ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 It's pretty obvious really. When they do that, they are met with a torrent of abuse. So they stop doing it. If you got hit on the head whenever you pressed the "h" button on your keyboard, you'd pretty soon learn to type without using "h". Google Pavlov's dog Well that's like asking people you and being rejected each time, eventually you stop asking.
PegNosePete Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Well that's like asking people you and being rejected each time, eventually you stop asking. Well maybe some people give up, yeah. But it's definitely not the same. The direct consequence of not asking for dates any more, is that you get no dates. A bad thing. The direct consequence of not responding to messages you're not interested in, is less abuse in your inbox. A good thing. 3
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Well maybe some people give up, yeah. But it's definitely not the same. The direct consequence of not asking for dates any more, is that you get no dates. A bad thing. The direct consequence of not responding to messages you're not interested in, is less abuse in your inbox. A good thing. Well I think its plain bad manners not to answer a question when asked. One could debate if one is asking and not getting it amounts to the same as not asking to begin with....
Toodaloo Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Let me tell you about the birds and the bees son...... yes, the silent treatment is normal when they are not attracted to you....... it's intuitive....... they don't want to to say "no" to your face because they don't know that well, don't know what your attitude is or how you'll take it..... you might try to rip their head off. Just let your intuition be your guide... recognize that they are not that into. It's not a problem.......there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you only need one. I do sometimes do it. Normally because I think the guy is going to go batsh8t crazy on me and blow up my phone... Yes this happens more often than you think with grown adult men as well not just teenagers... Sorry but if a girl has not said yes within 24-48 hours she is not all that into you. Move on. 3
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I do sometimes do it. Normally because I think the guy is going to go batsh8t crazy on me and blow up my phone... Yes this happens more often than you think with grown adult men as well not just teenagers... Sorry but if a girl has not said yes within 24-48 hours she is not all that into you. Move on. Nice to know there is 24/48 hour "impress the hell out of her period"
DJOkawari Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) I find this particularly sad because I would actually want to be friends with these girls if they weren't interested in romance but getting no response ruins that chance both online and in person. If the actual reason is that some guys blow up on them or they think I'm a nutter then I'm quite sad about the world we live in, but I guess they're justified in trying to stay safe. I sort of doubt that is the main reason because when I see these girls again in person, they walk up to and act completely friendly, make smalltalk, make jokes, pretend to plan future events with me, etc. They're actually extra friendly. Why? They feel guilty for their cowardice. I entertain the conversation so that they can be alleviated of their guilt and I never hear from them again. If they were actually concerned about me being a psycho they'd just stay away...or at least that's my strategy with psychos. I think a large portion (especially if you were getting good vibes from these girls in person) is that many guys just flat out ask the girl for a date online. Okay, if she really liked you that would work (but based on the scenario, how could she?). So just start up a conversation and let it grow into something. Then ask her. It's much easier to go silent on "that guy" you met at "that party" last week rather than someone whom you connected with just now. Could it still happen? Yeah. But at that point, if she suddenly goes silent, just remember that she is being a coward who simply doesn't want to give out bad news (a characteristic I find common in humans in general). Edited August 7, 2015 by DJOkawari 1
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I would actually want to be friends with these girls if they weren't interested in romance but getting no response ruins that chance both online and in person. I have tried this "you not interested in me, can we be friends" thing quite a few times, it never works. However, seeing as they come up to you and are friendly (I never had this luck), I would simply as them if they want to perhaps do a friend like activity with a few different friends. Then you will know if they fundamentally loath you or they are simply being indifferent. Again my experience, they will tell you that you are nice but then act completely differently.
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 IME when I was single...most women don't start out like that but the guys who have trouble with rejection act out in anger or other forms towards them they now just ignore or go silent, so you can thank all the assclowns who treat women like shiot for the silence women give while doing OLD. I have seen some of the emails men have sent them all for saying "we aren't a match" "good luck with your search", a common one was a reply that used the word bitch in it.. So women just go silent and that means "No"... 4
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 IME when I was single...most women don't start out like that but the guys who have trouble with rejection act out in anger or other forms towards them they now just ignore or go silent, so you can thank all the assclowns who treat women like shiot for the silence women give while doing OLD. I have seen some of the emails men have sent them all for saying "we aren't a match" "good luck with your search", a common one was a reply that used the word bitch in it.. So women just go silent and that means "No"... I will speak up as a guy who only ever gets rejected. If we have a great date and then someone says "oh we are not a match" then yes I would like to know why and I would expect the person to tell my why, if you say we aren't a match then at least have the honesty and decency to tell me why. I can then accept it and move on to the next rejection.
Toodaloo Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Nice to know there is 24/48 hour "impress the hell out of her period" Its not about "impressing the hell" out of her though. You should feel comfortable with what you are bringing to the table in a relationship and if she doesn't want that why should that be YOUR problem? If you have asked her out and she has not responded within 24/ 48 hours then its safe to say its a no. You can move on fast and find someone else who IS interested rather than waste your time trying to wooo a woman who doesn't want you. If I am asked and the guy isn't going to go bat shiot crazy on me I will tell him. More than happy to have a frank and open discussion about it. The same as I would like to know. But I am not going to worry if someone isn't going to tell me or feels uncomfortable telling me, and I am not going to stress just because a few blokes don't fancy me...
Toodaloo Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I will speak up as a guy who only ever gets rejected. If we have a great date and then someone says "oh we are not a match" then yes I would like to know why and I would expect the person to tell my why, if you say we aren't a match then at least have the honesty and decency to tell me why. I can then accept it and move on to the next rejection. Turning someone you like but don't feel a romantic connection with is difficult enough with out dissecting every tiny thing. Its not pleasant to have to tell someone that you can't live with some stupid little quirk that they make have that you know full well someone else will find adorable. Its really negative and many people don't want to say negative things...
kendahke Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) Don't agree, nobody is asking for justification, though I am of the opinion a reason why would be nice. People need to stop being so politically correct, what is so hard about telling it how it is in a polite way? my signature line has the example of why ghosting is preferred. Because plenty of men can't handle being told how it is in a polite way. They're spoiled little brats who tantrum when they can't have what they want when they want. Women do have the right to self determination and if she determines a particular guy isn't who she wants, that's not his license to engage in verbal abuse and character assassination. Guys who do this prove to the women that their gut instinct was right about him. Edited August 7, 2015 by kendahke 3
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I will speak up as a guy who only ever gets rejected. If we have a great date and then someone says "oh we are not a match" then yes I would like to know why and I would expect the person to tell my why, if you say we aren't a match then at least have the honesty and decency to tell me why. I can then accept it and move on to the next rejection. Now how would you like the honesty? with some sugar coating? or bluntness? Hey I'm all for being blunt if anyone asks.....not going to lie, I have np telling people the hard truth lol.
Toodaloo Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 my signature line has the example of why ghosting is preferred. Because plenty of men can't handle being told how it is in a polite way. They're spoiled little brats who tantrum when they can't have what they want when they want. Women do have the right to self determination and if she determines a particular guy isn't who she wants, that's not his license to engage in verbal abuse and character assassination. Guys who do this prove to the women that their gut instinct was right about him. I have just read your link and con confirm that it is how many men respond. I have had all of that and worse. Much of the time they are professional adults (apparently)... You think that you are "safe" then wham you get it full on in the face. So sad. So very sad. Truth is I don't want to date men who erupt with anger. So all it does is confirm to me that I am better off with out... 2
Vintage79 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 After you tell enough people no - you realize pretty quickly that it's not worth the headache with the unpleasant follow-up. They frequently ask for explanations, complain, get defensive and pissy - at least that's my experience in turning down ladies -I'm guessing it's the same story for ladies turning down guys... 4
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Ya sometimes it's a self entitlement because they bought you dinner that you owe them. I have even heard "I took her to this nice place, dinner and drinks, and she waiting til the end of the date to say she doesn't think we have a connection" "She used me that whore!" 2
autumnnight Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 I will speak up as a guy who only ever gets rejected. If we have a great date and then someone says "oh we are not a match" then yes I would like to know why and I would expect the person to tell my why, if you say we aren't a match then at least have the honesty and decency to tell me why. I can then accept it and move on to the next rejection. Actually, though it would be very nice of her, she does not, in fact, owe you a reason. And if you choose not to move on anyway, that doesn't make you principled...it makes you a stalker. Rejection for no discernible reason has been happening as long as there have been males and females. Even back in the pre-interwebz olden days when I dated, I got rejected without a word or reason. That is called life, and healthy people don't gt hung up and bitter about it. They just keep swimming. 2
Author JC4 Posted August 7, 2015 Author Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) My god. On behalf of all men, I apologize. I also think a response is polite but avoiding backlash definitely outweighs that. This makes total sense now. I had no idea this was so widespread. Edited August 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed URLS
autumnnight Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 My god. On behalf of all men, I apologize. I also think a response is polite but avoiding backlash definitely outweighs that. This makes total sense now. I had no idea this was so widespread. Also I just spent some time browsing through /r/creepyPMs... Although it did make me feel at least a little better to see one crazy woman among all the crazy men. JC, you strike me as the kind of guy who, if a woman said no, would say "OK than, have a nice day." Sadly, some men obsess, expect unrealities, and use this guise of "social grace expectations" as an excuse to rant at women. It is a shame that guys like you who aren't entitled have to suffer for those guys' bad attitudes. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 After you tell enough people no - you realize pretty quickly that it's not worth the headache with the unpleasant follow-up. They frequently ask for explanations, complain, get defensive and pissy - at least that's my experience in turning down ladies -I'm guessing it's the same story for ladies turning down guys... Pretty much...
kendahke Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 (edited) I have tried this "you not interested in me, can we be friends" thing quite a few times, it never works. . that's because it's disingenuous. She knows you dont' want to be her friend--she knows you want to be her man. You approached her to be her man. And once you've got a foot in the door, you're going to try because you didn't approach her to be in her friendzone in the first place. So she sees you purposely demoting yourself in order to change her mind (read: manipulate), but when she reiterates that you're in the friendzone because that's the discount bin you jumped into on purpose in order to machine your outcome, chances are, you're going to blow a gasket, so she'd rather save herself the trouble and drama and just set you adrift. Edited August 7, 2015 by kendahke 1
kendahke Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Well I think its plain bad manners not to answer a question when asked. Then it's bad manners. Oh well. You'll just have to move on from them and their bad manners. You cannot make them respond in a manner in which you deem acceptable to you. How they're doing it is acceptable to them because of past experience and to them, that is all that matters to them. Self preservation is the strongest human impulse. No woman is going to purposely put herself in danger just because some guy thinks he's owed something he's not. But here's the thing: it's even worse manners to melt down and spew vitriol over not getting your way. You assume you're owed an answer from a stranger. You're not. There's a guy on the dating site I'm on that I've sent two lovely messages to, about 5 months ago and 2 months ago. He's read them both and has yet to respond to me. Guess what? I didn't blow up his inbox with vitriol nor am I tantrumming saying that I'm owed an answer. I'm not. He's grown and he doesn't have to give me an answer. His answer is radio silence. Another guy, a while back, deleted my message without reading it. Again, I didn't blow up his inbox screaming at him. I just say "his loss" and move on. One could debate if one is asking and not getting it amounts to the same as not asking to begin with.... No they aren't. Not asking is not expending energy or risking your feelings. Asking and not getting what you're after is expending energy and risking your feelings. 2
autumnnight Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 But here's the thing: it's even worse manners to melt down and spew vitriol over not getting your way. You assume you're owed an answer from a stranger. You're not. Pretty much...plus is makes the person look like a whiny baby 1
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 You can move on fast and find someone else who IS interested rather than waste your time trying to wooo a woman who doesn't want you. Granted, good point but I'd still like to think if I have been a nice guy, up front honest, not pushy, then a simple "Hi sorry I am not interested' would be enough, instead of me having to figure things out. I have a fundamental problem with people who simply say nothing. Frankly speaking I'd prefer someone has the courage to be blunt with me because if one feels bad about saying something to someone else, chances are one isn't being sincere to begin with. Think about that one carefully. As for wooing, maybe that's where I go wrong I feel the need to chase and woo, probably because I have no clue how to date, how to flirt or how to charm!
ZA Dater Posted August 7, 2015 Posted August 7, 2015 Then it's bad manners. Oh well. You'll just have to move on from them and their bad manners. You cannot make them respond in a manner in which you deem acceptable to you. How they're doing it is acceptable to them because of past experience and to them, that is all that matters to them. Self preservation is the strongest human impulse. No woman is going to purposely put herself in danger just because some guy thinks he's owed something he's not. But here's the thing: it's even worse manners to melt down and spew vitriol over not getting your way. You assume you're owed an answer from a stranger. You're not. There's a guy on the dating site I'm on that I've sent two lovely messages to, about 5 months ago and 2 months ago. He's read them both and has yet to respond to me. Guess what? I didn't blow up his inbox with vitriol nor am I tantrumming saying that I'm owed an answer. I'm not. He's grown and he doesn't have to give me an answer. His answer is radio silence. Another guy, a while back, deleted my message without reading it. Again, I didn't blow up his inbox screaming at him. I just say "his loss" and move on. No they aren't. Not asking is not expending energy or risking your feelings. Asking and not getting what you're after is expending energy and risking your feelings. Interesting post, one I read more than once and had a good think about. In relation to the above I guess ones reaction rather depends on the extent of ones dating choices, someone with many options is going to react differently to someone with virtually no options at all. Risk, interesting choice of words, as someone involved in risk on a day to day basis I can tell you one risk I will be extremely reluctant to take again is dating. Its a cliché but risk and reward are interlinked, except for millions dating just leads to endless hurt and depression. You can mitigate risks by attempting to find people who like you in the hope you like them but the reality is as people we always want something better than we can get so that idea is never a viable one. I still think not answering is simply a function of having the inability to face people, its just easier to say nothing. History is full of major events that happened because people chose to walk away rather than say something.
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