibly try at this point. I felt like I fought the good fight, and now I must walk away.

 

I don't know if he and I will be friends. I don't know if I will get back with the other guy who pursued me so steadily and made me happy. I know he will take me back. He likes me a lot. I don't know. I feel hurt and I don't want to make a rash decision of getting with someone else immediately. I don't feel ready to be with him quite yet. The other guy knows me well, and I know he will sense I am hurt and I cannot explain to him why.

 

As of right now, I am sad. I am hurt. I am not mad at my ex, but disappointed that even after all this time his issues still prevent us from being together. He needs to prioritize and get his act together. It is not my fault. It is his. He admits that.

 

When I got home that night, we started texting. I told him that I was sorry if I put him on the spot. And how I felt we were up in the air and I needed clarity about the situation, which wasn't a bad thing. He said it was fine, and how "I am sorry I am so conflicted. At any given moment I could burn a bridge or have my way with you."

 

I wasn't sure how to take that. I then told him that I would hope he wouldn't burn bridges with me. And that if he was kind and considerate to me, we wouldn't have any problems. I then responded with "as for having your way with me...no comment. "

 

I thought it was funny.

 

I then left it with "I know your conflicted. I don't want to pressure you. It is hard to just be your friend when I want to reach out and hold your hand etc.. But we cannot have a repeat of the past. "

 

He has not responded since. I am sad, but not about the no response, about the situation. I am working on getting over it. I feel like I said all I could say to him, which I needed to do.

[Els]

Have you thought about starting a journal (probably one with comments disabled)?

[Diezel]

I feel really great for the "new guy" who is no longer in the picture. Bullet dodged.