yxalitis Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 So I met a friend last night for dinner, she and I dated briefly, but never hooked up. I'll call her Jenny. We get along super well, and are very open and honest with each other, I tell her anything, even stuff I haven't shared here on this anonymous forum. So, we are chatting about her life as a 1st time pregnant lady approaching 40. The father is 10 year younger, the pregnancy was planned, but for her only, as she desperately wanted a child, LTR or not. The father has decided to stay with Jenny and help raises his child. But whenever she talks about him, its in ...pastel tones. I get no sense of great interest in him, it's always "yeah...he nice, he's trying..it's OK" So I asked "Do you love him" And without a seconds thought she answers "no" Not a dragged out, "ummm...no...I don't think so" or "maybe...?" A straight out No. "It takes me a while to fall in love" I laughed: "The father of your unborn child you've been with for nearly a year...darling, how long do you need?! "I'm holding back, I want to see what he is going to be like with the baby...he isn't very paternal, doesn't seem excited about the baby, disinterested when I ask him to feel the kicking, blasé in fact" I don't think dad will hang around post birth. Jenny is doubtful too, so I do understand why she wouldn't want to fall in love with him. And as I started to question her, as to how on Earth you can possible control falling in love, as love comes from the core, primitive brain that doesn't listen to reason... And then I remembered the last few woman I had brief relationships with, how they started to develop feelings for me, and how I felt..nothing. Maybe I was doing the same subconsciously too?
h0000 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 You can do whatever you are determined to do. So yes if you are determined to not develop feelings for someone, you can control it. 2
HereNorThere Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Do we have to call her Jenny? Can we come up with something else? I definitely get what you're saying. I don't think you can control the core attraction, but you can definitely put up walls to intimacy and make yourself less available. Sometimes it's just the timing itself, others it may be your mood or what you want out of life in the moment, but there's definitely some control when it comes to how much you are available. I do think there are some pretty big differences when it comes to (some) women and men with this, but I'll spare myself the beatdown and keep that opinion to myself.
Author yxalitis Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Do we have to call her Jenny? Can we come up with something else? I definitely get what you're saying. I don't think you can control the core attraction, but you can definitely put up walls to intimacy and make yourself less available. Sometimes it's just the timing itself, others it may be your mood or what you want out of life in the moment, but there's definitely some control when it comes to how much you are available. I do think there are some pretty big differences when it comes to (some) women and men with this, but I'll spare myself the beatdown and keep that opinion to myself. Hi Jenny!!
carhill Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Heh, 867-5309 Yes, one can control this. Essentially it's controlling the development of an emotional attachment. One can also, with sufficient practice, turn it off and on like a spigot. I experimented with this post-D, since I'm always running into MW's, many of them both attractive and flirtatious. One key aspect was learning to be in the moment and forget about expectations or future possibilities and enjoy the now without any emotional attachment, quite an accomplishment for someone with my personality. MC with my exW taught the lion's share of the tools, many of which I used to get through our D with a modicum of sanity. Another, more distant in the past lesson was something I learned when international dating and that was to have a lot of options open so there was less likelihood of 'falling for' any one particular person. For most guys this wouldn't be an issue but it was for me so I had to actively work on it. Having a roster to meet and greet and date diffused emotional content relevant to any one and left the interactions to grow organically, and one did, over time. The same process helped grow the relationship with the woman who later became my wife, a process of more measured attachment. Now I just chuckle when that old buzz in the balls shows up. Feels alive and little else. Alive is good. 1
casey.lives Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 love is not a careless thing but a CAREFUL thing.. it CARES FULLY!!!!! some people think that feelings are the only form of love. i am one to argue that rationality/ logic is a source of love too. feelings are not love.. they are an ebb and a flow of stimuli.. that's why we have love addiction. it should not be called love addiction, it should be called feeling/stimuli addiction! yes u can stop developing feelings by staying away from the source of stimuli.
Gary S Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 You cannot control who you would fall in love with. The only control you have is to stay or walk. 1
WomenWubber Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 You can avoid catching feelings, but once you do it is a long road getting over them.
Author yxalitis Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Yeah, I think if for a long time you can "control" falling in love, they aren't ever going to be a "true love" (And I hate that term).
ivionthenet Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I think the word love is used in so many ways that it is very hard to define what falls under it. I agree with many of you about having a stimuli and a reaction to it and calling it love...some would call that infatuation...that isn't really love to me. Love in my book is a thing that develops over time and is only possible if you are free from wanting to fill any internal void. I used to be one of those people who gets obsessive and carried away super fast. Nowadays I can somehow take a step back and observe my developing feelings towards someone and that in itself gives me control. And once you have that you are able to openly date people and have sex with them without going nuts. Being in the present moment without expectation for the future and having the past fill your head is a great place to be where genuine understanding and pleasure can open up with someone.
Redhead14 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 You cannot "control" your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. What you can control is what you do with them and use logic when dealing with them. You may fall in love with a serial killer, but if your brain is engaged, you'll move on
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