vickyj Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Me and my ex broke up 7 weeks ago after a very intense 6 month relationship (which is partly the reason he broke it off with me, because we just moved too fast and we are young) He has been very wishy washy over the past few weeks regarding whether he thinks we could work in the future or not/whether he wants to try again but as it stands at the moment it's a no. At the beginning I did all the begging and pleading but gave up a couple of weeks ago as I understand it doesn't get me anywhere and I'm not giving him time to miss me. We've had very short periods of NC in these few weeks but I've only managed a week at most. Anyway, our last conversation was 5 days ago - it was pretty deep concerning how he is unhappy with himself/can't get over his dad passing away 4 years ago/bottles up his feelings/that's why we ended etc. I tried to be caring but he was having none of it so I told him 'well you know where I am' and left it at that, and haven't heard from him since. So, 4 weeks today he goes on holiday with his friend; a holiday we booked 4 months ago to obviously go on together before all of this happened. Part of me wants to suck it up and go complete NC - this will give him his first proper chance to miss me/realise I'm really gone, and I guess deep down I am hoping if I dont' talk to him, he really thinks about things on the holiday too seems as it was supposed to be us two there together. When he arrives back from the holiday it will be 3 months post BU. The thing is, next week I know he is going to contact me as I pay him a monthly bill. When he texts me asking for my money, should I reply 'paid it' then go completely quiet on him and ignore any pointless messages I (probably wont) get until he returns off his holiday if he decides to contact me afterwards, or should I simply transfer the money and stay quiet? I do think I can do 5 more weeks of no contact as I'm keeping myself pretty busy the next month anyway but I'm not sure how I should go about it next week? (I'd just like to point out that I do know that people are going to tell me that NC is for me to heal and not a plea to get him back but I kind of think these two things coincide with eachother) Any advice would be appreciated!
PegNosePete Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Yes, you should go NC. Not for 5 weeks, but forever. What's this bill you owe him for? Better to sort financial agreements out once and for all. Having to pay some kind of monthly bill seems like you're just desperate to keep an open line of communication. It can damage your healing process. Better to end this arrangement now. 1
Author vickyj Posted August 6, 2015 Author Posted August 6, 2015 I guess I'm just scared that he will completely forget me though. Nothing bad happened in our relationship and I would be willing to be with him again but obviously that can only happen if that's what he wants. It's for my laptop, I can't pay him the rest in full as I am just a poor student haha.. I guess I could set up a direct debit so he gets it monthly automatically but I'm unsure how many more months I need to pay it (it does definitely run into 2016) and then I'd have to contact him to tell him I've set it up? I just don't know.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 What are you hoping to get from staying in contact with him?
aloneinaz Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 What are you hoping to get from staying in contact with him? Or, how has staying in contact helped you in this situation? You seem to understand the deal with how you should act after being dumped but.. your fear that he will 'forget' you is what you need to address. Keep reading these threads on this site. There's many daily threads about people staying in LC after a R/S ends and it screwing them up. The finally figure out the only way to move on is "out of sight, out of mind" and time passing. You can do it. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 6, 2015 Posted August 6, 2015 Me and my ex My ex and I.... ......Part of me wants to suck it up and go complete NC - this will give him his first proper chance to miss me/realise I'm really gone, and I guess deep down I am hoping if I dont' talk to him, he really thinks about things on the holiday too seems as it was supposed to be us two there together. Yes, I can see how young you are.... The thing is, next week I know he is going to contact me as I pay him a monthly bill. When he texts me asking for my money, should I reply 'paid it' then go completely quiet on him and ignore any pointless messages I (probably wont) get until he returns off his holiday if he decides to contact me afterwards, or should I simply transfer the money and stay quiet? What you do is to set up a standing order/direct transfer from your account to his for a finite time, until the sum is paid. Work out the final date of payment, and set up an order to finish on that date. That way, you won't need to get in touch with him at all. I do think I can do 5 more weeks of no contact as I'm keeping myself pretty busy the next month anyway but I'm not sure how I should go about it next week? You simply do not entertain any form of connection to or from him and continue that for the following 5 weeks, then continue it after his return. In other words - start now, and never end it. This isn't a mind-game, ok? (I'd just like to point out that I do know that people are going to tell me that NC is for me to heal and not a plea to get him back but I kind of think these two things coincide with eachother) You kind of think wrong. They don't. Any advice would be appreciated! The question is, will you take it and follow it?
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 It's for my laptop, I can't pay him the rest in full as I am just a poor student haha.. I guess I could set up a direct debit so he gets it monthly automatically but I'm unsure how many more months I need to pay it (it does definitely run into 2016) and then I'd have to contact him to tell him I've set it up? Yes, better to have one brief business-like conversation now, than have to break NC Every month. Ask how much you owe and how long it will be before it is paid off, then set up the standing order. Then you have no reason to contact him ever again.
Author vickyj Posted August 8, 2015 Author Posted August 8, 2015 Well as it stands now I am one week NC, I'm going to wait until next week whenever he asks me to pay and then tell him I have paid and tell him I have set up a standing order. It will be hard but then I guess if he wants to contact me at all he can, as for all I know him asking me for money monthly could be an excuse for him to hear from me on his part too. I'm not expecting him to though after that. We'll see I guess!
theredpill Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Best way to get someone's attention is to remove yours, so if you ever want to reconcile, staying out of sight is the best approach. It also allows you to focus on you, have some fun, go out with your girlfriends, arrange some dates etc. You really don't know what's out there until you try, maybe in a month or two he changes his mind but remember you're both young and when you're in your 20's, you have no idea what your life plans are in most cases. You only need to meet 1 person who ticks the buttons the ex did and you'll move on easily.
aloneinaz Posted August 8, 2015 Posted August 8, 2015 Well as it stands now I am one week NC, I'm going to wait until next week whenever he asks me to pay and then tell him I have paid and tell him I have set up a standing order. It will be hard but then I guess if he wants to contact me at all he can, as for all I know him asking me for money monthly could be an excuse for him to hear from me on his part too. I'm not expecting him to though after that. We'll see I guess! Or... shoot him a quick text that's all business, telling him you set up him being paid automatically, there's no reason for further contact and good luck. Then, go strict, NC and ignore him going forward..
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