kch Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Okay so I was stumbling around looking for some advice and landed here. First post but probably a bit lengthy. I'll try and summarize as best as possible. I grew up the son of an airline pilot and my dream had always been to do the same. When I finished my flight training and reached the number of hours needed to be eligible to apply at the airlines, they were laying off like crazy. Finally found a job halfway around the world from home. Was engaged at the time to a great gal. Problem was she wasn't too keen on living in a third world country and it would have been a pay cut from what I was doing (and didn't like) to taking this flying job. She never made me decide or give me any ultimatum but I knew I loved this gal and I knew she wouldn't last long overseas. I gave up that dream, never complained. We married for what has now been 27 years. Part of why I wanted to be a pilot was because my favorite thing to do is travel. The career I stayed in was well paying but it meant working every weekend, usually 6 days a week and virtually every holiday. About 3 years into our marriage we had our first child. Wife became increasingly frustrated with me working so much (as I later learned) but didn't share it with me at the time. She worked for a guy at a large company who was known as quite the "player" and sure enough capitalized on her feelings. After a year and a half of marriage counseling I learned that she never had sex with him and his pressuring her to is what broke it off. But they did do most of what teenagers might do up to that point. Really derailed us, especially me. I was a high school accident, mom and dad got married because of me, then divorced when I was 5 after multiple affairs on my mom's part. So with that kind of childhood it probably hit me a lot harder than it should have. That led to us putting in a lot of work for a long time. But in the 20 years since have done great. We've always had a policy ever since the more emotional-than-physical affair that any travel would be together. I had some training in Miami for a career change I made 12 or so years ago and she came with me for the 4 days I was there. There have been a couple rare exceptions but always very brief trips. February of 2014 we as a family took a huge two week vacation of a lifetime. 7 hours after landing home my wife had to leave on a work trip and after having been gone two weeks already it was impossible for me to go. She hit three cities over 2 weeks. While she was gone she'd accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else. Work buddy who was travelling somewhere other than where she was, but it was a name I'd never heard before. I confronted her, she showed me all the texts, nothing inappropriate. She kept it a secret because she was afraid I'd freak out because of the previous affair. A few months later I was in a very serious car wreck, nearly killed. She took a new position within the same company and was specifically told it did not involve any travel. A week into the new position she had to leave to a conference for a week. I was still in sad shape and was home but not completely capable of caring for myself yet. But I managed. We had a long talk and reaffirmed our years earlier commitment to not travel without the other. Interestingly my grandmother had a career that required a lot of travel and never ever went without my grandfather. Might sound a bit possessive but when you actually understand the why's and benefits it's a pretty cool policy. But since she's had to travel quite a bit mostly domestically. Needless to say the car wreck had a toll on everything income, health, mental well being. Additionally problems with a former friend harassing us at all hours of the day. Basically a really long year. About a month ago she found out she has to travel again, this time to a dream destination for 2 weeks. Because of the amount of work missed with the accident and still trying to get things settled with the insurance company, massive medical bills thanks to an uninsured driver.... Being able to afford a very expensive plane ticket for me is likely out of the question. Sad really because she has a room and her meals all paid for. It's just my meals and airfare. And I'm not nor is the doctor entirely sure I'm ready for a 15 hour flight. She's always optimistic and keeps insisting will figure it out. She has offered to cancel if I can't go but I know it will crush her. But long story short I've had an absolute year from hell. The wreck and the health problems. Reduced income, daily harassment from the former friend that the police have been unable to curb. I've lost 3 close relatives this year including my mom, unexpectedly. My favorite baby of a car was totaled. I can't be the one to tell her not to go. But I'm at the point that one more bit of bad news, one more thing falling through will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I didn't give up my dream career, that involved travelling which has always been very important to me, to have her turn around and take a job involving travel. In the last 15 months since the big family vacation she's been on 8 different trips, the kids have been all over the world. All while I've sat home. It's hard to see anyone living your dream let alone someone so close. The other thing about this is that I don't know and have never met anyone she works with in this new job. I'm not 100% comfortable with her flying halfway around the world with 30 total strangers, most of whom are skirt chasing pilots themselves. But I feel stuck. If I ask her to stay she will. I know she won't say a word but I know it will hurt for her. If she goes I know it will be the final straw for me. If she stays she'll lose respect from the people she works with and for and I'll look like a total boob. But I just cannot handle one more letdown, one more piece of bad news this year. Absolutely nothing has gone my way. It would take days to explain but if all I had to do to have all my wishes come true was to flip a coin and land on heads, even with a 100 chances I'd get all tails. I don't know how we'd come up with the money for the ticket and the fact that we've got medical bills stacked up on the desk it probably isn't wise to spend the money even if we had it on a plane ticket. But I also know that if she goes and I stay it will break me, probably for good. We've been seeing a counselor as part of the way this year has gone as its taken a toll. In an otherwise normal healthy relationship she feels that it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to want to have met the people she's going halfway around the world with and would probably expect the same in her relationship. She also agrees that it really isn't fair to give up a travel related career to choose my wife, to have her turn around and travel instead. But we are not in a position for her to make any career moves that would reduce or eliminate the travel at least not for another 6 months or so. I really don't know what to do. We won't survive, I won't survive mentally her taking this trip at this time. But her not going creates other equally bad problems. Short of a golden pig landing in my front yard there isn't a solution that is anything other than lose-lose-lose. Except to let her go and bite my tongue about all of it. And I don't have the strength currently to do it.
preraph Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Your rule about never traveling apart is just a bad rule. It's all about your insecurity. She shouldn't have to accommodate that by messing herself up at work by not traveling when needed or by giving up any other traveling she may want to do. I understand you have a lot on your plate right now, but jeez, after this many years, do you think you could trust your wife a little? If not, what are you doing with her. Glad you are in counseling. She never should have agreed to not travel without you because you are not the only person or job in her life. And you're both grownups, not children. You need to suck it up and let her have as much of a life and career as she wants. That's what love it, not keeping someone locked in a cage. Don't sit back and paralyze yourself dwelling on the big picture. Just tackle one issue at a time and dispense with it. 2
Gloria25 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) I don't see this getting any better... She's always been about #1 - which is "her"...from the day you met her. I mean, early in the marriage and after you sacrifice your dream job/career to work a sucky job so that she can have a roof over her head, she "rewards" you by pulling the "oh, I'm so lonely card" and getting mixed up with some loser. BTW, what is it that "high school kids do"? Cuz now a days that involves oral sex. If she was so bored, why not fix a lunch/dinner/treat basket and bring to you while on the job and spend time with you on your breaks/lunch? Oh yeah, cuz it's all about "her". If she wanted a guy who made enough money to afford her, kids, a house, marriage and work 9 to 5, then she should have left you alone and gotten him. She reminds me of one mf my relative's ex. She wanted the house, kids, etc and when he lost his job and had to take work that would take him away from the home, instead of her supporting him (uh the vow of "for better or worse") all she did was cry how lonely she was and ridicule him when he came off the road instead of greeting him with food on the stove and a bubble bath. Once she got her own "job" all she did was hoard her money, they're always behind in bills and come to find out she was gambling. She didn't even budget. They're barely home and she has to have premium cable, two cars, etc....again, all about "her". So, out of all the jobs she could choose, she chooses one where she can "escape" from you and the kids and do her own thing. Sorry, but IMO, this marriage has been about "her" from day one - including this trip she so desperately wants to pretend she will not take. I mean, who cares about her co-workers...the day she gets hit by a car, they hire someone new and probably even better than her - she and/or ANY workerbee isn't that special. But glad to see she finds more value in the workplace than to be there for you and/or her family. I say find a lawyer to see if you can divorce her, get alimony and the kids and most of the assets in the marriage. This marriage has been over for years. Now she's busy with her job and money, let her leave with the clothes on her back, cuz you've been the backbone/support of this family. Oh, and do it on the sly...don't announce divorce until the atty let's you get your ducks in a row. Edited August 7, 2015 by Gloria25 1
road Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Your rule about never traveling apart is just a bad rule. It is not a bad rule. Rather it is a consequence of her having a previous affair.
BluEyeL Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I just think you're being totally unreasonable, jealous/envious, and in general, just a big whiny baby. Get a grip and control of your feelings. Your feelings are your responsibility. Try to be rational because you might be sorry to lose her if you keep at it the way you sound.
Author kch Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Well quite a varied response... Let me just add this. Yes the rule regarding travel was something she suggested after her affair. Her change in position within the company was sold to me as a zero travel position. The trip in question is a 2 day conference but 8 extra days being tacked on for fun. Of the group she is in everyone is a pilot except her and one other support person. Everyone brings their SO and most are bringing their entire families.it is not a completely business trip I'm butting into. I would be the only SO absent except for 3 of the pilots who are unattached. I readily acknowledge I'm being a bit needy here. Without spending days explaining it's been a year that many would have just checked out from. Maybe some of you have never experienced it but sometimes people get in a place where they can't afford another big dissapointment or another thing gone wrong.
BluEyeL Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Your wife travelling and you not being able to shouldn't be a disappointment. If you made a decision 27 years ago to choose a certain career, then you went over an emotional affair of hers, now it seems you punished her all of your lives for these decisions you made. It just sounds like petty envy on your part. It's not like it's a calamity that you can't go on a freaking trip and nobody owes you trips that you didn't take because of whatever you decided three decades ago. Grow up and quit your whining already! The "rule" to always travel together is also absurd. You can't always do that. Being envious that she has a job that involves travel is also petty. Why don't you change your thoughts and become a reasonable adult. Mind your own business, build your own life and stop blaming others for your fate. Get some therapy.
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