Boyfriend's best male friend in love with him, offered sex

[blackcat777]

Urgh. Urgh! This is eating away at me so much right now I have to make a post... in the precious little time I have to myself in the evening to play the piano. I SHOULD be playing the piano! Anyway.

 

My boyfriend's best male friend is MADLY in love with my boyfriend. Everyone everywhere all the time comments that the friend is gay and how they're sure he's in love with my boyfriend.

 

The friend is my boyfriend's best childhood friend. My boyfriend even lived with best friend for a few years after his parents split. They're like brothers... at least to my boyfriend.

 

The friend is generally good-hearted, but extremely immature, off the wall, and has a cocaine problem. He has no boundaries and constantly pushes my boyfriend's limits. He's the only friend of my boyfriend that makes me worry when my boyfriend is with him.

 

I do feel bad for the friend. He's most likely struggling with his identity. His father is the stereotypical gun-toting, god-fearing, vociferously anti-homosexual American man.

 

The friend has had relationships with women--very dysfunctional and short-lasting relationships, that are STRICTLY long-distance. States-away long distance. He won't do it if there's not an epic distance involved. (More on the nature of his relationships in a moment.)

 

This friend's behaviors drive me nuts. To get my boyfriend's attention, for as long as I have known them both, the friend resorts to tactics I would generally categorize as attention-seeking, manipulative FEMALE tactics. The friend's interactions with my boyfriend are always in the feminine. He is always passive, always receiving, always appealing to my boyfriend for protection. For money. Things as a dignified woman *I* would never do. Things my (god love her) girlfriend who displays borderline personality symptoms does to get attention from men. The friend does them, too.

 

The friend cannot, will not have sex with a woman unless my boyfriend is present. Any time he has a girlfriend, he invites my boyfriend over for all of them to hang out. The friend will ignore my boyfriend once boyfriend is there, and start macking hard on the girl, like he needs my boyfriend's approval. I've been invited to hang out a few times. This has happened. I was always like WTF THIS IS WEIRD. (Not to mention bizarrely anti-social, who routinely invites friends over to ignore them?)

 

The friend helps himself to my boyfriend's money, whatever is in his wallet. He makes demands, tells my boyfriend he's taking his money, and goes ahead and digs in. The friend works, makes money. (To be fair to my boyfriend and to comment on his boundaries, he finally put a stop to this behavior.)

 

When the friend wants attention, he blows up my boyfriend's phone, a call every two minutes for half an hour straight.

 

The friend gets insanely jealous whenever the boyfriend talks on the phone to me, to the point of calling out random things and interrupting my boyfriend whenever he tries to speak.

 

The friend has stooped to CRYING when my boyfriend leaves his house to come and hang out with me, trying very hard to guilt my boyfriend into spending the night.

 

The friend calls my boyfriend constantly. He knows when the boyfriend is with me and has an awesome knack for calling nearly every night when we're having sex (boyfriend is angered by this, and either ignores or sends swift, angry texts).

 

One time, while my boyfriend was staying over, the friend blew up his phone super early in the morning and told my boyfriend to open the door to his house because the friend wanted a cup of water. He blew up the phone for nearly an hour. His reason was, "It was hot outside." (Um, GO TO 7-11 AND BUY A BOTTLE OF WATER???)

 

Anyway, the friend is sweet. We are genuinely amicable when we all hang out, but he HAS to have a monopoly on the boyfriend and is extremely jealous and needy.

 

Why have I put up with this for so long, you ask??

 

The friend moved away a year ago for an externship, 2000 miles away. PRAISE GOD. My boyfriend was, quote, "happy to wean him [off of himself]."

 

The boyfriend has been happy to have him off his back in such an immediate sense, but they still have a deep friendship and they are best friends. I see the commonalities in their friendship in one of my own oldest friendships. I get it. (Though my friends and I never hung on each other like this friend does to my boyfriend.)

 

The only time I had to really deal with boyfriend/his friend headaches was for one week, recently, over the summer, boyfriend flew down to visit his friend. (Friend expected boyfriend to pay for everything, get them a hotel, all these other crazy expenses and I told him to tell his friend to shove it... nicely ). Boyfriend couldn't get a word in edgewise almost every time he called me. Friend took lots of drugs, fell off a balcony, had police after him, and got my boyfriend into a car wreck in the span of 48 hours. The friend is simply out of control. He's high-strung, gets really wound up, and goes completely wild. Boyfriend was so pissed, he wanted to come home early.

 

Now, the friend is home for two weeks over the summer. Three days ago, he came up, and messaged me something to the effect of, "Your boyfriend has to find me a girlfriend so we can all hang out together!"

 

I joked with my boyfriend about the message (playfully) and how his friend is in love with him. (Pretty much everyone does because of friend's behavior.)

 

Three days later... they take acid.

 

Friend offers boyfriend oral sex.

 

That was last night. Boyfriend called me today to tell me right away--and his response--a big F*CK NO. He said it was weird and uncomfortable. I was running out the door to work, so could not get more details. Boyfriend is with the friend tonight, so I can't talk to him about it until we're together tomorrow night.

 

My boyfriend is totally, completely, one hundred million percent committed to me, and I'm not worried about any decisions he'd make.

 

Ironically, I thought to myself, I won't make any plans with the boyfriend, I will stand back and see how much he makes an effort to see me while the friend is around, since the friend hasn't been back in town for a year. That very night, my boyfriend drove for over an hour just to visit me quickly at work. (I'm quitting my serving job from hell soon, and he showed up because he wanted to see me before I quit my job and launch my new career. I'm in the middle of an interview process for something HUGE and him showing up to let me know he believed in me like that was really touching.)

 

So me + boyfriend are great. He's also been putting his foot down harder with the friend. After the debacle with the balcony fall, the cops, and the crash over his vacation, my boyfriend really flipped and gave it to the friend like never before.

 

Because my boyfriend is younger, I am extremely careful to let him learn his boundaries on his own. I let him know how things make me feel... but I don't ever tell him what to do. I let him figure it out (he always does), and he appreciates when I give him the space to do that.

 

So, my reaction to the news of the friend propositioning him for sex is twofold:

 

First, I was extremely RELIEVED that he finally came out with it to my boyfriend. My boyfriend has such a strong bond with him, and despite the weird behavior, I think he always wanted to believe the friend's intentions were completely platonic. He turned a blind eye, and always gave to him the way he would give to a brother.

 

Because the friend is so reckless and needs to figure himself out, I'm glad that he came onto my boyfriend this way, because I'm hoping it will make my boyfriend reevaluate some of his more insane behaviors in a different light. Where we live, any kind of criminal charges would ruin my boyfriend's career, and the friend's intoxicated recklessness is not good. My boyfriend loves to party and to party hard, but he is EXTREMELY responsible with when and how he chooses to go ape. Unlike the friend, who is someone who could bring him down with wrong-place-wrong-time carelessness.

 

Secondly... now... and which is the part I am here seeking counsel for... is that emotionally, I am pissed. I am pissed that the friend would attempt to disrespect our relationship. I'm not some faceless unknown person--I used to work with the friend, we've all had mutual hangouts many times, he has even come to me for advice in the past. I know that the friend's actions are shortsighted and all about him--I didn't even factor into his decision process--but it still makes me angry he disrespected our relationship.

 

It also upsets me that someone who is IN LOVE with my boyfriend is pushing EXTREMELY hard (and resorting to pestering and guilt tactics) to get as much time with my boyfriend as he can, specifically away from me.

 

My boyfriend is the kind of person who hates to let anyone down, and sometimes he entertains the friend if the friend gets emotional enough. My boyfriend has been grateful for my patience with it in the past.

 

SO, I have to talk to my boyfriend tomorrow. My boyfriend isn't gay. I'm not about to go Jerry Springer and fight this guy for my boyfriend. The boyfriend and I are great.

 

I'm not going to tell him to not see his friend (I don't have the right to do that anyway).

 

However, what I do want to do is express my emotions to my boyfriend. I don't feel comfortable being around the friend (and I really don't feel comfortable with my boyfriend excessively around the friend) unless my boyfriend is willing to lay down some kind of boundary and flat out say any kind of sexual advances are inappropriate.

 

That's the gist of it. I never want to prevent my boyfriend from spending time with his friends, or make him feel guilty about anything he wants to do to enjoy his freedom as a man. I want him to be happy. However, this is complicated, because his best friend is severely emotionally in love with him.

 

When he made the sexual pass, it wasn't a horny pass. It was an emotional pass. It squicked my boyfriend out because he could tell the friend wanted emotional comfort.

 

I've really kept my cool in the face of all the friend's previous antics, but this one just pushed me hard enough to at least type up a storm venting here. My guess is that eventually, the friend's reckless insanity with uncomfortable amounts of affection toward my boyfriend will cause my boyfriend to distance himself even further from the friend, at least until the friend can get his head straight. (The downside is, more heinous things will probably have to happen first.)

 

What is the most graceful way to articulate my emotions without interfering with my boyfriend's choice of friends, or discovery of his own personal boundaries? I can respect the friendship, but it needs to be JUST friendship. Sexual passes are right out.

 

Because the friend is so predictable, the situation will resolve itself without my interference. Boyfriend is slowly getting fed up. Making a sexual advance, however, crossed a line for me and I can't sit and silently wait for my boyfriend to get annoyed enough to seriously limit/revise contact with the friend.

 

WHEW. Thanks for reading that epic vent and for your thoughts.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

If your BF is 100% straight & totally into you, he's not gonna spend time with a gay guy who wants to get into his pants, instead of his hot GF. I wouldn't worry too much. I'd talk to your BF & ask him how he feels about having a heart to heart chat with his gay friend. He should want to do this anyways, as he should be feeling awkward having his friend hitting on him.

[Gloria25]

I think it's not someone's place to dictate who their friends are...

 

This is sorta like the "GUT" thread...another case of someone trying to change another person...

 

Forget his friend coming on to him...I find it odd your bf considers this druggie with drama who dotes on him a "friend". Who we consider our "friends" says a lot about our morals, character, etc...you know the o'l saying "birds of a feather flock together"?

 

I think your bf's choices in "friends" might require you to decide if your bf is the kind of man you wanna be with.

 

If your bf was really a true "friend", he would have put his foot down and demand his "friend" seek professional help. Yes, that's what "friends" do. We tell our "friends" the blunt truth - especially when we need our "friend" to seek help from self-destruction.

[blackcat777]

It's possible he had the chat with him tonight, I won't find out until tomorrow. I'm hoping he already handled it by the time I see him tomorrow. I'll post an update.

 

As for friends, I have some dear friends that I've known since early childhood. My one girl friend I've known since I was four will sometimes ignore me for a few weeks if I give her advice like, "stay NC" in regards to a toxic relationship. It doesn't mean I don't love her to death. She has a million wonderful qualities that I wish I had. Nobody is perfect. It's also hard sometimes when friends are depressed/in a weird place and you can only do so much to help them, they have to help themselves.

 

I've done my fair share of dumb things...

 

While there is some truth in the quality of people you surround yourself with, I'm not so quick to friend-dump for long-lasting ties. People are never black and white, they're often complicated messes. I do see the good in my boyfriend's friend, too.

 

He just DRIVES ME NUTS sometimes. I looked the other way for a lot of things because the friend is only in town for two weeks, twice a year. I would also never actively seek out college-aged men because much of what the friend gets up to is normal at that stage in life.

 

I would have invited the friend to yoga with my boyfriend and me. We were going to grab coffees with some other mutual friends where we all used to work. We are otherwise cool.

 

I may be fine once I know my boyfriend understands how I feel. That's usually what I want... just to feel understood. My boyfriend is amazing with listening and understanding.

 

I'm not worried they're going to screw around one night. I'm more frustrated with the friend's reckless lack of boundaries, and making a pass at my boyfriend is kind of stepping on my tail. I usually just breathe through fleeting nonsense, but I'm having a really hard time just breathing through this one.

 

Edit: While I'm venting, I thought I'd tell another quick story.

 

The Friend met up with my boyfriend and me at a music festival and joined our camp site. Okay, cool, no problem. The initial deal was that he bring his own tent and sleep on his own. We were hanging out inside our tent (a two-person tent) after dancing, and then, finally, it was time for bed. The friend wouldn't leave. He was totally cockblocking. I finally told my boyfriend the friend was welcome to chill with us day and night, but we were sleeping alone in the tent.

 

Boyfriend told friend it was bedtime. Friend finally left the tent... took his sleeping bag, and parked himself RIGHT OUTSIDE the door to our tent. He slept the entire night on the ground beside the door to our tent.

 

Seriously. Now I laugh while I type this. But SERIOUSLY!!

Edited August 6, 2015 by blackcat777