anna_789 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I started dating a guy I used to work with about 6 months ago. We made out at a company event back in February and have been dating ever since. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him. I have been the driver of this relationship since day one since he is really passive and shy and inexperienced. We see each other about once a week. It is always me who sends the first text.The thing that worries me about us is that he completely lacks initiative and I have absolutely no idea what he thinks or how he feels unless I directly ask. He is a really shy awkward guy who I don't think ever had a girlfriend. If he spends a night over, he leaves first thing in the morning. He never stays to cuddle and things like that. I think it is heavily because of his general awkwardness and I am hoping he will come out of his shell eventually. I am not sure whether I should continue seeing him, stop texting him or should I just accept him for what he is? I am really confused since he is not a typical outgoing social guy who communicates his feelings and knows what he wants Thank you in advance.
Qboro90 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Why are you leaving out the option you have about actually having a conversation with him expressing how his awkward/shyness makes you feel. Word it kindly and not criticizing. Make sure you let him know how much you like him but you actually feel he could care less about you (you can exaggerate here so he gets the point).
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Yes have that conversation because I have a feeling he thinking this is just booty call type arrangement, so he isn't being very invested.
LostOne1 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Yes have that conversation because I have a feeling he thinking this is just booty call type arrangement, so he isn't being very invested. I used to be one of these guys.... till that is when I met 1 woman who actually talked to me. She told me how she felt and what she wanted. At first it was awkward with the morning cuddling... but I slowly got used to it and it became normal. After that I couldn't sleep without cuddling next to her. It just took me awhile, because I didn't know what was right or wrong. Or rather what she prefers and I had no problem cuddling with her. So, I think you need to talk to him and show and tell him what you want. If this guy has no clue how can he do something he has no experience with? If he's too passive, ask him to make plans and be a bit more aggressive. Chances are he just isn't experienced enough to know how to function in a relationship fully yet. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) Texting is more of a female form of communication IMO. That's why it makes sense when they initiate w-it more than guys do. Guys are more focused on planning dates and taking action w-women. So even though I'm very dominant and assertive in relationships, most women I've dated always text me first. Then when they reach out, I plan the next date. Also, pay attention to this guy's actions. After six months, he only wants to see you once a week and he wants to distance himself by not wanting to open up or cuddle. I think this has far less to do w-him being "awkward" and more to do w-the fact that he's just not that invested. My guess is that he sees you as a casual "friends w-benefits" and that's why he's not putting more effort in. Edited August 7, 2015 by fitnessfan365
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I used to be one of these guys.... till that is when I met 1 woman who actually talked to me. She told me how she felt and what she wanted. At first it was awkward with the morning cuddling... but I slowly got used to it and it became normal. After that I couldn't sleep without cuddling next to her. It just took me awhile, because I didn't know what was right or wrong. Or rather what she prefers and I had no problem cuddling with her. So, I think you need to talk to him and show and tell him what you want. If this guy has no clue how can he do something he has no experience with? If he's too passive, ask him to make plans and be a bit more aggressive. Chances are he just isn't experienced enough to know how to function in a relationship fully yet. Great post and to the opening poster, I take am impressed that you are trying to get him to come out of his shell, most females would simply turn, run and find someone else. Kudos to you. 3
Redhead14 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) I started dating a guy I used to work with about 6 months ago. We made out at a company event back in February and have been dating ever since. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him. I have been the driver of this relationship since day one since he is really passive and shy and inexperienced. We see each other about once a week. It is always me who sends the first text.The thing that worries me about us is that he completely lacks initiative and I have absolutely no idea what he thinks or how he feels unless I directly ask. He is a really shy awkward guy who I don't think ever had a girlfriend. If he spends a night over, he leaves first thing in the morning. He never stays to cuddle and things like that. I think it is heavily because of his general awkwardness and I am hoping he will come out of his shell eventually. I am not sure whether I should continue seeing him, stop texting him or should I just accept him for what he is? I am really confused since he is not a typical outgoing social guy who communicates his feelings and knows what he wants Thank you in advance. He is a really shy awkward guy who I don't think ever had a girlfriend -- You've been dating him for 6 months and don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend? And, you're still only seeing him once a week? I don't care how shy a guy is, you've spent enough time together at least where he would feel comfortable enough to initiate things with you by now .. . This guy isn't going to change. You will always be doing all the work in the relationship. If he's a "newbie", do you want to be his teacher? You can accept him the way he is, but you do not have to accept that he has nothing to offer you in terms of a quality relationship. Be friends if you want, but don't expect more from him. If he spends a night over, he leaves first thing in the morning. He never stays to cuddle and things like that. -- This is a typical "player" move, so he may not be as "shy" as you think. This guy may not be just shy or awkward either. You may be dealing with an emotionally unavailable guy. Once a week, not initiating, slow, etc. are also signs of emotional unavailability. They are hesitant to get into a relationship for fear of intimacy and commitment so they keep distance between themselves and a dating partner. They don't cuddle. They'll have sex "mechanically" but they won't be emotionally engaged and won't cuddle because that's "too" intimate emotionally. Or sometimes they will appear more affectionate in the bedroom but not be affectionate in any way outside of the bedroom. Tread lightly here. If I were you, I'd stop initiating anything and observe whether he picks up the ball. Even if he's shy, etc. and he has real interest in you, he will notice and start calling you to see what's going on . . . Edited August 7, 2015 by Redhead14
scooby-philly Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Similar to LostOne1 I was awkward and shy throughout my teens and in my twenties. My parents cared for me, but were not emotionally available nor did they take an interest in me and what I like nor did they really support or give direction. I was never in great shape and I had a slight facial deformity. I didn't really date seriously till I was 28. I'm not advocating that you stay. But do not take advice from people who can't relate to what a person's might be or what they have gone through. Perhaps he will stay like this. Perhaps he will change - but whether or not you stay to see what happens - that's up to you and how you feel. If he's worth a little more investment - and energy - then do it. If you don't see this going anywhere or can't see the quality in him then move on. but don't listen to people who think every guy has to be cut from the same mold 2
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I dated shy....waaaaay too much work. I definitely can't stand being frustrated when every aspect of your relationship is a daily struggle.
Gary S Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 He is a really shy awkward guy who I don't think ever had a girlfriend -- You've been dating him for 6 months and don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend? And, you're still only seeing him once a week? I don't care how shy a guy is, you've spent enough time together at least where he would feel comfortable enough to initiate things with you by now .. . This guy isn't going to change. You will always be doing all the work in the relationship. If he's a "newbie", do you want to be his teacher? . - Bingo. He's high maintenance. For a happy and healthy relationship that lasts, you need a low maintenance guy.
xcupid Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 From what you've said, I doubt he's a player. Players aren't shy. I'd lean towards this guy being emotionally unavailable or even a commitment-phobe. Shy guys develop confidence over time. Six months in a relationship is long enough for that. Have a talk with him about how you feel. And let him start initiating things - he will either start doing that or fade away.
NewBeginning72 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) You have just about described my STBXH of 14 years. He was shy and very awkward when I met him, or at least around women. It didn't help that I was shy and awkward, too! He lacked initiative...and still does. I remember how awkward our dates were. After five dates, he hadn't so much as held my hand. When it comes to relationships (and everything else in his personal life), he is the one that needs a helping hand. He doesn't like to make decisions, even simple ones. There have been countless times where someone will ask him a question, and he will turn and look at me. It doesn't help that he's had a computer game addiction since before I met him. He's a nice guy, but he is not cut out for relationships. There are men and women out there, that for many reasons are not cut out to be in romantic relationships. Edited August 7, 2015 by NewBeginning72 add 1
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Just because they are shy doesn't mean they will always be a nice guy. Shy guys can be just as selfish and jerkish. 1
Author anna_789 Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 I used to be one of these guys.... till that is when I met 1 woman who actually talked to me. She told me how she felt and what she wanted. At first it was awkward with the morning cuddling... but I slowly got used to it and it became normal. After that I couldn't sleep without cuddling next to her. It just took me awhile, because I didn't know what was right or wrong. Or rather what she prefers and I had no problem cuddling with her. So, I think you need to talk to him and show and tell him what you want. If this guy has no clue how can he do something he has no experience with? If he's too passive, ask him to make plans and be a bit more aggressive. Chances are he just isn't experienced enough to know how to function in a relationship fully yet. Thank you for such detailed answer. What do you think is the best way to talk about it without sounding too needy?
LostOne1 Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Thank you for such detailed answer. What do you think is the best way to talk about it without sounding too needy? Just have him come over and just say you both need to talk. And just tell him straight up... don't play any games or beat the bush. Tell him how you feel, and what you want more of. If you feel you want him to plan stuff more, tell him.... or ask if he doesn't mind planning stuff for a bit. My ex basically pulled the car over and turned it off. Then we had a deep conversation for hours about what she wanted or what was bothering her. In the end, we were happy because we were able to understand each other better. You gotta communicate to understand each others point of view.
Gloria25 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Just because they are shy doesn't mean they will always be a nice guy. Shy guys can be just as selfish and jerkish. And, when they meet the woman they really want to be with, you'd be amazed how all this "shyness" just disappears. 2
ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 And, when they meet the woman they really want to be with, you'd be amazed how all this "shyness" just disappears. So much truth to that.
LostOne1 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) And, when they meet the woman they really want to be with, you'd be amazed how all this "shyness" just disappears. That's probably because they feel comfortable with her now. They know they didn't get rejected, so the hard part is over with and done. I was super shy with my ex 7 years ago. It's when I finally got over the shyness, she was sooo happy I was opening up finally. I just hadn't felt comfortable to be myself at that time. These days it's the intial breaking the ice for me. Once I break the ice I have a no care attitude. If they like me great.. if not oh well... I learned some people will love you for you and some just won't. Edited August 12, 2015 by LostOne1
ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I learned some people will love you for you and MANY just won't. My experience, people don't like people for who they are but rather what they can offer.
LostOne1 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 My experience, people don't like people for who they are but rather what they can offer. I haven't experienced that all the time... but yes there are lot's of those type of people. But along my journey of life... I've met some really positive people that helped me and went out of their way to do so.
almond Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Social awkwardness aside...you've been together for six months, he never initiates anything, you see him only one per week, and if he sleeps over, he gets up and bails early in the morning, never sticking around to spend time with you? And you don't know whether he has ever had a girlfriend before? You two don't seem very connected at all. Is this the sort of relationship you'd be happy in? Do you see yourself living like this long term? It has been six months. I wouldn't expect any major changes, and if his social anxiety/shyness is causing such serious issues - do NOT fool yourself into thinking you can fix him. Believe me, you can't. Talk to him honestly and openly about your wants and needs, as well as asking him to share his. You need to communicate and understand what each party in the relationship wants and expects from the other. I doubt he will be able to meet your needs or open up during this conversation, but it's worth a shot. If nothing changes, then it's up to you to decide whether you want more from your partner than poor communication, a once per week meet, and the silent dash out of the house in the morning after a sleep over. If you're happy with so little, then that's fine. If not...then you'll be left with no other choice but to remain unhappy and resentful, or do what's best for both of you and let him go.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I started dating a guy I used to work with about 6 months ago. We made out at a company event back in February and have been dating ever since. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him. I have been the driver of this relationship since day one since he is really passive and shy and inexperienced. We see each other about once a week. It is always me who sends the first text.The thing that worries me about us is that he completely lacks initiative and I have absolutely no idea what he thinks or how he feels unless I directly ask. He is a really shy awkward guy who I don't think ever had a girlfriend. If he spends a night over, he leaves first thing in the morning. He never stays to cuddle and things like that. I think it is heavily because of his general awkwardness and I am hoping he will come out of his shell eventually. I am not sure whether I should continue seeing him, stop texting him or should I just accept him for what he is? I am really confused since he is not a typical outgoing social guy who communicates his feelings and knows what he wants Thank you in advance. so we're you the one you asked him out first, approached him?
ZA Dater Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I haven't experienced that all the time... but yes there are lot's of those type of people. But along my journey of life... I've met some really positive people that helped me and went out of their way to do so. Wish I could meet some of those.
LostOne1 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Wish I could meet some of those. They are a rare breed.... but you find them eventually...
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