Respond to a birthday email?

[VectorSS]

I know this topic can go both ways but I wanted some opinions here for something so simple yet has had me stuck for 2 days.

 

Long story short, I'm a 31 year old male that was "dumped' by my then fiancee only around 7 months before our wedding. We were together for 8 years but spent the last 3 of those years long distance.

 

The break up came out of no where. Before that she had hinted for me to propose and was madly in love with me, or so she said.

 

We broke up in November last year and our last communication was in February where I even offered to move overseas, leave my life and restart the relationship as apparently that was the sticking point. That was apparently not the case but I feel she basically fell out of love or was unsure about "us", but even till today I still don't know what the real reason is as communication was very scarce throughout this break up.

 

Basically in my last email I told her if she had no intention of getting back then to please cease all communication with me including wishing me a happy birthday because she kept re-surfacing throughout the break up after ignoring texts from me and that annoyed me.

 

So she wished me a happy birthday on my day (well two days after) saying she is still thinking about me and she honestly from the bottom of her heart hopes I'm doing well. Also, her email indicated she didn't message THE day of my birthday as to avoid ruining my "special day" I don't think she was fishing for a response and I don't want the relationship to start either as this is someone who betrayed me. I also didn't wish her happy birthday on her birthday in June.

 

Shall I reply with a simple thank you our of courtesy? Such a simple question yet so difficult to decide.

 

You opinions? Thanks!

[TaraMaiden2]

Absolutely not.

[quattrob]

I see no harm in sending a short message, something like "Thank you for the birthday wish". Or ignoring is another option. I think these are the only 2 options that I'd go with. Try not to think too much and overanalyzing.

[VectorSS]

Hmm, just to add this person meant the world to me and to add we are now extremely far (geographical) from one another so the chances of me getting tempted again are slim to none. Plus, like I mentioned in my previous post I wouldn't want to get back with someone who just walked out on me. Absolutely not.

 

To be honest I was leaning more towards the thank you for the birthday wish short concise close ended email. I feel if I didn't respond it would appear as if I'm holding a grudge and I'm not the type of person to hold a grudge especially against a person who will always have a special place in my heart and that I've spent 8 incredible years with.

[quattrob]

You do not need to justify your own actions. And please try not to care about what others think of you based on your actions because it's not that you're not responding because you have grudges, you're not responding because there is no point to respond. Don't do things based on others views on you. Do things because that is who you are.

[Chi townD]

Well, some would say you can respond with a simple "thanks" nothing more and nothing less. If you were brand new to NC, the I would say absolutely not because you're getting baited. But since it's been a long period of time and you feel the need to say something, I would do a simple "thanks" but only if you think you are strong enough.

 

 

However! You should know that you're getting baited. As soon as she see's you've responded, expect follow up questions, "How are you? How are things? How's the job treating you?...blah...blah... "friend zone" crap. Ignore it.

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure how you feel about the whole thing, but at the end of the day, you asked her to stop all communication with you. I presume that meant that you'd get back in touch with her when and if you felt ready, but no promises about that.

 

Basically, a hardcore breakup vs. an unaffected breakup where the two can immediately be friends.

 

I think that this also means, in time, you probably won't seek her out for friendship, but at some point, you could see being cordial and civil and even playful with no ulterior motives. Like a reunion with someone you once knew well. Which is what it would be.

 

The fact that you've been brooding over this tells me that today is not that day. If you were 100% ready, you'd know. You wouldn't even hesitate. The harm that can be done is that you get dragged back into thinking about this a lot, i.e., regression. Sort of like what's already happened over the past two days.

 

Last, I'm not sure what possessed her to contact you, but it must also be said that she did not respect your wishes. It seems she has decided how much time is enough for you, and I'd like to think that you're the one who is doing the decision making for you now.

 

So there's two reasons to just let it go, and don't look back. Maybe you can wish her a HB on hers, on her 50th. Whenever, but that's up to you and I get the sense that your hand is being pushed at least a little.

 

For these two reasons, I advise NO.

Edited August 6, 2015 by mightycpa

[jaskiegs]

Well, I guess there are two reasons to respond and one reason not to. In the category of why you shouldn't, it's obvious. The relationship is over both romantically and geographically and contact is not useful when the relationship is over (assuming that it wasn't the unaffected breakup where people can be genuine friends, which this one is not).

 

In the other category, if you want to reconcile, you could respond. If you do not respond, the chances of reconciling are zero. If you do respond, the chances of reconciling are incredibly slim. For some, slim is better than zero. But based on her behavior, even if you reconcile, you are likely to be hurt again so think hard.

 

The second reason to respond is to rub it in that you're OK. I know, not very adult. But we're humans, not evolved god-figures. But based on your presence here, I don't think you have much to rub in. So I would avoid this reason.

 

So, at the end, if you want an incredibly slim chance at reconciliation, respond. If not, then delete and move on. Understand, though, that reconciliation could mean more pain in the future.

 

OK, now everyone flames me for suggesting the possibility of reconciliation but oh well.

 

Best of luck!

[aloneinaz]

There's no reason to reply to her B-day wishes. You asked for no contact and she still breaks it. She ignores your texts.

 

 

She was probably getting involved with someone new where she lives when you were long distance, which is why you got so little information when it happened.

 

 

You don't owe her a reply. You ignoring her mean indifference to her contact. She's lives a world away now. I wouldn't give a hoot what she thought and if you're lucky, you'll never hear from her again.

[VectorSS]

You do not need to justify your own actions. And please try not to care about what others think of you based on your actions because it's not that you're not responding because you have grudges, you're not responding because there is no point to respond. Don't do things based on others views on you. Do things because that is who you are.

 

I don't think it's about me justifying my actions but more of me being the bigger person and simply being cordial and civil. Nothing more or less. I know it's quite obvious like I'm leaning more towards responding and the reason is, as you said, this is who I am. Not responding to her is not who I am because at the end of the day if she fell out of love then that is something I cannot blame her, but I certainly can blame her with how she went about this whole thing and people do a lot of stupid stuff when emotions are running ultra high. I'm just saying what I said for the sake of discussion and I appreciate your response

 

Well, some would say you can respond with a simple "thanks" nothing more and nothing less. If you were brand new to NC, the I would say absolutely not because you're getting baited. But since it's been a long period of time and you feel the need to say something, I would do a simple "thanks" but only if you think you are strong enough.

 

 

However! You should know that you're getting baited. As soon as she see's you've responded, expect follow up questions, "How are you? How are things? How's the job treating you?...blah...blah... "friend zone" crap. Ignore it.

 

It has been 7 months since no contact and like I said getting back together is not an option! It's interesting to hear your point of view on this in thinking that I'm getting baited, especially after such a long time of no contact..but baited into what exactly? The damage is so severe she would be delusional to think there is a chance, especially knowing how certain she was of her decision.

 

I do agree and also fear the follow up questions but something tells me this won't be the case if I do reply!

 

I'm not sure how you feel about the whole thing, but at the end of the day, you asked her to stop all communication with you. I presume that meant that you'd get back in touch with her when and if you felt ready, but no promises about that.

 

Basically, a hardcore breakup vs. an unaffected breakup where the two can immediately be friends.

 

I think that this also means, in time, you probably won't seek her out for friendship, but at some point, you could see being cordial and civil and even playful with no ulterior motives. Like a reunion with someone you once knew well. Which is what it would be.

 

The fact that you've been brooding over this tells me that today is not that day. If you were 100% ready, you'd know. You wouldn't even hesitate. The harm that can be done is that you get dragged back into thinking about this a lot, i.e., regression. Sort of like what's already happened over the past two days.

 

Last, I'm not sure what possessed her to contact you, but it must also be said that she did not respect your wishes. It seems she has decided how much time is enough for you, and I'd like to think that you're the one who is doing the decision making for you now.

 

So there's two reasons to just let it go, and don't look back. Maybe you can wish her a HB on hers, on her 50th. Whenever, but that's up to you and I get the sense that your hand is being pushed at least a little.

 

For these two reasons, I advise NO.

 

I woke up to the email.. so imagine my alarm rings at 6:10 AM wake up to see an email from her! At first I was shocked, then angry, then mellowed down quite quickly. I agree with the whole brooding over this case, but after I calmed down I didn't think much into it and I was going to quickly shoot a "thank you for the wishes, take care!" reply from my phone, but I got caught up with work. It was only after seeking people's advice on this that it became murky!

 

I'm also not sure what possessed her to contact me either, but deep down I felt she would. While I did tell her not to contact me as it will take some time to heal, I even told her after a while should we bump ways I won't act like a stranger and say a quick hello, but you are right in the sense that it seems that SHE is deciding that it's enough time for me to have healed, and I'm not too fond of that.

 

That bolded part made me chuckle

 

But yeah thanks a lot ladies and gentlemen! The responses have been great and it makes it even more interesting not knowing whether the responses have come from a male or a female, a dumper or a dumpee, and what sort of experiences people have been through.

[Chi townD]

 

It has been 7 months since no contact and like I said getting back together is not an option! It's interesting to hear your point of view on this in thinking that I'm getting baited, especially after such a long time of no contact..but baited into what exactly? The damage is so severe she would be delusional to think there is a chance, especially knowing how certain she was of her decision.

 

 

 

Dude, seriously? You were just a few short months away from pledging yourself to her for the rest of your life and she ditched you. She KNOWS she hurt you bad. She KNOWS she gutted you and broke your heart to pieces.

 

 

So, why is she contacting you now? Guilt. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a nice person. So, she contacts you to see if this is the case. She would probably want nothing more than to get you in the "friend zone" to ease her own guilt. She would LOVE to say to herself, "Okay, I did a pretty crappy thing, but look! He's fine! He's okay and we seem to be on civil terms even after what I did to him." Now, she can ease her guilt and go back to her own life! All's right and balanced in her universe again!

[aloneinaz]

Dude, seriously? You were just a few short months away from pledging yourself to her for the rest of your life and she ditched you. She KNOWS she hurt you bad. She KNOWS she gutted you and broke your heart to pieces.

 

 

So, why is she contacting you now? Guilt. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a nice person. So, she contacts you to see if this is the case. She would probably want nothing more than to get you in the "friend zone" to ease her own guilt. She would LOVE to say to herself, "Okay, I did a pretty crappy thing, but look! He's fine! He's okay and we seem to be on civil terms even after what I did to him." Now, she can ease her guilt and go back to her own life! All's right and balanced in her universe again!

 

 

I was going to say exactly what he did here. GUILT is why she's texting. She $hit all over you and wants validation that you ok with her now. Don't provide that to her. Again, silence on your part will speak volumes. This isn't about being civil or polite. This is about you NOT opening up yourself to more engagement w/her and opening old wounds.

[SoThatHappened]

My rule of thumb after being here for over a year and finally over my breakup for a few months:

 

If you have to post here asking about whether or not to respond to breadcrumbs... don't respond.

 

When you're indifferent, feel free. Until then, no response.

 

If she wants you back she'll do more than wish you a happy birthday.

[VectorSS]

Hey folks!

 

Just wanted to thank all of you who have shared their opinions with me. I've taken a decision and it was pretty much against what the majority of people on here advised me to do.

 

I simply sent a "thank you for the wishes" response. I immediately felt a sense of relief and I immediately forgot that communication was re-established after so many months.

 

I've also decided that should she reply trying to re-establish communication, which does not seem to be the case, I will simply not respond. My thank you response was purely out of courtesy and I've now realized that I'm indifferent over the whole thing.

 

Sometimes over analyzing things really does complicate things, as mentioned above.

 

Thanks again!

[theredpill]

90% of people here will tell you not to respond, ignoring people is rude, shows you have zero self control and are still bitter about the breakup.

 

You should only ignore ex's who've cheated on you, they deserve nothing.

 

A polite thank you is the correct way to handle this, well done!

[Learningtowalkagain]

My ex text'd me Happy Fathers Day. I said thank you and left it at that. I see no harm in acknowledging a thoughtful sentiment like that. We ended on mutual terms so there was no bad blood but even if there were I would have replied the same.