whoompty44 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 My ex girlfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. She says she wants to remain friends and since we broke up with have been talking a few times a week and for the first month or so we would hang out for small periods of time. But now i just don't know what to do some info about our relationship: she is 21 and i am 23. We were together for almost 3 years and I really loved her and I felt like we really had a special connection. We rarely had arguments and especially the last 4 months before the break up we really didn't argue at all and things seemed to be going well. The last 6 months before we broke up were hard for me because I am a dedicated student and i was studying probably more than i really should have been. If i had a test coming up then i would practically spend all of my time studying. on the other hand my ex gf had a very light school schedule and didn't spend much time studying or caring about her grades. She Spent a lot of time just sitting at my house waiting for me to finish studying. She has a job and she plays on several sports teams and she has a lot of friends but for some reason she felt like she needed to stay at my house instead of going out with them, even though at no time did i ever tell her that I thought she needed to do that. I trusted her and i was totally fine with her going out with her friends but she was choosing not to do so as often as she probably would have liked to. Several times when i was busy studying i would take a break and ask her if she wanted to go out and do stuff with me but she would usually say "no, i just want to hang out here (at my house)" which lead me to think that she didn't want to go out very much. So about 2 weeks before she broke up with me she reunited with her old best friend and the two of them started hanging out all the time. during that period she seemed to start distancing herself from me and eventually she broke it off. the break up was totally non-hostile. we just talked civilly and then left each other. after the break up I realized that i was not spending enough time with her and that she wanted more attention from me. I realized that i was being foolish by spending unnecessary amounts of time studying when i should have been with her more. She basically confirmed that and i told her that if she would give me another chance then i would really work on it and i would work on my time management and take her out more. She said that she didn't know what she wanted and she needed time to think but that we could still be friends. She said she felt like she was being unfair to me by going out with her friends all the time, but in reality thats what i wanted her to be doing all along, she just didn't do it on her own. What really confused me is that after i told her that i would take her out more she said "well we could still do those things". i don't know if by that she meant that she was indirectly giving me a second chance to prove to her that i can change or if she really meant that she just wanted to be friends. Now days she goes out with her friends to bars and hangs out with them all night, but she never used to like to going to bars and she especially doesn't like to drink. She tells me about those times and says she's having fun but it just doesn't make sense to me because she never liked that stuff when we were together. She asks me to hang out sometimes but she just wants me to come over while she does her homework or she wants me to go shopping with her, but as soon as she's done then she just takes me home or whatever and thats it. last weekend i asked her to go to a baseball game and i know thats always something she's wanted me to do for her. at the game we both had a really good time and at some points it really felt she was treating me like her boyfriend again. but after the game i just took her home and she didn't seem so interested anymore. I feel like she is just trying to play mind games with me now so I decided that i probably should give her some time and not contact her for a few days. but she texted me today, only four days after the game, and said "hey stranger, how are you" i texted her back but just keep the conversation to a few messages before i told her i was busy and i needed to get back to work. I just don't really know what to do anymore. I am considering the "No contact" thing but i cant determine if she is secretly giving me a chance to prove to her that i can change or if she's just using me until she finds someone new. Being that she broke up with me basically because i wasnt taking her out enough, i don't really think the no contact thing would help me get her back. I have no idea what i should do. can anyone offer me some advice?
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 So about 2 weeks before she broke up with me she reunited with her old best friend and the two of them started hanging out all the time. Male old best friend, or female...? You can probably see where I'm going here. i don't know if by that she meant that she was indirectly giving me a second chance No, if she wanted to give you a second chance then she would have said so. It doesn't make sense for her to be indirect. Hanging out with her ex, going on date-like activities but not actually dating, seems pretty weird to me. Now days she goes out with her friends to bars and hangs out with them all night, but she never used to like to going to bars and she especially doesn't like to drink. Yeah, people change, especially when they are 21. You need to show strength and decisiveness, women respect that. Here is what I would tell her: "Hey XXX. I've been thinking and I don't feel as though we can be just friends, it is hurting me too much since I still have feelings for you. As you know I'd like to try our relationship again so if you're prepared to give me another chance then please let me know. Otherwise I'm afraid I can't hang out with you any more since it is too painful for me." Then you will have a YES/NO answer. If she says YES to trying again then you're golden. If she says no, or in fact anything other than "yes" (eg. if she says she doesn't know, needs time, blah blah whatever) then it is a NO and you should do NC. NC is not a tool to get your ex back. It is a way for you to move on with the least amount of pain.
Satu Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 If you try to remain 'friends,' you'll be setting yourself up for more hurt. She will meet somebody else. So will you. Best to go NC, and do your healing. Maybe you can be friends further down the line when you've done your healing. 1
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