clewless Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 I am having to take care of my abusive father for a month since he broke his leg, and it is bringing up old issues for me about him making passes at my girlfriends and ex-wife, as well as 'dominating' my sex life in terms of his being the 'alpha male' and undermining almost all my romantic relationships in my life... I know it sounds like I need to 'grow a set of balls' and 'be a man', but it is devastating from childhood, when you are 7 or 8 years old and your father leaves in a parked car outside my 3rd grade teacher's apartment on a Sunday afternoon, and then tells me to tell my mother we were 'playing ball in the park' all afternoon... But my question is, how do you cope with a life of lost chances due to your own father's emotional and verbal abuse (as well as physically trying to steal your girlfriends, by kissing them in front of me as a young inexperienced teen) when I am now getting old and don't seem to have as many dating chances anymore... I feel like I missed the 'prime of my life' already and am just coming to terms with these issues, but need to know how to deal with the overwhelming sadness that comes from the loss of a 'normal' dating life when I was younger and more attractive/eligible
Reels Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 You can do nothing, other than sharing these thoughts with others as much as you can, although be careful when you do. That's the only way you can feel relaxed. 1
Author clewless Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 You can do nothing, other than sharing these thoughts with others as much as you can, although be careful when you do. Thanks, Reels... I am just curious why you say 'be careful' when sharing these thoughts? Thanks
momx3 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 A friend of mine recently told me that for every woman in the boat that I am in...skeptical there is any man that will meet my ridiculous standards and see me for who I am...there is a man in the same boat. The most difficult part is figuring out how to meet them. Neither of us have figured that one out. We are both in situations where we want good Christian men that aren't going to run as soon as they see our kids. Especially without knowing the story about what makes us single parents. My point is that someone will come along and understand you more than anyone else ever could and right now, they are in the same place you are, feeling hopeless. I cope by relying on my faith and knowing that he is out there and struggling just as much as I am. He is probably in pain from a recently failed relationship like I am too.
Author clewless Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 I cope by relying on my faith and knowing that he is out there and struggling just as much as I am. Thanks, Momx3 I just can't help but feel like I've wasted my life not finding that person already, as I am getting older, and less desirable, and less virile, and just can't help but wish I had found someone when I was younger to enjoy life with... I blame myself for not being more 'assertive' and able to get out there and date - maybe it's my fault, maybe it's my father's domination and manipulation, or maybe I just have 'bad luck' and am not good at finding that 'right' person as you say
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 (edited) Wow, I'd be lying if I said the story about your father and third grade teacher didn't horrify me. Unfortunately, some people should never become parents. I'm not sure how it is that you are having to care for your father but I will tell you something I learned a long time ago in therapy and that is sometimes we need to cut people out of our lives who are toxic in order to thrive, that includes family. Your father clearly doesn't have any boundaries not only as a decent human being but especially as a parent. It's scarred you and impacted your life and in many ways molded you into the man you are today good and bad. There are things we cannot control in life like changing your father but we do have control of OUR lives and what we're willing and not willing to put up with. Perhaps it's time for you to take control of YOUR life and YOUR happiness and if that means distancing yourself from your father forever or even just for a period of time so you can gain some much needed and healthy perspective, DO IT! As far as I see it your father doesn't deserve you or all that you are doing for him. I would also recommend you seek therapy of some kind. You have a lot of baggage as result of your upbringing and that isn't going to be easy to unpack without some professional help. At the very least LS is a great place to vent and seek caring and objective advice. Hugs to you. Edited August 6, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle 1
Author clewless Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 Hugs to you. Thanks, Michelle I am seeing a therapist at home, but not while I am here caring for him... sadly, no one else would do it, and he can't afford a carer, so I (being a nice person, who, as you say, needs to learn to cut bad people out of his life, but the 'nice' part of me won't let me turn my back on someone in need...) but dealing with him has brought all these issues up again now I think once, I go home again, I won't see him again for a long time, possibly even until he dies, but what really hurts me the most is the lost childhood (and adult life) of years of (as you say) dealing with his baggage - I really just feel 'past my prime' now, and wonder what's the point of living the rest of my life alone, or at least without being able to got out and 'get a date' anymore
Reels Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Thanks, Reels... I am just curious why you say 'be careful' when sharing these thoughts? Thanks Many out there wouldn't properly understand what you have said and misrepresent what you have said. That's why sometimes we have people who have never told anything to anyone. That's why I said that you will need to be careful whenever you will be sharing your happenings.
momx3 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Why do you say you're past your prime? There is no age limit for love.
Author clewless Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Many out there wouldn't properly understand what you have said and misrepresent what you have said. That's why sometimes we have people who have never told anything to anyone. That's why I said that you will need to be careful whenever you will be sharing your happenings. Thanks, Reels
Author clewless Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 Why do you say you're past your prime? There is no age limit for love. I just wish I had either grown up more normal, or been able to resolve these issues earlier, so that I might have found the love of my life at 30, and spent the rest of my life with them, rather than possibly meet them at 50 or 60... Anyway, I understand some people never meet the love of their life regardless, or do at a young age and then get divorced or something, so it's all a matter of perspective, I guess
mrnova Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Why do you say you're past your prime? There is no age limit for love. This maybe true, But there is a limit of how much crap/bs some people have taken in. Some people give up on love after been screw around all their lives. And please do not come back and say these people choose being hurt. If people would be more honest upfront then maybe there would be less sadness in the world. But then again most people are for themselves. Who care a flying f who they hurt. 1
momx3 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Yes, there is a limit to what a person can endure, but that person who has reached their limit isn't the right person in this situation. There are excused at every age for why companions are limited. Too young and wild, don't want to settle down yet, career focused, already married, etc. There are always reasons people aren't available at any age. But I've never known a specific age group where people aren't looking for love either. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I just wish I had either grown up more normal, or been able to resolve these issues earlier, so that I might have found the love of my life at 30, and spent the rest of my life with them, rather than possibly meet them at 50 or 60... Anyway, I understand some people never meet the love of their life regardless, or do at a young age and then get divorced or something, so it's all a matter of perspective, I guess I know you're not going to want to hear this but we ALL have baggage and we ALL have a running list of things we wished our parents did to make our lives better. The crosses we bear might vary in size and shape and weight but we're ALL carrying one at some point or another in our lives. That is fact. I sincerely understand your sadness and resentment regarding your lost childhood and even your "prime" years but (again) fixating on it and continuing to be a victim of your circumstances is YOUR choice and your doing and will continue to keep you stuck exactly where you are. Yes, you're father was a sh*tty parent and your life might have been very different had you had loving attentive parents but there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your own life. The rest of your story is up to YOU. How it ends is YOUR choice. Period. There comes a point when blaming others for all your misfortunes is just a cop out. As for griping about lost love opportunities later in life, that's utter bullsh*t. There are countless LS members alone who will testify that the best years and the best love affairs have come later in life, me included. So you don't have a ton of experience with dating, so what? You really need to shift your thinking away from the negative and practice being more grateful. Anything will do like being thankful for having a good job, a roof over your head, your sense of humor, blue eyes, whatever! I'm sure you have lots of things to be thankful for if you look hard enough. THAT is the answer to your problems. Or at least a start. 2
Ijustdon'tgetit Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 I know you're not going to want to hear this but we ALL have baggage and we ALL have a running list of things we wished our parents did to make our lives better. The crosses we bear might vary in size and shape and weight but we're ALL carrying one at some point or another in our lives. That is fact. I sincerely understand your sadness and resentment regarding your lost childhood and even your "prime" years but (again) fixating on it and continuing to be a victim of your circumstances is YOUR choice and your doing and will continue to keep you stuck exactly where you are. Yes, you're father was a sh*tty parent and your life might have been very different had you had loving attentive parents but there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your own life. The rest of your story is up to YOU. How it ends is YOUR choice. Period. There comes a point when blaming others for all your misfortunes is just a cop out. As for griping about lost love opportunities later in life, that's utter bullsh*t. There are countless LS members alone who will testify that the best years and the best love affairs have come later in life, me included. So you don't have a ton of experience with dating, so what? You really need to shift your thinking away from the negative and practice being more grateful. Anything will do like being thankful for having a good job, a roof over your head, your sense of humor, blue eyes, whatever! I'm sure you have lots of things to be thankful for if you look hard enough. THAT is the answer to your problems. Or at least a start. Wow, I agree with this so much. I've learned so much from my therapist who practices a mixture of cbt and some other form of therapy (can't remember the name at the moment.) When I first started, my thinking was comparable to the OP. Constant blaming and depression for my circumstances. I questioned why my life had to go the way it did and was adamant if it hadn't gone that way, I would be so much better. As a result of this negative thinking, I've been so stuck. I isolated myself for years.. My therapist has helped me see that it's no one's fault. Not mine or my parents, other than life, and all I can do is the best that I can do PRESENTLY. Every setback or mistake, I now know how to challenge the negativity and counter it with optimism and positive thoughts. Even more so than in the past, as I was always optimistic to begin with but as life started becoming more of a burden, I completely lost myself. It most definitely is your perspective and your choice how you want to handle life. I know now that if I want change, I have to work for it because sulking about my bad hand in life was just keeping me mired in my past. I second the value of gratitude. I had a health scare recently and when it was all over, I gained a ton of gratitude for the life that I have. I hear a lot of people recommend volunteering for those who are less fortunate, which could be a good start in gaining perspective. If you realize how blessed your life is, you, or at least I realized how much time I've been wasting. I've got so many opportunities that many people do not have. It's been such an eye opener for me since my recent breakup and other events that have occurred in my life. I'm so grateful for them all or else I'd still be in such a unfortinate position. 2
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