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Posted
I made other plans so by the time he asked me at 10pm, it was too late. I wasn't mad that it was late, I guess I was disappointed because if I hadn't already made plans, I would have gone. Last night, the night after friday, I figured I would hear from him and again was disappointed when he didn't, so again I made other plans. Seeing this morning that he had a party at his house with bunch of friends and didn't care that I was there. If he missed me so much while I was gone on vacation and cared enough to get me a gift, and then to be suddenly, "I will see you on saturday" to not even try to see me on saturday and have a party, doesn't make sense to me. He claims he wants to be with me, but then doesn't try to take me around his friends and hold my hand or show me off like he claims he wants.

 

If I had to take a wild guess, he did not wish to see you last night because he is starting to get turned off.

 

Just like you are.

 

Like I said, you are not compatible .....end it and move on.

 

Sorry .

Posted

Plus, amkxoxo I have to ask.

 

You said you spend nearly every weekend back home with your family. What's that about?

 

How would you feel if your boyfriend preferred to spend most weekends with his family .. instead of being with you?

 

Something to think about .....

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Posted

Not every weekend. Last weekend I went on a family vacation.The weekend before that I was sick with a fever and I was laid up on my couch. I am usually around 2 weekends a month. My family misses me and I love them. I have a hard time saying No so when my family wants me to come home or they want to come here to see me. I value my family over everything. I think thats why I was more testy this weekend. I promised myself and told my family I wasn't going home, or wasn't going to see them for 3 weeks. I wanted to be around for my guy. Spend quality time with him. When he suddenly had all these plans without me, it hurt my feelings because I was setting time aside just for him.

Posted
So I just started dating this new guy a few months ago and I thought things were going really well. He says all the right things and always takes me out with him and insists on paying. My family lives a good two hours away and I often go home on the weekends to see them,

 

How often has he been along with you for a weekend with your folks?

Do you invite him each time you go?

 

Was this also the same scenario with your ex too that you would go away pretty much every weekend?

Posted (edited)

Àaàa

Not every weekend. Last weekend I went on a family vacation.The weekend before that I was sick with a fever and I was laid up on my couch. I am usually around 2 weekends a month. My family misses me and I love them. I have a hard time saying No so when my family wants me to come home or they want to come here to see me. I value my family over everything. I think thats why I was more testy this weekend. I promised myself and told my family I wasn't going home, or wasn't going to see them for 3 weeks. I wanted to be around for my guy. Spend quality time with him. When he suddenly had all these plans without me, it hurt my feelings because I was setting time aside just for him.

 

Okay, so your family is your first priority .....over your boyfriend. On weekends no less!

 

Not to be mean, but good luck with that. I don't know of any guy who is gonna feel too great about that.

 

But wait! You actually decided to make him the priority for once, but he failed to jump ... and now you're pissed. Not to mention "testy" because you are not spending the weekend with your family!

 

I don't even know what to say.... other than this whole thing sounds really fu*ked up... and wish you the best.

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted

This seems to be getting blown all out of proportion. He seems to be making an effort to include you. It might not be exactly the *way* you want it to be but he is making an effort. Some guys wouldn't do that. Time to get over your hurt feelings and go with the flow, don't you think?

Posted
I sucked it up and friday sent him a heart text message. I wanted it to tell him that I still care about him. Then at around 10pm, he texted me to ask me what I was doing. I told him I had plans. He then said "Oh well some of us are going back to my house to drink and do fun stuff if you and whomever your with wants to come."

 

This was a ice gesture, but by 10pm I did have a plan and I wasn't going to run to his house. I also was annoyed because he was only inviting me to appease me. I told him "Thank you but I am a little tied up right now, so I probably won't make it."

 

It was true. I was out shopping with my mother and we were far away and having a great time.

 

He texted me back and said "You're tied up?"

 

I never answered. I was busy. I forgot about it.

 

It is now Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him at all. I was kind of surprised since he was Mr. "Guess I will see you on saturday" guy

 

It is now Sunday morning and I saw on social media all pictures of him and his friends at his house last night. He never asked me to have drinks at his house last night, nor did I hear from him at all. Why couldn't I have gone and drank with all him and his friends, like I have done many times before. I was not invited. I'm officially agitated by it. This is stuff my ex would do. Everything about it screams my ex.

 

What makes it worse is that my ex and I are still friends. But I have been avoiding hanging out with him or talking to him since I have this new guy and this new guy doesn't like my ex. I did it out of consideration for my new guy. But I saw pictures last night of a bunch of his friends at his house drinking, and one of them was the girl he was in love with years ago. I am not threatened by this girl. I know he is friends with her. But here I am not hanging out with my ex, who is a long time good friend, and he has her at his house, but doesn't ask me, the woman he is dating. Its bulls***

 

I'm more mature than this.

 

Really?

 

What did you honestly expect now? You didn't respond nor did you reach out after you realized you'd forgotten to respond. Why should he be contacting you after that? He probably figured you were blowing him off.

 

 

A wild guess here, but I think he's getting a bit fed up with you. He realized he could've been more thoughtful and tried to include you. You got upset and basically rejected that. You shot yourself right in the foot.

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Posted

This wasn't the situation with my ex. I was always around on weekends and he never was, because he made plans with his friends over me. I chose him over my family. My ex had me when he wanted me and then when he didn't, I was the one heartbroken and alone because I would wait around for him to make plans with me, and when I would try to make plans with him, he would keep me hanging until the last second, almost waiting around for something better. He would never ask me, and sometimes I would nicely ask to go with him, and he would give me excuse after excuse of why I couldn't go. I wasn't invited. He wasn't allowed to bring people, even though his roommates would bring tons of people who weren't invited. This and that about why he couldn't bring me.

 

With this new guy, no I have not had him involved with my family, because one, we aren't officially girlfriend and boyfriend, but we are seriously dating just each other. Things were fine and I thought we were going to be girlfriend and boyfriend very soon. I have a family function coming up soon that I really wanted to take him home for, but when I mentioned it he said he would not go because we were not official and it would be awkward to bring a boy home to meet my family without him being my boyfriend. I didn't see any issue with it since I have brought many guys home that are just good friends to meet my family and stay with us. He felt it wasn't right to stay with my family in our home and not be official.

 

What is weird is about a week ago he invited me to an outside barbecue party that his parents are throwing at his house. I questioned him about why he wouldn't come to my house, but invites me to his. He claims he is inviting many of our friends, not just me, and I don't have to go if I do not want to. I found this weird. So I mean nothing? Just another friend he has over. I don't get it. I question if he manipulates and puts pressure on me to commit to more, the boyfriend girlfriend, serious relationship thing, and he puts me in situations that I may ask him for it.

Posted

There is nothing weird about it. You two are not official, you are just dating so nothing is going to take priority.

 

So who is the one dragging their heels about making it "official"?

Posted

It sounds like you are way on edge. You are perceiving anything he makes an effort on as a slight. Just tell him what you want and make him stop guessing. You are acting a little bratty. And bring your past ex baggage into every thought about this new guy and comparing and seeing faux similarities isn't helping you. He sounds like a good guy and you sound like you are about to blow it. Get it together, girl.

  • Like 2
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Posted

At first, yes I was a little peeved and surprised he wasn't inviting me, but then the day after I was a lot better with it and wasn't as on edge. To be honest, it was my mother that got me all upset and questioning about the situation. After what I told her about him missing me and preaching how much he likes me, my mother thought what he was doing was wrong. Her words made me upset and on edge and questioning him. She doesn't know him like I do, so she started thinking he was playing me. I got paranoid and suspicious. I finally texted him yesterday and made plans with him. I wanted to see him. He met me and we went out to grab an appetizer and a drink. After wards we took a walk. Nothing about the situation was mentioned. I then invited him over to watch a movie. He declined. I then realized that he was upset. I was upset. I was trying to let go and just be normal with him, but it was awkward. I drove home. When I went to go up to my apartment he pulled up and stopped me. Me argued for a good hour. I went inside. I waited by my window for about 10 minutes. His car didn't move. I went back down. He was still standing outside. We talked for a while longer. We went for a walk. We made amends. We are still not boyfriend/ girlfriend. He claims he doesn't know if he wants to be serious with me yet, which makes me terrified. But he claims I am the one who didn't know what I wanted so its not fair for me to be scared of his feelings on it. I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else still, and that's the truth. I told him if he went and saw someone else, that we would be over and done with, because I am not just some girl, among other girls. To me, we ate dating, which is us going on dates and seeing if we want to be serious in a relationship. To him, we are going on dates and we are not serious. Just different views on the subject.

 

It was my moms idea to not respond to him on that Friday night. She thought it would get him thinking about me and missing me. It backfired and he saw right threw it. It made him upset. I did ask him that if he was so upset, why did he go and throw a party. He told me he wanted to and he was still upset at the party. All of his friends were asking where I was. Yeah, because he didn't invite me. A girl friend of his, whom goes to school far away is coming to town in a month and he is meeting up with her to see her. I am not invited. This girl used to have a crush on him. It makes me weary again that he must go see this girl, by himself.

 

The other girl friend he just went to see, I am not as threatened by because she has a boyfriend and they have been close for years and years. This other girl, used to like him and he chose me over her. I haven't been trying to talk to my ex, who is a good friend, because I wanted to be cordial and not hurt my new guy. But this weekend I reached out to my ex so we could make plans together. Just something friendly and casual. He and I have been friends for about 3 years now. If my new guy is going to be all friendly with girls then I should be able to have guy friends too.

 

I'm glad he and I made up and buried the hatchet. Before me, he was dead set against having kids, and because I want kids he now says he would be willing to have two, just for me. We aren't even official yet, but kids is a deal breaker for a lot of people. I make his life better and he claims I keep him grounded. And I think he adds a little excitement and freshness to my life. We will see how it goes.

Posted (edited)

I had a feeling your anxiety, etc etc etc had something to do with your mother!

 

Stop sharing so much with her. You are a grown woman, you don't need her input anymore. She does not know him, and it's messing you up. She also sounds over-protective.

 

Follow your own instincts and you'll be fine.

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted

She is overprotective and I love her for it. She is the best mom and she cares more than a lot of parents care. I think she is also overprotective because of everything I went through with my ex. Weekend after weekend crying because he didn't want to see me and a deep bought of depression of which I have gotten out of myself. I carried so much sadness inside for so long from him, and now I am happy and stable in my life. She wants me to stay that way. She used to look at me and the deep sadness in the eyes would show and she would just hug me and hug me. She wanted to make it better, but she couldn't. I love my mom and she only wants the best for me.

Posted

Remember at the beginning of most relationships, there is a honeymoon period where we say things because we are crazy about that person. These things are just talk and should not to be taken as promises. You'd be foolish to take him seriously at this point about having kids.

Posted
She is overprotective and I love her for it. She is the best mom and she cares more than a lot of parents care. I think she is also overprotective because of everything I went through with my ex. Weekend after weekend crying because he didn't want to see me and a deep bought of depression of which I have gotten out of myself. I carried so much sadness inside for so long from him, and now I am happy and stable in my life. She wants me to stay that way. She used to look at me and the deep sadness in the eyes would show and she would just hug me and hug me. She wanted to make it better, but she couldn't. I love my mom and she only wants the best for me.

 

I am not judging or faulting your mom hon, I realize she has your best interests at heart! And does not want to see your hurt. All good!

 

Problem is ....your sharing so much info with her about your current situation IS hurting you and causing you a lot of anxiety as happened here ...which you admitted!

 

She does not know him and is ASSUMING the worst! Based on the actions of your EX and your reactions to those actions (unhappy, crying, depressed,). Which is causing you a lot of anxiety.

 

Do you have friends to bounce this stuff off of? Friends are much more objective than moms ...for the obvious reasons.

Posted

I have to admit I am confused by your most recent post. So logistics. Are you now considering something with your ex-bf? Who you met up with as sort of a revenge outing?

 

Most importantly, you were prob not ready to see your current guy (i'm not sure that you will be) as you were still angry and pissed off. The point of seeing him would have been to communicate well and not keep having innocent things spiral out of control. A meeting with him should have been assurance for both of you. Your actions seem passive aggressive and I don't think they will get you what you want with him. You can take your mom's advice or any other advice you receive (here included) and still do what's best for you. You don't have to follow what anyone tells you, including your mother. She only has your interests at heart and can never be considered neutral. You need an advocate for the relationship. You are getting a lot of that sort of advice here. I think your guy has backed off the relationship because you are acting emotional and he can never make you happy. Get happy about some part of it and see if you can let that feeling spread.

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Posted

Before, for a while, I felt as though my new guy liked me more than I liked him. Now though, things are changing, and I am growing to like him more and more all the time. Its evening out. Heck, I might even like him more than he likes me. I think that why I am getting emotional. My feelings are growing and so is my fear of rejection. I am putting myself out there and being vulnerable with him and its terrifying.

 

I might have texted my ex as revenge. But I have not met up with him yet. He and I haven't been a thing in over a year and a half. We have been friends for over two years. If my new guy is hanging out with friends that are girls, I should be allowed to also. My ex and I get along well and have an odd friendship, because we have history. I realized that I shouldn't shut him out of my life, since my new guy isn't shutting anyone out of his.

 

A few months ago, when my new guy and I were first starting to talk a bit more and get to know one another, my ex and I met up for the first time in a year. I was afraid it would be awkward, but after a bit, he and I started with the infectious chemistry we always had. I thought to myself "this is it, this is what I dreamed about, us together again. I can't believe we fit so well together, even after all this time."

 

What also started was he and I started drinking alcohol together and eating snacks. The alcohol kicked in throughout the night and we ended up in his bedroom. Like old times. We made out and talked for a while. I was half drunk, as was he. We talked about us and what went wrong years ago. I told him that as much as he told me I was special and amazing and perfect, he still let me go. He still let me go off to meet other people and never pinned me down for himself. I started tearing up and crying, because I had wanted to say that to him for so long. He claimed he didn't have much to offer me and wasn't in a good place for a relationship. He said that years ago and apparently he stuck by that.

 

I told him that we were back in his bed and what did this mean, because I was only looking for something serious with someone. I didn't mean for it to come across as us being serious right away, but since we had history, I wanted him to know that I meant business and I wasn't to be messed with. I feel like maybe I did come across to strong. He again gave me the excuses that he didn't know where his life was going, he worked constantly, and he could move tomorrow far away to start a new life. Its excuse after excuse like it was way back when. He tells me I'm beautiful, perfect, and sweet. I don't get what the issue is. He then tells me that we shouldn't push it and we needed to start from step 1 and I was trying to jump to step 12. I understood what he was saying, but at the same time, we had a great night and I was currently making out with him in his bed. I think we passed step 1 already. I then told him he should take me on a date. He didn't really comment on it. He does work a lot, and I understand that, but at the same time, I dated one of the busiest men I have ever met, and he wanted to date me. This guy worked from 8am-10pm sometimes and he would see me during his lunch and dinner breaks, or sometimes he would take me for dinner on nights he got off at 7 or 8pm. So my ex's excuses just didn't work for me. I still care about him, but after that ngiht I realized he hadn't changed and he still didn't want me bad enough to come for me.

 

I then chose my new guy. He did everything right, made time for me, and made me feel special. He was determined to win me over and made such an effort to do so. He doesn't have a lot to offer me, but he wants to be able to give me more, because he wants to be a good man in my life. I have a great job, place to live, I'm good to my friends, and have a nice family. My new guy says I inspire him to want to do better things with his life and to be a better person. My ex won't change for me, so I can only be friends with him for right now.

Posted

All I've read in this thread is this:

 

Everything wrong in my life is everyone else's fault.

 

Either it's something your current boyfriend does or doesn't do, your ex, your mom...

 

Yet to see anything about you owning up to your own decisions. You didn't text back? Oh, that was your mom's idea, but before that, it was because you "forgot". And that's just one example.

 

Why not instead of revenge texting you just try COMMUNICATING? Once you start being honest with yourself, maybe then your relationships can flourish.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

I also think I have a deep rooted insecurity of men just leaving me without any sort of indication. My ex seemed to like me so much but would constantly pull back and leave me high and dry. For no reason at all. I also dated this man right after my ex. He was great for me, mature, perfect, smart. I really liked him and i think if I had to describe a man, he would be it. But unfortunately right after we went on a few dates, he broke the news to me that he had previously pledged to pursue further schooling across the country. He seemed to like me a lot and all my friends thought so. When he left, we talked a bit on facebook, but he was the crazy busy guy I mentioned before. His plans kept changing. I don't even know if he is still at the school he started going to. He is a very free spirit traveler kind of person. He meets people everywhere he goes and he moves all the time. A few times he was supposed to be in my area, he let me know and we were supposed to meet up, but he never made an official plan with me and I don't think he ever ended up coming to begin with. One weekend I even got work off ahead of time because it seemed promising. We eventually stopped talking because I didn't want to seem desperate or chasing him all the time. I have recently seen pictures of him and he lives maybe a state away from here. He has a few pictures with a girl that looks like he may be seeing her. It was so easy for him to leave and not talk to me again. So sad.

  • Author
Posted

It was my mom's idea that I 'forget' I didn't respond to him. I do take credit for things I did wrong. I was too forward with my ex last time I saw him, but we have talked since, so I know he isn't avoiding me because of it. I made mistakes with my ex that I do not want to make again. I won't stick by someone who doesn't put in any effort to be with me anymore. I was the one crying on the weekends and it was ridiculous. I won't do that to myself anymore.

 

I made a mistake by listening to my mom. She gave me faulty advice. Its part her faulty, part mine.

 

I shouldn't have been so hard and emotional with my new guy. Part his fault, part mine. I admit all of it. I am not hiding it. I care too much and I am an emotional person. That is not a fault, its a personality trait.

Posted

You seem to be talking about/analyzing and obsessing over your ex ALOT .... all thoughout this thread.

 

You will deny, no doubt, but clearly you are not over him...or moved on from your relationship with him.

 

Don't bother getting defensive about it, it won't be believable.

 

No one who has moved on (emotionally and apparently physically too) from their ex talks about and obsesses about them as much as you have been doing throughout this thread.

 

Have you ever considered therapy? If not, you should ...you appear to be VERY confused.

 

Wish you the best.

  • Author
Posted

I am not over him, but I also realize that I cannot spend all of my time not being over someone who doesn't seem to want to be with me. I spend too long getting over him. I've dated other guys. Some were great and some were not. I still have a soft spot in my heart for my ex. But I cannot close myself off to other opportunities and end up alone forever. I wish my ex would come to his senses and want me. I wish things were different. I wish his life was a bit easier, for his sake and mine. But I can only control me, how I feel, how I treat him, and how I take control of my life. I cannot strive to make him happy, and frankly, he doesn't do anything over and above to try and make me happy either. I may seem desperate to him, but we do have chemistry and I think we could be great together, for each other. He claims to feel the same way, but has all these excuses as to why we can't be together, or that we need to let time and ease into things. Its been years. I tried to do all the right things the first time around. Bought all his favorite foods when I knew he was coming over, tried to look cute for him, gave him little gifts when I knew he was having a bad day. He did little things for me too. But it never amounted to anything, and it was all on his end.

 

This new guy started as my friend, but grew into something more. He is not my ideal guy. I never thought I would be attracted or be with someone like him, but in some crazy twisted way we can't stay away from each other, because it sort of works. I'm not perfect. He isn't either. My new guy knows I have unresolved issues with my ex. He knows I still have feelings for him. He isn't okay with it, but he accepts it, because he cares for me. He thinks that over time he will win me over and my feelings for my ex will diminish. Maybe they will or maybe they won't. I don't know. But I don't want to throw away my chances with him because of a maybe.

Posted

For the sake of you and this new guy, stay single until you are well and truly over your ex. From the sounds of it, you're not ready to be dating again yet.

  • Like 1
Posted
I am not over him, but I also realize that I cannot spend all of my time not being over someone who doesn't seem to want to be with me. I spend too long getting over him. I've dated other guys. Some were great and some were not. I still have a soft spot in my heart for my ex. But I cannot close myself off to other opportunities and end up alone forever. I wish my ex would come to his senses and want me. I wish things were different. I wish his life was a bit easier, for his sake and mine. But I can only control me, how I feel, how I treat him, and how I take control of my life. I cannot strive to make him happy, and frankly, he doesn't do anything over and above to try and make me happy either. I may seem desperate to him, but we do have chemistry and I think we could be great together, for each other. He claims to feel the same way, but has all these excuses as to why we can't be together, or that we need to let time and ease into things. Its been years. I tried to do all the right things the first time around. Bought all his favorite foods when I knew he was coming over, tried to look cute for him, gave him little gifts when I knew he was having a bad day. He did little things for me too. But it never amounted to anything, and it was all on his end.

 

This new guy started as my friend, but grew into something more. He is not my ideal guy. I never thought I would be attracted or be with someone like him, but in some crazy twisted way we can't stay away from each other, because it sort of works. I'm not perfect. He isn't either. My new guy knows I have unresolved issues with my ex. He knows I still have feelings for him. He isn't okay with it, but he accepts it, because he cares for me. He thinks that over time he will win me over and my feelings for my ex will diminish. Maybe they will or maybe they won't. I don't know. But I don't want to throw away my chances with him because of a maybe.

 

Does your new guy have unresolved feelings for his ex too? If yes, that's the only way I can see this as a fair arrangement between the two of you.

 

If not, can you not see that this is unfair for your new guy? It's like anything he does that you perceive is wrong, will always be compared to your ex. It's an instant disadvantage..

 

"He isn't okay with it, but he accepts it, because he cares for me" This sounds really selfish on your part.

 

Your new guy can't diminish your feelings for your ex. Only you can resolve that... on your own. As a single person!

 

I don't want so sound rude, but I sincerely hope this guy walks away from you. He deserves a woman with no baggage / hangups

  • Like 3
Posted

Boing!.....rebound.

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