Girlfriend of 4 years breaks up with me

[Patrickstar]

I just wanted to post my story and hopefully get some advice about my specific situation. My girlfriend and I had been dating for almost 4 years. Throughout the entire relationship, I was pretty protective: I didn't like her to hangout with other guys, period. I guess this was because I always felt as though she was "out of my league." There were other problems too (she frequently took elaborate trips with her family for 7-14 days at a time and I would get upset, asking her if all these trips were really necessary) but the main issue was that I was always pretty controlling and restrictive. Granted, I know this was wrong. Even though we had these problems, we still loved each other very much. We talked about our future and were convinced we were "the one" for each other.

 

We started dating at a pretty young age (14 and 15.) We both had pretty rough childhoods with divorce and death, and we never took one another for granted. The main problem I had with her was she was very immature; she often couldn't make hard decisions on her own or in a timely manner. She would frequently tell me to help her make life choices and other things. Other than this, she was the perfect woman.

 

 

Well, about a month ago we got in a small argument that escalated very quickly. She told me she wanted to break up with me (she had thought about doing it two other times but changed her mind) except this time she was for real. I didn't make ALL of the deadly instinct mistakes. Of course the day she broke up with me I tried to change her mind, but I eventually knew it was useless and gave up. I told her that I still loved her and left. This meeting lasted make an hour. After this, the first 3 weeks of the breakup I never contacted her first; however, if she texted me, I texted her back. It's been about a month since the breakup. She's about to start college at the same university I go to. I asked her a few days ago if she still loved me, and she said she "didn't know, and her feelings for me were complicated." She also went on to say that right now she "wanted something different, and she thought it was weird that I was saying 'all the right things' right now." (She called me asking how a job interview went and we began talking about our relationship. I acknowledged all of my mistakes and told her there was no way for her to believe it would be different, but I thought our relationship deserved a second chance. When she said she still "didn't know" I hung up out of frustration.

 

Yesterday, I told her we should just move on, since our relationship is pretty much in stasis, and it's clear she doesn't want to get back together at the present time. We were each other's first for everything. First significant other, first kiss, first everything. Recently she went on a cruise and kissed a guy she had met on the cruise, something EXTREMELY out of the ordinary for her. She told me she didn't really have feelings for him and she isn't trying to pursue a relationship at the present time. She said she still wants something different and wants to be independent at college. She wants to discover herself and wants to be her own person.

 

I obviously care about her very much or I wouldn't be here. I know my actions were childish at times, but compared to other relationships, ours was always pretty solid. We told each other everything and never cheated on one another. I know men do not "own" their women and I know my over protection probably slowly drove her away. I love her very much and would be grateful for another chance. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Patrickstar]

I am open to any and all advice before I do something I regret...

[ExpatInItaly]

I just wanted to post my story and hopefully get some advice about my specific situation. My girlfriend and I had been dating for almost 4 years. Throughout the entire relationship, I was pretty protective: I didn't like her to hangout with other guys, period. I guess this was because I always felt as though she was "out of my league." There were other problems too (she frequently took elaborate trips with her family for 7-14 days at a time and I would get upset, asking her if all these trips were really necessary) but the main issue was that I was always pretty controlling and restrictive. Granted, I know this was wrong. Even though we had these problems, we still loved each other very much. We talked about our future and were convinced we were "the one" for each other.

 

We started dating at a pretty young age (14 and 15.) We both had pretty rough childhoods with divorce and death, and we never took one another for granted. The main problem I had with her was she was very immature; she often couldn't make hard decisions on her own or in a timely manner. She would frequently tell me to help her make life choices and other things. Other than this, she was the perfect woman.

 

 

Well, about a month ago we got in a small argument that escalated very quickly. She told me she wanted to break up with me (she had thought about doing it two other times but changed her mind) except this time she was for real. I didn't make ALL of the deadly instinct mistakes. Of course the day she broke up with me I tried to change her mind, but I eventually knew it was useless and gave up. I told her that I still loved her and left. This meeting lasted make an hour. After this, the first 3 weeks of the breakup I never contacted her first; however, if she texted me, I texted her back. It's been about a month since the breakup. She's about to start college at the same university I go to. I asked her a few days ago if she still loved me, and she said she "didn't know, and her feelings for me were complicated." She also went on to say that right now she "wanted something different, and she thought it was weird that I was saying 'all the right things' right now." (She called me asking how a job interview went and we began talking about our relationship. I acknowledged all of my mistakes and told her there was no way for her to believe it would be different, but I thought our relationship deserved a second chance. When she said she still "didn't know" I hung up out of frustration.

 

Yesterday, I told her we should just move on, since our relationship is pretty much in stasis, and it's clear she doesn't want to get back together at the present time. We were each other's first for everything. First significant other, first kiss, first everything. Recently she went on a cruise and kissed a guy she had met on the cruise, something EXTREMELY out of the ordinary for her. She told me she didn't really have feelings for him and she isn't trying to pursue a relationship at the present time. She said she still wants something different and wants to be independent at college. She wants to discover herself and wants to be her own person.

 

I obviously care about her very much or I wouldn't be here. I know my actions were childish at times, but compared to other relationships, ours was always pretty solid. We told each other everything and never cheated on one another. I know men do not "own" their women and I know my over protection probably slowly drove her away. I love her very much and would be grateful for another chance. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

You've got one thing right: you are way too controlling. She took family trips and this made you upset? You understand she wasn't even an adult yet, correct? I don't know why this bothered you. What was she supposed to do, say no to her family because her boyfriend got all butthurt when she spent time with them? Come on, now. Why was this such a problem for you?

 

You don't seem to get that you were essentially dating an adolescent/very young adult for a large part of the relationship. That is not meant to insult either one of you, but it's a biological fact. If I understand correctly, you are both now still teenagers. Of course she's going to have trouble making big decisions by herself. You're both still learning about the world and she's about to go off on her own. This is quite normal.

 

I think the break-up is in large part due to age. All of those firsts you shared together are wonderful memories, but the reality is that those rarely lead to permanent relationships. People grow and change and want to explore. She has more or less told you this. Your controlling nature is also bound to have contributed to this. I have dated a man like that, and let me tell you, it's no way to live. It's not "over-protection" - it's control and it's an emotional drain. If she is anything like me, resentment has been building in her for a while and she's had it. It was enough for me to lose feelings for the man I was dating; I have since moved on and am now dating a great man who is secure with himself and doesn't feel the need to restrict or check up on me. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm telling you this so that you can do some self-reflection and make some changes too, or you will destroy future relationships with this.

 

Did this kiss with the other guy happen before or after you broke up?

[Patrickstar]

I'm going to ignore your lecture and condescending tone. I already admitted to my faults and you chose to continue to attack me for them.

 

As for our age, we are 20 and 19, respectively. The kiss happened 10 days after we broke up. And for everything else, I'm just going to give her space. But I certainly don't need you insulting me after I was more than willing to say I was wrong, but by that same token, there's no way you can possibly understand how serious our relationship was. We dated all throughout HS and were very much viewed as HS sweethearts.

[Chi townD]

Problem is, what we want at 14 add 15 is very different from what we want in our 20's. Here's the thing and she's made it pretty clear. She wants something different. Therefore, she's trying to tell you, SHE DOESN"T WANT YOU!

 

 

Okay, she even took it a step further and told you that she kissed another guy on a cruise. You want a kick to the nuts? She did more than kiss this guy. She probably only told you the bare minimum because she knew that even the bare minimum would hurt you and maybe you'd buy a clue to leave her alone and abandon all thoughts of getting back with her romantically.

 

 

Dude, you need to start NC on her. NO CONTACT! Avoid her and heal from this. You need to work on yourself and your controlling behavior. Ignore her texts and let all phonecalls go to voicemail. You need to block her from all of your social media including facebook. She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it.

 

 

 

Time to heal and move on. Sorry dude.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going to ignore your lecture and condescending tone. I already admitted to my faults and you chose to continue to attack me for them.

 

As for our age, we are 20 and 19, respectively. The kiss happened 10 days after we broke up. And for everything else, I'm just going to give her space. But I certainly don't need you insulting me after I was more than willing to say I was wrong, but by that same token, there's no way you can possibly understand how serious our relationship was. We dated all throughout HS and were very much viewed as HS sweethearts.

 

That's fine. You can ignore it. It's not me you need to be concerned about. There are no insults or attacks; I took information from your own words. I'm not going to candy-coat it for you, sorry.

 

The bottom line is still the same. She doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. Dating all through HS is great, but unfortunately not relevant - your ex clearly doesn't share your feelings any longer. She is free to kiss who she wants, which is why you need to keep up NC. Staying in touch is going to make this much harder on you, because you will probably only hear more of this. Don't make it worse for yourself.

[Chi townD]

I'm going to ignore your lecture and condescending tone. I already admitted to my faults and you chose to continue to attack me for them.

 

As for our age, we are 20 and 19, respectively. The kiss happened 10 days after we broke up. And for everything else, I'm just going to give her space. But I certainly don't need you insulting me after I was more than willing to say I was wrong, but by that same token, there's no way you can possibly understand how serious our relationship was. We dated all throughout HS and were very much viewed as HS sweethearts.

 

 

Oh and don't jump all over Expat. You said you were open to all advice and she gave you a lot to think about. You even admitted it yourself that you had controlling issues! She was only confirming to what you already admitted! If you don't get a handle on it, it's going to bite you in the ass in future relationships!

 

 

And I'm going to take it a step further! Is it possible that coming up in a divorced family and having to deal with deaths in the family may have cause some abandonment issues that might explain some of these controlling behaviors?

 

 

Something to think about.

[aloneinaz]

I'm going to ignore your lecture and condescending tone. I already admitted to my faults and you chose to continue to attack me for them.

 

As for our age, we are 20 and 19, respectively. The kiss happened 10 days after we broke up. And for everything else, I'm just going to give her space. But I certainly don't need you insulting me after I was more than willing to say I was wrong, but by that same token, there's no way you can possibly understand how serious our relationship was. We dated all throughout HS and were very much viewed as HS sweethearts.

 

Wow, sensitive much? Um.. you did come here asking for thoughts and advice. I guess we missed your point in presenting it to you with kit gloves?

 

 

As the others have stated, you're both kids. Your HS relationship ran it's course and she wants to explore other opportunities and experiences. YOU should be wanting the same. You're both young and in college. Go tear it up and sow some oats. Damn, what I wouldn't do to be that age again knowing everything I know now! I'd be the BIGGEST male whore on campus. lol

 

 

I'm not trying to be patronizing to you but.. not only did you come across as VERY controlling, you also came across to her as needy and clingy. Those three traits are almost ALWAYS deal breakers for the person receiving it. The good new? You have lots of experiences and opportunities to learn from this HS relationship. Address the issues and enjoy your youth.

[Fleur de cactus]

I'm going to ignore your lecture and condescending tone. I already admitted to my faults and you chose to continue to attack me for them.

 

As for our age, we are 20 and 19, respectively. The kiss happened 10 days after we broke up. And for everything else, I'm just going to give her space. But I certainly don't need you insulting me after I was more than willing to say I was wrong, but by that same token, there's no way you can possibly understand how serious our relationship was. We dated all throughout HS and were very much viewed as HS sweethearts.

 

 

You are wrong to ignore this comment because, if you come here, don't expect people to tell you that you are who you are not. Also, the comment you want to ignore is intended to help you to learn by your mistakes , to have more maturity in relationships and avoid the same mistakes in the future dating and relationships. So again your reaction is immature and you need to grow up.

[Qboro90]

I'm gonna be honest and up front because that's what you need to hear and in no way am I trying to be rude or insulting towards you so keep that in mind. This is a forum where no one actually knows you so there is no reason for anyone not to like/dislike you or judge you in anyway so take the advice and criticism hand in hand as it's about as unbiased as you could possibly get.

 

You are downplaying your behavior by calling it "protective". You know just as well as we do that you were a very controlling boyfriend. The fact that she was 14 at the time when you started has probably instilled in her so pretty misguided and unhealthy views on how a relationship should be and what a BF should act like. Just like she was your first, you were hers so neither of you have ever experienced anyone else which is how humans grow and progress as we age and mature. You need time apart more than anything. You have a warped idea of what a girlfriend should be, how she should act, who she can and can not hang out with.

 

Not "allowing" her to hang out with any other guys is about as childish and insecure as it gets. Obviously no guy wants his Gf to be hanging out with guys who hit on her or like her. However, any real man would have the confidence in himself and the way he treats his girl to know that 1. She wouldn't betray his trust or disrespect him in any way that embarrasses or hurts him 2. If she does talk / entertain other guys than no amount of "protectiveness" or controlling behavior is going to stop her from cheating on you or liking someone else.

 

That's something that controlling/abusive men never understand. You're never going to prevent a girl you're with from doing something. You're just going to become a prison warden who has rules and behavior policies and that's absurd and no one wants to date a guy like that.

 

You've probably had some family issues in your history where you've witnessed this behavior first hand so you think it's how people in relationships act. It is not.

 

Your gf should be able to go out with a group of friends (guys/girls) without you while you go out with yours and neither one of you worries in the slightest about the others behavior. You need to experience college and mature yourself before you're able to date anyone seriously. The traits and habits you formed in your first relationship need to be broken or else they will just grow into more serious problems and issues for you later in life.

 

Be man enough to see that your behavior was extreme and excessive and she and you need to be apart without contact for a while.

[preraph]

You have problems you need to deal with. No woman wants to be restricted from her friends and family just because you have insecurity problems that aren't reasonable.

[BriNyc82]

Agreed. Don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to.

 

I'm 32, and i am STILL trying to figure out what I want and who I am. I look back to when I was 18 and I don't think I had any clue who I really was. But I still remember my first love from high school. First loves always have a special place in your heart. She wants to figure herself out and you need to let her go do that.

 

Learn from your mistakes. Take the constructive criticism.

[bubbaganoosh]

OK you admitted to being controlling and because of that and other reasons, the relationship is over.

 

You know the mistakes you made and I wont beat you over the head by reminding you of them so the answer is learn from your mistakes, move on and find another girl.

 

Breakups happen for a reason. You might not like what the reason was but you have to get over it and move on.

 

Been on this earth for 67 years and I gotta tell you that I've been dumped so many times they could use me for a land fill so I know what I'm talking about. Move on and find your happiness someplace else.

[gwenn]

Hey I'm glad that we're in the same boat.. it hurts so much I know. Knowing that one person who was so in love with you and you were so in love with suddenly want to let everything go. I've been with my ex bf for about 4 years too. We're both 19 now. And our problems started when we started college. He told me that we shouldn't prioritize our relationship anymore. At first I didn't realise he was right. but it was so hard for me because.. we were really in love back then and was taking our relationship seriously. We're also each other's first everything.. and I actually thought that we could last. But eventually after he told me that he want to prioritize himself more now, I didn't do the same and end up turning into a clingy, too dependent gf. I wasn't able to even focus on my studies seeing him changing so much..I miss the old him.. the old us.. I'm trying my best to fix our relationship while he doesn't want to. Then one day he just told me thatbwe should let go.. I cried my heart out that night. I kept thinking that, if I prioritize myself too maybe we won't end up like this. And that's our problem, both me and you. We should realise that we are in a different stage of our lives now, we need positive changes from both sides if we want things to work out. That both our partner had realised first before we really did. But when I thought we broke up because it's for our best, that its because we both need to grow up for ourselves .. That's when I saw he started talking back with his ex crush.. I was so broken and devastated.. After all we've been through.. why am I the only one trying so hard? All of that they just wanna grow up and find themselves are just excuses? Like if she really find herself, why did she kissed other guy? We should let go, and finally live for ourselves. It's not like we want to give everything up, but just take this time to love yourself more, grow up mentally. I mean we've done our part, we've tried, they didn't really. I truly believe that there isn't really a right time to be in love, it's just a matter of if we're doing it right. I feel this separation is needed for both of us, so that we can mature our thinking and learn how to love the right way . Also let them realise what they've lost . If they still treasure us, they'll come back and our relationship would become stronger and healthier than before. If not then let's move on and be the best version of ourselves. For their case, sometimes after really experiencing through something that we'll learn how to appreaciate something. If we're meant to be we'll end up together in the end even after dating other people. Just don't lose yourself trying to love someone, you deserve to be happy.