goodgirlturnedbad Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Hello everyone, it seems like falling out of love seems pretty difficult sometimes. I broke up with my ex two years ago and entered a new relationship 1,5 years later. After the breakup, I went NC for three months and later saw him three times: to pick up some clothes I left in his flat, to give him back some sports equipment and, finally, to talk about why we broke up. This was the time when he told me had someone new but still me missed me, and we talked nearly all night in a bar. This was 1,5 years ago, I haven't met him since then. I don't have any of his pictures anymore, he posts none even on facebook. But I still think of him. We listened to the same kind of music so whenever I listen to it now it reminds me of him. He called me a few months ago, asking about a job-related task which I could not do anyway, so it felt like he called me just to hear me. I was thrilled to hear his voice and felt sad the whole day. And recently I found a closed message board on the internet where we used to talk with our friends before we were a couple. I started reading his posts; I know I shouldn't do this, but it felt like that distant moment in our lives when those years together were still to come. How do I cope with this? Finding faults with him and thinking about bad sides of that relationship doesn't work...
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 NC works very well. You're just doing it wrong. I went NC for three months and later saw him three times we talked nearly all night in a bar he posts none even on facebook He called me a few months ago I started reading his posts All of these things are breaking NC. Stop stalking him on facebook. Stop reading his posts. Don't answer if/when he calls. Don't reply to his texts, emails, etc. Do NC properly, and you will heal and move on. 5
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 To be blunt, you're not really doing NC. NC means *No Contact.* You've left the door wide open. *No contact in either direction. *Block him from everything. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *Unfriend or delete from social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want know what he's saying or doing. Take care. 2
Author goodgirlturnedbad Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Well, I did it properly in the first three months after the breakup. Thought that this would be the period to let the emotions cool, longer NC seemed to be like being hostile. Well, ,maybe I should have persisted. 1
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 How can it be "hostile" to not speak to someone?? 2
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Snip Thought that this would be the period to let the emotions cool, longer NC seemed to be like being hostile. There's nothing hostile about it. It's just a way of helping you heal. It does this in 2 ways: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It prevents distraction from your ex, so that you can concentrate on your healing. That's all it is and all it does. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I had a question. Do you keep the NC blocks in place forever? 1
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I had a question. Do you keep the NC blocks in place forever? Well put it this way. What is to be gained by not keeping it in place forever? 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Well put it this way. What is to be gained by not keeping it in place forever? Absolutely nothing, except quenching curiosity. Maybe 10 years after the BU your Ex crosses your mind and you are curious how their life turned out, if they ever got married, had kids, moved, what they look like now etc. Just wanna check out their Facebook page for the sake of boredom. I've done that with past Ex's and was happy for them that things turned out well. Never contacted, just looked at FB or social media stuff. 2
Author goodgirlturnedbad Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 How can it be "hostile" to not speak to someone?? Not speaking is nothing wrong, but, for example, if he wanted to give me back some things I left in his flat, and I still needed them, why wouldn't I refuse to recover them after a few months? I mean, this seemed unnatural to me. Well, he could have sent it by mail, that's also a possibility... Anyway, now I haven't had contact with him for months but there are those little things that haunt me. A few days ago I was buying a railway ticket online and the website showed me all the tickets I bought since I created my account. I don't travel often by train so the list was short and I could see a ticket bought three years ago to his home city. And I instantly remembered the whole day: I had a sleepover at a girl friend's place the night before, then I took the train in the morning, and after my arrival we went to have a coffee in the old town. It was a cool September day. The travel took around two hours and it so happened that the stops were always twenty minutes apart. I was not searching for that ticket to ruminate but these memories just came to me.
surferchic Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I totally understand the feeling goodgirl. "They" say those feelings are natural in the grieving / breakup process. And pushing through the pain and memories is something that's suggested to prevent further hurt. I agree, but realistically each situation is very different. Nobody knows the details of your relationship but you and your significant other/ex. Like, who ended the relationship and why. Been there, done that. The memories come fast and go slowly. I wish they could be wiped out of our memories asap after a breakup. Continue to get your emotions and memories OUT here in this forum to prevent intense emotions from making you do something you'll really regret, e.g. calling/ texting him everyday once you can't stand the NC anymore. 1
organizedchaos Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I had a question. Do you keep the NC blocks in place forever? Until seeing them with their lover, pushing a baby stroller down the street, and you can just nod and move on. 2
candie13 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 what you suffer from is not getting enough dates with new men. Let go of the myth of your previous RS and go out and embrace the world. Really. i guarantee, if you meet a stunning guy who's into you, you'll forget about your ex. Or he'll just fade into the background. 2
Author goodgirlturnedbad Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) what you suffer from is not getting enough dates with new men. Let go of the myth of your previous RS and go out and embrace the world. Really. i guarantee, if you meet a stunning guy who's into you, you'll forget about your ex. Or he'll just fade into the background. I've been in a happy relationship for a half a year. Of course, I don't contact my ex now. I only have problems with the memories. Edited August 7, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad 1
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I had a question. Do you keep the NC blocks in place forever? I would. I'm all about living in the present, but everyone is free to do things their way.
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Absolutely nothing, except quenching curiosity. Maybe 10 years after the BU your Ex crosses your mind and you are curious how their life turned out, if they ever got married, had kids, moved, what they look like now etc. Just wanna check out their Facebook page for the sake of boredom. I've done that with past Ex's and was happy for them that things turned out well. Never contacted, just looked at FB or social media stuff. I find not knowing some things to be beautiful. A kind of enlightenment 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I would. I'm all about living in the present, but everyone is free to do things their way. You know, I think you are right. Live in the "present". I need to stop hanging on to the past. It does me no good. Thank you. I find not knowing some things to be beautiful. A kind of enlightenment Hmm. I really like the way you view life. I need to try harder to "let go". 1
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 You know, I think you are right. Live in the "present". I need to stop hanging on to the past. It does me no good. Thank you. Hmm. I really like the way you view life. I need to try harder to "let go". I think of it as being *liberation.* That's how I've experienced it. Just feeling free. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I think of it as being *liberation.* That's how I've experienced it. Just feeling free. I'm really going to focus on not placing limits on myself. The idea of being "free" from these restrictions sounds enticing. I really would love to be "free" from thoughts and ideas that hinder my growth. Thanks, I'm going to put some effort into this. 1
erklat Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 She is right. I've done everything that was there to be done and yet I still miss the idea of me how she made me feel. It will be two years next month. NC gets you so far. But I still don't know what can make you truly happy again nor will I ever be like that ever again. This is not the case with OP since she breaks NC all the time, but it is possible to be sad years down the road with proper NC. 1
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