Mandy235 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Hi, all. So here's my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for about two and half years. We really fit well together and have similar interests, and he treats me like an absolute princess. However, I feel like I've lost respect for him. He always talks about future plans for his life and he's extremely smart, but he never does anything to capitalize on his potential. He's never moved out, still lives with his mom, and has made promises to improve things that he's never fulfilled. Our age difference is getting to be a problem too (I'm 21, he's 28). He wants me to commit, while I'm not sure he's "husband material" to put it harshly. Basically, our relationship is very uneven, with me not sure about anything and him doing everything he can to make sure I don't leave (we've almost broken up several times). The reason we haven't broken up is because I know he loves me so much and that he seems willing to work on and change things. I just don't know if it's fair to keep him hanging on when I'm so unsure and having feelings for others. I'm not sure if it's because of my age or my inexperience (this is my first serious relationship and my first sexual one), but sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on dating other people. I've really only dated two people, never just dated around. I've recently gotten back in touch with my ex. We dated twice, when I was 15 and 17, and he's two years older than me. I'm not in love with him, and we're not even flirting, but I can tell that he still has a lot of respect and good feelings for me and I think now that we're older and we've both changed as a result, dating him would be different. What I see in him is a chance to have a relationship that's not super complicated like mine is. I've been attracted to other people over the past year or so as well and sometimes regret not being able to follow up on a connection.
No Limit Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Do it the dignified way and dump your BF then; it's perfectly alright to break up because of the lack of feelings. Just please don't cheat or stuff like that. 3
LoveRefreshed Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 It seems you're on different pages for what you want out of life. Your feelings for others are just GIGS, you see the qualities in them that your boyfriend is lacking. Don't let things get worse by throwing in another person into this mix. Handle one relationship at a time. So let's talk about your current one. "We really fit well together and have similar interests, and he treats me like an absolute princess. However, I feel like I've lost respect for him" So many times women come on here and complain about the way their dick boyfriend treats them. You have a man that treats you so well and you've lost respect for that? Do you only respect people who treat you poorly? Sorry, this one pisses me off because it's the truth about most women. They don't respect you if you're too kind/treat them too nicely. Anyway, you fit together well, you have similar interest.. that is not how you feel, that is the image of a relationship in your mind. Do you guys laugh together? Do you enjoy your time with him? Do you love him? Do you have a good sex life? Those are important in a relationship. Finally, if those answers are yes, then I would tell him that "I have plans in my life, and I have things I want for my happiness. Living at home and doing nothing for yourself is going to crush my dreams. I can't do that. So please, change these things: ___. Otherwise, I don't think I will ever truly be happy." If those answers are no, then you just go ahead and say "It's not working. I don't want to be with you anymore" and you move on. After 2.5 years, if you WANT, you may tell him more, but you don't have too. "You have so much potential, and you don't realize it. It hurts me to leave you, but the way you are, I can't be happy. You should work on your independence and moving forward with your life."
Gary S Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 There are a couple of problems: 1) You don't love your boyfriend that much. You can only love someone as much as you respect them....and as you said, you don't respect him that much. 2) I hate to tell you this, but some women don't mature, from a relationship standpoint, until they are around 26-27. So don't be too hard on yourself if you don't take boys too seriously yet.....you might not be ready for deep love yet. The phrase "puppy love" comes to mind. 1
pteromom Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 2) I hate to tell you this, but some women don't mature, from a relationship standpoint, until they are around 26-27. So don't be too hard on yourself if you don't take boys too seriously yet.....you might not be ready for deep love yet. The phrase "puppy love" comes to mind. It's not even a matter of being ready for love, as it is knowing who you are and what you want out of life. Even though you think you know who you are, as you get further from your childhood and keep having more experiences on your own, you will learn more about yourself and blossom into the woman you are supposed to be. My advice? Break up with your bf. Not for some other guy - but for you. Tell him you just aren't ready to settle down at 21. Then CASUALLY date the other guy if things progress. Get your own place. Go on road trips with friends. Travel. Learn. Do artistic things. Explore hobbies. Being single is amazing, because you can do what you want without answering to anyone else. You've been with this boyfriend since you were 18? You haven't even had the opportunity to grow up and be YOU (the you that isn't part of a WE, that is.) I actually know someone who was in your situation who broke up with her bf around your age, went and did all kinds of wonderful things, and ended up getting back together with the bf 10 years later. Now they have a couple of kids together and they are really happy. You never know what life will bring - but don't tie yourself down at your age. 1
katiegrl Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) So let's talk about your current one. "We really fit well together and have similar interests, and he treats me like an absolute princess. However, I feel like I've lost respect for him" So many times women come on here and complain about the way their dick boyfriend treats them. You have a man that treats you so well and you've lost respect for that? Do you only respect people who treat you poorly? Sorry, this one pisses me off because it's the truth about most women. They don't respect you if you're too kind/treat them too nicely. We really fit well together and have similar interests, and he treats me like an absolute princess. However, I feel like I've lost respect for him. He always talks about future plans for his life and he's extremely smart, but he never does anything to capitalize on his potential. He's never moved out, still lives with his mom, and has made promises to improve things that he's never fulfilled. LR, in reading Mandy's original post (partial quote above)....I did not get the sense she has lost respect for him because he treats so well and like an "absolute princess." She LIKES that part about him. And it's the fact he does treat her so well (and that they appear to be such a good fit)...that has her torn and confused as to what to do. That's the sense I got from her post anyway.... I could be wrong. The way I read it....she has lost respect for him because "He always talks about future plans for his life and he's extremely smart, but he never does anything to capitalize on his potential. He's never moved out, still lives with his mom, and has made promises to improve things that he's never fulfilled." And being that he is 28 years old....one would presume he would be taking steps to move out on his own...and get his life together. So in that regard, can't say I blame her for losing respect for him. Mandy, you are only 21 years old....you have your entire life ahead of you. Since you have lost respect for him.... IMO you really don't have much choice but to walk away... and find another man who you WILL respect...and love. It's tough ending a close RL, especially when it appears you are a good fit. However, respect is HUGE...and again you are so young. You will most likely have many relationships, some good, some not so good....it's all a learning experience until you find that one special guy with whom you will want to commit long term....who you will respect and love, and who will respect, cherish and love you back. By the way, does your boyfriend know how you feel? Have you discussed with him the fact his lack of drive/ambition is causing you to lose respect for him? Knowing this may be the push he needs to get going in life...get out on his own, etc. However, if you think it's past the point of no return...you need to end it. For HIS sake and YOURS. Good luck hon.. Edited August 6, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Mandy235 Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 LR, in reading Mandy's original post (partial quote above)....I did not get the sense she has lost respect for him because he treats so well and like an "absolute princess." She LIKES that part about him. And it's the fact he does treat her so well (and that they appear to be such a good fit)...that has her torn and confused as to what to do. That's the sense I got from her post anyway.... I could be wrong. The way I read it....she has lost respect for him because "He always talks about future plans for his life and he's extremely smart, but he never does anything to capitalize on his potential. He's never moved out, still lives with his mom, and has made promises to improve things that he's never fulfilled." And being that he is 28 years old....one would presume he would be taking steps to move out on his own...and get his life together. So in that regard, can't say I blame her for losing respect for him. Mandy, you are only 21 years old....you have your entire life ahead of you. Since you have lost respect for him.... IMO you really don't have much choice but to walk away... and find another man who you WILL respect...and love. It's tough ending a close RL, especially when it appears you are a good fit. However, respect is HUGE...and again you are so young. You will most likely have many relationships, some good, some not so good....it's all a learning experience until you find that one special guy with whom you will want to commit long term....who you will respect and love, and who will respect, cherish and love you back. By the way, does your boyfriend know how you feel? Have you discussed with him the fact his lack of drive/ambition is causing you to lose respect for him? Knowing this may be the push he needs to get going in life...get out on his own, etc. However, if you think it's past the point of no return...you need to end it. For HIS sake and YOURS. Good luck hon.. You're exactly right - the fact that he treats me like a princess is the biggest reason that I'm still in the relationship. I have discussed with him that I've lost respect and I've told him the things that bother me, but mostly those discussions end in blowout fights because he already has insecurity and self-esteem issues and hearing those kinds of things from someone he loves is kinda the worst. Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been thinking along the same lines as what everyone has been telling me, it's just really hard to walk away.
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