seekin Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 My GF and I have been dating for almost two years now. Early on, I found out she had a rather high number of “partners” which I certainly struggled with, but was able to get over. Another struggle I had was when I found out she cheated on one of her ex’s for about 5 months with someone who was mutual friends to them both. This happened when she was 19 (so about 4 years ago). As I am sure you can imagine, this made me think very critically of her character as well as the guy she had the affair with. Over time, though, I attributed to her young age and immaturity. Fast forward to about 7 months ago and this same guy is now dating one of my GF’s friends. As a result, I have had to be around him more and more frequently due her friend’s relationship. He seems like an alright guy to be around, but the thing that kills me inside is that every time we are all together, all I can think about is how this other guy had his hands all over my GF and slept with her on multiple occasions while her BF was clueless. It makes me not trust him and makes me feel a sense of resentment towards my GF. I often think like, “Is she checking him out right now?” Another thing that bothered me is one time while drinking, my GF’s friend bragged about how big his d*** is and my GF just smiled, so there’s also a sense of insecurity on my part. I struggle with these negative feelings because I don’t want to feel this way or think about it, but it keeps haunting me every time I am around the guy. One time my GF and I had an argument it slipped out and I told her I don’t ever want to be around him because of their past. So my question is this: how do I cope? I tell myself I can’t blame her for her past, but I also can’t stop but think about the above mentioned things. Am I just overreacting? I never tried to keep us from hanging out with them due to my feelings, but I still don’t feel comfortable each time. Any advice, comments, or sharing of similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
sweeeeetie82 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Wow...what kind of individual is comfortable with their friend dating their ex?? That's crazy. Sounds messy!
LoveRefreshed Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Your feelings are totally legit, IMO. I would have a 'non arguementative' conversation with her about this. She cheated on her boyfriend for five months with this guy, and his being around makes you uncomfortable. Tell her you'd like it if you guys didn't spend time with him around, maybe. Ask her how she'd feel if she were forced to spend time with a girl you ****ed for five months, who had amazing breasts and an ass. Unfortunately, her friend is dating him. That makes it a struggle, but you could honestly ask her if you guys can keep hanging out with the boyfriend to a minimum. 3
sweeeeetie82 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 It sounds to me like the situation is bothering you a lot, you need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation, tell her how you feel and to just tell her that you don't feel comfortable hanging around him..she needs to resort that, if she loves you. If she puts up a fight, then that's a whole other situation. You're her man, If the roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure she'd feel uncomfortable and would be freaking out.
todreaminblue Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 talk to her let her now it makes you uncomfortable to be around him just as loverefreshed suggested above, i think it would be best if you spent time together without the presence of this friend...good luck...deb
SammySammy Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 A few things: You are right to be wary of this situation. You have no control over your girlfriend's past. You say you've accepted it, let it go. To be honest, you don't have control over who she has sex with today or in the future either. However, you do control how you respond to it - if it happens. I would be cool, but watchful. If she decides to betray your trust, I would cut ties with all of those people. Immediately. That's just me. 1
Author seekin Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Thank you to all who have replied. Given her last response when I brought up the subject, I feel her response will be more angry than empathetic. I will give it a "go," but ultimately predict she will get upset and bring up how I should not be threatened over something that happened so long ago, etc. She will also ask, I'm predicting, that, "Now I cannot hangout with my friend because you don't like her BF?"
LoveRefreshed Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Thank you to all who have replied. Given her last response when I brought up the subject, I feel her response will be more angry than empathetic. I will give it a "go," but ultimately predict she will get upset and bring up how I should not be threatened over something that happened so long ago, etc. She will also ask, I'm predicting, that, "Now I cannot hangout with my friend because you don't like her BF?" If she gets angry, she is showing that she has no respect for your feelings and emotions. If she gets angry, ask her to calm down and respect your feelings and try to understand where you are coming from. I would iterate that her friend is not the problem. Tell her that she can hang out with her friend, but you feel uncomfortable hanging out with only her boyfriend. Tell her it's not the fact that she slept with him, but that she slept with him for 5 months while she had a boyfriend. That this man clearly has no respect for her or her relationships and that how can you be okay with someone who doesn't respect you [i mean you, not her] or what you have together? 1
sweeeeetie82 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 She can hang out with her friend, but he doesn't need to be there. She shouldn't get angry at you and if she does and doesn't respect you than maybe you're better off finding someone with less baggage, must human beings would be upset and jealous if their current bf/gf was still hanging around their ex, someone they obviously were intimate with at some point. 1
SammySammy Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Thank you to all who have replied. Given her last response when I brought up the subject, I feel her response will be more angry than empathetic. I will give it a "go," but ultimately predict she will get upset and bring up how I should not be threatened over something that happened so long ago, etc. She will also ask, I'm predicting, that, "Now I cannot hangout with my friend because you don't like her BF?" I wouldn't tell her she couldn't hang out with her friend. I wouldn't even tell her that she couldn't be around the guy. They both have to be respectful though.
Author seekin Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Any advice for me if she responses in a nasty/angry manner?
MrMeh Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 If she responds "negatively, then you civilly state you enjoyed the relationship but feel that you two are incompatible for each other. Wish her well and be on your way. On a side note, there is nothing you can do about her cheating in the past, but there is work for you to do with some insecurities. Enjoy being yourself and you'll begin to notice any threat you perceived was simply just that, a misguided perception. 1
h0000 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Any advice, though? Date someone else with no ugly sexual history and crazy friends?
sweeeeetie82 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Date someone else with no ugly sexual history and crazy friends? I agree with that statement completely!
Author seekin Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 If she responds "negatively, then you civilly state you enjoyed the relationship but feel that you two are incompatible for each other. Wish her well and be on your way. On a side note, there is nothing you can do about her cheating in the past, but there is work for you to do with some insecurities. Enjoy being yourself and you'll begin to notice any threat you perceived was simply just that, a misguided perception. Thank you. I greatly appreciate your advice. Thanks again.
Vercetti Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 They all sound crass, tacky, and classless in more ways then wish to type.
Author seekin Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Even though I should have saved the convo for face-to-face, this is what unfolded: Me: Every time I am around X, I think about how you had an affair for 5 months Her: Ok lol Me: I am bringing it up because it bothers me Her: No need to bring it up rn. I know you want to keep me away from my friends Me: He disrespected you and your relationship Her: when I was 19 Me: If I had a girl around that I had an affair with, you would feel u uncomfortable Her: Not if you ****ed her 4 years ago and her best friend was dating her and I knew you had no interest in her Her: 4 years is a very long time Her: but keep pulling **** out of your ass to fight about Her: you’re just controlling and don’t want me to have friends Her: you ruin my life every day Her: I hate you
Poppygoodwill Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 so it didn't go so well then. But you're right, you shouldn't have tried to tackle that sort of delicate and sensitive conversation by text. It was bound to go wrong. Could you put this in context for us....have there been other conflict between you about hanging out with her friends? Is she right to sort of suspect, based on a series of complaints you might have about her friends, that this isn't about him....but about a larger pattern based on your insecurity? It's easy enough for people here to say 'she's disrespecting your feelings, you should dump her'. But the truth is, being insecure in a relationship can be incredibly toxic to both the relationship and your partner. It requires a great deal of reassurance from the other person, and it also implies continual mistrust and judgement of their actions. Like if you feel insecure about her ex being around, you are - by default - judging her actions not only for being with him 4 years ago, but also mistrusting her now. That's hard to live with day in and day out. I'm not sure I would tolerate it if it was a regular thing. NO matter who you date, they will have a history. If they're attractive to you,t hey'll be attractive to others and that might make you worry they're going to run off. So for me, the solution here is for you to feel more confident and secure with your partners - no matter what. That means YOU believing that you are such a great catch that she wouldn't stray. And if she was dumb enough to cheat, you would know that she missed out on a good thing in you. How can you develop that level of confidence in yourself? Maybe first step is to really think about the roots of your insecurities - childhood? bad dating experiences? etc to understand why so that you can change it.
sandylee1 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Even though I should have saved the convo for face-to-face, this is what unfolded: Me: Every time I am around X, I think about how you had an affair for 5 months Her: Ok lol Me: I am bringing it up because it bothers me Her: No need to bring it up rn. I know you want to keep me away from my friends Me: He disrespected you and your relationship Her: when I was 19 Me: If I had a girl around that I had an affair with, you would feel u uncomfortable Her: Not if you ****ed her 4 years ago and her best friend was dating her and I knew you had no interest in her Her: 4 years is a very long time Her: but keep pulling **** out of your ass to fight about Her: you’re just controlling and don’t want me to have friends Her: you ruin my life every day Her: I hate you She's very immature from this conversation. You ruin her life everyday? What do you do to ruin her life? She sounds like a kid. If I was her and my BF had concerns, I'd tell my friend not to bring him over to your place , as I cheated with him and that my BF didn't feel comfortable with him. I'd tell my friend my BF had no problem with her, it's just her BF and that maybe in the future it would be different. So why isn't she doing this? She's not sensitive enough Your feelings aren't that important to her She's got no empathy Honestly the way she said she hates you is childish, my teenage kids don't even say such nonsense. I've never told a BF I hated them , even when they pissed me off. Her attitude stinks TBH. Does she dig her heels in when she doesn't get her way often? Or when she's told something she doesn't like? It's the disregard for your feelings, that would make me end this relationship more than anything else. How serious do you want to be with a girl this? I don't think she's the kind of girl to settle down with at all .
deadelvis Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Even though I should have saved the convo for face-to-face, this is what unfolded: Me: Every time I am around X, I think about how you had an affair for 5 months Her: Ok lol Me: I am bringing it up because it bothers me Her: No need to bring it up rn. I know you want to keep me away from my friends Me: He disrespected you and your relationship Her: when I was 19 Me: If I had a girl around that I had an affair with, you would feel u uncomfortable Her: Not if you ****ed her 4 years ago and her best friend was dating her and I knew you had no interest in her Her: 4 years is a very long time Her: but keep pulling **** out of your ass to fight about Her: you’re just controlling and don’t want me to have friends Her: you ruin my life every day Her: I hate you Ahhh... god I love women... You: Pardon me darling, I've been a bit concerned about a certain situation which has... Her: **** you!!! I hate you!!! I hope you diiiiiieeeee!!!! Sounds totally normal. That is ya know. If your a woman. She may be right, but it doesn't make her less of a bitch. This convo is so typical. It should be a meme.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Sorry bro. I wouldn't have done that **** via text. I would have done it in person. Now, you've got a tough decision to make- how much do you want it to work out? That response was aggressively defensive (?), she clearly is a drama queen and high maintenance. I'd cut her loose, but that's me. Tell her you won't be controlling at all anymore. Then just stop talking to her. Go NC. But I'm kind of a dick. How long have you guys been together? Does her friend know about their affair? Maybe you can talk to her friend about the situation and ask her how she feels about her bf seeing her still.
No Limit Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 4 years isn't "long ago". Many wives cheat on their husbands with former highschool camerads after class reunions they haven't seen in decades. Major red flag; that guy will always have a chance to get in her pants when she has a bad day. Just look at the conversation. That's the most immature combo I've read in quite a while. Or most likely you struck a nerve 'cause she's still interested and wants to keep away from that topic so no one would suspect a thing in the future... again, major red flag.
phineas Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Date someone else with no ugly sexual history and crazy friends? This. I've dated very few women that remained friends with guys they slept with & didn't cheat on me with them. That whole situation is messed up. Also, bitch move handling it over text. just get out of it and find a new girl. 1
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