Do most men sleep with women soon after a break up? Long Term Relationship

[HeavyHeart87]

My BF and I have been together for 7.5 years. The last year of ourrelationship went downhill due to me holding resentment for his past mistakesand not being able to trust him. Towards the end of the relationship I wasemotionally abusive and checked out. I had no want to be with him anymore. ThenI found out he flirted with a girl on SnapChat. I was furious, but knewultimately I was looking for a way out. After a week of being broken up it hitme like a Tsunami what I had done. I treated him poorly. I tried asking himback and apologizing. For the first time, he said NO. That he needed space. Icould not believe what he was telling me. He always came back to me. This timehe didn't. He was going out to clubs, bars, and drinking every day. He would still call and text me every day promising he wanted to be with me and wewould end up together he just needed time to think.

 

 

After a month of being broken up I realized he was stringingme along. He had me there begging and pleading while he was an a**h*** to methe whole time. The tables had turned. He was stringing me like a puppet, butswearing he wasn’t. I then checked his bank account and found out he had goneto the strip club 4 times. I lost my sh*t. I’m not fond of strip clubs forpersonal reasons and I made it clear in the beginning of our relationship thatI would not date a guy who was in to strip clubs. By this point, I was alreadydoing meditation and hypnotherapy so when I called him I was completely calm. ThenI hit him with the news that I was going no contact due to him going to stripclubs. He denied it until I mentioned I looked at the bank account. I hung upand ignored his calls for hours. Finally I picked up and he tried saying thathe had told me not to wait for him and that he never said that we would betogether for certain. After that, I laughed and said “Really!? Is that why youwould text me every day and hour until 7PM saying how much you missed me andwanted to be with me?”. I didn’t entertain the conversation and hung up. Hethen called me at midnight the next day crying and saying he was sorry. I wascompletely calm and apologized for the way I treated him. He said that heneeded my help getting better, but I declined to help him. I let him know thatI was trying to offer help for 3 weeks and he declined saying he wanted to doit his way. He began sobbing and begging and I told him to stop. He was acompletely different person and I wanted nothing to do with him. While I wastruly fixing myself he was stringing me along.

 

 

A week later we got back together. I wanted to give him achance just like he gave me. I wanted to show him that I no longer wanted to beabusive and that I really do love him. So the first week was great! It felt like wewere back to being the same silly, happy people we were when we first met.Everything was going great until I asked him whether he was talking to anyfemales during our break. He denied until finally he confessed because I wasgoing to look through the phone bill. I thought I was going to faint. He begantexting two females after a week of being broken up. I just couldn’t believethe guy who really worshiped me at a certain point could just start texting twofemales so fast after a break up. That’s where all the problems began again. Iasked him if he met up later with any of them or slept with them. He swore onhis parents, grandparents, and dead grandfather that he didn’t. But I just don’tunderstand how you can text females every other day for 3 weeks and NOT oncemeet up with them! I told him that he especially needs to tell me if he sleptwith them so I can get tested. Condoms are NOT 100%. He keeps swearing that Idon’t need to get checked because he didn’t touch, kiss, or sleep with anyone.I’m paranoid because I’m afraid of getting an STD (college human sexuality coursewas traumatizing to me). He knows that I’m paranoid about stuff like that, butstill denies sleeping with anyone. One of the chicks even texted him “I want tosee you and your beard too (smiley face)"which leaves me to believe he texted her saying he wanted to see her. He deniesever saying anything flirty to her or giving her the impression that he was interested.

 

 

Anyway, I keep picking at him every day which is awful andonly hurts our relationship. I want to make it work, but I can’t help but thinkthey were the reason he was being an a** to me and wanted to stay single. Thesecond week we were broken up he said that he wanted me to move back, then twodays after that he said he still needed more time. So now I really can’t help,but think I was his backup plan. The text messages stopped the day I called himout on the strip club. I’m guessing because he knew I had it and he was nowfeeling the breakup knowing that I wasn’t going to be strung along. Anyway, hechanged his number at my request and even deleted his social media. He reallyis trying to make things work, but now I feel like I’m going back to my manipulativeways! I’m still getting help which is keeping me sane, but I can’t help butthink he is lying to me about sleeping with them. Everyone loves him and theykeeps telling me to let it go, but no one understands how my brain works. Icreate stories in my head about him and other women. I obsess and hurt myselfover and over again. I have made a huge improvement with my anger. I certainlydon’t act as bad as I used too. I’m a work in progress, but every day I feellike I’m slowly dying! I know I should let it go, but it’s hard!

 

 

Do most men sleep with women after a break up? Especiallythe men who catered to their women? I know I effed up big time in thisrelationship so why can’t I just move on since I was a HUGE part of theproblem? I know how stupid I sound. I feel stupid just writing this, but maybeI need to hear it from other people. Do I really want to let him go? NO, but I don’tknow if I can ever get over him going to a strip club and texting other chicks.OH I forgot to mention we have even agreed not to get involved with otherpeople during this “space” period so the fact that he was texting chicks at thetime we made that agreement really upsets me.

Edited August 6, 2015 by HeavyHeart87

[aloneinaz]

Well the first comment I'll make after reading all that is, I'm glad your seeking some help for your issues. Words that came to my mind about you and your behavior towards him were "emasculating" and "controlling" towards him. To punish him and be emotionally abusive towards him is simply wrong. In a healthy, loving relationship, you talk thru the issues and then move past them. If they can't be resolved, you end the relationship. I'm all for a 50/50 relationship as far as neither partner wearing the pants in it. It appears, you were wearing the pants at all times. I'm not trying to be negative nor derogatory but as a guy, I'd have issues with a lot of what you said and how you treated him. You checked HIS banking account and HIS cell phone records? I'm not sure how/why you'd have access to a BF's banking account?

 

 

Overall in reading what your wrote, that relationship appeared to be toxic and dysfunctional. I'm surprised either of you would want to continue in it. You have so much built up anger and hostility towards him that I don't think you'll overcome it. Not to be mean, but I can see why he wouldn't want to commit to going back to it again. I'm not saying he's not culpable in some of the issues but what you described in how you treated him was not healthy.

 

 

You're asking for impute and thoughts and mine are for you to possibly seek some therapy so you don't bring some of your bad habits from this past relationship into your next one. I can tell you that many guys would of dumped you a long time ago.

[carhill]

Do most men sleep with women soon after a break up?

Generally, yes, either as a result of peer influence or due to an intrinsic desire to 'regain their manhood' or sometimes both. It's a way a man validates his potency and attractiveness and this soothes his id and fosters the confidence which is required of a man in the world in general and the dating/mating marketplace in particular.

 

If he dawdles, his power base and confidence wane and he's off the rails.

 

Skimming your post, my one observation is, when words and verifiable actions appear to be at odds, well, people lie, especially if they have something of value to gain from it. Only human.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Some do, some don't.

 

Me personally, I fall in the don't column. I just don't have it in me to jump right into anything resembling a relationship. Even ONS don't interest me.

[EgoJoe]

I haven't and I have. Truth is, he is at least trying to score and going to strip clubs.

 

That could be spun in a couple ways.

[HeavyHeart87]

Well the first comment I'll make after reading all that is, I'm glad your seeking some help for your issues. Words that came to my mind about you and your behavior towards him were "emasculating" and "controlling" towards him. To punish him and be emotionally abusive towards him is simply wrong. In a healthy, loving relationship, you talk thru the issues and then move past them. If they can't be resolved, you end the relationship. I'm all for a 50/50 relationship as far as neither partner wearing the pants in it. It appears, you were wearing the pants at all times. I'm not trying to be negative nor derogatory but as a guy, I'd have issues with a lot of what you said and how you treated him. You checked HIS banking account and HIS cell phone records? I'm not sure how/why you'd have access to a BF's banking account?

 

 

Overall in reading what your wrote, that relationship appeared to be toxic and dysfunctional. I'm surprised either of you would want to continue in it. You have so much built up anger and hostility towards him that I don't think you'll overcome it. Not to be mean, but I can see why he wouldn't want to commit to going back to it again. I'm not saying he's not culpable in some of the issues but what you described in how you treated him was not healthy.

 

 

You're asking for impute and thoughts and mine are for you to possibly seek some therapy so you don't bring some of your bad habits from this past relationship into your next one. I can tell you that many guys would of dumped you a long time ago.

 

 

 

I should clarify that I had his bank account information because HE asked that I help manage his money and pay his bills. I handle my finances extremely well and he is horrible. He would always forget to pay his bills and his credit went to crap. I offered to help him NOT by getting his account information, but by reminding him of bill dates. Even with that, he would still forget to pay so he asked that I set accounts up on his account to go through as the time came to pay them. He would refuse setting up automatic payments. That's why I had his account info. I know I shouldn't have logged in after we broke up, but I did and regret it.

 

 

As for have access to his phone account, it's actually our account. We've been on the same account for most of our relationship (his request, not mine). Again, I still should not have checked his records.

 

 

I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until we broke up. Actually it was this website that made me realize I was being emotionally abusive. Another poster was describing her relationship and she sounded JUST LIKE ME. Blaming her partner for past betrayals and justifying her actions. Everyone commented that it was emotional abuse. My jaw dropped and I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I thought I just had anger issues from being raised in a family with anger issues. But my anger had gone passed that. I've actually told him multiple times that I was emotionally abusing him. He denies I was, but I think he's in denial.

 

 

Yesterday on our way to an event, I asked him why he still wanted to be with me if I was so horrible to him? He counter asked why I have this vision of myself as a monster and that there were a lot more good times than bad times and that although we had our rough moments, the good times were far more frequent than the bad. He notices my change in attitude and he's hopeful we'll make it through. He then mentioned that he doesn't deserve to be with ME after everything he put me through. I shut that comment down right away and told him he probably feels that way because I brainwashed him into believe it. He denied it of course.

 

 

You mentioned emasculating, that's exactly what happened. He mentioned that he always felt like I was the head of the house hold because I made more money, I was self employed and employed. He felt like he had nothing going for him and I had a lot going. It made me sad because I should have reassured him more that that was not the case.

 

 

As I mentioned before, I am doing hypnotherapy which is like therapy x3 IF it works for you. I tried therapy and progress was non existent. Once I tried hypnotherapy I could feel a difference after the first session. At times I get discouraged because almost every article I read states that most emotional abusers don't change. I thought that was pretty messed up. There are hundreds of websites for people who have been emotionally abused, but hardly anything for those who are trying to stop being emotionally abusive. No support groups, nothing! Most just say...get therapy. It would be nice to hear from someone who has succeeded in stopping their abuse. Anyway, thank you for the input. I REALLY appreciate it.

[HeavyHeart87]

Some do, some don't.

 

Me personally, I fall in the don't column. I just don't have it in me to jump right into anything resembling a relationship. Even ONS don't interest me.

 

 

 

Well that's good to hear! Thank you for your reply

[elaine567]

My BF and I have been together for 7.5 years. The last year of our relationship went downhill due to me holding resentment for his past mistakes and not being able to trust him.

 

OK, what past mistakes?

[Gus Grimly]

I just got out of a 4-year relationship. We were engaged as well. She broke it off with me and is now in a sexual relationship with 2 men. This is within 3 weeks of the breakup.

 

Me? I can't even begin to fathom the idea of being with another woman right now. I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I'm gonna need a lot of time to heal. Even if the situation presented itself, no strings attached, I'd have to decline.

[HeavyHeart87]

I just got out of a 4-year relationship. We were engaged as well. She broke it off with me and is now in a sexual relationship with 2 men. This is within 3 weeks of the breakup.

 

Me? I can't even begin to fathom the idea of being with another woman right now. I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I'm gonna need a lot of time to heal. Even if the situation presented itself, no strings attached, I'd have to decline.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your break up and I hope your heart finds peace soon rather than later. 3 weeks is awfully soon. I think a year is soon! When I went through the break up I couldn't imagine being sexual with anyone. I couldn't even look at another man!

[HeavyHeart87]

OK, what past mistakes?

 

A few months into our relationship his attitude changed. He was always angry with me, made me cry a lot, if I worded something wrong he'd take offence and get angry, he would do something to get me upset so I could break up with him every weekend so he could go out (this happened for over a month until I got fed up). He lied about having contact with his ex. He lied about where he was at multiple times, he lied about a co-worker sending flirtatious text messages. Most of it happened the first year we were together. The co-worker thing happened 3 years into our relationship.

[aloneinaz]

I should clarify that I had his bank account information because HE asked that I help manage his money and pay his bills. I handle my finances extremely well and he is horrible. He would always forget to pay his bills and his credit went to crap. I offered to help him NOT by getting his account information, but by reminding him of bill dates. Even with that, he would still forget to pay so he asked that I set accounts up on his account to go through as the time came to pay them. He would refuse setting up automatic payments. That's why I had his account info. I know I shouldn't have logged in after we broke up, but I did and regret it.

 

 

As for have access to his phone account, it's actually our account. We've been on the same account for most of our relationship (his request, not mine). Again, I still should not have checked his records.

 

 

I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until we broke up. Actually it was this website that made me realize I was being emotionally abusive. Another poster was describing her relationship and she sounded JUST LIKE ME. Blaming her partner for past betrayals and justifying her actions. Everyone commented that it was emotional abuse. My jaw dropped and I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I thought I just had anger issues from being raised in a family with anger issues. But my anger had gone passed that. I've actually told him multiple times that I was emotionally abusing him. He denies I was, but I think he's in denial.

 

 

Yesterday on our way to an event, I asked him why he still wanted to be with me if I was so horrible to him? He counter asked why I have this vision of myself as a monster and that there were a lot more good times than bad times and that although we had our rough moments, the good times were far more frequent than the bad. He notices my change in attitude and he's hopeful we'll make it through. He then mentioned that he doesn't deserve to be with ME after everything he put me through. I shut that comment down right away and told him he probably feels that way because I brainwashed him into believe it. He denied it of course.

 

 

You mentioned emasculating, that's exactly what happened. He mentioned that he always felt like I was the head of the house hold because I made more money, I was self employed and employed. He felt like he had nothing going for him and I had a lot going. It made me sad because I should have reassured him more that that was not the case.

 

 

As I mentioned before, I am doing hypnotherapy which is like therapy x3 IF it works for you. I tried therapy and progress was non existent. Once I tried hypnotherapy I could feel a difference after the first session. At times I get discouraged because almost every article I read states that most emotional abusers don't change. I thought that was pretty messed up. There are hundreds of websites for people who have been emotionally abused, but hardly anything for those who are trying to stop being emotionally abusive. No support groups, nothing! Most just say...get therapy. It would be nice to hear from someone who has succeeded in stopping their abuse. Anyway, thank you for the input. I REALLY appreciate it.

 

This reply to my feedback shows me you are on your way to truly addressing your self described issues. I'm glad you took what I said with an open mind. It's clear to me that you're the Alpha partner and he's the passive one. This can obviously impact a man's ego and self worth in the relationship. When he was seeking attention in strip clubs or snap chat, it was probably to sooth his ego and self worth.

 

 

You both have a lot of thinking to do here. Has there been too much damage in this relationship to get it back on track? Can you let go off your frustrations towards him? Will he be able to give you another chance to see if you can change and not be emotionally abusive?

 

 

It's a lot to overcome, including the break up. I'm not an advocate in second chances as they've never worked for me and don't work for most on this site. Either way, I wish you continued success in working on yourself.

[oldshirt]

To address your actual question, some guys are out looking for tail the next night after a break up and others may go months or even years before getting involved again. It all depends on the guy and the circumstances.

 

If some has been detaching and disconnecting over a long period of time, they may break up on a Thurs and be out on a date by Sat and involved in another actual relationship within a matter of weeks.

 

If the original relationship was really bad however, people may take a long time to get back in the market just because they like the peace and tranquility.

 

Your BF May fall into that category. You sound very high maintenance and demanding if not actually intrusive (I don't know if I'd go so far to say you were abusive) I would tend to believe him that he did not hook up with anyone else during your break up. He was probably enjoying just chilling out on the couch in his underwear plying video games and hanging with his homies.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm so sorry to hear about your break up and I hope your heart finds peace soon rather than later. 3 weeks is awfully soon. I think a year is soon! When I went through the break up I couldn't imagine being sexual with anyone. I couldn't even look at another man!

Awe thank you for the kind words.

 

Yes, 3 weeks is very soon in my opinion. I was dumbfounded by it. I truly cared about my Ex and loved her. People who show a lack of empathy, guilt, remorse or shame have no problem moving on immediately to somebody new.

 

You and I have morals and character. Real love, caring, remorse and empathy are qualities we can't just turn it off like a faucet. Be proud that you are a genuine person. Humility is a good quality to have.

[elaine567]

A few months into our relationship his attitude changed. He was always angry with me, made me cry a lot, if I worded something wrong he'd take offence and get angry, he would do something to get me upset so I could break up with him every weekend so he could go out (this happened for over a month until I got fed up). He lied about having contact with his ex. He lied about where he was at multiple times, he lied about a co-worker sending flirtatious text messages. Most of it happened the first year we were together. The co-worker thing happened 3 years into our relationship.

 

Yes, you can beat yourself over the head over your resentment and trust issues, and perhaps you did go over the top, but you also have to look at why here.

Is he basically trustworthy?

I suggest not. He has history.

Lying tends to foster trust issues in those being lied to, and where are you now?

He is STILL lying to you.

 

I think there is too much water under the bridge here for true reconciliation.

I doubt this relationship will make either of you happy long term.

 

BTW, I suggest most men take umbrage at being the lower earner - I guess he resents you for that too.