freebird31 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I feel like I am losing it. I need help, guidance. About a month ago, I reached out to my ex after being broken up for 2 years. I told him how i felt hurt that he discarded me out of his life with no care and how his past replies to me were cold. All i really wanted was for him to apologize, genuinely be sorry, make peace with the situation. He never replied to my message. Aside from this, I lost an oppurtunity with someone i really liked because i was still hung up on my ex. I think this new guy has lost all patience with me and doesnt even want anything to do with me anymore, probably because i overwhelm him with my emotions. I feel legit lost in life, and broken all over again. I feel hopeless this time around. I feel like this is the second time in life that im being struck to the ground. I really thought that the core of the problem is my situation with my ex. Like perhaps if i just have a true peace with him, i wont be so messed up in the head anymore. I feel really messed up in the head. I dont have peace. I just want there to be peace with my ex, i want him to be sorry, i want there to be an understanding. even if it was 2 years ago, this has really affected me. Being that he was my first relationship. i feel unsafe and unstable in life. I feel like i cant fully trust anyone. I feel like I am borderline about to lose it any moment. I was thinking of just showing up at my exs door one day and demanding a conversation with him in person. Since he wont reply to my message. I just need to know that theres peace. I just need to know that he really did care about me, and appreciated me. And that he has a heart. And to better understand why he did what he did. I dont want to continue to not trust anyone else. I want to feel safe and stable, and i dont.
fireflywy Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know you want him to say he loved you, appreciated you, and know that he had a heart but sometimes, hell a LOT of times, those things will NEVER happen. Some people, just don't have a heart that beats the same way that ours do. They beat at different times, some are faster, slower, warmer, and some are just damn COLD. Why does what he thinks of you matter so much? I can't speak for you, but like you, I was in this stage for months (sometimes still am to be honest). I was there because there was a part of me that wanted her back and not because she was right for me, but that in having her or her approval I could say I (taps chest) had worth. As time after the breakup went on, her silence and actions were an outright rejection of me and my ego was damaged. It made me doubt myself and my worth too. I mean after all, if we were so great, wouldn't they have fought to let me know? Wouldn't they have said how much they appreciated us? I even asked why wouldn't they be with US instead of whoever they are now with or wherever they now are? I did this and thought all these things because I put more value into HER then I did ME. Then I started waking up and have been ever since. Here's how you find peace. You'll find peace when you accept that they aren't more valuable then you. They aren't above you regardless of how well they look, how successful they are in their career, how easy they get on with a new person after you, and they damn well don't define your value in existence by their feelings or thoughts about you. You'll find peace and strength when you realize that all of those judgments you, I, all of us fear, are born of this little thing we call ego and that our ego's are born out this mass consensus called culture. This culture says we should be desired and/or accepted by EVERYONE, keep up with the Jones's, look like models and beauty queens, be sexual god's and goddesses, and be alpha men or alpha women if we are to truly have value. It also tells you that if you don't have these things then something is wrong with a person. We tell ourselves that if an ex doesn't want us or validates us, then something is wrong with US. Those judgements and evaluations from our exes, from ourselves, and those benchmarks dictated by society are all bull****. You'll feel safe, secure, and stable when you break through those things above and understand the ultimate illusionary nature of their existence; their perceptions cant hurt you. You'll feel safe and secure when you quit judging yourself based on what you THINK someone else thinks of you or even how they act toward you. When all of that is done, you wont be stuck and you wont be quite so fearful of trusting someone else or letting them in. You'll find peace with your ex because you'll know that what he does or doesn't think about you doesn't matter. You'll do these things because you'll know what's behind the wizard's curtain, and that their perceptions and that of the world can't hurt you. So remember, regardless of what anyone says of you, no matter what judgments YOU place in the minds of other people, no matter what they may make known to you through their actions, you have value. There is nothing to fear. Edited August 7, 2015 by fireflywy 3
fireflywy Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 P.S. It's really late and I'm tired so if i sounded like gibberish, my apologies. ugh.
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