Kellens Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 This will probably be long but I have to write something out or I feel like I will go crazy. Last year I went through an extremely difficult and painful breakup. Me and my ex were together for 7 years, worked together and lived together. He was my best friend and my only real confidant. I have always had trouble truly feeling like myself with my “friends” I don’t have much in common with them besides the typical girly stuff. My ex cheated on me but put me through emotional torture for almost 2 months before I found out and finally ended things. From August of last year, when he first told me he didn’t think he wanted to be with me anymore, until the end of November I was extremely depressed and unhappy. I had never felt anything close to that in my whole life. I dropped almost 20 pounds in 3 months, and I wasn’t overweight, couldn’t sleep and was borderline suicidal for a week or two. One day I woke up and I just felt better and every day after that was a continued improvement. There were a couple of sad days thrown in of course, Christmas & New Years were tough, but nothing how I had felt in the weeks and months before. I felt stronger and more confident and started to date. The first guy I went out on a date with I was immediately attracted to and he definitely helped me completely close the door on my ex. Things didn’t work out and after 5 weeks things kind of just ended. I didn’t deal with it well, rebounds can be difficult, but I tried to shake it off and I started talking to other guys. I went on a lotttt of dates between February and April and there was only one guy who caught my interest. We started out fairly slow and he kind of just grew on me, I wasn’t sure if he was right but there was something about him that I was drawn to. He started out seeming like a nice guy but his true colors started to show, he had a bad temper, was really sensitive and kind of back and forth when it came to expressing his feelings and everything. He wanted to introduce me to his Mom after a month and a half, I was very hesitant but agreed, I have to say that we hadn’t even been really intimate yet. He made me feel special but I always doubted his intentions, perhaps it was because of what he was showing me or maybe it was because of all that I had been through with my ex. Either way things ended and they ended very badly. He was clear that he never wanted to see me again. I missed him a lot and contacted him a week later and we were contemplating seeing each other but then he stopped contacting me so I left it alone. That was almost 2 months ago. His birthday was last week and I sent him a simple text saying happy birthday, he replied thank you and appreciated that I remembered. 2 days later he sends me a text saying how much liked me and that he has missed me like crazy. We were texting for the next few days but I was trying not to get into it too much. I was really heartbroken when he stopped contacting me. He said he wanted to see me again, we finally spoke on the phone but not about “us” just about things he had been going through and what I had missed in his and my life since our last contact. It felt like a good conversation but when I asked him if we were going to see each other on a specific date, he was a little weird. He hasn’t contacted me since then. I am so upset for even answering him to begin with. I don’t know if it’s the timing but I am so upset and depressed. This time last year is when my ex started acting funny, I don’t feel like I got over my break up too fast but I think I still have some long term effects from it. I have been having trouble sleeping, waking up in a cold sweat, loss of appetite and I am always on the verge of tears. This isn’t my personality at all. It’s like this guy triggered something in me that I didn’t realize was still there. I even started to feel suicidal 2 days ago, I feel so alone. I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones that I do have are too busy with their own stuff or just don’t care. My sister is moving in with her boyfriend and is having problems with her son so I don’t want to bother her either. I have a 20 year old son who is a Marine and he is the only thing that stops me when I am at my darkest moments. I had him when I was 14 and we pretty close. He was here visiting a couple of times last month, I think I became used to a male presence again and that might be contributing to my sadness. I’m hoping this will pass but I just needed to let it all out. I’m so sorry for this long post but I feel a bit better after writing it.
aloneinaz Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Clearly, you know that these feeling can be generated after a R/S ends but they always pass. You just have to power thru them. Have you talked to any professionals? A psychiatrist or therapist? It sounds as though you would benefit from seeing one, even a regular doctor. Sometimes they will prescribe an anti-depressant to help you get through the lowest points and then wean you off when you're feeling much better.
skweezd Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Kellens, I got on this site tonight to try and find comfort in my own break up. I too am going through a very rough time after ending a 5 year relationship with a man who I still love. Anyway, what I am getting at is you're not alone in this funk you're in. I think the best thing you could possible do for yourself right now is to be busy, very very busy. So busy that you don't have time to think. Run, walk, volunteer, garden, sew, clean, blast some music, and get them endorphines going. I spent three years volunteering with a youth organization and helping to organize their sports teams/game schedules/fundraisers. It was the busiest I ever was and I felt needed and appreciated. And just take a break from dating. In a few months or maybe even a year or two, you'll figure our exactly who you are and what you like as a single woman, and then you can find someone who appreciates you for you. I wish you the best. Please tell your son I want to say thank you for his service. Best, Kim
Author Kellens Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Thank you both for responding. I know I will power through this since I have done it before, all of these feelings have just caught me by surprise. I thought I would feel weird when it came around the year mark but I thought I would probably be with someone and I would be distracted. I think being alone and having this other guy mess with my head a bit just made me feel worse and then the anxiety/depression kicked in. I feel weak and like I should know better but I am only human. I have thought about therapy before but I'm not sure if that's something I'm ready to get into, at least not right now. I just wish I had a friend that I could hang out with or talk to, it seems like no one is around. Posting helps relieve some of the pressure though and I appreciate the feedback 1
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