Boyfriend left me to go travelling - Found out i'm pregnant day he left.

[OhMyGoodness]

My boyfriend left me to go travelling. We initially planned the dream together, but after moving in to his family home to save cash for the trip, our relationship deteriorated under the pressure of his family being too closely involved. We had a great relationship prior to the move and after we broke up and I moved out we had the headspace to see clearly that the issue wasn't "us" and got back together after 3 weeks.

 

The issue lay in that he still wanted to go travelling and I was unsure that we had enough stable history to be solid enough to survive and enjoy it together. The timeline of getting back together and the date of travel was 1 month. He was adamant that we should go together even saying that he would financially support me to make it work (I spent all my travelling savings on a new apartment after the breakup). We spent a month of bliss together, things couldn't be more perfect - our lives were back to normal. However, a week before he was due to leave his demeanour changed and his want for me to accompany him faded.

 

Although he didn't categorically say that he no longer wanted me to go, he would say that if i were to go it was my decision and not for him. That he wanted to feel independent and free as he has spent his adult life pleasing other people and doing what he felt his family felt was required of him. He then began saying things like there was the possibility that he would disappear for months at a time to take part in particular pursuits that would involve him working away and that I would be alone in another country for extended periods of time and would i cope.

 

I persistently asked him to be completely open with me, that if he wanted to be alone to be honest in spite of it hurting me and that he had to follow his own dream. He would insist that of course he did, but he just needed to know that it was MY decision and not because I was following him. He would crumble when he thought that I wouldn't join him.

 

Fast forward the date of him leaving the country (the plan was for me to join him 1 month later owing to work commitments) I travelled with him to the airport to say goodbye and asked him if he truly meant that he wanted me to accompany him on this amazing adventure as I would be giving up my job etc. He hit me with the bombshell that he wanted to be free , and live like a hobo and have no-one to depend on him. That it was too much pressure, he needed space to grow , didn't know who he was as he had never fended for himself alone. I obviously sensed it coming but was devastated to hear this at the airport 1 hour before he was scheduled to leave.

 

I told him that I wouldn't go, and after hearing that he changed his mind again and said that he wanted me. We left it on the terms that he would call me when he land to go over arrangements. He has now landed, but I haven't heard from him... not to my surprise.

 

Here is the issue - I took a pregnancy test after he left as my period was late. This isn't uncommon for me, but something just felt different this month. Lone behold it was positive... I AM PREGNANT!

 

He has categorically told me he never wants children, but on pressing he said he may consider it one day. He has no plans to ever return from travelling (although i think he is living in a fantasy on this point - I know him well and he would be unable to stay away from his family forever). What is the most f*cked up is that HE instigated a conversation 2 weeks ago whilst we were a little drunk , and said "imagine you fell pregnant right now before I left, that would be an absolute disaster, i'd feel like the world was ending".

 

I am obviously in shock - My boyfriend has left indefinitely, and I am pregnant.

 

I am surprised that I have an unknown maternal instinct which has kicked in and is making me want to keep this baby. I'm 30, I have a condition which means the chance of ever falling pregnant was highly unlikely. I feel a bond with this little thing inside of me already!

 

Here in lies the rub!... He has just landed on the other side of the world to commence his epic adventure. He doesn't want children. He quit his job here. He will definitely think that I am using this to trap him, but this is not the case at all! I'm currently debating whether I will ever tell him at all.. but I don't know how I feel from a moral perspective on that!

 

I know his whole world will fall apart, I don't want to do that to him. He will initially be furious, then heartbroken, and devastated. (as I would be if the shoe were on the other foot) He is caring and loving and kind. He has a large very close family who would most likely frown upon him if he didn't step up to the mark. This means he may come back, but will resent me for the rest of his life!

 

I am prepared to do this alone. I'm not sure we would able to be together after this as it is completely against everything he wants out of life right now. I empathise with that.

 

My friends tell me I need to consider myself and only myself in this situation but I am so sad that i will be disrupting his life and plans. Should i think about him and HIS wants in spite of wanting this baby. Should I keep it a secret and not tell him? Should I allow him to enjoy 6 months and tell him at a later date? Am I thinking too deeply about his reaction? I'm so confused and worried - I don't know which way to turn.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

PS - It's very difficult to condense everything into a note. These are the highlights and I am aware this may portray him as a selfish and unreliable person. He generally is one of the greatest men I have ever met. Unfortunately I need to focus on the negative issues to provide you with the main story!

Edited August 6, 2015 by OhMyGoodness
Additional info

[sandylee1]

If you want the baby and would have problems with conception in the future , then as long as you can support yourself and the baby, go ahead and have it. Otherwise you will regret a termination if you can't have a child in the future.

 

Tell him about it and your decision. He was one of two people present and he'll have to cough up . Tough if he sees this as ruining his life. It's your body .

[OhMyGoodness]

Thanks for the reply SandyLee.

 

I agree with you mostly. It's just so hard to think clearly when emotions are involved. I would be destroying another persons life on top of creating one. It's a lot of responsibility. It's such early days, and i worry that with time the enormity of that will bring me to my knees! Talk about bad timing!

[aloneinaz]

Thanks for the reply SandyLee.

 

I agree with you mostly. It's just so hard to think clearly when emotions are involved. I would be destroying another persons life on top of creating one. It's a lot of responsibility. It's such early days, and i worry that with time the enormity of that will bring me to my knees! Talk about bad timing!

 

My thoughts are it's your body and your decision to make about keeping the child or not. I also think you're "catastrophizing" his potential reaction to the news, which is to be expected. This news will not "ruin his life". Will it shock him, absolutely. If he didn't want children, he should of done more to insure you didn't get pregnant. I know guys who don't want kids and wear condoms cause they don't trust their GF.

 

 

Either way, you don't need to make a knee jerk decision right now. He just landed and you just found out. You have plenty of time to think this whole situation through clearly. He will understand that if you chose to keep the child, that he'll have at a minimum, financial obligations in helping support the child. Hopefully, if he's not interested in reconciling with you, he'll be a part of the child's life as well.

 

 

I wish you luck with whatever course you take. Try and stay calm and not get too stressed out.